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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is in direct relation to a current thread on the Separation/Divorce board:

If you walked out on your BS (woman), would you have objections to her changing the children's last names to her maiden name? Even if she left, would you have objections if she was going to be the primary care giver?


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Patriots0617,

We have never been separated, so I will take a stab at this....

She was actually living with OM. Supposedly that has ended.
I would make sure she is NC with xOM, before you would consider R.

She is playing it that she wants to at least have some type of friendship.
Would you only want friendship or you want R? When thinking about xOM and myself, once you cross the line, you cannot be just friend, because whenever I had a contact, it triggered me wanting more than friend feeling. It was like torture for me. It was like getting the mixed signal and getting the false hope. IMHO, you have to decide the definition of relationship with her for you. In other word, when you are wanting to R, but she isn't and she only wants a friendship with you, then it will be torture for you by getting the false hope and not fair to you. Don't let her define it.

She has been emailing me all week about all the great things that she took for granted about me and today sent me an E-Card which had a friendship message and then thanked me for the opportunity to speak on Saturday.
I guess I'm confused.


Could she be legitimately be seeking friendship or is this her way of beginning to explore R?

It could be both. Maybe once you have a meeting with her, you maybe able to tell what her intention is....

Good luck. Hugs.

[This message edited by beach at 7:47 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
really trying
♀ Member
Member # 5311
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a questions, just curious I suppose. I am divorced and healed so maybe I'm looking at the situation a little different now.

A thread in Wayward today was about the wayward still being in love with the OP. Several more responded that they were to but felt they needed to give their marriage a shot.

My question is Why? Why do you have to give your marriage a shot if you found somebody else?

I don't think the problem so much is the fact that you stepped outside your marriage at that point. And, I'm thinking of you, not the BS.

Life is just too short, why not give your new found love a shot? I'm just not seeing the delima.

Okay, that's my question.

[This message edited by really trying at 8:12 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Me: late 40's
XH: A parasite and that might be a compliment
My S-23, Our D-15
Married 5/93 D-Day: 11/18/03
Divorced 5/19/08

The future's so bright - I got to wear shades

Plant Seeds of Kindness


Posts: 10380 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: California
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really trying - Because for whatever reason no matter how much part of you says you love the OP, there is something inside that tells you it does not have a strong foundation.

At a point in time, we loved our BS enough to court them, to be engaged to them, to marry them, to start a family with them. That cannot just be sponged away by meeting someone else. Everyone involved, our BS, our kids, our families, and even we ourselves deserve full focus on the opportunity to recover what we had in the first place.

Thankfully for me, I made the right choice and still have an M to hold on to!


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
really trying
♀ Member
Member # 5311
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for your reply.

I guess I'm thinking you can't go back. It will never be the same, for both of you. Okay, some say it's better. I would just want a life of no regrets. For the waywards that the affair ended on their own, they and their BS wouldn't have the what ifs, I suppose.

It's a tough way to life is all.


Me: late 40's
XH: A parasite and that might be a compliment
My S-23, Our D-15
Married 5/93 D-Day: 11/18/03
Divorced 5/19/08

The future's so bright - I got to wear shades

Plant Seeds of Kindness


Posts: 10380 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: California
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Setting a standard of a lifetime without regrets is setting yourself up for a lot of pressure which may end up preventing you from living a happy life to begin with.

No, we can't go back. But Wells and I both agree we want to keep the good from before the A, discard the bad and build new good stuff that enhances life even more.

And yeah, it's tough. But there is no one I want to face life's challenges with other than Wells.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi really trying,

Why do you have to give your marriage a shot if you found somebody else? I don't think the problem so much is the fact that you stepped outside your marriage at that point. And, I'm thinking of you, not the BS.

Life is just too short, why not give your new found love a shot? I'm just not seeing the delima.


As for me H became a father figure. When I was deciding to end PA, H was willing to give me D if I really loved xOM, but xOM and I knew that we were not meant to be. Even though xOM and I said that we were sexual soulmate and we had more common interests/hobbies/value, but I knew I couldn't trust him anyways (always broke). Also he was 15 years younger, still needed to have a family. I was done having the kids.

H and I had a 20 years of history and that I didn't want to break up my family. I concluded that ending A was the only way to go.

I guess I'm thinking you can't go back. It will never be the same, for both of you. Okay, some say it's better. I would just want a life of no regrets. For the waywards that the affair ended on their own, they and their BS wouldn't have the what ifs, I suppose.

As for our sitch, it is 150% better than pre A. We are building a normal and healthy M. I really appreciate my H's dynamic love.

Good luck with your R journey.

[This message edited by beach at 8:47 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
really trying
♀ Member
Member # 5311
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Beach,

I'm not in R. I'm not a firm believer that there's only one soul mate for you or maybe it's that maybe we haven't found them yet.

I'm happy for everyone that's happy and is able to R after an A.


Me: late 40's
XH: A parasite and that might be a compliment
My S-23, Our D-15
Married 5/93 D-Day: 11/18/03
Divorced 5/19/08

The future's so bright - I got to wear shades

Plant Seeds of Kindness


Posts: 10380 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: California
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really trying, ooops... I didn't read your tag line. sorry about that.

I am sending you positive thoughts and wishing you the best!! I hope the current life is treating you well.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so I was going through some files and accidentally pulled out one of the old phone bills during WH's A, with all of his phone calls to OW.

I saw a very interesting pattern - WH would call me, talk for a while, hang up and IMMEDIATELY call her. What's that all about?

I really thought that he compartmentalized during the A, but this behavior feels like revenge.

When I asked him about it he said he was angry with me and called her to feel better. (He is remorseful.)

Still, I am so hurt over this that I can't really make sense of it. I'd love to hear what you guys think.

Thanks in advance.

BS 47
WH 50
son 8
Dday 9/25/07


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found some trickle truth this week - not was given, I uncovered it.

I am flaming furious today - and demanding that FWH acknowledge and own this new pain.

He's insisting that this round is my picking at an open wound; I believe that he's trying to shift this to me.

I'm refusing to accept that.

Am I thinking straight?


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
heartsunk
♀ Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WS's. Did the BS of your A contact your BS? Did it help you with your NC? My WH says that if I contact her H that he will leave me. He says that if I contact him that he may come after him, and why would I want that to happen. He says that he is only "Trying to protect us!!" I feel like he is only trying to protect her!! He has tried to protect her from the very start of this whole mess. I can't understand how he could hurt me so bad but can't stand the thought of hurting her. Could someone out there help me to understand? Thanks!!!

[This message edited by heartsunk at 3:57 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background: WH and I are separated in same home. Believe that MOW is no longer in picture, but WH is trying to decide if he wants to work on M. We are attending MC. WH says he is afraid we cannot change the things we need to change and make them hold.

So my questions...

For those WS who felt they were not in love with their BS any more...

Who ended the marriage without a OP in the picture? And did you try really hard to get the love back before you left?

For those who decided after months to work hard on their M? How long did it take for you to fall back in love again?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dayatatime - I'm going along with your WH's explanation. Remember, as the A builds the WS exaggerates the negatives more and more to offset their need for some ego stroking. And at the same time, they bury more and more of the good.

It wouldn't shock me, were the words of those calls available, to hear that they were things like "can you believe what she just said to me?!?!" or "now she wants me to do THIS?!?!?". Of course, none of it was really as bad as he made it out to be, but he allowed himself to think that way.

I'm not your WH so I can't say that it wasn't revenge with 100% certainty, but I highly doubt that's what it was.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoLongerWantHim -

Am I thinking straight?

It all depends. Had he revealed the information you uncovered, would it have changed the way you look at things or how you are proceeding? If so, then he should have volunteered the info in the context of prior conversations. If he lied before and what you found was evidence that what he said was a lie, then yeah, he should have told you the truth.

But if the information wouldn't change anything, then I'm not sure I would have expected him to have offered it up. For example, knowing that he saw someone 6 times might be important, along with the details of those 6 meetings. And if he had said it was 3 before and you found it was 6, there is also an issue.

But if you found out they went to the Acme Pasta Restaurant (assuming this was not a special place you two shared), I'm not sure I would expect that he would have volunteered that info.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartsunk -

Did the BS of your A contact your BS? Did it help you with your NC?

My xMOW was planning to D from her BH, and during the time we were together she had kept the details from him. I haven't heard a word since going NC, and don't expect to.

I suspect your WH is trying to protect his OW. But it's important to consider NC being NC for you both. If you open a door and establish any kind of open communication with OW's BH, that opens your WH's thoughts to concerns about OW and the cycle starts again.

If it's important to you that you tell OW's BH, then maybe you should craft a NC letter addressed to OW's BH. That way you are both getting the information out you think you need to, while indicating you are not interested in taking back and forth for the next several months.

[This message edited by Listeningclosely at 5:04 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookinforward -

For those who decided after months to work hard on their M? How long did it take for you to fall back in love again?

I committed to R the weekend of D-Day, but I really didn't kick it into gear until five months later. I don't see it as falling back in love. I see it as the time it took for me to open my eyes, see clearly again, and see the love that was always there.

During my fog, I had a very warped view of the world around me. The fact that Wells and I are still together tells me that the love we share is incredibly powerful. Anything less than that would have been ripped apart by this ordeal.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
heartsunk
♀ Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listeningclosely-
Thanks for responding. My WH did not send a NC to OW. The A happened in 2004-2005 maybe even into 2006. I saw phone contact in March of 2006. I didn't know about NC until I found this place. I don't know if they have had contact or not. I would like it if he would send a NC letter, I think it would make me feel better. But then again, I'M afraid that it might open up communication again if it has stopped. I guess that the real reason that I want to contact her H is that I hope that he will divorce her sorry ass and leave her with nothing. I Hate her. Actually,the word Hate can't even begin to describe the feeling I have towards her. I know that the anger I feel should be towards my WH. Believe me I have dealt with that also. It's been really rough.
I have had fantasies about sending all the phone records and the bank statements with a full run down of every detail that I know of to her H and have it delivered to her house of Christmas morning. I know how bad that would hurt her. It still wouldn't be one tenth of one percent of the pain that she and my WH have caused me. Again this is just a fantasy. I would never do this because I know it would be unfair to her H and her family.
Do you think that my WH is really scared that OWH will come after him or do you think he is still just trying to protect her? He has done everything in his power to protect her. How can he hurt me so badly and then want to stay but can not stand for her to get hurt in this. She has gotten away with this whole thing. It just drives me crazy. I want her to have reprocussions for her actions too. I'd like to be able to forget about her but I am confronted with her every day. She works at a well known weight loss center and thats where my HW used to call her at. I am reminded every day with commercials on t.v. as is he. I also have a job that puts me in front of the food that this weight loss center makes that is for sale in grocery stores everyday. It is constantly brought to mind and always right in my face. This is so difficult. I'm sorry I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening!

[This message edited by heartsunk at 12:46 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
neverendinghurt
♀ Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dis any of you have a BS that wanted to hear all the details including sex? Did you the WS understand your BS wanted those details?

MY WH has trickeld truthed for two years until very recently. He had the hardest time with the sex questions, he could not and still does not undertand why I needed them.

I haven't explained it in a way he understands so far, and i would like him at least to understand where I am coming from.

I think my need to know was the following:

a: needing to know that he was willing to divulge all
b: needing to understand the exact nature of this relationship (ie, was it just sex, was there more to it)
c: needing to know that there wasn't anything they did that was more than what we did
d: needing to know that they didn't do everything we did - that there was still something that was ours
e: needing complete honesty
f: needing an end to the questions that were screaming in my brain
g: needing to end the mind movies that my own imagination conjured up

he sometimes throws out my need to know those details as though I am wrong or weird for asking. He maintains he wouldn;t want to knw if the shoe were on the other foot, though I tell him he cannot possibly know that

I know that I have rambled a bit so I will repeat my question in case it got lost.
Do you as a WS understand the BS need to know the details including the details regarding sex?

thanks


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
quantum_flux
♂ New Member
Member # 20766
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post here. What an amazing group of folks!

NEH...

Full disclosure - I am a madhatter and my situation is really a lot closer to Beach's than to most normal people.

That said, your H is kidding himself in saying he wouldnt want to know the details, I think. As a guy, I can say that most guys will both HATE to hear it and NEED to hear it. Its just the way the male ego works. I will tell you that, in some ways, it almost becomes masochistic.

When I was on the WS side I did understand the BS need to hear it. It was hard and painful b/c it made me realize just how badly I had hurt her.

I told her everything I could and it never made it better, but I owed her that much. This was an EA that came perilously close to a PA, but I know that for most women, there is little distinction.

I dont really consider myself *fully* ever a BS b/c at the time my wife strayed, it was with my consent and we had an open marriage for a while. Still, since I didnt want that arrangement at the time, I think I can very much relate to what the BS feels as well.

[This message edited by quantum_flux at 11:30 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)]


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