Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
♀ New Member
Member # 19362
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going Forward,
You are right about not getting much sympathy. I cannot focus on FWH feelings and he has expressed little except to say that " it kills him to hear me cry and to see the damage he has caused". I wonder how often his thoughts go back to "the woman" even though he says only a ONS. Thanks

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

waitingforpeace -
Does my FWS have triggers and experience the same roller coaster ride that I do?

We are 150% reconciled. I went through the SWIRL (Shattering - Withdrawal - Internalizing - Rage - Let go) of grieving process in order to let xOM go. At 6 month mark, I felt indifferent about xOM and at the 1 year mark, I can consider as if he is being dead. I needed celibacy from xOM. (He-tox = De-tox) from my system. Like I was preparing to be virgin again for H, so now I feel like I am feeling H as a new man.

Whenever I had triggers (music, event)/reminder, it gave me triggers, but it is not fond memories, but it is rather giving me sick feeling between 6 mos to 1 year. My body is telling me that those dark days are bad for me. post 1 year mark, whenever I get the triggers, I get flash backs. I just let the flashbacks float away from me like a bubble and then I practice mindfulness. And then I take a deep breath, and say my mantra "That was then, this is now, I am at peace". It works for me.
That's how I handle triggers.

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere -
there has been many times that he would get angry or pull away emotionally when I would bring it up.
So I call him, like he says to do so I can be reassured. When I tell him how I am feeling, he replies, "Here we go again, day #2." I ask him what he means & he tells me that he just went through this yesterday with me accusing him. This is not what I need, as I have told him many times. Then he does well a couple of times & then goes straight back to answering like today. I feel he does not get how much I'm hurting & I never seem to get what I need from him to heel. He is not consisitant.

He is not remorseful yet. He is conflict avoider by lashing out or withdraw emotionally. He should be supportive to your healing. He should be transparent and give you full access to his emails account, cellphone records….. Etc. Has he seen IC or at least he found out about his why?

Good luck everyone!

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 20365
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting for Peace:
My thoughts don't go back to OM. I trigger when I remember the look on my BS's face when he discovered us. I trigger from the hurt that I have caused so many people. I go back and forth between thinking we will have successful R to thinking he can never forgive me. Slowly, I have forgiven myself, but he is a long way from there. My screen name is "going forward" because I need to move forward in order to forgive myself and become a better person whether in this relationship (hopefully) or any future relationships. I think the remorseful WS hate to bring it up and/or talk about it because they see the pain they have caused and the guilt is sometimes so overwhelming. We have hurt our BS enough and don't want to put them through anymore pain.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2008
♀ New Member
Member # 19362
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going Forward,
Thank you for your thoughts. FWH tells me that he doesn't revisit A except when I bring it up, which is quite often. I thought that I would be feeling better by now, but the hurt of his betrayal is deep. Just when we have some good days, I become a crazy woman again!!! I wish you good luck. We have our eighth MC visit tomorrow. I do see progress, however slow that it might be. FWH, who never had much empathy, is starting to express emotions that he has kept inside him for years. He had a brain injury 7 years ago and fights depression. He could not admit this depression until 2 sessions ago. I know that his depression had alot to do with his poor decision.Hang in there!!! Stay strong.

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Beach for replying. Maybe I should have explained things a little further. It's actually been 3 years since the A. Three years this month actually, which I think may have something to do with triggering it. And three years of him lashing out instead of being consistently reassuring has made it linger for me. Most of the time we do great, so you'd think when I get occassionally upset over his A he could be more supportive. He thinks I should be over it by now. Guess I keep waiting for something I need and am never never gonna get. We've been to therapy for about a year then went back every once in awhile whenever we felt we needed it.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere -

Three years this month actually, which I think may have something to do with triggering it. He thinks I should be over it by now.
Thanks for clarifying it. I can understand your H's frustlation, but as I have seen some BSs' post saying it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Let him know that it is normal for a BS to have triggers.
Does he react like this, only when you have triggers?

I try my best to ease trigger for my H.

I am glad to hear that you two are seeing MC. Has he fixed his core problems, if any?

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi beach, yes we have had MC, but haven't gone in months because we have been doing well. Like I said, I believe my relapse has to do with this month being the three year mark. He does only react like this when I have trigger reactions & I do let him know that it is normal for a BS to have triggers. Problem is I seem to have to remind him 8 times out of 10 that this is so, by now I would like him to get it more. It only makes me more upset when I must remind him so often & then what could easily be solved gets out of hand. I make myself clear what I need him to do when I have a trigger reaction, so you would think that would make it easier on him, but still he reacts angrily. He acts like I am punishing him & has said this at times. He seems to think that he has told me enough how sorry he is & that should be the end of it. He has worked on his core problems & that reassures me. The problem is when I do have a trigger reaction & he reacts back angrily it hurts then I end up getting angry & doubting everything. Kinda makes me wonder if the real him is the angry one that dosen't seem to care or the nice guy he seems to be when all is going well. Cause when things are going well he's great, but as soon as I get upset about the A he acts all defensive & angry. It's easy to be nice when all is going well, so how should I take his knee-jerk reaction when something triggers my emotions??

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why, when all the literature and experts say it takes 2-5 years, do I keep reading posts by WS's who are way less far out from D-day wondering why their BS is still so messed up, triggers, does not say I love you back etc? Don't they believe the time frames outlined? I know this is not true of all WS's but some really seem to have unrealistic expectations.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
♀ Member
Member # 14665
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even 2 years after I still struggle with the fact that he did not tell me, he was and is the most trusted man I had ever knew. I knew that she was attracted to him but told him to simply have work conversation. I know that in hospital setting, stress put people together and intimacy flourish but he told me they were just friends. To this day he still not understand how he found himself in this mess. So I bought "when good people have affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Good insight into the affair through the point of view of the WS, I do not agree with all; especially the" do not tell," only if the affair will soon be discovered or in case of transmitted disease. As the affair progress and is not discovered, I think there is a false security and a willingness to not rock the boat, having up both ways and the fog give you a false reality that you will able to manage it and end it before your spouse find out. I could not believe that as a therapist she would encourage her patients not to tell. In my case, my teenager son found out and told his sibling. I was more made at my husband for not telling me than having an EA. It is also is my biggest regret because deep down he knows that I will never be able to fully walk through life with 100% trust even with all the love we have for each other. The rest of the book was very insightful , mostly tailored to help the WS make is decision. My question is how you do fell about the question :"tell or not tell" Has it caused you more damage than the affair itself? Have you read this book, what do you think of it?

"Do or do not ,there is no try"

Posts: 247 | Registered: May 2007 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too wonder why my WS seems to think I should be so much better off after 3 years after the A then I am. Betrayal on the level of an affair is so hard to take. He says if it was the other way around & I had the A instead of him that he wouldn't react the way I do. Ha! I don't believe he really believes that himself, but says it to try to benefit himself since he is actually the one that had the A. Some of you WS's on here sound like you get it so much. Wish my WS was one of the ones that do. I just found out last night that when I called him on his cell phone to tell him I was having a rough day & felt like I couldn't trust him that day that he threw his cell phone & broke it after he got off the phone with me. That was after he told me that I need not be so angry & I wasn't the one that started the yelling. Too many times he has responded angrily when I tell him that something triggered me about the affair & now he throws & breaks his cell phone after telling me that he's not angry, it's all me. That speaks volumes to me. Guess I'm never going to get what I need from him, it seems so hopeless.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 8:59 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 18141
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure this has probably been asked before, but my ADD was kicking in and I couldn't read all 23 pages.

Hubby fell in "love" - found his "soulmate" Had lots and lots of sex (even though according to him it wasn't that good.

He has been remorseful and doing all the right things - but I feel so confused - what if that was the right person for him to be with? Our 20 year marriage has had its share of ups and downs - maybe that person was the one who could complete him.

Which is the reality? Five months ago he was totally in love with her - now he is totally in love with me. How do you create such a fantasy and how can I believe that mine is the "real" one?

Our marriage before, like I said, had rocky periods, but the period just before the affair was great. Empty nesting and having some time for ourselves.... then the typical midlife crisis... promotion at work, new fast car, 29 year old chicky.

How can I ever believe?

Posts: 838 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ Member
Member # 20553
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Deeply Scared for directing me in hte right place.

I am looking for WSs inputs on my story, which is in my profile, and sadly, kind of long (sorry). I've gotten some BS's inputs, but I'm looking for a little more than just theirs, as I appear to be really into this guy.


Me - 27
Him - Irrelevant
Tried to fix him, then realized he wasn't worth fixing.

Posts: 1641 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our R has been going really well. We are both doing alot of hard work in IC to make sure that we each deal with our own issues. My FWH is working really hard and I am very proud of him and I don't doubt his love for me. Here is where I am stuck. He did leave us with the ILYBIANILWY speech, he was gone for 4 months. Continued his A the whole time. He ended it and wanted to come H. While he was gone he introduced my kids to OW, he says they were curious as they knew he had a GF while he was gone. While all of this was going on, I was receiving phone calls from her that I didn't tell him about until after he was home. Now, he has been home for 2 months, she called him a few times, approached him at work to try and meet as "friends", so he knows she has no respect for our M and that we are R'ing.

Here is my question, while we were talking about the possibility that he may at some point have to work a little with her, he says I would be lying to you if I said I don't wonder about her and if she is okay>>>>And he cannot tell me that he doesn't feel indifferent to her yet. I know that only about 9 weeks out from ending it is probably expecting too much from him as I know he was in the Relationship with her for 8 months and I am sure the "feelings" were real at the time, but, it really hurts to know that he can still have any feelings for her knowing everything she put me through while he was gone. How can that be when he says how happy he is to be home and how much he loves me and the new relationship we are building?

it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH and I are currently separated and not in R. He got angry with me last night because he doesn't feel that I have progressed much from D-day 6+mths ago, and that I should be trying not to be such a "victim"....and also that he is tired of always being the "bad guy." I feel that I have come a long way! Now, don't get me wrong, he is totally and absolutely remorseful. But I have told him that I don't see those feelings in him nearly enough, he has only cried a couple of times over this. So then he wondered why he wasn't allowed to show frustration/anger when I am "allowed" to feel whatever I need to. I understand that, but I told him that if it was anger directed at OW and not me, that would feel better to me. Why get mad at me, I didn't do anything wrong? I think part of me feels that he still sees her in a positive light. I've tried to talk to him about that and he just says how awful he feels and that it was like another person did all that.

I'm not sure what my question is exactly, maybe just comments? Is there a time when the WS gets tired of having to help/prop up the BS? I told him I would just keep things to myself for awhile and not seek any help from him.

Thanks for any insight.


Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
♂ Member
Member # 11446
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't really posted on the site as of late. Posting in of itself left me depressed sometimes about my situation. I only notice this new forum today so here goes.

It has been two years plus since dday, and OMM is totally out of the icture, FWW has been doing many of the right things. But I always felt she just wanted to bury this episode and move on.

MC was a waste because FWW thought he whole thing was my problem, that I had to get over it. I got to see her passive agressive side.

I never get an ILY. I have not heard that phrase in over 10 years. I gave up telling her ILY about four weeks after dday. I have come tot the realizatio that I don't love her because she is am emotional screwed up person who cannot see how her actions have totally wrecked me emotionally.

My question to WSs (yes there is a question to this ramble) is we never talk about the affair, does a WS ever come around to apologizing for the damage done and do they ever reaffirm the love that the marriage should have?

This whole affair started as an EA just months after we were married and continued as an em for 10 years before turning into a PA. I sometimes think we just both compromised for the sake of the kids.

Posts: 1562 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NYC
♀ Member
Member # 20480
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't take my WS anger anymore...he is so emotionally closed off, it's really making things worse.

"You are never going to forgive me, I don't think you can ever get past this" is what he commonly says, although it was only last April that I found the first evidence and only a week ago that I found the second.

JUST A MINUTE AGO, he comes in from work and starts yelling at me. We just built a pool and hot tub. The pool guy hasn't hooked up the heat yet to the hot tub, nor has he completed the grill, and we're about to have a party. Yesterday I said I should probably call the pool guy this morning and see what's up, why hasn't he been out here. (Usually my husband handles all the calls back and forth to this guy)

Well he comes in from work and asks if I talked to the pool guy. I say "No, I completely forgot." That is the truth; we are having a talk tonight about his infidelity and I've been online here today worrying about it and taking care of my daughter, so I didn't call.

My husband says "I'll call and ask him if I can use the grill." I say well when you call you should probably ask him about the hot tub, too.

HE LOST HIS SHIT AT THIS POINT. How DARE I tell him what he SHOULD say to the pool guy, I didn't call, so he's having to do it, do I think he's that incompetent that he wouldn't ask about the hot tub, I'm being a bitch, blah blah blah. I said stop it, you didn't mention the hot tub I just wanted to make sure you remembered, and he yelled at me some more.

Why does the WS get to yell and scream and berate the spouse they trampled all over while cheating? This exchange makes me cry more than the actual affair, really.

Does the anger go away, or is he an asshole?

Me: BW, married 14yrs
D-Day 04/2008; 07/2008; 10/2008; 03/2010 & 08/2010
DIVORCED, and moving forward

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 19097
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hope you don't mind me coming here but I would like WS point of view on things.

WBF is starting to get more annoyed that I don't believe him. He says he understands why I am struggling but it frustrates him. He tends to fly off the handle then sometimes calms himself down. Am I supposed to take hope in the fact that he does calm down.

I imagine he was so much calmer earlier in R because he felt bad, does that stay with you or do you get to a point where you really just get annoyed by it all??


mods - i don't understand this new way of working. Doesn't it just create very long threads where it is hard to find anything? or is it an experiement to see if it's worth new sub-forums?

"True happiness does not come from experiencing pleasures of the body and ego—but from having experiences that stimulate your core self—your “soul”—challenging and inspiring you to grow into your highest potential as a person"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 19126
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here. I don't scream and yell at my BH at all. When he has his bad days and screams and yells at me I try not to scream back. I never tell him that he won't get past this.... in fact I do just the opposite. I tell him that he will get pas this, that it will take a hell of a lot of time but the day will come when we are a stronger, more loving couple. I don't really get annoyed when he brings it up.... it's frustrating, yes but I can't imagine how much more frustrating it is for him to know that I slept with another man. The frustration I feel can't compare and therefore I don't show it to him when he is having a bad day. I tell him that I will never hurt him like this again.... I souldn't bear it. I understand that things pop into his head and there are days when he just has to let it all out. Of sourse it comes out in my direction.... why shouldn't it. I accept that as I should. I did this to us.... I feel I have no right to chew him out for anything at this point.

D-Day 9/16/07
♥ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. ♥

Posts: 450 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: MN
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for being so brave in answering our questions, WS'es Mine are pretty common I think but I must be really dense because I just don't get it .

Q1: Why are you angry at us after you had As?

Q2: How can you expect us to help you after what you have done to us?

A brief history-WH had 4 EAs during the first few years of exclusive dating in the 90s (D-day 11/2006) and 1 EA after marriage in May 2007 (D-day 6/2008). They were mostly talking/flirting, lunch/coffee, no kissing, no ILYs, etc...He just needed women around him to feel validated, boost ego, etc...He said he cheated because he was ANGRY at me, as a way to get back at me because he felt powerless. We are 2 months post D-day and he has no true remorse (he faked it to get another chance in R ). He's still talking about MEMEMEMEME, tells me he's angry, can't stop complaining, wants validation for minimum efforts (IC, reading books but don't think he got the point) and I'm like, hello, what don't you get??? Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to PM me as your comments might get buried in these pages, thanks again for helping us !!

ETA: I called them EAs because they had 2/3 EA characteristics: 1) secretive 2)sexual tension. He was not closely bonded with them though. Am I right in calling them EAs?

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 5:47 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
Go to :
© 2002 - 2014 All Rights Reserved.