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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is my WS divorcing me???

I finally got to a place of feeling I could truly forgive and he says he wants a clean slate and divorce is the way to get everything "hanging over his head" gone.

Am I silly, but how is divorcing me cleaning the slate? He is just adding another painful experience to my life and the lives of my children. That isn't a clean slate in my mind.

Is he just running from the consequences of his actions?

A clean slate for me would be his working to help me heal from his betrayal. Leaving me isn't doing that.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWS's

Is becoming "over-protective/insecure" about your BS's life after Dday "normal"?

Examples:
(*)fWS feeling insecure that BS is going on and about with their life?
(*)fWS feeling insecure that every person of the opposite sex of your BS is going to be "hitting on them"?
(*)fWS being fearful that your BS will find someone "more worthy/deserving" than you?
(*)fWS feeling insecure to the point that you go out "looking for/trying to find" your BS if they're late?
(*)fWS feeling insecure to the point that YOU'RE checking the BS's cell phone?
(*)fWS driving by BS's place of work to satisfy yourself that your BS is where they say they are/should be?
Etc.

Is this behavior a "by-product" of a remorseful fWS, or are these "unique" issues to my/our relationship now?

Edited to add: And WHY? Your BS isn't a WS, YOU were, so why the "insecurity/fear/checking up/etc.?"

Thank you.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 7:43 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
onemoretry
♀ Member
Member # 19698
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what was the hardest question your BS asked?

He asked for the exact details of every physical encounter that happened with the xOM.

When you finally told the truth - what was your greatest fear?

It took me about 6 weeks after dday to stop trickling the truth. When all of it was finally out, I was afraid it would just be too much for him to deal with. And he would walk out the door and never look back..and it would be ALL my fault.


Me: FWW
BH-
Married: 19 yrs.
D-Day 1: 5/1997
D-Day 2: 5/27/08- same xOM
D-Day 3- 6/10/10- xOM #2

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2008
onemoretry
♀ Member
Member # 19698
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How is this time going to be any different? How do you know or tell within you that this time is different and your spouse is not going to endure another one?

I haven't had multiple A's with multiple people but if you look at my siggy you can see that 10 years went by before I contacted the xOM. I was very young the first time I was with the xOM. It didn't last more than a few days and it wasn't completely physical. I told BS everything then but the difference is we NEVER talked about it. We never talked about the whys. I never went to IC and MC wasn't even an option. It was just swept under the rug.

But the demons of why reared their head again after many years. I was back in the place I was 10 years ago. I was to the point where I was so lonely in my M and I reached out to contact the xOM...and it soon turned into a full blown PA.

The difference this time is that we are talking about it. I am in IC and we have gone to MC together. I know the whys now. I can fix what is broken inside me. 10 years ago I was too immature to even admit that any part of me was broken.

My A lasted 2 months. That was the darkest time in my life. I don't ever want to go back to that. Ever. I don't ever want to put my BS through this sort of pain again. That shred of attention and validation xOM gave me was not worth it.

2. Do you consider your BS special out of all of them? Please explain.

My BS is by far more special than xOM. My BS is the only person I have shared a marriage with, the only person I made babies with, the only person that truly gets me. And he is the only person I ever want that with. There was nothing special about the xOM. I could list a million reasons on why my BS is so special to me.

3. Have a trial separation of a week or a month helped anyone here? Will trial separation help even after both parties are in true R and have been living together during all those months? Please explain.

We didn't have any sort of seperation so I can't help with that question. I don't think it would have made things any better with us but everyone is different.

[This message edited by onemoretry at 9:21 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


Me: FWW
BH-
Married: 19 yrs.
D-Day 1: 5/1997
D-Day 2: 5/27/08- same xOM
D-Day 3- 6/10/10- xOM #2

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2008
Screaminginside
♀ Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you do the things your BS wants you do because you want to do them or because you feel you have to do them?

I'm talking about specific things like writing love letters, or making CD's or calling them often etc...


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you listeningclosely and onemoretry for your answers. I appreciate the help.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A post here got me thinking, and it's something I brought up to my FWH last night. I don't feel "special" to him anymore, and I don't feel that anything we do in the bedroom is special either because he did it with xMOW. How does a FWS feel about that, if you love your BS and want to stay married to them, are they still special to you? Do you feel that they were still special to you when in the midst of your A? Are they more special to you now that it's over?

I am really really struggling with this right now. Certain things that were "ours" feel like they have been ruined. How do you take that back? ie without TMI, postions, etc.

I would like to hear this from a FWH if that's possible.....thanks for any input....


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badlyhurting -

how is divorcing me cleaning the slate?

It's another way to avoid conflict. If you just resign yourself to losing what you had as a WS, then you don't have to fight and challenge your flaws in the M.

Is he just running from the consequences of his actions?

Sounds like it to me. This is something he needs to examine in IC - why when faced with fight or flight he chooses flight.

I'm still way short of where I want to be in this area. I still absorb things when I get angry or upset. But I'm getting better each day.


Leaving me isn't doing that.

I happen to agree with you. Personally, I feel that an M where both parties are there and working together stands a MUCH better chance of surviving than when one party is not present.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestated -

Is becoming "over-protective/insecure" about your BS's life after Dday "normal"?

I'm not sure if it's normal. And I didn't experience this to the same extreme as some others. But the concern that your BS might turn WS is very real. As a WS, you sort of feel like you opened the door for your BS to explore to see if there is someone better than you. Remember, our self esteem was in many cases crap before the A, and tossed into the abyss after the A. So the thought is why would our BS want to stay with us? If we opened the opportunity to explore others through infidelity, wouldn't our BS take that opportunity?

It's driven by insecurity within the WS more than thinking a BS will sacrifice their character.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI -

Do you do the things your BS wants you do because you want to do them or because you feel you have to do them?

The answer is yes. It's not an either or thing. There are things I do because I am moved to to them, like write poems, make her CD's, get her flowers, do some ironing, etc.

And then there are things I have done because I know I had to do them for her to heal, like offering up ID's and passwords voluntarily, going to MC and answering all questions fully and honestly.

The bottom line is I need to help her heal. I want to have a wonderful life with her. And at least to date it seems like that's the way things are working out.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoDisappointed -

How does a FWS feel about that, if you love your BS and want to stay married to them, are they still special to you?

Wells has always been special to me. I may have lost sight of that completely, but she has always been special. I know that because of my answer to your next question.

Do you feel that they were still special to you when in the midst of your A?

Yes, although I let myself think that there were "mitigating circumstances" that tinged that special feeling. But I know it was still there. How? There are things I would flat out not share with xMOW. I am strongly tied to music, and there are songs we used in our wedding (including one I sang to Wells in the ceremony), songs tied to events in our life, etc. that I refused to give to xMOW. In any form. Never told her what they were. Never gave them to her in a lyrics dedication. Nothing.

Are they more special to you now that it's over?

I don't know that I can say she is more special to me after D-Day, because she has always been very special to me. But I do recognize how much she has meant to me more clearly. And I probably show it a whole lot better now than I did before.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
neverendinghurt
♀ Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why trickle truth? why drag out the pain? why?


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
ManyRegrets
♀ Member
Member # 7840
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why trickle truth? why drag out the pain? why?

I thought he would leave me if I admitted the entirety of what I had done. I was scared it would be the final straw and he would divorce me.

In the end, it ended up a turning point when he realized the entire truth was on the table, and things improved slightly after that.


Posts: 8722 | Registered: Aug 2005
Screaminginside
♀ Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you LC for your reply. Nothing is ever black and white is it?


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
hopefulintx
♀ Member
Member # 19890
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 5 months since DDay. My H moved out 4 months ago. He has never filed for a divorce and has never been the one to bring it up. I'm getting more and more angry at him each passing day. It's turning into hate. I did everything I could to save our marriage but he would not get IC or MC and commit. He told me I just didn't want to hear him and accept that he wanted a divorce yesterday when I confronted him again about the issue. But there again he has never brought it up.

I am now working on the paperwork to file and I'm sending him emails about how he hurt me and our daughter and how it's not going to work with the OW because he has issues. He's telling me I'm unstable because of how I'm acting. He just doesn't want to accept how he devasted me and how hurt I am and how I'm loosing everything. He's still not accepting that he chose the affair and I am not taking responsibility for it.
Why has he never come out and told me he wanted a divorce. Why doesn't he want to accept that I'm acting the way I am because my life has been turned upside down because of his actions? I've asked him to read up on affects of a spouse having an affair and leaving the other spouse for the OW and he refuses. I need for him to understand the pain I'm in still and why I'm having feelings of hopelessness and helpnessess, why I'm in therapy and on meds. What can I do to get him to accept these things.

[This message edited by hopefulintx at 1:22 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]


The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
Me: BW: 49 He: WH: 45
Married 17 years, together 20
1 DD (15)
DDay: 02/24/08
H moved out 03/18/08
Accepted it's over an

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: TX
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverendinghurt -

why trickle truth? why drag out the pain? why?

I think ManyRegrets hit the nail on the head. The fear is that the one more detail will be big enough to cause the whole M to crash and burn.

It's a selfish defense mechanism to try to preserve the M on the part of the WS. It usually ends when the WS finally realizes they need to be selfless.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
neverendinghurt
♀ Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks MR & LC,

I do understnad that on one leel, but why can't the WS see the emotional damage they are doing to their spouse, and the overall damage they are doing to the relationship?

Why does it take so long in some cases for the penny to drop?

I have tried to be compassionate, calm and understanding with my WS, even after so many months of lies. Admittedly, in this last 6 months it has been harder for me to remain as calm as I was able to in the first 18 months, but in all honesty, I think Mother Theresa would have drop kicked him by now after all the bullshit.

I have stressed over and over that his lies are more damaging than any truth he tells me. The two of his have instilled that in our kids, "tell the truth", you will always be in more trouble for lying than for whatever it is you have lied about"


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do WS's not simply ask for a divorce? I have never understood this.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another question for WS with”long ended” affairs….

One contention I have with WW is that if the PA was over 15 years ago, why has she not had time to reflect on it and have an explanation or a rationale by now, any normal person would have tried to understand what they did and why…. although this requires that they actually have some remorse or sadness about what they did..I have been dumbfounded that she does not have a “story” about all of his.. a personal fairy tale even…but is still tring to know why she did it.. seems like a waste of a godd 15 years of soul searching…

I think that the real reason is that it wasn’t really over.. they stayed in contact. It devolved into an EA.. she says she was able to put him back in the “friend” category… LOL.

Is there anyone that can shed some light on this…PM is you feel like it..


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
ManyRegrets
♀ Member
Member # 7840
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do WS's not simply ask for a divorce?

My A was simply an escape from my head and my issues at the time. If I would have asked for a D, it would have negated the escape...kwim?

I didn't want a D...I really didn't even want the A at the time...I just wanted my head to stop.

Could have been drugs or alcohol...ended up being the OM instead.


Posts: 8722 | Registered: Aug 2005
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