Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: goingunder (43138)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To any of the WS's out there who have ever lied to the BS about the a or events that took place during your a.......

1. Why do you feel you have to lie.

2. Do you beleive that the BS believes the lies that you are telling them?

3. Why is it so hard to tell the BS the truth?

Thanks.........TO

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 10:57 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Sep 2005
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For WS - (obviously!) if you said it, what did it mean to YOU?

"I love you but am not in love with you anymore"

Also - did you ever say that you weren't sure if you didn't want to be married or involved at all too?

I heard these things on d-day. I think they're a cop-out, but maybe I'm just in denial? Very recently, I asked and got the answer that he think he wants to spend the rest of his life with OW.

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 6:39 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
Elecin
♀ Member
Member # 16484
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For WS's who have been involved in serial cheating and are successfully R now, what do you do to work through future temptations/how do you and your BS work through it?


Omissions are Betrayals

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Bergen County, NJ
mightnotmakeit
♂ New Member
Member # 20059
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure some can give insight on what is happening here and maybe give me some advice. My WW finally broke off A in May which lasted for 14 months. During that time there were 3 d-days. After each d-day I now know she was just telling/showing me what I wanted to hear/see. But since this last d-day she is completely non verbal to me, shows no emotions at all to me. Almost like I am the enemy. She just tells me that she's doing what she has been told to do (wihch is to break off affair). Now I'm sure she is having withdrawal symptioms of the affair. I'm just wondering that if the affair lasted this long can I expect this "fog" to last long also. Let me also say that my WW and OM basically work together, my WW is an business owner so I know that this might take longer, plus I know what the consequence could be to her if this got out, especially to the OMW. I just found SI last month so obviously I feel like I'm behind the 8 ball on dealing with so many things. I've been reading alot of post here and have learned so much. Please feel free to PM me if you feel so. I'm kind of rambling now. Sorry.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Fla.
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS who seems to be completely stuck in the "If Only I Did This" phase.....ie if I had done that one little thing differently, I could have changed the course of history. Whether that is true or not of course, we will never know, nor can we change it. Does a remorseful FWS get frustrated hearing this all the time? Is there anything they could say or do to help put an end to this type of thinking?


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TO)))

1. Why do you feel you have to lie.

Early on I felt I had to lie or I would loose my husband. I know I should have told him everything at the beginning but I do think that if I had that we would not be together right now. I know that is horrible but that is what I was thinking. It was also horrible, embarrassing, selfish (and a lot of other emotions) to have to admit all the horrendous things I had done and said.

It is so dang hard to look your spouse in the eyes and see the hurt and destruction you have caused. You see your spouses soul shatter right before you and know you have caused this to happen.

There are a lot of excuses to lie, but none are good enough. It is hard for a WS to understand this because they have been hiding for so long and it is hard to put everything out on the table for their spouse to see.

The correct thing is to tell the truth (all of it).

2. Do you beleive that the BS believes the lies that you are telling them?

I believe that is true to a point. As a WS I had decieved not only my husband but myself and by doing this I couldn't *see* what was right in front of me. I believed things to be true that were not true and it was very, very hard to face what was the truth and reality. But a few things would seep through and I could *see* what was truth and what was not.

I hope some of this makes sense.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another one....do most Very Remorseful, FWS's who want to R very much continue to think that they actually loved the OP or do they realise it was an addiction/infatuation? If they always believe that they loved OP, does that seem like a justification for the A? And what does that do with the chances of R?


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoDisappointed, I think the first thing you have to reealize is that there is nothing that you did or didn't do that was the cause of your WS'S A. Perhaps there were difficulties and/or issues in your M, but that's NOT the reason for the A. Your WS's decision making and own internal issues was the cause.

Don't mix the two up.

My BW brings this up now and then, too. My response is that the A was my fault, period. There are probably many things that converged to make a 'perfect storm' condition, but the poor choices are my deal, not hers. I don't get frustrated with her, but I do restate my ownership every time. I hate that I have made her feel rejected. Never in my rational mind would I do that to her.

You are not the cause of this mess.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoDisappointed, 2nd question. My belief is that every WS thinks they are 'in love' with the OP while in the midst of an A, and during the FOGGY period afterwards. WSs can rationally conclude that the relationship was addictive or strictly infatuation long before they actually break free of the Fantasy love feeling. It is VERY powerful.

If your WS is doing all the right stuff to get his head out of his a$$, then time (and your willingness to R) will determine when R can become a reality.

If you both want to heal and grow past this miserable spot, then you will. It does take time and patience on your part. Your mate has screwed up, and IS screwed up. Make no mistaake about it.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bear, thank you. Are you saying that because he cannot tell me the words "I did not actually love her", that he is still foggy? Delusional? Or still trying to justify?

thanks, again.


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ticked Off, WSs have been lieing and deceiving in parallel with a normal life at home right along. We get completely twisted in our thinking. If the WS gets 'caught', I think it's pretty rare that the WS is going to come clean right out of the box. There's a whole lot of practiced behavior to overcome. None of us wants to believe we are as bad as we really were while we were cheating on our BSs. The BS obviously believed alot of the crap we were dishing out. So why not another little helping? A perfectly honorable person would never get into an A in the first place, so expecting a WS to be immediately a 'stand up' person is shakey at best.

My opinion.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoDisappointed, I think there's a better than 50/50 chance that he's still in a fantasy fog about OW. I'm not saying he didn't fall in love with the OW, but more likely he fell in love with the fantasy of being in love. He got addicted, and probably doesn't want to admit (or doesn't know) that that's what it was. The physical reality of his A was very real (emotions & physical sensations), but they were not based on a solid foundation of truth. It's damned hard to crawl out of that ditch once you've fallen in. I've got my arms and shoulders out, but I've still got a ways to go.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bear, this is where I remain stuck, the fact that he thinks he loved her...even if he doesn't anymore, he says to me "don't you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?" Well, no, I don't, does anyone else? Especially when one of those loves is hidden and shameful and full of guilt? I then tell him that if he actually loved her, then he would have left me for her. Is that simplifying too much?


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoDisappointed, OK so here's my take, like or not. He may have been in love with her (in whatever definition that might be in his own mind). He most certainly was 'in lust' with her, I'm sure. She meant something to him that you could not duplicate in his affair-fogged way of thinking.

That was 2 years ago, right? He chose you. Is it absolutely necessary that he 'reject' his past feelings for the OW, knowing that he has chosen you? If you guys are going to honestly R, then his realization of his true feelings for the OW will take care of themselves.

He Chose You! Start with that as a very positive first step, his memories of his 'fantasy' not withstanding.

I love my W very much, and want to be her partner forever, BUT I still have some very strong feelings for xOW. I'm sure that will change over time...or not. Regardless, I choose my beautiful W.

[This message edited by bear at 6:51 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I honestly feel that to move on, I have to know that he didn't love OW and if he did, I cannot R with someone who did that. Maybe that is crazy thinking but that is how I feel. To tell another person that you love them, while you are happily married and in love with your spouse, I find that absolutely unforgiveable....am I alone in this?!

The PA was "over" 2 yrs ago but they maintained contact (occasional work together, social calls) and I feel that my H was still in a one-sided EA with her even though she had decided to work on her marriage, do counselling, etc. I knew she was a friend but of course that was all I knew and I had no idea what he was saying to her in emails, calls etc. A lot of flirting on his part and kind of longing for what was, (he says he was trying to keep the idea of the fantasy alive on some level) even though he tells me it was over. I myself think that me still being in the dark at that point kept a chance of re-offending alive....they have been NC since D-Day and it has been over for OW since they ended it 2 yrs ago.....but she must have still liked getting his attentions otherwise they could have gone NC.

Whew, long-winded.....sorry about that. I guess I am just stuck on the ability to love two people. In the end I suppose I don't really put a lot of emphasis on the fact that he chose me. He also chose to cheat on me. I think I am in a "hurt fog" or something and am not able to see clearly myself? Dunno!!???


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not long-winded at all,SD. I certainly don't think you're alone in your feelings. There are probably thousands of BSs out there who feel the same way you're feeling.

I just don't think your WH can know if he was 'in love' (as you define it) with xOW or not. He was 'something', but it's really hard to say what it was until he gets to the bottom of what allowed him to get involved with OMW in the first place. The A was feeding something that is broken inside him. His continuation of the contact helps him keep it 'real' at some level. I would imagine he's struggling, big time, right now, and not completely rational.

If you want to R, them I'd say this is a point on which you're going to need to show some flexibility and patience. He will definitely need some professional help in finding the answers that will satisfy your concerns/questions about the depth of his attachment to OMW.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
HappyMaskOn
♀ Member
Member # 18004
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Bear for your honesty, as painful as it is from our side.
SoDisappointed - I'm right in the same place as you.

Although he 'chose' to stay with me, he also 'chose' to have an A with OW. The fact that he doesn't really show much gratitude for my ability to 'accept' his actions and allowing him to stay and attempt R, along with his 'I'm here aren't I' attitude, is just not enough to make me feel really wanted. I want him to put in some effort and win me back. I just feel his 'choice' was based more on the fact that I'm part of the more attractive package of 'loving wife, children, nice home, car, suburb, lifestyle etc', rather than the alternate package of 'exciting OW, starting from scratch with nothing, limited time with children'.
I really feel that if we were comparing 'apples with apples - just me vs. her' that he'd be gone.

I'm sick of hearing 'be patient' and 'I'm getting there' or 'just give me a few more weeks'.

I'd just love to hear from any WS who had a 'clarifying' moment. Was there anything that just jolted you out of the fog?

[This message edited by HappyMaskOn at 11:10 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Don't be fooled by good intentions and promises. Gut instinct and actions speak louder than words.

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Australia
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Bear, for your insight. It does make sense to me. It's all so complicated isn't it!? Trust me I try to have conversations along these lines with my H and it's not like he won't talk but it seems lately that in the end I just get mad and let out all this venom towards what he did to me/us..and he just gets tired of beng attacked. But we also have some"good" conversations where I manage to keep it together.


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH literally trolled the internet to find his OW. I use the internet a lot - & I can't imagine hooking up with someone online.My question is simply - what thought process does a WS go through to make this "okay"?

I can see working with someone, forming an emotional bond & then it turning physical

But to actively go out and search for a AP - to me that is just evil. How do WS justify that behavior?

Thanks


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Sandcrab" and "Bear"....thank you so much for your answers.

"Bear"...you stated that nobody wants to think they were bad while inolved in an a. Very true. Sometime after I caught my h I told him he was a very bad person and he answered very sadly, "I am not a very bad person, I am just a person who did something very bad." I actually felt sorry for him when he said that.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.