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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
beach
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Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strugglingmomi4-
Can anyone tell me, if my WH repeatedly tells me he wants nothing more than to be with me, and he will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life. Why does he lie about talking to her at work, I have the proof? Is it possible to have a "friend" relationship now or is it still more? If nothing more is going on why does he continue to lie to me about the contact? How can I verify that he is in the wrong? Or how can I make it quit?
He must to be transparent and give you full access to his cellphone, email account. You will them be able to trace it. So did you get the evidence (email correspondense and such), but he still deny about the fact? Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? Once you got the evidence, if his OW is married or attached, you can let her BH or BBF know about A.


lilliolly

I'm guessing my H had a down day yesterday as he is still seeing the ow (Isaw them together). Do you think with what he said yesterday it's a possitive sign??
Talk is cheap. Action (still be seen together) speaks louder than words. Keep doing the 180 until he breaks off with OW and move back in the house and make sure NC is in place by then.


TICKED OFF -

Question to those WS's who live very near, or still work with the op........
Do you feel anything at all for the op when you constantly have to see them still?? (even after the a is over)

What thoughts if any, go through you mind. Does it bother you. Do you have any memories or any feelings at all about the whole thing???

My sitch was open to H. My xOM, used to live close, but moved to LD, so I am not qualified to answer your question.. sorry... I hope someone can answer to your question.

SoDisappointed -

I am not LC, but I'd like to add my insight.

How is it possible to act on impulse for months at a time?
I did IM with xOM nightly basis and sent text whenever possible. It was addctive driven behavior. It was like if I didn't connect with 'it', I am going to die... Got antsy/gittery....

Is is common to be happily married and yet so unhappy with yourself that you turn to an OP?
In my sitch, I was empty and broken inside of me and wanted more of external validation....

Oh remember, with foggy WS is like addicts, who has unhealthy mindset and cannot think healthy way.

[This message edited by beach at 7:56 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
lilliolly
Member
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank Beach,

Do you think he's starting to come to his senses a bit now(taken a possitive step forward)??. he can't think much of the ow he's been seeing her for 7 months now.

Liliiolly

[This message edited by lilliolly at 7:48 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liliiolly
Do you think he's starting to come to his senses a bit now. he can't think much of the ow he's been seeing her for 7 months now.

He may and he may not. You can only decide how long you can hold onto the painful maybe. He maybe keep fence sitting it until you start processing for D...... Keep watching his action and NOT WORDS. Good luck!!

Don't let his words fool you. The ball is in your court. Don't let him define your marriage.

Sending you strength. Please respect yourself and put yourself and your kids first.

[This message edited by beach at 8:06 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey beach, hope you're doin well.

Quick question; we're almost 3 yrs post dday but i've had this question bugging me since then - on dday i asked FWW if they had sex and she replied that she wasn't sure (maintains that it was an EA)...you're knee jerk response would be???


Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey sports fan!! Thanks for asking. I am doing much better.

we're almost 3 yrs post dday but i've had this question bugging me since then - on dday i asked FWW if they had sex and she replied that she wasn't sure (maintains that it was an EA)...you're knee jerk response would be???

Hm... "Not sure?" ????? If she had sex or not? I mean, it was not like how many times did you kiss or which day did you have sex.... I would definitely remember if I had sex or not.. Sounds suspicious....

At least she didn't ask you "Can you define sex"....?

My take on her response is that, if she did, she is afraid to say it (probably from conflict avoider) so she wanted to make it sounds wishy washy. Some FWS still want to keep their image as "a good person", you know?

Probably, in her mind, EA is better than PA. That's why she said Not sure.....

I hope this helps.

ETA: Before I joined SI, I thought PA was guilty, but EA was not...

[This message edited by beach at 9:18 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any WS feel the responsibility of making restitution, tangible restitution, like extra vacation for the BS or a big gift? Would that help?

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron -
Do any WS feel the responsibility of making restitution, tangible restitution, like extra vacation for the BS or a big gift? Would that help?

Mr. beach didn't ask me any restitution. He only wanted me to get over the xOM. I give him a gift here and there. (just because... ) He likes big shopping and bought himself a big TV though. He aksed (but not as a restitution)and I didn't mind at all. It was at Christmas time.

[This message edited by beach at 8:37 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron -


Do any WS feel the responsibility of making restitution, tangible restitution, like extra vacation for the BS or a big gift? Would that help?

I think it depends on the "love language" of the BS. If they experience love is "Receiving Gifts" then a big gift might help. If it is "Quality Time", an extended vacation may pay off. It all depends on how a BS receives love.

In my case, I never read Wells as someone who valued big expensive gifts (she has even referred to making her "cheap heart go pitter patter" at times). She appreciates quality time, but even bigger to her seem to be "Acts of Service". So have I wanted to make restitution to her? Yes, but it has come in the area of wanting to do things to help around the house, with the kids, things that I neglected when I withdrew from the relationship.

Of course, every relationship is different. YMMV.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
HappyMaskOn
♀ Member
Member # 18004
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone and thanks to you WS's for your openness and support.

I've just jumped into this thread and not up to date with everything, so forgive me if this has already been asked, but:
My WH appears to be doing everything he possibly can to R with me and seems very sincere and committed, EXCEPT for the fact that he cannot go NC with OW. He is no longer in personal contact with her (this I truly believe), only occassional contact by phone, but he says he cannot just ignore her call if it comes through. He says he does not initiate calls to her, but he has returned calls if she has left a message. He says he feels sick when she does call but feels compelled to answer, says it's usually just a 'how are you going' call and he keeps talk to a formal minimum, tries not to respond to her questions or get drawn into a conversation. He says he just cannot (yet) come straight out and tell her no more (although he has done this in a half-hearted way many times). He says she is a 'good friend', she's 'done nothing wrong' and he can't 'be mean' to her because 'she doesn't deserve it'. blah, blah, blah.

Yes, we've had all the arguements you can have on this subject, he keeps telling me he's close to cutting her off but just doesn't have the strength yet. It's been 6 months since D-day confirming a 2 year EA/PA.

Have any of you WS really had so much trouble disconnecting from a strong EA/PA, even though you were really trying to R? Or is this just plain old false R?


Don't be fooled by good intentions and promises. Gut instinct and actions speak louder than words.

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Australia
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HappyMaskOn -


Have any of you WS really had so much trouble disconnecting from a strong EA/PA, even though you were really trying to R?

I am 1.5 year out remorseful and redeemed FWW..... (my A was long term) I am one of those who couldn't cut the last string (connection) off from me. Communication with xOM became addictive and became a part of my daily life. My body didn't want to lose it thinking otherwise I was going to die. I know that once crossed the line, you cannot be just friends. I am glad xOM moved LD 2 years ago though. (since he was moving, I didn't think I needed to send NC) If I had to see or had communication with xOM, every time I had the communication, it triggered "wanting more than friend" feeling.

Last sighting of xOM was Nov. 06. PA part was ended then. "not initiating the contact from me" started in Jan. of 07 and we both stopped communication for 6 months and when he contacted me in August last year, I told him that it is over the phone. He still attempted to contact in Dec. of last year, so then I sent NC for life email in Jan. this year. I was letting him go slowly 1.5 year ago and my goal was to feel indiference toward him.


Almost 4 years ago, before I initially ended, when I thought about the picture without xOM in the future was pitch black, and I was fear of unknown the future with my H. I felt like H and I didn't have anything in common. Because of our kids were grown up, I thought we may have hard time doing things together.
I also felt bad for rejecting H and he even appologized me for his finding me attractive and I still turned him on.
If we were in this together, I thought, we should enjoy being together, ya know? We did take a walk in neighborhood or going to see a movie, we did non intimate stuff, but yet trying to build a bond by doing stuffs together. It helped when we have something to share with.

A few of my wise online friends taught me to (1) Simplifying my life, declutter my house, stopped watching junk TV, because it perpetuated the junky mind, so that I can absorb simple joy in the daily life, also (2) I was able to appreciate what I have.One step at a time, for me.

I am 18 months out and we are 150% reconciled (it is much better than before). I appreciate my H's dynamic love and patience. We are also striving for a normal healthy life.

As for Fundamental requirement for R, As FWW, I get over xOM. It took me 3 months to get out of withdrawal, I felt indifferent about xOM at 6months mark, and I consider xOM as non existant at 1 year mark. I worked on my core problem (abandonment and codependent)

I also changed my lifestyle. Avoided all triggers. I uninstalled IM at home. Stopped watching junk TV, because it perpetuate the junky mind, and that I can absorb simple joy in the daily life, also I was able to appreciate what I have. I also started doing the appreciation inventory when I wake up every morning.
As for H, he stopped his porn surfing, and controling his anger management and verbal traits.

I love my H as a new man. We have been playful to each other and affectionate. I love H every day more and more.


Or is this just plain old false R?
I cannot say that it is completely false R.

My WH appears to be doing everything he possibly can to R with me and seems very sincere and committed,
Is he being transparent? Do you have full access to his email account (or at least he is able to show the contents, so that you know it is really business only contacts, or cellphone, too?

I can see good sign though...
He says he feels sick when she does call says it's usually just a 'how are you going' call and he keeps talk to a formal minimum, tries not to respond to her questions or get drawn into a conversation.

Sounds like he started feeling indifferent about OW.

Bottom line, it is prolong healing process if he keeps up this.

Sounds like OW hasn't got the clear message yet. She may be holding onto the painful maybe to suck him back into the slipperly slope situation.

[This message edited by beach at 2:11 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question is HOW LONG SHOULD A WS REMAIN TRANSPARENT? HOW LONG AFTER DDAY CAN A WS HAVE PRIVACY IN EMAIL, TEXTING, AND CELL PHONE CALLS?

Does a A make for a life long sentence of no privacy?

[This message edited by Razor at 2:17 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,
Question is HOW LONG SHOULD A WS REMAIN TRANSPARENT? HOW LONG AFTER DDAY CAN A WS HAVE PRIVACY IN EMAIL, TEXTING, AND CELL PHONE CALLS?
Does a A make for a life long sentence of no privacy?

As for me, I can go on forever. Besides the fact that I have been openbook to Mr. beach from the get go and it has been my second nature and it doesn't bother me that I don't have privacy.

He lets me express my thoughts freely, why do I need any privacy from my H, KWIM..?

[This message edited by beach at 2:27 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
ManyRegrets
♀ Member
Member # 7840
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron - Lostfather didn't ask me for any sort of "restitution". I truly believe that any offer like that would have disgusted him. He's not the type that can be bought with material goods.

Razor - my H and I are open with each other about everything. Honestly, the only time in my life I wasn't open with him was when I was involved in the A. No reason to ever go back to that.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 2:56 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 8722 | Registered: Aug 2005
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if any WS's disclose the difficulty, the mourning, etc re seperating from the OP, to their BS. If so, why? If so,how did the BS react?

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
neverendinghurt
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Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, I have just posted a thread about trickletruth in General and hoped that some WS's would comment - it came about because of another thread and some other BS's and maybe WS's may gain some help from it.

Thanks guys


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
ManyRegrets
♀ Member
Member # 7840
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if any WS's disclose the difficulty, the mourning, etc re seperating from the OP, to their BS. If so, why? If so,how did the BS react?

I told him at about 2 weeks in that I was having a really strong urge to contact the OP. It was after a long, difficult night and I was feeling that old urge to run away from my problems. I thought by sharing with him, it would cut back on some of the bond I was still feeling toward the OM at the time. The urge to contact the OM stopped at a couple months out, and since I was in IC at the time, I worked through many of those types of things on her couch.

He was PISSED, obviously, and with good reason that I shared.


Posts: 8722 | Registered: Aug 2005
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron,
I wonder if any WS's disclose the difficulty, the mourning, etc re seperating from the OP, to their BS. If so, why? If so,how did the BS react?
Mr. beach didn't ask me to tell him, as he had full access to any forums/journal where I posted regularly at the time during I was going through the withdrawal. In order for me to get over, he knew that I would go though the withdrawal stage and that xOM moved to out of state (LD), so not xOM living closer gave him a peace of mind that PA was over. So he let me deal on my own pretty much. I am grateful for that and I am fully recovered and got out to the other side.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
HappyMaskOn
♀ Member
Member # 18004
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Beach for your honesty. Your answer seems to reflect what WH tells me. I do feel he is really trying to disconnect from OW and re-establish our own relationship, he is going to IC and MC and opening up more to me emotionally.
I know he talked with OW daily before D-day and she was an escape from his routine, so that is a hard habit to break. He calls me more during the day now when he is bored at work or feeling down, where before he would have called her. So Yes, my gut is telling me he is really trying to break away from her and reach out more to me, and I am beginning to understand that it is a process of disconnection from OW after such a long dependence on her. It sucks, but thanks again for your insight Beach. It gives some perspective to our situation.


Don't be fooled by good intentions and promises. Gut instinct and actions speak louder than words.

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Australia
dead_but_alive
♀ Member
Member # 20178
Question  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably a goofy question, but I was just sitting here wondering if other WSs that have come out of the fog had ever contacted BS member's WSs (either anonymously or openly) to try to talk some sense into them?
I sometimes read WS posts to try to understand the WS side of things. My WH and I have been separated for 8 months with very little contact. Two months ago, we were together for 2 weeks and it was really great, but came crashing down because he was "unsure about us" again.

I guess just reading some of the heart-felt remorse, etc from some of the WSs here, I just wondered if it would do my WH any good to hear from other WHs that have turned around? Maybe I'm just day-dreaming or being too hopeful? I dunno.

What do you WSs think? Have any of you done this before?


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HappyMaskOn,

Have any of you WS really had so much trouble disconnecting from a strong EA/PA, even though you were really trying to R? Or is this just plain old false R?

It's not necessarily false R. It's an R that cannot completely start until full NC is in place.

Because my view of the world was so screwed up during the A and my subsequent fog, going NC hurt internally like crazy. At first I wondered how I would get by without knowing what was going on in xMOW's life.

It was only after prolonged NC that I was able to clear my head and see what I really cared about and needed in my life.

For the WS, breaking away from your OP is as difficult as a drug addict leaving their habit behind. The only solution I have seen the truly works is quitting cold turkey. It has to be a line in the sand, accompanied by IC to work on your own healing.

It also helps to have SI or a similar place to turn during the process. For many of us, we don't have people to lean on during healing because the attitude is that we brought this on ourselves. That there is no reason for anyone to have compassion for us while we try to heal.

I think for those who can't make it without NC, a big reason is they have no support network to turn to - no place to go when triggers happen that will pull them through. Even alcoholics have AA, drug addicts have NA. There is no Anon group for a WS, which makes it far more difficult to break free.

I can't tell you how thankful I am not only for Wells' support during my healing process, but for her introducing me to SI as well!


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
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