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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question - seems that since d-day, their relationship has only gotten better, while of course our R sucks b/c he's not qutting this OW. Is that normal?

It's like he feels he has this green light to pursue it b/c he told me. (and this is partially my fault for not kicking his ass out from day one I suppose...?).

I do think he is utterly addicted to this OW. She is completely different from me, so in a way, I can sorta see how she's so appealing. But reality has to set in at some time...right?

If he's moving out and paying for things here PLUS his own place, it would seem that he won't have all the 'extra' money to go on these excursions with her anymore...or I fear it'll go the other way and me & kids will be screwed b/c he's got so much freedom, that he continues to be irresponsible (i.e. mostly his current spending habits! Out of control!).

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 7:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wannabenormal -

seems that since d-day, their relationship has only gotten better, while of course our R sucks b/c he's not qutting this OW. Is that normal? I do think he is utterly addicted to this OW. She is completely different from me, so in a way, I can sorta see how she's so appealing.
Is OW single? He is putting her on the pedestal.

The way the OPs made FWSs feel fuels the addictive relationship. Many stroking egos....My XOM was out of league (younger, artistic, lean athretic, musician looks). Over time, I made him up as a fantasy boyfriend. Even though I was married, but I was thinking of myself as a wife and I was a royal girlfriend to xOP at the same time and I wanted to be connected with him 24/7. XOM's telling me we were hot looking couple and that having xOM being into me made me feel I still 'got' it, didn't help. It made me fell like I was acting in the fantasy world. Acting out with the ideal fantasy lover in the limited time, sex became intense and leaving me the feeling of wanting for more and looking forward to the next meeting. It gave me the high and was getting addictive activities for me.

Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.

I hope this makes sense.


But reality has to set in at some time...right?


Some of them would snap out of it, when they hit the rock bottom, such as being served D papers, or lose job because of infidelity, or life threatening desease (HIV...etc). As for my sitch, it was open to H and no one else, so it was matter of when I would end it. I was confused and I wasn't remoseful for a while.

However..having a double life took a toll on me.... depleted myself and I had identity crisis (wife, mother, and a girlfriend to xOM) and I didn't know who I was anymore.... I felt emptiness inside of me.

I also didn't want my kids to notice about my frequent going out.

Each people has different reason....

As long as he can have OW and you, it will continue. Ball is in your court and not his. Take your power back.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, apparently she is not only single, but comepletely available seemingly 24/7, even though she lives in another state. I think it's partly an 'abesence makes the heart grow fonder' situation too. :-( I think H is in the same spot you used to be in. She's SO great - well educated, great career, atheltic too...I'm the "dumpy" housewife who's here paying bills, taking care of the kids and house...you get the picture.

It seems from their e-mails, that she is really into H, and while he's into her, she seems like she really wants them to move forward. I couldn't read THAT much, but I got that impression. H says he's still confused, but I don't know. He has become quite the liar these last 2 months.

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 7:55 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
lilliolly
Member
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you know you were coming out of the fog?? and how did you deal with it?? surely you cant say to the BS ok i want you back now?

So what signs should i be looking for, that H is having second thoughts?

Lilliolly

[This message edited by lilliolly at 6:21 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wannabenormal -

H says he's still confused

Of course he is. Any WS who is still in contact with their OP will be. Because there is an internal battle being waged to the addiction the WS has to the boost the OP is giving them and what they know is right.

Unless your WH can break free from OW, he will continue to fight this war within himself. And even then, work through IC to strengthen himself up so he doesn't need what OW is giving him is needed as well.

And Beach is right. Reality only hits when the WS is confronted with the consequences of their A directly.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilliolly -

Second thoughts and emergence from the fog are two different things. One comes from the guilt of having acted badly. The other comes from having done the self exploration to realize who you truly are and what you really want in life.

I knew I was out of my fog, which ran for five months past D-Day and during R, when I made the commitment to focus on my BW and doing things for her instead of worrying about what was being done for me (by her or anyone else). As soon as I switched from selfish to selfless behavior, I knew I had turned a corner.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
canIdothis?
Member
Member # 19281
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

Prior to the A, would you say you believed in commmitment/fidelity, etc.? How are we supposed to believe that you (WS's) do now if you did then, but still did it?


D-Day: April 19, 2008
Reconciling, slowly but surely

Posts: 200 | Registered: Apr 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

canidothis -

Prior to the A, would you say you believed in commmitment/fidelity, etc.?

Yes, I did. That's one of the ugliest things about this whole mess. I went completely against my own internal beliefs.

How are we supposed to believe that you (WS's) do now if you did then, but still did it?

I'm going to separate this answer into two parts.

How can I expect anyone to believe that I still value fidelity and monogamy in a M? Because I chose to remain in my M with my wife (whom I love deeply) over the addiction I had from the A. I don't expect any BS to understand how had that withdrawal process is. But it is one of the most internally painful and horrifying things I have ever had to deal with. I will never return to that place again.

The second part is how do I expect anyone to believe that I will remain faithful to my beliefs and morals. That is based on the work I have done to "affair proof" myself. By unearthing my weaknesses in IC (external validation and conflict avoidance) and working on them (by knowing I am a good person and not expecting to lose every conflict), I have done (and continue to do daily) the work needed to prevent the slippery slope from surfacing again.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
lilliolly
Member
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for tour replies.

You said that if one of them were to loose there job, it might make them realise.

I would never inform my husbands work place as i wouldn't know what to say, but how does a company deal with affairs and relationships in a work place, surely it wouldn't come to getting the sack??

The OW works at one of the offices he is based at, so he is out and about as well as in the office, he is not her boss or anything.how do that get proof if both parties deny it all??

Lilliolly

[This message edited by lilliolly at 5:03 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did you have an affair? What were your *reasons* at the time? This might help me...as it may give me some glimpse into my WS's brain.

Also, how have you shown true remorse? Maybe my WS has and I'm just not willing to see it because I am so hurt.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badlyhurting -

Why did you have an affair? What were your *reasons* at the time? This might help me...as it may give me some glimpse into my WS's brain.

I had defined myself through the expectations of others. My parents as I grew up. My wife. My leaders at work. Anyone but myself. As a result, any time I fell short of their expectations, I felt bit by bit more like a loser.

The combined stress of a heavy work travel schedule and a family with four kids took it's toll. I kept honing in on when I would forget to bring home groceries or switch the laundry and figure I could never reach the standard I had thought was what my BW expected of me.

She is also a logical thinker and often when debating has facts on her side. I felt like every time we would argue, I couldn't win. So I started to avoid conflict. That's why I never told her anything was wrong.

When I met someone online who was willing to constantly tell me what a great guy I was, I saw that as fulfilling my need to counter the feelings of being a loser. I clung more and more to the positives I got, and withdrew more and more from reality. It became a vicious cycle. The more I withdrew, the more critical my family was of what I contributed to them (rightfully so) and the more I turned to xMOW for positive feedback.

Also, how have you shown true remorse?

Changing from being selfish to selfless as much as I can. I still do dumb selfish things, but not nearly as often. It's in a lot of little stuff, but it adds up. Washing the laundry (bonus points if I put it away too). Noticing we are low on milk and picking some up without being told to go to the store. Turning off the work computer and spending offline time with the family. Basically, I try to show remorse by simply doing what one does for someone else they love. Doing things that I hope are received as love by them.

You could of course have a communication gap. That's where understanding something like The Five Love Languages can really help. Sending flowers all the time to someone who values service isn't going to be received as well. Likewise ironing clothes for someone who craves affection and romance misses the mark too.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
trust2much
♀ Member
Member # 16874
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSs (gentlemen), for those of you who left your BS to live with the OW, and have returned to reconcile with your BS, how long did it take you to realize that you really didn't "love" the OW, and that your BS is who you really wanted? I'm especially interested to hear from WSs who are much older than their OW. My WS is 50. The OW is 25.

I ask this question b/c my WS left and got an apartment, but then ended it with her and moved back home, but I think he is still caught up in ambivalent feelings. He told her he can't lose me and his family, but he seems to feel guilty about turning her life upside down?????


"Without civic morality communities perish; without personal morality their survival has no value." Bertrand Russell

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Southwest
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had defined myself through the expectations of others. My parents as I grew up. My wife. My leaders at work. Anyone but myself. As a result, any time I fell short of their expectations, I felt bit by bit more like a loser.

I have always done this, too. I didn't cheat, though. Why did you think an affair would fulfill anyone's expectations of you?

How can a WS risk everything...spouse and kids, especially.

If you truly meant your wedding vows...how could you justify an affair, even to yourself?

None of this makes sense to me. Why wouldn't my WS just divorce me instead of breaking my whole world to pieces?


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThatGhostIsMe
♀ Member
Member # 19544
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much to the folks here who are willing to answer tough questions to help us understand our own situations better. It's really wonderful that you're willing to take what you've learned from your own situations to help others.

A little background: My H's A was (I am *almost* certain) strictly an EA. (I say "almost" because it makes sense given the timeline I have - she lives out of state & they met on a business trip, but he apparently didn't start to develop "feelings" for her until after he came home from the trip - but also because everything he's ever said to me is now suspect & I doubt I'll ever 100% believe anything that I can't verify on my own.) The EA was over, more or less, before I found out about it - OW is married & apparently never saw my H as anything more than a friend, so anything "more" that was read into it was all very much in my H's own mind. He did check out of our marriage almost immediately after he returned from his trip, though, and I was certain something had happened while he was away - he was emotionally & physically distant, and he tells me now that he was very focused on her: things that were funny that he saved up to share with her, thinking about being with her, etc. He considers the EA as "over" when he told her about his feelings for her & she more or less shot him down (about a month & a half or so before D-day); I consider it still going on until D-day because he was still lying to me about staying late at work so he could talk to her on the phone & whatnot, although by the time I found out about it he says he was 100% recommitted to our relationship & I had noticed a distinct difference over the previous 2 weeks or so (which is why I pressed for info in the first place - I saw that something had changed drastically & wanted to know WTF had been going on).

OK, so that was a *lot* of background.

My question is regarding IC. Within a day or two of D-day, I told my H, "I'll make a deal with you: I will agree to *try* to work through this if you agree to see a counselor to figure out how you can fix the things that make you *do* these things." Had he hesitated at all, that probably would have been it, but he immediately replied (we were on IM because he was at work) that he would look up counselors on our insurance plan & make some calls.

That was...6 months ago now? Jesus. And he *has* made some calls. He said he wouldn't call from his work phone because he didn't feel comfortable doing it sitting in his office; his cell records indicate two calls to to different counselors (I did a reverse look-up on the numbers) - he says he has called 4 counselors but no one has called him back.

I don't want to say I disbelieve him - I know this is a huge thing for him because he's always been one of those people who believes he should be "strong" enough to figure things out on his own - but I'm finding it difficult to believe that *none* of those folks called him back. I think he's afraid of IC - he knows what his issues are (abandonment by his parents when he was young - feeling like he always has to please others so they won't leave him - fear that sharing his whole self with those he truly cares about will make them reject him) - they have been the root of many of the problems we've had throughout our marriage. He's a conflict avoider. He has lousy self-esteem. He's afraid that if he expresses his true feelings it will cause problems. And what have you.

So here is where my problem lies: I don't want to nag him into going to IC. I really believe that if he is going to get anything out of it, he has to do this of his own accord. But it's really starting to piss me off that I've been holding up my end of the bargain & he isn't. We've talked about it a few times, and each time he says he'll pursue it & then...it just sort of sits there. It makes me feel like he's just hoping eventually I'll forget about it & he won't have to do it. I don't think he's doing this consciously - I really think he's terrified of IC & what he will learn about himself & what happens if he goes & he still can't fix himself, etc. (I've had experience with IC & I remember having those feelings before I was finally able to talk myself into making that call.) And other than this, he's been truly remorseful & working very hard toward doing whatever he has to do to R. But I really feel IC is important because until he has a grip on these issues & how to deal with them, I will *never* feel confident that something like this - or worse - won't happen again.

So my question is: What can I do to make this "safe" for him? How can I get him to see how important it is without forcing him into it or nagging him? How did *you* overcome your fears, and what did your BSs do to help you?

Thanks in advance for any responses, and you get extra credit for reading this dissertation. :)


D-day 01/08/08
EA - "just friends" my aunt fanny...
working on R

Posts: 202 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted this in the General thread and thought it was better suited for this one...

I have seen this over and over in threads here at si and my fwh has said the same thing when asked about his ea's...he never gives me any answers except...I don't know...or I don't remember...Hey Stupid F***, You don't remember your 2nd grade teachers name or what you had for dinner 3 weeks ago tonight...but, you don't know or don't remember why you gave yourself permission to be intimate with another woman...why was that ok...or what you discussed in the 20 phone calls in a billing cycle that lasted for 20-30 minutes..or what did you think was going to come of the relationship you were fostering behind my back and that you knew I wouldn't condone? What does I don't remember or I don't know really mean..I don't want to say? I think I need to post this in a thread for ws's to answer for me ...cause by the time my fwh answers me I may forget the question...(that'll never happen)After you answer that...if you ever did give your spouse or significant other an answer after continually answering, I don't know or I don't remember...what made you finally pony up?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badlyhurting -

Why did you think an affair would fulfill anyone's expectations of you?

This would indicate that I felt I needed others to tell me I was a good person, so I should seek out an affair to do that. That's not how my EA happened.

It started slowly. Someone interacting online with positive comments. I gave her some back. The language used escalated, as did the intensity of the conversations. By the time I knew I was headed into A territory I was trying to find a way to allow it to make sense to me (the "just friends" routine). I was in WAY over my head - something our MC told me but that at the time I was to damn proud to accept. By that point, my mind was telling me I needed the positive attention I was getting from my "friend".

It took five months of NC and IC to clear my head enough to see how messed up my thinking was.

How can a WS risk everything...spouse and kids, especially.

That's just it. A WS doesn't think...period. I acted on impulse, not thought. The only time this consequence became front and center for me was D-Day and beyond, when Wells let me know EXACTLY what the consequences were.

If you truly meant your wedding vows...how could you justify an affair, even to yourself?

The same way a drug addicted person justifies getting a hit of coke or a line of heroine knowing it could send them to jail. The thought of not getting the "fix" is more powerful than the thought of the consequences of the decision.

None of this makes sense to me. Why wouldn't my WS just divorce me instead of breaking my whole world to pieces?

In my case, because at my core was a love for Wells. One deep enough to hold fast when confronted with the choice of my addiction or my family.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I thought of another thing my fwh said that I can't figure out...i'm sure it has been addressed somewhere on si before...but then again what hasn't...what does...I love you but I'm not in love with you..or I'm not sure I want to be married anymore...are those just generalizations that mean, I WANT OUT? I am so confused...now, he loves me but I have never gotten him to say he is in love with me...i am not going to ask..has he forgotten what he said...have you ever had to address that? Why do you think you said it and do you think your bs believes you... those are very powerful words!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatGhostIsMe -

Wow! Thanks for the detail. It does help to understand your background.

What can I do to make this "safe" for him?

He needs to get to a place where he understands that IC is all about helping him heal, and helping him get to a happier life. The first session (intake) is just questions about family history and background. It's a really harmless way for the counselor and the individual to get comfortable with each other. Try to let him know this, and if it helps I am available for him to PM if he needs to hear it from someone who has been in his shoes.

How can I get him to see how important it is without forcing him into it or nagging him?

If you can get him talking with other FWS who have been in his shoes, that would be the fastest route. They can share their experience and he can see that he is not alone.

How did *you* overcome your fears, and what did your BSs do to help you?

I was pretty committed to IC early on. We tried one MC session and we both agreed I needed to fix myself first.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really lost -

you don't know or don't remember why you gave yourself permission to be intimate with another woman...why was that ok...or what you discussed in the 20 phone calls in a billing cycle that lasted for 20-30 minutes..

It depends on how much and what kind of detail you are asking for. And to be honest (which should be the standard here on SI, yes?), if you asked me during my 5 month fog I wouldn't have been able to articulate it at all.

It wasn't so much permission as it was desperately clinging to a person who gave high doses of positive feedback. "you're so awesome", "you're really hot" (despite not having seen me in person). It was doing whatever was necessary to keep that high going against the daily reality of being shown a true mirror that reflected who I really was - a flawed person that made mistakes and plenty of them.

I never made it to PA stage but my BW and I have agreed over time that it probably would have gone there. I got very lucky that I was "caught" when I was. I would have gone there simply because it was a foolish desperate attempt to keep the person I thought I loved. I didn't love her as a person. I loved the sense of confidence she instilled in me. My addiction to that feedback is what "allowed" me to make the choices I did.

What we talked about so much? Literally it was work, other people on the site we both posted at, home life (usually a highly distorted negative view), sports, news...topics you would talk about with nearly anyone else. The difference is it's highly focused on one person, to the exclusion of the rest of the real world around you.

or what did you think was going to come of the relationship you were fostering behind my back and that you knew I wouldn't condone?

I didn't think. I acted on impulse, like a proverbial Pavlov's dog. xMOW rang the bell and I barked and wagged my tail (ok, not literally.). Whatever I had to do to feed my fix for someone to tell me how great a guy I was.

What does I don't remember or I don't know really mean..I don't want to say?

It could mean I don't want to say. It could also mean I don't know because I haven't allowed myself to confront that demon yet. Since I haven't allowed myself to face my faults and get strong enough to overcome them, I'm still deluded and thus don't know how to answer.

if you ever did give your spouse or significant other an answer after continually answering, I don't know or I don't remember...what made you finally pony up?

I was able to open up more as I came to understand how truly screwed up I was, and how warped my thinking was during my fog.

what does...I love you but I'm not in love with you..or I'm not sure I want to be married anymore

While I never used this phrase with Wells, I think I can see where it would come from. During the withdrawal phase from xOP, as the fog lifts it happens gradually. It is incredibly confusing, because you can't reconcile what you did and what you said with who you are and what you believe. Today, I am firmly convinced that my love for Wells runs incredibly deep because it was strong enough to overcome my addiction. But during my fog I didn't have clue.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust2much -

Didn't want you think I was ignoring you. I have never left Wells, so I'm not equipped to answer your question too well.

I'm sure another WS will be by who can help out.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Topic Posts: 1000
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