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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I got there and told my H I needed to talk to him about a problem I was having with my work. He walked away with me and I said, "I know about you and X."

He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I punched all the codes into his blackberry and held it up to his ear. I saw the color drain out of his face, and he said, "I made a mistake. Once. Right before we moved when we weren't having sex at all."

I just saw red. Everything we'd been through, how unbalanced our marriage had become, how much of the grunt work of our lives I was doing, all boiled up. I told him I never remembered a time when we weren't having sex at all and he should just find a suitcase and get the fuck out. That the two of them were welcome to each other.

That was the last time, believe it or not, that I head blameshifting or an excuse out of his mouth. He was supposed to leave for a business trip back to our old city the next morning and I realized that that was when he'd been seeing her--he'd been back approximately once a month since the move. I was seriously ready to send him to her, but he refused to go.

OK. Off to freeze my ass off at the beach. More later.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Brooke))))

I can "hear" the anger in your "voice" right now. Breathe...RUN on the beach. Run as hard as you can and then dive into the ocean.

I will keep checking in...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else compare every memory in relation to the timeline of the A?

For example...I was just vaccuming and was trying to figure out how old the rugs are....I had a hard time figuring it out and realized it was like 1.5 years ago....and it makes me say, OMG....that was half way through the A....this started (the A) SO long ago that I can barely remember what was going on then.....

It makes me so incredibly sad & amazed....like what could be left of our M after so much time? He spent 2.5 years focusing on his A's....he knew her just as well as me. It amazes me and makes me have that horrible hopeless feeling.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else compare every memory in relation to the timeline of the A?

WhatNow...I do something slightly different. My Hs infidelities occurred throughout our marriage. In general, I can just dismiss the ONS and pros as they didn't impact my life as much as the LTAs. The two LTAs lasted essentially 10 years. I spend so much time thinking back over those years and remembering things that didn't make sense, times when he was irritable or just "not there" and now I know why. We took an amazing trip to California (all expenses paid) through my company. I had to go out a couple of days before my H for meetings. When he flew out, he was so distant and really mean...just being a nasty prick. I could not understand it. We were in paradise and all we did was fight. I now know that the two days I was gone, he EA with the first LTA went PA. He brought her into our new home, showered with her, slept with her in my bed.

When they say the two worlds were seperate and they "compartmentalized" it all away, I can scream BULLSHIT. Because when that EA went PA my H changed overnight. We have talked about it a lot. He said he knew he had taken another, more drastic step and he lost even more self-esteem. He hated himself (subconciously) for what he was doing so he focused that anger on me. Our relationship had been wonderful that summer and it turned into a non-stop bitching match after he went PA. He was in the process of rewriting history in the moment so he could justify his affair.

Sorry, very long and sad, but yes. I can look back now and "understand" moments that didn't make sense then.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH didn't have a drastic change like that. He was never negative towards me. He did withdraw more & more over the 2.5 years but it was so gradual that I thought it was just the way our relationship was headed with us both working full time & having 2 small children.

I look back upon the times of specific events and how they correlate and that makes me angry too. We started having poker games with our "friends" the same month his 1st A started....We had poker bi-weekly for the 2.5 years with all the invovled parties there.

The A started with OW#2 around Valentine's day, the next weekend he has his 3/4 some sex thing, the 20th is my birthday, and the week after that our first son turned 1. It kills me to think of the effort & commitment I had at that time to our M and family and he was all focused on group f'in sex. He realizes more and more as time passes how much he "missed", although I don't think he really gets it yet....he gives me that, "it was separate" thing.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ya...and D-day was the day after my son's 3rd birthday. So valentines until D-day on 3/4 is going to be hell.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So valentines until D-day on 3/4 is going to be hell.

WhatNow...it is all hell..the rollercoaster just sucks completely.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((brooke))))

How are you doing?

That was the last time, believe it or not, that I head blameshifting or an excuse out of his mouth

Wow. I dont think I have come across another LTA WS like that here. I bet that must help tremendoudly towards your healing.

Still, reliving this now must so heartsore.How are you coping, IRL?

***
Whatnow

Does anyone else compare every memory in relation to the timeline of the A?

Like you wont believe.
From the time he first called me up (he was trying to get over her/make her jealous?)right through the whole M.

I guess thats why I try not to think about life before too much these days (great job I have been doing, huh?)

You know what I am reminded of now? The time when he bought me jewellery (for my bday)without even asking me what i wanted, from which shop and what coulour/size etc.

I was so chuffed, and told everyone about it. We had been going through a tough patch and I thought this meant we had turned a corner.

Gullible old me.
Found out that he had bought her the exact same thing for her bday except diff colour. HE gave her my colour of choice. I wonder if she knew; if that was her style of jewellery; whether she had pointed it out to him.

I am slipping again.

I am trying so hard here to turn the other cheek, to play nice. But he is being such an asshole.

I am going to bed and just stay away. Anyone read, "The Shack"?
Choked me up no end last night.
Cant finish it tonight so hopefully will find an escapism book hiding here somewhere.

***
Good night Tribe.

PS. Suitey, if you are lurking, jump in and say hi.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess thats why I try not to think about life before too much these days

The same for me...but why that kills me is that my oldest son is 3.5, so i have 2.5 years of his life...most every picture on my computer that makes me think...what was going on then?? I was just looking through pics again and every time I do I find more pics of the OW. Today I found 2 pics of her & DH on a fair ride, 1 of her bottom half watching after she gave my oldest son a new toy...and then I sadly deleted 22 pictures of pumpkin carving that she did with him. I thought I could look past the fact that she had done it with him and still keep the pictures....but that's one of the memories he still has today. If he sees a pumpkin he still asks about her.

Time, right? f'in time.....


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brooke, you're doing great. I could just feel your emotions and boy do I remember when I first realize. Like a light bulb just came on in my head and I had to know. And then I simply had to talk to him. I did wait until he got home from work but I can remember that overwhelming feeling was the most awful thing I have ever felt in my life.

Does anyone else compare every memory in relation to the timeline of the A?

Yes. And H does not understand at all.

In fact, I feel like we pretty much never talk about the affair now. And it is making thins very hard on me. I just don't know where to even start with him anymore Things seemed to be improving and now suddenly things feel very very distant. I am very up on where he is and such now so I think I would know if something was happening again and i don't get that feeling. More of a feeling like he thinks I should be over this. He has even said that he can't help hat he moved on faster. No shit idiot. I would move on faster too if I wasn't the one hit by a bus. He doesn't blame shift or make excuses or anything, he just genuinely does not get how much pain I was/am in. How do I make him see that?


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thanks for all the kind words. And, yes, I can see the anger in what I've written (there will always be a little there) but believe it or not, I'm doing fine IRL.

This is sort of an antiversary exorcism. I'm trying to think of it as a rite of passage before moving on to the next phase of my healing.

I don't have more time right now, but will post the rest of the story later.

((hugs to all))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know my antiversary is coming up too. This is the month he started acting weird...the 23rd is the day he disappeared to AC with who know who and I found the sweater in my car that night. We were in MC by the 30th with him denying any reason for us to be there. Two weeks later I found the letters and the motel receipts.

Actually 2 weeks ago was the anniversary of her death.

I didn't even think about that until now. The antiversary I can't help but remember since he's been talking about getting away and the camping trip is where he went while I did my skullduggery.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For someone from my background, this type of personality development was unimaginable. And to Weepy's point, I gave most people the benefit of the doubt. So not only did I not know that NPD and sociapaths walked in my midst, I certainly would NEVER have believed that man I loved was one of them.

HS - this statement is so true for me as well. I have always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I never wanted to believe the worst in anyone, even after they proved themselves to be unworthy of my friendship and loyalty. When someone would criticize another person, I tried to play the devil's advocate and show them the good points they overlooked in that person. I took this attitude into my M. I once took a test from a magazine with my H and SIL. It judged whether you were an idealist, a realist or an opportunist. I, no big surprise, scored in the idealist category, my H was the realist and my SIL an opportunist. One of the saddest outcomes of my H's LTA is that I no longer feel the need to give people the benefit of the doubt, to look for their good side (everyone on this site excluded of course ).
I think it was this aspect of my personality that kept me from really examining what was going on in my M. It never would have occurred to me that my H was capable of such a thing. It was completely out of my realm of reality. These things happen in Lifetime movies, not in my personal circle.
So I don't think that I ever would have thought even now that I "endured" emotional abuse or neglect. I gave my H the benefit of the doubt, he's tired, stressed, whatever, accepted the reality of my situation and then made choices that I felt I was entitled to in order to be happy. I honestly stopped looking to my H to make me happy, to fulfill me. I believed it was not his responsibility to make me happy - it was mine. Yes, I was happy with my marital status and certainly didn't want that to change, but where I felt I was in wont of something, I went after it and did what I needed to do for myself. I never asked for permission, looked for approval or considered it necessary to wonder if it was in the best interest of my M. Afterall, my H taught me to look after myself and by his example, I was given tremendous freedom. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss that!
I feel that I am now in the place you and others have said you were before d-day. A place where I am making sacrificies and concessions that I find difficult in order to save my M. I do not want to divorce. I do not want to be single again. I do not want to hook up with some other loser with issues I'm not prepared to deal with. Better to stay with the devil I know, KWIM??
I don't know if I'm missing an important point here with this discussion and I want to be honest with myself but my need to be realistic at this stage of my life has me focused on what things I am willing to sacrifice in order to continue in my M.
Sorry to ramble (could be the wine
).
Brooke - thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you are finding comfort and friendship here. It is a very confusing time and I hope that getting all of this out is helping you as you move onto the next phase of your healing.
LH - I'm worried about you. I am not surprised that you're slipping right now considering your H's attitude. I do hope his IC gets back soon and that he can help your H get through this negative, hurtful phase.
Today I found 2 pics of her & DH on a fair ride, 1 of her bottom half watching after she gave my oldest son a new toy...and then I sadly deleted 22 pictures of pumpkin carving that she did with him.

WhatNow - I have to say this is IMHO pure evil on the OW's part. They invade our lives and pretend to be a friend to us, to our children and to our M and all the while they are working at destroying the very thing they seem to admire and respect. It is beyond my imagination and brings out an anger in me that even after 2 1/2 years I can still experience utter rage over.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the saddest outcomes of my H's LTA is that I no longer feel the need to give people the benefit of the doubt, to look for their good side


fnf - yes, me too. Yet, I am not sure if it is a sad outcome. I think I was too far on one end of the spectrum and now, quite frankly, I am too far out on the other.
I believe the pendulum will swing back the other way and I will end up closer to the middle than I was. That is my positive spin on this.

I feel that I am now in the place you and others have said you were before d-day. A place where I am making sacrificies and concessions that I find difficult in order to save my M.

In what way? Did you read the thread in general about speaking your own truth? I posted the link back a page but can find it if you need it....let me know if you need to "talk".


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brooke, that hurts to read. I'm sorry you had to live through it. Did it help to write it out? Where are you and your husband now?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Ok, quickly, next installment.

I was in total shock. I'd obviously known things weren't perfect, but this had never occurred to me. Even as I was picking up that phone I would have bet millions that my H would never do that. Although m IC, who doesn't believe in coincidence, or so she says, believes I must have at least suspected on some level to have picked up that phone, which I'd never, ever done before. I think when I went to confront him, I was half hoping he'd tell me she was stalking him, crazy, etc. But, of course, she wasn't.

We sat on a picnic table, watching our guests and the kids play mini golf. I remember my H getting me a coke and making me drink it because he thought I was going to faint. I asked if he was in love with her. I vaguely remember that he almost laughed when he said no.

Even in the midst of the total annihilation of the shock I was surprised that if he was going to have an A that he would have chosen to have it with her. They'd worked together for a long time. She was very attractive but had, essentially, no redeeming personal qualities (big surprise, huh?). She was married--currently on her fourth husband. We had laughed together many times over how shallow she was and how she almost idolized my H. Over the next few days one of the things that I kept coming back to over and over was that I had not only spent hours on the phone, listening to her blather, when I called him at the office, but I had, in my good wife role, been the one to buy her birthday and Christmas presents. He had actually sat and discussed gifts with me for the woman he was fucking.

Over the next few days we coped with a house chock full of merry guests--friends and relatives--and I tried to cope with the shock. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't let him touch me. He had risked everything. His job (she was very subordinate to him), his marriage, our health (unprotected sex, of course), everything.

He said he was happy, loved me, loved the kids, had no idea why or how he had done this. I made him go for STD testing and he said that telling a strange doctor (we were still at our vacation house) what he had done made it start to hit him. He said that he'd rationalized it in some way that because he didn't love her it wasn't a real affair.

But I considered it very much an affair. Over the next few days I asked question after question after question. I had no idea what to do except gather as much information as possible. We stayed up almost all night every night while I drilled him with questions. I was pretty uncompromising about accepting "I don't know" and "I don't remember."

The A had been going on for around 2 years, maybe a bit longer. He honestly doesn't seem to remember when it began, a fact that boggles my mind but does fit in with a lot of other things. They had worked together for years, as I've mentioned. He always thought she was attractive, but didn't give it much thought.

More tomorrow. Sleep tight everyone.

And BT- we're pretty good now, but it's been a long road.

((hugs))



Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet another argument with H re his SIL. HE spoke her twice and refuses to tell me what they spoke about.Says its none of my business.

We argued and he says he doesnt want me or this M anymore. I am tired of this rollercoaster. I am tired of him putting himself/whatever in front of us. I am tired of being made the scapegoat for his issues. I am tired of this man and his moods and his issues. He doesnt want to even help himself; he just wants to wallow.

I am tired and I think I am done. I have been advised by an elder in the community, is this is what I realy want, then to initiate the D proceedings.But if its him that wants a D, then he shoudl do it.(this is for the religious M, not the legal one).Its a bit of a long process.

I want to clobber him hard. I want to run away.
I want to go back to where we were 2 months ago.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Long read. There's been some fair old discussions I seem to have missed out on. Just working through those LTA's. I see you've opened up the shutters this morning LostH. I shall run on this virtual beach when I've posted. Okay, catching up here.

I put everyone in front of me. To the point where I didn't evern really matter to myself. That is not love, I know now, but a kind of slavery and one that causes an enormous amount of resentment in a person.

My basic chronic lack of confidence and self belief means I do not want to look to myself first. I need to be needed and prove that I can be competent enough for others to look to me for whatever. I have now put myself on the barbed wire of pain and canít get off. The more I twist and turn, the worse it gets. I canít manage myself and feel such a failure for not seeing what was happening. I am supposed to look after others needs and I failed abysmally.

Yet strangely, before DDay, like most others here I DID like myself. I thought I was alright. I donít have a malicious or lying bone in my body and I thought my rule of ďdo as you would be done byĒ would hold me in good stead. And he saw that trait as something to be resented. Like BT said, it was something he just paid lip service to b/c he WAS just out for himself. And I donít see how that can change.

A WS may still have a certain fondness for their spouse while betraying them completely, but not love, at least not by my definition.

BT, again I think youíre right, my H is mistaking one kind of love for another. I could have been a friend or a sister. I was someone who was there for him and he liked that, the marriage gave him comfort and security. He was not in love with me and he didnít love me as his wife and life partner.
*****
Does anyone else compare every memory in relation to the timeline of the A?

Yes. Thatís why the not wearing jewellery he bought me was one of the earliest actions. Wedding & eternity rings first, then stuff he had bought during the affair and then, when I realised OW had been in the background of his mind for our whole 29yrs together, the rest, including a very pretty heart necklace he gave me post-dday. Just wear my true-to-myself ring.
*****
One of the saddest outcomes of my H's LTA is that I no longer feel the need to give people the benefit of the doubt, to look for their good side

And I look at couples and wonder which one of them, if not both, has had an affair ÖÖÖÖ.
*****
HE spoke her twice and refuses to tell me what they spoke about.Says its none of my business.

The very fact he is trying to put a wedge between you and using the SIL is very bad news. He has to understand that you have every reason to suspect she is ďadvisingĒ him on the marriage and that conversations with her are an open book. Why does he feel the need to have secrets? Are they a way of controlling you and the marriage? Iím so sorry LostH, you really do have to look after yourself first and foremost and hope you can survive until his next IC. (((((LostH)))))
*****
(((Brooke))), thanks for your story by instalment. It makes it easier to read, kind of chapter by chapter! Sitting here waiting for the next one. Reading it, there are echoes for everyone here. When my H finally went to our doctor after I went apeshit at him for still texting OW, he broke down in the surgery. What he had done hit him. And I donít think any of us can understand how they could risk so much for so little. My H says it was an escape. It may have been at the beginning, but it soon became his prison.
*****
MC on Tue brought out some unpleasant realisations and a couple of lightbulb moments. I have to work them through for myself. FWH went away early yesterday and isnít due home until tomorrow night. So Iím in a slump. Off for that run now.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In what way? Did you read the thread in general about speaking your own truth?

HS - sorry I wasn't able to get back to you sooner but my H was around all night and he hates it when he knows I'm on here.
The plain and simple answer to your question is that I had tremendous financial, personal and social freedom when my H was involved in his A. He never questionned how I spent my money or my time and certainly never tried to stop me from taking a week or more to travel wherever or whenever I wanted to. It was an amazing period of freedom for me and I absolutely loved it!
If I wanted to make changes around the house, I hired very talented and competent people and spent whatever I thought was necessary and reasonable to get the job done right. We are currently in a standstill over re-doing our kitchen. He is trying to limit the extent of changes on a 30 year old kitchen and I would rather not start the project if I can't do it the right way. (I sound like a spoiled brat, don't I?) If I wanted to take a 10 day trip to Europe to be with my son, I made my arrangements and off I went. I took weekends away with friends or with family and my H never complained. I wonder why??? I took my girls on vacations and loved spending quality time alone with them. If I wanted something for myself, I didn't worry about the cost, I bought myself whatever I needed or wanted and if my H happened to notice my new purchase, he rarely asked what I spent. The more I did for myself without having to answer to my H, the bolder I became. I had no idea why my H was so generous with me but I certainly wasn't going to question this.
I know this probably sounds so shallow, but I was loving my life.
Like I've said so many times, initially I tried so hard to get my H to participate in our M and our family life. When I decided to stop fighting him, I started to look at those things I wanted for myself and I went after them. We lived very parallel lives. He was doing his thing and I was doing mine.
Now, we are trying to do things together, spend "quality time" together, get to know each other again. It has not been easy. My H and I have very different interests. This is where the concessions are coming in. He loves the opera. I do to a point, but he is obsessed with it and if I agree to go to one, he insists on reading the libretto with me, listening to it in advance, discussing it ad nauseum, until finally I want to scream. It's overkill. If I try to listen to my country, yes Martina, , he complains about my taste in music. Don't agree with him, HS. You're supposed to be on my side. Now when I go shopping, he is constantly questionning the cost and trying to put limits on my spending.
This all sounds so trivial compared to what others on here are going through but the adjustments for me have been difficult. My H was working full-time and spending his free time away from home. Now he has gone part-time and spends all of his free time with me. It's making me crazy. He constantly follows me around and wants to know what's on our agenda. It is a complete and utter change of lifestyle and it is a struggle trying to balance my needs with what is best for our M. So when I read the article you linked for us about finding your own truth, I guess you can say I'm trying to answer that now. All of the freedom I enjoyed during his A years were bad for our M and yet they were my truth at that time and I miss that freedom terribly. I have made my M a priority now and I believe my H has too and that is very important to me but in doing so I feel like I am giving up something of myself. I'll work through it to where I find a balance. I know this issue is so trivial in comparison to others and I am happy that my H and I are working to save our M but there is a piece of me that really misses my old life.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


As an aside from the story, one of the things that I always think when I read the LTA board and see the agony we suffer over our H's having loved someone else, is that I came from the other side of that equation. I almost felt like if he had happened to fall in love with someone else, I could have understood that on some level. But he had risked everything for someone he barely even liked. My children and I had been gambled with for someone with essentially no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's taken me all these years to even begin to come to grips with that part.

Anyway, we went home. I was in a state of complete shock, but like all of us, I existed. Got the kids back to school and kind of drifted through life. I got further behind on work--my concentration span was somewhere under 3 seconds--lost weight, couldn't think about anything else, etc. I went for STD testing. H insisted on coming with me and said that hearing me tell someone else the story penetrated another layer of his self-defenses.

He was relieved the A was over--he'd been trying to get himself to put a stop to it pretty much since it had started. The big move was partly intended to be a clean break, but he must have known right away that it was going to continue on the monthly trips back. I was too stunned to be very angry at first, but this was one thing that pissed me off: I had had to end his affair for him. He couldn't even be man enough to do it himself.

The story of the A was basically that they had worked together all these years, nothing inappropriate. Then one day he went out to for a quick lunch and ended up grabbing a sandwich and taking it to the park near the office. She was doing the same, they sat together for 15 minutes, ate their sandwiches, went back to the office, end of story. Except that he never mentioned it to me.

They "ran into each other" a few more times over the next few weeks (again, he never mentioned it to me) and then it became a regular thing for them to have lunch a few times a week. Early on in the lunches she started talking about sex. An aside: who the fuck does that? Talks about sex with their boss? And on the slip side, what the hell kind of person talks about sex with a very subordinate employee????

The gist of the sex conversation was that she was very "European" in her attitude. She's a few years older than we are, and as I've mentioned, was on her 4th marriage. We'd both heard for years how unhappy the marriage is. The usual- he's controlling, he's older, etc. He's also quite wealthy. She always told us that she came from enormous background wealth (a story I'd been telling my H from day 1 was seriously suspect) and liked to imply that she lived sort of a fast jet-set life style.

Part of this, she told him, was that she liked to go to very high class orgies as a "voyeur." I mean, WTF is a high class orgy? I'd think the very nature of the even pretty much rules that out. Anyway, he was intrigued. She told him all about it and offered to take him. He got more and more intrigued. They spent more and more lunches discussing it. One day on the way back to the office, he says that he said, "I find you very attractive."

She didn't say anything for a few minutes and then said, "if we're going to do this, it's just sex, no falling in love. You book the hotel."

We have only joint credit cards and he's way too much of a straight shooter to shack up on the corporate Amex (oh the irony), so he booked a cash-only fleabag a few blocks from the office.

He found her attractive enough, but wasn't really dying to have an A with her. As I've mentioned numerous times, there is something repellant about her. I don't know that she really has histrionic personality disorder, but she has a lot of those kinds of traits. But he wanted to get to check out the orgy, and he understood that this was the first step.

He said that even as he was walking to the hotel, he wasn't sure he was going to go through with it. He got there and freaked out, but she got the job done. Afterwards, he left, telling her and himself that he was never going to do that again. Spent the night lying awake, thinking about confessing, but decided it was over and to put it behind him.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

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