DD took me out last night to find a movie. This was after a mini-meltdown I thought I had kept to myself. He was joking and hugging me. DD is not much of a comfort, but her antics are a distraction.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:32 AM, August 18th (Monday)]
I can't do that right now. I just can't. It hurt his feelings and i don't care. I can't love him right now, and i don't know if I really want to.
Re your weekend :what a wonderful way to honour your aunt's life. She sounds awesome...like you.
I look forward to getting to know you.
LH- Welcome back. With all that is going on with your in-laws it just adds to the stress, huh? I know you will stand up for yourself in the best way for LH and family.
Catch up with you all later.
You know...I wish he had cut me off during his affairs because at least it would have been a clue.
shirley, as a couple of us will tell you, complete abstinance with us has it's own lovely little problems. the sense that we are now "owed" what we didn't get then. The knowledge that all of their sexual needs were being taken care of somewhere else and they didn't want us at all. Believe me, the two "pity" or "forced" sex times I can remember having during his affairs are etched in my brain. One I'm sure was to throw me off the track and the other... well, I might as well have raped him, along with the begging. NOT fond memories.
I'm not a clueless person. I believed him and the other poster I'm thinking of believed her H's reasoning too. When they said it had nothing to do with us, it was their decisionfor sometimes "noble" reasons, it still didn't flag anything because it fit in with the rest of their behavior at the time.
So I'm not having sex now... is he cheating? Nothing points that way except the absence of sex.
LH- Welcome back. With all that is going on with your in-laws it just adds to the stress, huh?
Thanks HB.SIL leaves on Thursday.Then the s**t will really hit the fan as the news will spread in our community about my stance. Then again, since she is uh...well known..maybe not.
Surprise mail came from my younger sister yesterday. I had emailed her what had gone down briefly, as I knew my mum would hear about it soon, and I didnt want to "go there" with her when she returns this week.
To my surprise, my sister said that they all stood behind me, inclu my mum. Ok....
However, I am not going to count on anyone to back me up should any consequences come up. I made the call,and I have to be ready to face it.
Weepy, how are you? How is the new job? Still being feted on by the youngsters?
and that they had just been friends
You know...I wish he had cut me off during his affairs because at least it would have been a clue.
He said he didn't think I was interested in sex
Now we have MC tonight. I have the memory stick thing to read (usual lies and rewritten history, I think I’m never going to “know”). Does anyone have an opinion about the HSV2 and what I should do? Could I be opening something here that has the potential to destroy everything so far? He is still saying there was no one else apart from Rosemary. I am not so sure.
Oh, and the meet was great! I have come to the conclusion that caring unselfish people join SI. There was just a good feel because we are, actually, very nice folk! I was glad that howcouldhe1 managed to come. Her H is in hospital in a coma with a severe head injury not far from where we met up. She took some respite time out. And, of course, it slaps things into perspective with the whole fragility of life. So LostH – next time you be there too!
Oh, my H used this one too recently in a slightly different format "How about all the times you didn't want to have sex with me? How do you think that made me feel?" I said "I wouldn't know you never told me. I am telling you."
I just spent another fortune on Amazon buying "how can he do that?" type books. Books on abusive relationships. LH, might be a good place for you to start to. And there was one on "Can they change?" That's going to be my barometer.
It is interesting to go back to that time and remember what was going on in our lives.
No, it's not interesting, it's devastating. Our kids were dealing with their disability and school was a real challenge. My H was in total denial about their lack of vision. Totally. He'd actually say things like "they can see, they just want you to do it for them."
He was never around. In 1988 he started his own business when I was 5 mo. pregnant with out son. I supported him because I knew how unhappy he was at his previous employer. I took on the household responsibility because he ASKED ME TO. AND he forced me to by not being around. Being unavailable during any work hours because even in the rain, "someone might need a repair and what's he' going to do with two kids in tow." Childcare costs were KILLING us and at the time we didn't have to pay if we weren't there. But he was even too "busy" to go pick them up for me so that I might be able to get home earlier.
I left the house at 7 AM and got home at 6 PM, then made dinner, then supervised homework or did laundry or packed lunches. His contribution was to come home, eat, fall asleep. You know I recognized his exhaustion. I'd lived with him being a roofer for 15 years prior to that. TO hear him tell it, he'd come home and I'd be miserable and he went to bed to avoid hearing me tell him what I needed him to do.
When our D was born, he was 100% invested in the M and her. When our son was born, he abandoned him. He never got the attention from my H that he craved. H would say things like "I don't know what to do with him... he can't see, he's not interested in sports, let's wait until he's older and maybe he can join the boy scouts." Well, he did, my H joined with him... The leader was the one helping our son, not my H. I found out he would drop him off and go see OW, who lived like 5 blocks away from the meeting. Oh, he'd do the campouts and help him with his badges, (after berating him for not doing them right.)
My son actually said to me yesterday, after I again tried to explain his father's behavior... "So, you're telling me that I'll be him later because I didn't ahve a father figure and he always abused me for not being good enough." I told him I hoped not because he at least had a mother who was invested in him. Dad didn't even have that.
My mother had retired and gotten sick, finally dying in '99. Yes, I helped her. Yes, probably more than I should have.
H said I didn't want sex? I didn't recognize him coming home after 12 hours at work and grabbing my breast as an "invitation to make love". I "rejected" HIM.
Look, I'm not saying I was perfect. I know my unspoken and spoken resentment was a barrier. But it got a ton worse during the affair period and for good reason. He refused to acknowledge that. He remembers being rejected and lonely. And his OW was supposedly the aggressor too. BUT he COULD walk in her house, grab her tit and have her drop to her knees and blow him. I couldn't do that with two kids at the kitchen table waiting to get fed, bills to pay, laundry to do. Gee, that's all he wanted from me was complete and total sexual compliance.
Didn't help that he was working with a bunch of hounds either. One guy apparently made it a habit of screwing the homeowner or a member of the family, at almost every job. The other guy was a roaring alcoholic who's wife was so distraught over his behavior and needed to help... THAT's the woman he's been calling. I KNOW to talk to her H, but I don't need that spark reignighted.
Fuck I am so angry at him.
If I had known anything before about four and a half year duration of the affair, I think my H was so far into his renewed relationship (path untrod and all that crap), he would have chosen her. He would probably have regretted it, but I think her pull on him was so strong and she so desperately wanted to have him, he would have left the marriage
"Like the great philosopher Aristotle once said, I am no longer interested in sex, I am moving on to more important things in life."
Then when I learned the real reason, I wanted to beat the crap out of him.
And I can identify with your last comment, FNF. A big part of him wants to deny him access into the family home and life. He forced me to take the reins and how he wants to share again.
And I’ve read the doc he gave me. Yep. He’s rewritten history. What was it about her? History. Says he never stopped loving me. In fact he now says he was always “in love” with me. Here’s a bit of the stuff he wrote:
I don’t think that I was looking at her or at myself in the real world. There was an element of escapism, not hugely overwhelming, but there was also a deep sense of low self-esteem. I had failed at everything so it didn’t matter what I did next. I was a failure. This still does not explain why I went from meeting her, slightly surprised and saddened at what time had done to her, to having an affair. Doubtless, she spent time and effort on looking good and making sure that she was telling me all the right things, but I have had that before and never had a problem walking away. There were three phases. Firstly disbelief at what I had done. Secondly, carried on recklessly and with little regard for what it was doing to her and to us, especially when I re-ignited the relationship; and, finally, the growing realisation that having the affair was a dreadful choice, ill-conceived, and something that was going to be hideously difficult to deal with. Like being adrift in a sea, there were waves of emotions pushing and pulling, and I was a coward frightened of drowning.
I don’t deny that it was, at times, an escape from reality; that I enjoyed her company, elements of role play, a lovely distraction from what was happening but, not once did I forget that I was the architect of the difficulties. It never stopped me from being with her but it stopped me from giving of myself to that point when you no longer counted. I never stopped loving you.
A lovely distraction. From what exactly? And that somehow I could carry the weight of it all without leaving the marriage? So if he loved me so much, why’d he feel the need to fuck another woman? Or ask her to marry him? Or tell her he’d waited twenty five fucking years for her? Or count the days they had been back together? Or “live as man and wife” for a week? Or pursue her relentlessly, even when she tried (not very hard) to end it? Or write all that angst ridden poetry about her? He never stopped loving me. What utter tosh. He was going to get found out. She was a ticking time bomb and there would come a moment in her alcohol fuelled evenings she was going to say or text or email me. I wish I’d had a “distraction”. I wish I could get a “distraction” from all this fucking pain.
Sorry. That turned into (another) rant.
I think I’m getting seriously fucked up here. Sometimes I just want to scream until I expire.
He did because he wanted to and could. POS fuckwit.
I look back and feel so stupid.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:57 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
Ukg, I will try v hard to be there next time.I wanted to catch up with GHD too.
I read through some of the reminscing here. Do you guys ever try to just not go back there? I will myself not to think about the past, cos I know it will open up a whole bunch of sores that really cant be healed. There is nothing H can do now to heal them. They have been done. And I find looking back and reliving just sometimes stops me from dealing with the now, KWIM?
I was going through my PM box and found one by BT who, as usual, said the right thing at the right time ( BT).
There are 2 points I want to mention, cos I realised that they are still applicable to me now in my prsent sitch, and might help someone else too.
1. My anger.
H uses my anger; he feeds off it.And I end up feeling worse. He pokes and prods, and I take the bait and before I know it, I am spewing venom. Which he uses for whatever need he has (to vent on me, to make himself feel/look better etc).
I have to stop taking the bait. I have to find other ways to deal with my anger. And he will have to deal with whatver need he has by himself.
2. Our disrespect towards each other.
you treat people with respect and kindness you almost always wind up ahead. If you treat them like a boob, they'll most likely be one
Thats a lesson I had forgotten. I am not taking responsibility for H's actions. But I need to see my part in them too.
(Apologies to BT if I misresprented the gist. )
I do see him making the effort to participate in our lives.
I see this too, but in a very negative fashion. BEFORE I knew he was getting involved with DS's college plans, they bought dirt bikes together. He was home for DD's special evenings.
Now he's here, but he's all gangbusters and pushing for HIS WAY OR the highway again and yes, that does rankle. Any more when I come up against that I just say "fine, do it your way." And watch as it NEVER GETS DONE. Six month later when I bring it up he says nothing happened with that plan because I was against it.
I really think the man is not just emotionally stunted, but mentally as well.
He spent a half an hour trying to convince me the tree out front of our house is purple. I bought red, I know it's red. I let him go on the internet and research and print off color samples etc. He was wrong, so he never said another word about something so critical 2 hours before.
He'll move DS down to his apartment "on his own sweet timetable" So what do I have to do? Rent a moving truck and drive him down myself? The kid starts classes in 2 weeks.
DS told us last night that his old gf had unprotected sex with someone and is freaked out that she might be pregnant. Not a comfortable conversation. Especially when he said she told him she'd made a "mistake". I asked him "was it a mistake?" He said no, it was a bad decision. I just said "yep, there's a lot of decision making going, a lot of places to stop and consider consequences and decide to continue. Please don't call it a mistake." H of course, is going on about the diseases and etc. and I'm burning. Finally when all was reported I said, well she might as well go for the trifecta... she doesn't know him, had unprotected sex, the only thing left is he's married. He said she doesn't even know that.
Think we could discuss this quietly ourselves? No f'ng way. It's HER problem, has nothing to do with what he did... afteralll, he didn't get her pregnant, never was unprotected (lie).
Do you guys ever try to just not go back there? I will myself not to think about the past, cos I know it will open up a whole bunch of sores that really cant be healed. There is nothing H can do now to heal them. They have been done. And I find looking back and reliving just sometimes stops me from dealing with the now, KWIM?
I think I will go to my deathbed trying to figure out how my H could have ever done this to me and to us.
Fnf, I have twisted and turned this over and over in my head since dday.How H did what he did, all the time making me believe that I was the crazy loony one, making EVERYONE believe that whilst he was the sane rational poor understanding H.
I just cant understand it...no more so than I can understand how a man can have a LTA with a 14 girl, then gets her to run away, gets her pg, keeps her hidden moving her from hotel to hotel as she was underage till she turned 18 and is completely forsaken by her family, then brings her home and she finds out that he had been married all the time (and had a DS) and had just then gotten a D...my parents.
I dont understand how these things work. And It Drove Me Insane. You guys bore witness to that.
I guess I am a bit of chicken for not wanting to think about all that stuff 'cos for this black-and-white--be-kind- unto-others-as-you want-them-to-be-unto-you girl...it is too much.
I have to, for MY sanity, try to focus on the present and the not so distant past. Go too far and I will drown, KWIM?
I had to make some kind of peace with myself that some things just cant be made sense of. And that my H had to have been a very very damaged man to have done that.
I hope I didnt offend you, Fnf. That sentence of yours just made my heart ache.
Sorry, my dear dear friend.