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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i cant drive so far. holdiay is 2 .5 hrs from glasgow airport. and with the kids. i am jsut not perpecrwed for this.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is he now? Is he locked away in a room or is he near you? I would try to plead on behalf of the children but I would not beg, KWIM? This is something they have been looking forward to I'm sure for a while. Why did he choose this night to do this?
The scene will be worse I think in the morning if he does not concede. See what kind of a bargain he is willing to strike if he agrees to go "for the kids." Make sure he knows you understand this is not for you now but for your children - his children.
I guess it's after midnight there so it's too late to call for an emergency MC'ing session or IC session for yourself. Perhaps you can put in a call first thing tomorrow morning.
Do you have flight plans or were you going by train, or ?
What are the chances of trying to work something out early tomorrow and then try to get a later start?
Is there anyone you can call that can help you to reach him? I am at a loss to help you. I'm so sorry. But I will stay here with you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ((((((Lost Heart))))),

I just saw all of this. I am here if you are still on. How can he do this? Please talk...tell us you are ok..we are here for you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think fnf is probably right,his sisters influence'
Do you think he might calm down in the next little while and see reason? breathe lh


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you postpone for one day even with a penalty? Long enough to talk to him further? I agree with the comments about his sister...I wonder if his conversation with her was more than what he said.

No matter what, do not beg. As FNF said, ask him to stop and reconsider for the kids and ONLY for the kids so that they don't have a bad parting with their dad. Oh god, I feel for you.

ETA: when he was on his PC earlier and "playing games" do you know that is what he was doing? Could he have been in contact with SIL?

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:19 PM, August 11th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he's a selfish conceited thoughtless asshole!!!! I am so mad for you!!! He has no right to go out i some blaze of glory when vacation is a day away and your mom is so sick. HE is sick! I don't think you should be. Those poor babies though. How could he be so cruel in front of them. Damn him!!!!!!!!

You need to take care of you and the kids. He has no idea what an enormous, foolish and life altering mistake he is making. After some of the mean things he has said, I wonder if this is not a mean attack to get a big dramatic reaction. Either way, nothing can take the sting out of those words.

((((LH))))I am so sorry. I think I live far, far away but would be happy to talk to you on the phone if you need some support. PM me and I will give you my phone number if needed. Please let us know you are okay regardless and what your plans are.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LostHeart)))))? You there hon? Please check in and just let us know you are okay.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lost Heart))) I am pm'ing you my cell number. I will keep it by my bed. Call anytime night or day....Please know we are all there for you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, I just got home and I'm a little bleary, but I'm here if there is anything I can do.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I will check in first thing in the morning. I am leaving around 9 a.m. my time but I can try to reach you around 8 (that would be 1 p.m. your time) if you are free to talk. Just send me a PM and let me know what you need.
(((((LH)))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,

The tribal sisters are here for you. I am mystified by the 180 degree turnaround- in like a day or two span- by your H. First he tells SIL that he's willing to do the hardwork, and the next he's abandoning you?

I would take the kids and GO on the vacation. You CAN do this- you can rally up the strength. But I think you also have every right to put up YOUR boundaries now. Hey, I've been inappropriate around the kids a time or two and threatened my H with divorce in front of them. I was hurting, angry and felt out of control with H. That's no excuse- but I'm wondering if your H is feeling like that. He needs some serious IC - he's putting you through the wringer unnecessarily while he attempts to get his shit together. And in front of the kids.....

Seriously, it is at this point that you have to decide where to go from here and on what terms. Maybe being away from H will give you that time to think it over without him right there. And maybe if he sees you going without him, he'll have a last minute change of heart. But for your kid's sake, he needs to apologize and let them know that he didn't mean what he said- that he was angry and inappropriate. You bet I did that with my children i.e. "mommy should not have said those things.. sometimes mommy says things that I do not mean when I am angry and I am sorry I said that in front of you and made you feel like you have something to worry about" AND then after that incident I made a concerted effort to show my kids that mommy and daddy were OK. Kids are fragile emotionally- it takes a lot to build them back up after a few cross words spoken.

I am here for you, too, LH. We all are to the extent that cyber space allows. I know you already have a few numbers from the girls here- USE them if you need it. Truly.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lost Heart))))

I'm just popping in to give you some hugs and support. I know with the time difference you are probably not here right now. I'm so damn sorry he has done this to you and the children. The way he handled it is wrong.

I wish I had magic words to say to help. I know there isn't much anyone can say but you know that we're all sending you our strength and have our arms around you.

((((hugs)))))

kd


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too... with as much morale support as I send. Wishing you all the strength for what you decide to do.

{{{LostHeart}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, I can't keep my eyes open, so I am heading to bed. I will check in the a.m.

If it were me, I think I would go ahead and go on the trip. A few days apart might help.

I'm sorry he had this meltdown. It would be helpful to know what sparked it, but if he is not going to be forthcoming there isn't much you can do about it.

Any chance there is something else that he is hiding that SIL might be threatening to spill? I'm not sure why that comes up for me, except that in hindsight I can see that my husband was always the most vociferous and nutty in reaction when I was close to finding out yet another awful truth.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quick note.
we leave in an hour.
so hectic. ds and i did all the prep last night, planned to leave in the am.he ws so helpful adn only 12.

sent him to bed early hours of the am. had a long chat with h. it was a metldown. he cried and cried. said he feels so bad about everything. the kdis faces etc. i was in a numb anxious mode so was able to sgtay calm.

anyway he is coming. am packing his clothes now as he is busy working had some ork due a long time and they not accepting it later.

thank you so much all of you. again and again.
will post later


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I am glad to hear that your H has decided to go on the vacation but mostly that he had the meltdown and cried for having hurt everyone. I hope this vacation helps him to break out of his cycle of depression and gives him an opportunity to see how fortunate he is to have you and your children. They sound like such sweet children and your 12 year old being such a good young man helping you last night was so touching.
I wish you and your family a healing vacation and hope when you get back that your H's backslide is behind all of you.
Many, many hugs.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart= I am glad he is going too. Maybe it won't be the best "vacation" but perhaps this is the inflection point in your healing with him. He is admitting the deep dark secret of who he is and what he feels...that is so important. Please try to keep us posted. We are all thinking of you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, I'm glad he changed his mind.

You know this is all about his fear of failing, right? Everything he said to the kids he believes about himself that he's a complete and total F'up and here I am going to cancel out this vacation just to prove it to you all. And then the regret hits him. Like a damn ping pong ball.

You have to take care of you and your kids. Stand strong. Tell him you're there, you love him, but you can't help him if he won't listen and think. He has to make better decisions -- telling the kids that and making them cry was a "no think" situation for sure.

My H said he was leaving, has cancelled tons of vacations, Christmases, family plans when he feels he's being ignored or dismissed. It gives him a feeling of control.

He's never left, never cancelled a vacation or Christmas. I think he's feeling very small right now, but don't get sucked in. You go have a wonderful time.

Oh, and my H... he's just an idiot.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad he chose to go. Our kids want so badly to love us that an apology from him to them will probably make it (nearly) all better.

Life is so hard when the role models that exist in your memory are such bad ones. But he can make a difference in the models your children will carry by admitting his mistakes and continuing to work to change them.

Lost, go and have fun. Rest. Renew.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, LH, I am glad he changed his mind. It seemed like such an overwhelming task for you that I don't think you would have had much fun. I hope you are all able to have fun now, with him there. Are things very, very tense or just more somber? Please try to relax and enjoy the kids! Sounds like your 12 year old is really showing his true (and quite lovely ) colors lately.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
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