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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally thought okay, it's okay to just feel like this sucks. Because it does

How true, SoLost.
How are you feeling today? And what have you done good for yourself lately?

***
Hi Brooke
I didnt think of it that way, I guess. I am still pondering why he needs to make our lives look so bad to his family. He does the same "poor me, what can I do sigh" with his mum as well. I wonder if he even realises it. Which is just so pathetic. You would think after everything that he has done, that he would be saying something along the lines of "YEs, its tough some times, but its worth it. LH and the kids are worth my every effort. And I am so grateful to even have this chance."

Ah well.

So Brooke, what are your thoughts? I was wondering where you had disappeared to.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, I think it might be the same thing my H suffers from.. the "Everyone and everyone is against me... I can't catch a break... feel sorry for me." crap.

H would tell people how tough we had it with 2 kids in college at the same time when one of them was on full scholarship and the other paid for whatever her scholarship didn't cover. One year we had to help her out. Something about looking like the "long suffering husband" appeals to him. Justification when the A comes out?

My H says he actually "thinks" these things, but saying them would make him feel bad.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told her that our relationship was unstable, that one minute we were close and the next we were poles apart; that the M was so hectic and you never know where you stood as we were up and down all the time. When she asked why he stayed, he said that he wanted to put things right, and that it was hard work, and it had to be done. She said (naturally)that she would not go through all this, and would end it.

LH - I've read and re-read this post trying to come up with a response that will help you to see this a bit differently. First, I do understand why you would have been so upset not just because he painted a picture that was unfairly balanced on the negative, but that he painted that picture to the person who has caused conflict between the two of you and is someone not to be trusted with such a negative bent. Just reading her response, she would end it, proves that she cannot be trusted with his need to express his fears.
Because you see, that's what I think he was doing, expressing HIS FEARS. Not downing the M, but admitting outloud what he feels in his downward spirals.
Please don't get upset with me as I try to explain myself. You know I would never want to upset you. I don't know if this is true for everyone but it is certainly true for me. When I am going through a downward spiral, my thoughts are full of negativity and everything good that has been happening gets buried under all the negative thoughts and feelings. I am so happy that I can go to my sister and spew out all of that negativity and cry and have a sympathetic ear. The difference is that my sister is a wise and sensitive person who will listen and not judge, not turn on my H or my M, not advise me to leave, not add to my negativity. That's where I can truly understand why you wouldn't want your H to choose his sister when he feels the need to express how badly he is feeling. But I wonder if he had said these things to someone "safe" if you would have been able to be more accepting of this need. Because I know for me that I HAVE to express this when these negative feelings build up. It's like a cauldron of boiling emotions that finally erupt and I just can't stop it.
Your H seems to be going through a lot emotionally lately. You said you believe he is depressed. He is going to IC'ing regularly. He admits he is afraid of failing you, of letting you down. He, like all of our H's, is living with the guilt and shame of their actions and the fear that there is no guarantee that one day we just may decide that we can't live with this anymore. Believe me, LH, I am not taking sides and I hope I am expressing myself in a way that is helpful to YOU.
It's just that I had a similar weekend where I felt so many negative emotions and was so overwhelmed that I could not think of one thing that made me think that staying made any sense for me. Worst of all, there was no one I could express this to since my kids were home for the weekend and I hate to put them in the middle so my thoughts just kept turning over and over in my mind until I was wishing that my H would die
so that I didn't have to deal with this pain anymore. Isn't that awful?
This is so embarrassing to ramble on like this but I am trying to get somewhere and it is taking a very long time to do this.
You see, I think both the BS and the WS go through these downward spirals and we all need that someone safe to turn to but unfortunately it sounds like your H doesn't have someone safe other than his IC. When we get in this place I think it is critical that we have someone we can sound off to, to rid ourselves of these negative thoughts. When I am able to do that, I can then move forward and begin to look at my M more positively. KWIM??
Your H turns to your mother, not good, his sister, not good. You said he sometimes talks to his mother. Is that a good or bad thing? I agree though with him that he does need someone other than his IC that he can go to. That's not to say that he shouldn't come to you during these times but just like we need a friend, a sister or our mother's to turn to in times like this, our H's need to have someone safe also. It's just that they come from such dysfunctional families and in my H's case, his friends are screwed up too , it must be difficult for them to find that outside person who can help them through these times.
(((((LH)))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, what FnF said... maybe he does need to hear from someone that he's doing a good job. I know I'm never one to be big on the praise.

I'm in a negative spot right now so I'm not posting except in negative threads.

And my H is now facing the fact that he might have given me the proverbial "straw" last night. So what does he do?

Justifies, rationalizes, makes excuses for his behavior and pushes me further and further toward thinking "this isn't worth the trouble." Think he calls and apologizes? No. Think he offers to make amends? No.

Think I'm going to be home tonight when he gets off work? No.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Weepy))) - what's going on? I don't know if something is in the air but we had a rough weekend too. I think part of what has been going on with me and maybe with others too, is all of this infidelity crap that has been on the news. It has been making me crazy. It seems that every week, sometimes twice a week, there is another news story about some other bastard who is cheating. I love Morgan Freeman. I think he is a great actor. I was upset to see that he had been in a serious accident UNTIL I read that his OW was in the car with him. WTF?? Then all of that discussion about John Edwards. Absolutely nauseating. What a pig! His wife is suffering with breast CA and he is off satisfying his ego. I fucking hate all of this. It's like fidelity is some antiquated concept.
If your H is like mine, he definitely gets uncomfortable with the news coverage and doesn't say a word. Then, when I get quiet, VERY QUIET, he gets nervous and won't say anything unless I start the conversation. Then all of his fears come to the surface. These stories have to make them feel insecure and nervous. They have to know what is going on in our heads or their heads are up their arses. I think it puts all of us in a kind of distant mode.
Do you think this is what is going on in your M or is it something different?
Just my thought based on my weekend.
(((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf, my dear friend...you could not offend me.

I hear what you are saying. Of course we need someone to talk/vent to, esp when we are in a downward spiral. If he had a male friend whom we trusted and knew was a friend of the M, I would have pushed them both out the door, booked them a table somewhere, and left them to it.

The thing is my H has no male friends. He used to have a really good friend before, but that relationship went sour when H went out with friend's GF a few times after they had split up. H didnt realise that she was using him to make his friend jealous until later (he still doesnt believe that completely ). Anyhow they renewed their friendship, and aftr we got involved, we all hung out together. His friend (and his W) did try to warn me in a nice way that H wasnt all that I thought he was, but I of course didnt listen. They kept contact over the years, but havent spoken since after dday, when H admitted to him what he had done when we found out that his friend had become a new BS. H thought he could help, but he was shut down.

Apart from that friend, he has always turned to women for friendship and nurturing. His friend's wives, OW, women at work, my mother, and in recent years, his sister. None of these women were friends of the M, except the one who went on to become aforementioned friend's WW.

Re his mother...no he doesnt not chat to her, just gives her vague lines of a negative nature. She of course trumps him, cos her life is always worse than his!

I have tried to encourage him to make male friends over the years. To such an extent that I even called a friend and asked her to get her H to invite my H to jog together.

The thing is, like you said, if SIL was a friend of the M, I would have of course welcomed this with open arms, for being my SIL, she is not potential OW.

But she being who she is, is one of the last persons she should have turned to. And I think he knew that. i think he wanted someone to tell him that it is so hard and that he should quit and LH is a bad wife and he should cut his losses and try again with someone else...cos thats exactly what she does!

He wants to have a pity party...and that just doesnt sit well with me. If his life is so hard, and if he is suffering so much,and he considers this R only to be some sort of penance...then I am sorry, I am not interested. Screw him and his punishment. I am not going to be cast in the lead of executioner for the rest of my life.

***

so my thoughts just kept turning over and over in my mind until I was wishing that my H would die
so that I didn't have to deal with this pain anymore. Isn't that awful?

Yes it is awful. But it is what it is. Its awful that we are in a position where we have these thoughts, isnt it? I am sure many of us had similar thoughts...I know I did.

So did he do something that triggered this spiral, Fnf, or was it initiated by all the media events?

(((((FNF)))))

***

((((((Weepy))))))
What straw? What happened?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So did he do something that triggered this spiral, Fnf, or was it initiated by all the media events?

It's all the media events. I am triggering badly because when I was watching John Edwards with that clean cut, almost angelic face stare into the camera and swear that the A accusations were false it brought back all those times he has looked at me with such a wounded expression swearing that I knew everything there is to know and all the while I want/need to believe him but fearing that he is such a consummate liar I don't know if I'm a fool to believe. It's an awful place to be and when I was watching this it brought back my fears of being made a fool of all over again.
LH - as to your situation, I totally agree that your SIL is the worst person your H could have turned to and I thought it was possible that he doesn't have a safe person to go to that would be a friend to the M.
Such a pity really. My H too has no close male friend that he can go to. His partner of 15 years doesn't even speak to him since the A. He was so sickened and disillusioned that as close as they seemed to be over the years, he quickly exited the office and our lives when he got confirmation of everything he believed about my H and the OW.
How are things between the two of you now that the weekend is over? You sound so strong and I am so happy to hear that in your posts.
As to the pity parties, I can certainly relate to that. I was a mess this weekend and my H caught me crying several times and last night he went on and on about how bad it made HIM feel. All this talk about what he was going through instead of saying, I'm so sorry, what can I do for you. When I did try to tell him, he got defensive and then angry and told me I was keeping him up late and he had to go to work in the morning. Truth is, it was late but that's when I was ready to talk.
I hate the infidelity news because they just keep it up, going over and over it on the news, in the paper, in magazines. It's in your face wherever you turn. Absolutely nauseating.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Fnf)))))

You are braver than me, Fnf, cos I stay away from all things infidelity related. I got the sickening feeling when the Morgan Freeman story just broke, and have stayed away since (for me, he IS Alex Cross, one of my fav characters).

Its a pity that your H didnt just hold you, listen to you and say, "I am sorry you are hurting." Its so simple yet so effective.

As for me...
Guess the anger has kicked in. H doesnt want to do anything re the holiday. We had set aside today to do all the prep, and he has been playing games on the PC the whole morning, and now he is on, doing work.

So its all up to me. I am so tempted to tell him to fuck off and stay home. It would be more challenging doing this by myself with the kids, but I know they will be very upset. They can sense the tension, so are a bit stroppy.And they heard us arguing this morning too.

Its times like this that I wonder WTF am I doing?

I was packing the kids clothes and realised that DD2 has outgrown so many of her clothes...when??? I have been so busy the last few months, I havent even noticed. EVen DD1's castoffs dont fit her.So off to the shops for some panic buying.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - You will have a wonderful time in Scotland. What a great place to go on holiday. It sounds like your H does the same thing as mine - sits back while I run myself ragged trying to get it all organized. It's a guy thing.
Then, when we get there and he starts looking for his favorite shirt or belt or whatever he tells me "you forgot my ---" That's when you see my Irish temper start to boil.
I know it's frustrating, but I think the timing for this vacation might be the best thing for you right now.
Have a wonderful time and take a break from all of this. Wish I were going too. I loved Scotland.
(((LH)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like your H does the same thing as mine - sits back while I run myself ragged trying to get it all organized. It's a guy thing

Fnf, I used to think that before, and just got on with it. Then when he start making his changes in the last year, he started getting involved in our lives and that inclu vacations. The last few holidays he has been involved from start to end, and I realised that he was very very capable but just couldnt be arsed before.

So thats why I am fuming, running around whilst he plays games on the PC. Which by the way was one of the things I had asked for him to stop after dday2, and he had. HE can only go on now if he is playing with DS. But today, he has broken that boundary. what are the consequences? We had not stipulated it. He had just agreed to stop cos he could see how obsessed he had become too.

So now I know he is waiting for me to say something...but what could I? He will just carry on, I will get more upset, and this would lead us down the path of, "The holiday is cancelled!" or "You are not coming!" or worse.

Any suggestions.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No suggestions, LH. I'm sorry but this one is tricky. Problem is you don't want to set a negative mood for this vacation so I'd just let him alone, mention that he might want to get his things together and finish up with whatever you need to do for yourself and your kids. I wish I had something better to offer but if I do, I'll be happy to come and post it.
Please try to have a wonderful time.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fuck fuck fuck

my dad just called. my mum is on holiday in hong kong with my sisters. they emailed to say that mum had taken ill, admitted to hospital and it looks like the cancer is back. her white cell count is v low and she feels poorly. he called me to ask if i knew more. i didnt even know.they idnt even bother to call. we dont have any contact numbers cos they are in bali at the moment.
and i know they have put me in the same bad camp as dad.

if anything happens to her, they are going to blame me. i know that sounds so self centred but thats the truth.
i will never ever forgive her if she dies like this.
and the last memory will be the fight we had.

fuck


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, LH, I am so sorry. You have to e-mail them back and try to get more information. I can't imagine that she is near death, and I would hope that she would want to come home to get her care through her own doctors and hospital. Isn't it possible to contact your sisters, via e-mail, cell phone or the hospital? Did they give your dad the name of the hospital? Your dad has the e-mail address that they used to contact him. Just respond to that. I cannot believe they would be so cruel as to keep this from you. That would be very cruel indeed.
(((LS))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the energy we get from anger, helps move us to the next step, KWIM? Of course, you don't take it to the extreme like some people.
LH, if you only knew! I get angry (maybe not angry enough to move to the next step or just afraid to take that step... I don't know). Having just got some 'truth' from FWH I'm in the one step fwd, 2 steps back mode of returning to the Dday shock when we're a year and a half out. I just don't share it all (often due to something similar already posted) or I'd never get out of here.

I'm sorry to read that there was a lot of bad wkends for the tribe. It amazes me that our Hs are so alike... a professional 'profiler' would have a hay day.

{{{LH}}}} for the weekend and the crappy news you just got.

Weepy, what happened last night/yesterday?

Brooke, thanks for checking in. It's good to know those not posting are still keeping us in their thoughts/prayers.
Post when you have time.

Being home along give me lots of time to read SI and post but I also tend to obsess at these times which can't be good for me or our reconciliation attempts. Tomorrow night he'll be home. I'm not sure what to expect. Our phone calls have been pleasant but I feel distant. We have only prolonged the agony of dealing with his revealing letter to me. I don't know if I want to know more if there is anything else. Or if more knowledge would make things worse. It's all so confusing. What shall I do for myself today? Eat, for one thing. Manicure maybe. Turn off the PC and stay away from the A self-help books. Go back to bed and sleep the day away? We'll see. But whatever I decide, you will all be in my thoughts and prayers.



Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe, I need you all more than ever.

Teh shit had hit the fan and flown everywhere.

H is not coming to the holiday. The kids have been crying. DDs cried themselves to sleep, DS has been trying to change his mind.

We both said things we shoudnt have but that selfish selfish selpfpitying fuck told the kids staright to their faces that he is not happy, has been pretending all this time, cannot dothis anymore, doesnt wnat to bewith us, cant not live with mum, that he is a bad bad perosn and has relaised that he cnannot change for anyeone even them (ojh and mum will always remind yourll how bad i am)
and that is that

They begged and pleaded with him. rpomised to enver fight again, told him he can smoke again or play pc games as long as he wants. told him that they would be supergood kids.he said no,this is over. he can promise them that he wont get married, but cant promise that he wont have a gf.that he loves them but is bad for them

that fuckefuck face.
i hate him i hate him

i went to hold him thinking that i could do something. he said that i must never touch him again and if i do i will regret it. DD started crying again, thining he was going to hit me.

why oh why did i let him back in.

we are going alone.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and if you read this Mr LH,

FUCK YOU.
You had everything and you thrw it away again. thre is a special place in hell for you, but I hope thart i get to see you get some punishment in this life.

I hate you. i hate what you have done to this family.

rot in hell.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh LH,
Are you OK? Do you have anyone nearby to help you? Maybe get UKgirl on the telephone ? What is wrong with this man. Can you tell us what brought this all on? Please hold on.
((((lost))))

[This message edited by mindisgone at 6:53 PM, August 11th (Monday)]


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said that he will be packing his things and will be gone by them time we get back.

i am trying to amend bookings cos all was done in his name. its too much. too far to go all alone like this. maybe i h=shoudl cancel.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, LH, what can I do to help you right now? I am devastated for you. I can't help but think this is his sister's influence - particularly her comment about not going through this - she would end it. And with your Mom in the hospital far away - what is he thinking? And ruining your family vacation. It's just horrible, selfish and shocking especially considering the progress you both seemed to be making.
I'm here if you want to keep posting - I'll be here all night if you need me.
((((LH))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thansk so much fnf.
should i beg him? for the kids sakes?
I would do it for them.i would suck it up for them.

should i cancle the trip?
what shoudl i do?
i dont knwo.
wtf is happening???

eta
we leave in 7 hours time and i am so tired. and the kdis are so upset.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 7:01 PM, August 11th (Monday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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