That selfish thing. I have a hrd time with it. Even H tels m do thing for myself and go out with my friends ad such. I just a caretaker by nature...probably why be a nurse. The kicker is, He is a nurse as well and he doesn't do a damn thing to take care of me.
Oh. And the opera-singing bf is in hospital having fallen over in the kitchen and done enough damage to warrant an ambulance
How did he fall? Is he okay? Like you need that right now!
UKGirl - I can honestly say that if my H was holding back, half-truths, lying by omission, I wouldn't be able to take it. Can you talk to him and tell him that? Will he listen if you tell him how you feel?
"ding-dong, the witch is almost gone"...lalalalala
MIL decided on her own to get a hotel for Sat & Sun nights (since we will have other company here those night, too).... SOOOO, only one more day/night of her in my home.
I've been nice but guarded. It's hard to keep this up
Check in with you all later..
SG - Nice to "see" you too.
The shore thing is off. I mean H really doesn't want to go anyway, now doesn't want to spend the money (and said it was because the money he thought we had, we don't because I f'd up the tax return from 3 years ago)... the one I did 6 mo after Dday. I've done our taxes for 30 years, my mother's for 20, my own, my kids and never made a mistake. I did this time and we owe money.
Plus, honestly, he probably was talking off the top of his head, not thinking I'd jump on the subject and push him for an answer. I never did that, would just sit back and wait and see if he made any moves toward the vacation or even mentioned it again. Then I'd slink off all disappointed and resentful..thinking another promise broken. I made it clear to him when we talked that I did not want to stay in the condo, without bringing up why. Told him I understood why he didn't want to stay in his friend's house and if he was uncomfortable with that, fine. When we couldn't reach a compromise, I said, OK, let's just forget the shore for now.
So the vacation fiasco, a fight with DD about the way she's handling her student loan payments (she hasn't made one), the decision to drop MC, the fact tht he said something straight out of his mother's mouth just led me to not be able to sleep last night.
So I woke about midnight and came downstairs, wrote me a poem and asked myself how I could get back to sleep. The answer was... go wake H and tell him you needed him to hold you for a while...not to worry about it being the middle of the night. I went upstairs and cuddled up next to him. In his sleep, he pushed me away. I turned over and started to cry. It was the last bit I could stand for the day.
He rolled over and hugged me and asked what was wrong... like I could go into the whole mess at midnight and I told him what I needed and he did it.
Still doesn't solve the unresolved problems though. But MC isn't going to do it either. Maybe I won't kick her to the curb tonight, we'll see how it goes.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Hold on, just a few more hours. You're doing great.
He is a nurse as well and he doesn't do a damn thing to take care of me.
How did he fall? Is he okay?
Can you talk to him and tell him that? Will he listen if you tell him how you feel?
"ding-dong, the witch is almost gone"...lalalalala
Weepy, I think it’s for the best, the shore thing being off for now. There wasn’t really any way to compromise if it was an either/or. But you still made your point and didn’t bow to his choice. So good on you there.
As for your DD and her student loan, it’s her debt and her problem. All you can say is that it will affect her credit rating and in turn, perhaps a job offer or a career move if it’s taken into account on personality scoring. Make sure that she is not connected to your credit rating.
Your H was asleep when you snuggled up to him, maybe he was dreaming and that’s why he pushed you away, but when he was roused enough, he gave you what you needed, so that’s good.
FWH asked how to zoom in on a presentation doc. So I showed him. Why?
It’s Friday. It’s getting near to DDay anti-versary. I am sad and angry that I have wasted so much time on and with him. I really don’t know if I want him to stay. I really don’t think he has loved me b/c I think he lives inside his head Byron-esque style with romantic images and notions and a love that can never be real. I think he is a fictional character. And you close the book once you get to the end.
Surely your husband does not identify himself with Byron, does he? That would scare the living crap out of me.
I knew he was a highly strung, edgy person when I met him. I knew he had an ability to put on an act to suit the occasion. I knew very few people saw glimpses of the inner man. He wears this façade and doesn’t realise just how thick it is. I expect it’s all part and parcel of lack of self worth and waiting to be “found out” as some sort of fraud. Which he is, but not in the way he meant. He said the affair was “just a game”. It’s not only the affair that was just a game, it is life and everyone in it.
So very different to me.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:04 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
All his talk of the affair being "a game" really rags the shit out of me, as I know it does you. Perhaps he would feel differently if he could have a taste of what it would be like to have you as the gameplayer, and him as the hamstrung observer.
ETA, I rebumped that thread in R.
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 10:17 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
Have a good one everybody.
ps where's LostH? Not down the IRL beach again. C'mon, share a smoothie with us and enjoy the harvest moon - di'ja see it last night? It was MASSIVE.
C'mon, share a smoothie with us and enjoy the harvest moon - di'ja see it last night? It was MASSIVE.
OK, maybe that explains the tearfest last night... doesn't the moon affect water?
Here’s an odd one from FWH I’d like to share. He has started this new job which took him away for a few days. He said he thought it would be a good idea if I didn’t drink while he was away. I have put away more alcohol in the last two years than in the previous ten. But, actually, I don’t drink more than a beer or one glass of wine. Anyway, I asked if he rather I drank as my solace or had an affair. He said an affair. Why? “Because an affair won’t kill you, drinking will.” I thought (but didn’t say), “your affair nearly damn well killed me and it was your affair drove me to drink.” How can one person do so much harm?
Relax for the weekend weepy. Not going to the shore was a good call.
You almost through it, HB. Just get through the weekend, and the party, and then she will be gone. In the meantime,fill the time enjoying the kids and the friends and the other loved ones who are around.
I am going to give you a gentle 2X4.
Please put H to one side.Let him sort out his darn PC. He could if he really wanted to.
Now just focus on you. You have dday and your bday coming up. You are already hanging on a thin line. We, the Tribe, will be here for you, you know that.
BUT you have to be there for YOU too.
Just for now: put aside your BF's DD's operasinging clumsy bf; your H; rest of the world, and just zoom in on you, Ukg.
I can imagine how hard it was hearing your dad say the stuff about H.Your tongue must have bled abit after that.
I have lost some credibility with the kids and they are so upset.
I promised them we would take them to Disneyland Paris. With me working FT, we could afford it now. And it was one of the carrots I dangled when we left Australia. So we booked everything, and we find out we cant get visas till after the holidays. We explored every option, but no can do. Had to tell the kids last night, and they are gutted.
After we booked everything, they each asked, "Do you promise we are going? For real?" They told all their friends.
Stupid stupid me. Should have sorted the visas out immed. I am so cross with myself.
Did you see onestepatatime's post in reconciliation that Fallen bumped?
Gulp. Just did.
Well, we had our last MC appointment last night. And it actually was a good one. H even admitted that his anger -- that he directs at me --is because of his own guilt. She told him it was vital to get that under control and to talk to his IC about it.
He said he felt soooo bad about missing our anniversary that he couldn't even look at the card I bought for him because it would only make him feel worse, so he chose to ignore it instead of facing it.
I told her I didn't know how to react to that, but knowing it was helpful. Hearing him admit it was astonishing! He also admitted he hadn't done anything particularly loving for me in a long, long time and (after using excuses of being tired, overworked, the heat) said he'd try and improve on that.
He still doesn't want to go to Retrouvaille because he doesn't want to "parade oru dirty laundry in public". He's always had that issue, even in MC, that it's nobody else's business but ours. I and the MC explained to him that no one knows what your issue is while you're there, those things are worked on in private, that it's instructional in nature. His take is that if he's there, everyone knows it's because we have a problem.
That's when I brought up the subject of the "personae" he projects that everything is "wonderful". That we could be in the midst of an emotional breakdown and if the phone rings, he's Mr. Congeniality to the person on the other end. He said it's my misconception that he's nicer to other people or outgoing. The MC told him she saw it in session alot, especially when he'd come in and say things were fine betwee us, when they obviously weren't. That's childhood conditioning. Nothing is EVER wrong with my H's mother, or how she handles things. Her family is perfect.
She asked if our kids knew what was going on. I told her I'd spoken to both of them at the very beginning and told them that we had serious issues and were going to do our best to work through them, but we would be there for them. She asked if he'd spoken to either of them about the problems we were facing and he said no. Didn't even know that I had. (No, he forgot.. I told him). I told him I'd talked from my vantage point... what I felt and what I intended to do. That I thought him talking to them would go a long way in healing their relationships, but it was up to him on what he wanted to do.
So, the last 6 months we've done no work except go in there, speak a problem, fight about it and not resolve it. Last night I heard more from him than I had in a long time... and I wonder if it's the position I have taken at home that's finally having an effect. My not rising to the bait every single time he digs at me. Not arguing his position on politics or child rearing or his judgement calls. Agreeing to disagree.
Hey, if he recognizes that he has a part in why we can't move forward, it's a step in the right direction.
The shore thing... well, his "personae" wouldn't let him accept the free house and his guilt about not being able to afford what I want instead drove the digging in of heels. I think if I go ahead an look for an alternative that we can afford and is an acceptable compromise for me, we may get there after all.
I'm going to be inundated with DS's friends in about 6 hours, so I gotta run and start cleaning up this pigsty. H is out working and I've had my one hour of peace and quiet to finish book #2. Now it's time for The Dance of Intimacy. Hopefully it will give me some suggestions on how to put sex back into our relationship. (Big sigh).
I wonder if it's the position I have taken at home that's finally having an effect. My not rising to the bait every single time he digs at me. Not arguing his position on politics or child rearing or his judgement calls. Agreeing to disagree.
In a word, yes. You are the difference, and it's affecting both of you in a good way. It's teaching you about your own power, and it's giving him the space to change.
You're doing great, Weepy. Keep it up.
Last night I heard more from him than I had in a long time... and I wonder if it's the position I have taken at home that's finally having an effect. My not rising to the bait every single time he digs at me. Not arguing his position on politics or child rearing or his judgement calls. Agreeing to disagree.
Well well well....
Good on you, Weepy. By taking the beam off him,you allowed him to come out of his defense position. Whatever. The only thing I care about, to be honest, is that you have been sounding and doing great. You have been looking on how to make Weepy happy and fulfilled. And that man of yours really loves you, thats what he would want too.
Thanks for the advice, Weepy. I just so hate letting them down. Am looking at other alternatives. Scotland is looking promising.
I was thinking about what Ukg said this week about realising what a facade the whole M had been. And it got me thinking to my M. Mine was too. And not only from H. I realise that by trying to be "perfect" and accomodating all the time, I wasnt being me either.
I also realised something else today. As much as I want to get to know the real H, I dont think he feels the same about me. The only part of me that he is interested in, is the sexual part. He said that he never thought before that I enjoyed sex, and he loves it that I do now.
Thats fine..but theres more to me than just sex and W and M. I know theres more. Theres so many things I want to tell him, share with him...but he is not interested. And its not cos I think I am not interesting (which is what I would have thought before); its because he is just simply not interested in me, or anyone for that matter.
Let me rephrase that. What he knows about me is sufficient...he doesnt have a need to dig deeper.
And that makes me sad. Cos I want more than this.
I so desperately wish there were more people on here on the weekends. I am having a horrible night. I actually just called the one friend IRL who knows (I have never done that about the A) to talk to her and get her opinion but she's not home. There is no one else to call.
H calls from work all sheepish and I said the kids couldn't talk right then to say goodnight and he says he wants to talk to me. Clearly something is up. Turns out he wants to go bowling on Tuesday with a bunch of people form work. He is a nurse so pretty much 90% would be female. I am clearly not invited. No mention of me going. Oh, and there are several women in the background, one of which says she would be happy to talk to me. WTF???
This 38 year old woman just got diagnosed with very invasive breast cancer (the one they are going bowling 'for' or with and the one who suggested talking to me). She gets a port put in on Friday and starts chemo and will very likely die. So I guess she wants everyone to go out one last time for a last big hooray before she starts feeling sick.
Here's the thing. Never even heard mention of this woman until she got diagnosed a week ago. So she is clearly not this wonderful friend that the party would not be the same if he didn't show up. He just thinks it would be fun and wants to go (my words).
I tell him that I do not want to speak with her and I think he sucks for putting me on the spot and I will talk to him later.
We all back so the kids can say goodnight and we talk again. he apologizes for putting me on the spot but thought it would help that they all verified what he would be doing. Says so and so would be going and she disagreed with the affair (Wow-give the big moral award to her for having any sense at all) and she could be his chaperone. Great, I feel better already.
I told him I thought he sucked for putting me on the spot although I appreciated him calling to ask. Said in light of his past, I think socializing with any women without me was inappropriate and hurtful to the marriage and he should know that. When he met OW they started going out as group at first, a group of work people. Huge trigger for me.
He gets all defensive and such. Asks if I want to go. Ummm, no thanks. Why not?? B/c now I am embarrassed that you made me feel like the bitch and the bad guy since they all stood there and listened to our conversation.
Told him to just go then. If he wanted to put this woman over our marriage that he has never spoken of before and thought it was okay that I would be home with the kids upset and worried then he should just go ahead and go.
He pulls the whole, she's going to die thing. I again said, well, seeing as I have never heard her name before, I imagine you are not best friends and the party will happen without you.
He ended up abruptly ending the conversation and now I have been in tears since. Home alone with the kids and no one to talk to .
I'd ask for opinions but I truly believe I am right. Would have been different if he asked me from the beginning to go with him. Do you think we could find someone to watch the ids so we can go, I eel like it would be really important to this girl. But no, just asks for himself to go and knows it's wrong and gets moral support to call because of that.
I am not being put first, my marriage is not being put first and he clearly does not get the limits.
I think he sucks for putting me on the spot
I think socializing with any women without me was inappropriate and hurtful to the marriage and he should know that
I'd ask for opinions but I truly believe I am right
I am not being put first, my marriage is not being put first and he clearly does not get the limits
First off SoL, WELL DONE.
You listened to your inner voice, you stood up for yourself, and you stuck to it.
That is not easy after years of putting everyone else first.
It may not seem like it now, but yay you!!!
Secondly, kudos to your H as well. kinda...lol.
He knew it was out of bounds, which is prob why he went through the whole rigmarole in the first place. Inside him, theres a voice that has learnt a lesson, and is trying to guide him now.
It may not look like it either, but he is changing too...slowly.
This was not about the patient. This was about him testing his boundaries, testing you. And you passed.
I know how bad you must be feeling. It sucks being the "bad one"; being seeing as the controllling bitchy parent spouse who wont let Johnnie out to play for such a worthy cause. WTF cares.
There will come a day, SoL, when your H wont even put you in this position. He will be able to make these choices by himself. And he wont even bat an eyelid at the sacrifice...cos it wont even feel like it.
So how about celebrating SoL being true to SoL???
(Me using my psychic powers ( ) can see him apologising to you before the weekend ends. Try and be gracious when he does.
You were right, absolutely. And it was an abysmal thing he did putting you in that spot. Cowardly, small and uncaring. Men are supposed to protect their wives, not subject them to pressure and potential ridicule.
If I were you, I would be furious. I'm sorry he was such a putz, but I am glad you held your ground and were true to you and what you know you deserve. And it definitely wasn't the way he treated you.