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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Weepy))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in on the tribe before starting a hectic day of packing the last of my sister's belongings. Tomorrow is Moving Day! And we are both tired but will have to 'just do it' today.

{{{Weepy}}} All I can think of is that it's time to look after YOU cuz he certainly isn't!

Of course I'm too tired to be wise for anyone, least of all myself so all I can do is send loving, supporting hugs to all... those posting (thanks for sharing)... those who have left us (hopefully cuz they don't need us) and those lurking (take a baby step and join us). {{{LTA}}}
Read you next week (PC being packed today)


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you guys do when you feel like you are drowning?

I am trying so hard to stay afloat.Darn used every trick I can think of.And its not working.
H told me to back off on him and to stop fighting with him, and he would be able to help.

I just dont know how he can.when he is the problem, KWIM?
I know things have been going well. I know he has been doing as well as talking. I can see that.
But something niggles me. ALOT.
I know its trigger city this month and I will be supersensitive.

And all the time, I am thinking, all I have is his word. I dont know what he is thinking.What he is planning. What he really wants. I can ask and he will answer the PC way, but really, he could be lying...like he did all these years. And I really wouldnt know any different.

And I know I am confusing him and my dad. But right now, I cant tell one baddie from the other. I dont know who uses what MO....I have them mixed up.

How do you guys get through this? Cos I really dont want to drown. Not now.

Thanks.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I haven't been around much, so I'm sure there's stuff going on that I'm not caught up on, so hopefully I won't sound like an idiot here.

LostHeart,

How do you guys get through this? Cos I really dont want to drown. Not now.

I think sometimes you just accept that you need to tread water for a while. In my experience, the drowning feeling often comes when you're just plain overloaded or have recently made big strides. You obviously can't tread water forever, but sometimes there's nothing wrong with just deciding to be where you are for a while and see how things feel. I think you have to keep striving in IC, but other than that, give yourself a break. I really believe that sometimes giving yourself permission to hold still brings clarity.

Weepy,

What do you mean when you say you think he's done? Because I might not know a lot, but one thing I know for sure, is that your H isn't ever going to be done until you say he is. He's way too comfortable and invested in playing the game, reeling you in and then pushing you out. I'm not sure what he gets from all of it, but it's clearly something so powerful and necessary to him that he's not giving it up willingly.

Love to all LTAers
Brooke


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes you just accept that you need to tread water for a while

You are probably right, Brooke. I hate being passive. I want/need action. Which is why I do "anger" better than "sorrow".

Ah well...

***
Anyway, how the heck are you, Brooke?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found that anytime I have a lot of anxiety, at least a portion of it always attaches itself to my marriage. As though the affair made the relationship a magnet for any distress in my life for any reason whatsoever. Then it is a short step to catastrophizing.

When I start to feel that panic welling up inside me, I force myself to try to find a valid cause. If I can't find one, I either try to meditate or pray or exercise or do something immediate to distract me.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, BT, you have great insight.

Thanks for all the well wishes and support. This is such a roller coaster ride. It can be overwhelming at times. And just when I was thinking how sad and anxious I was going to feel forever, I am feeling this odd but peaceful kind of stillness. This dumb birthday business made me realize that he is here, with me, right now. That's all I can hope of any husband I suppose. He is committed and trying right now and so I need to remember that. I have looked and looked and can find no evidence of straying at all.

((((Weepy)))) I imagine having to face reality is a devastating thing, especially after all this time. It does seem he is getting worse, treating you worse. I think he is depressed personally. All the clues fit. But you already said that he won't See it. You have don your part for him, now you need to do your part for you.

(((LH))))

[This message edited by So Lost at 3:06 PM, June 20th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he's gone. He walked out after having to listen to me "abuse" him at MC. How he's not supporting me, the things he's said to me. He's right, I should have told him to go suck eggs when he said them. I should have walked. Now I'm in the one-down situation again. He got to leave. He got to be dramatic.

I called our MC and my IC for advice.

But I really need to know what you guys say.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's back. Silent as the dead. IC says leave him alone. MC says leave him alone. Guess I'll leave him alone.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Weepy)))) I wish I knew hat to say. I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot stand to leave them alone. It makes me crazy to just haev to suffer i silence. So I imagine it is making you crazy as well. I know one thing, you deserve to be loved.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is our pattern. Argue horribly. I called him an abuser and a liar and a lot of other things. He said he never said some of the things I said he did. Even thought I had times, places, the rest of the conversations. I told him I was done. He said he was tired of being labeled the bad guy all the time. MC had to tell him to be quiet like 5 times so I could finish a sentence. I was frustrated and angry and I knew we weren't going to get anywhere. I was trying to break the pattern and wound up right back in it.

So I wrote an apology for losing my cool, for blindsiding him with my complaints when I hadn't said a word about each incident as it came up. He's right there. Again, a pattern I wanted to change.

So now he's working in the morning. Our DD's BF's party is late afternoon. I just know he won't get home to take her. He knows I don't drive the city, especially way up there. I want to ask him to put this away for her sake tomorrow, what's between us should not punish her, but his silences usually last more than 24 hours.

The book says I have to make the gesture to get the ball rolling again, even if I'm "right". THe last time he was this angry, he ripped up my first apology. We didn't talk for 5 days.

IC is going to call me tomorrow. She told me not to panic, don't be scared that he's not going anywhere. Like Brooke said, he's too enmeshed to break free. I don't think he'd leave me with me not working. I don't think he's that cruel. I could be wrong.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

But I really need to know what you guys say.

You asked:
I have a sneaky feeling that he has been building up to this for a while. I think he knew that he has been misbehaving terribly and has been waiting for you to blow up (Probably wondered what took you so long).

So now he had his excuse to "justify" his behaviour (even though it doesnt), and he pulled the "I am out" line.

And what did you do?
What you have done previously:
You apologised.You!
When he has been the asshat.
And now you have gone into panic mode. I know you have abandonment issues, Weepy ( ), and this has probably brought them all to the surface, and that little girl who's daddy left has taken over.

(((Weepy)))

This is where, IMHO, you change the dynamic, Weepy.
You are not that little girl anymore. You do not need an abusing hard insensitive selfish man to make you whole.You dont.

You are an accomplished, intelligent, compassionate, loving woman, who has proven over and over again, that she is totally self sufficient. I am not saying that you dont want a healthy man to love you and be loved, yet look at all that you have accomplished in spite of not having that man.

Weepy, dont do this dance with him.
You can stop it right now.
Can you get someone else to drive? Hey, wait a minute...was it you who not so long ago DID drive in the city? Do it Weepy! Show him, your DD and most of all, show yourself, once and for all, that you DO NOT need this jerk.

Follow your IC/MC's advice: stay away from him. Make him persona non grata. Everytime you feel like reaching out, distract yourself immediately; remember all the humiliation he has piled on you and DS for eg, anything to stop yourself.

Today, be all mum. Help your DD prep for tonight and you get all dressed up as well. If he chooses not to come, tough for him! DO NOT ask him to. Dont ask the kids to. You all get dressed, go out and have some fun. And be on time, wont you? Maybe future SIL will learn by example.

Whether or not he leaves physically, Weepy, is really immaterial. IMHO, he left a long time ago.

Take care today Weepy.
I know how hard it is. Remember when my H had to leave last year, because he failed to do what he promised he would? It was killing me not to pick up the phone and call him and ask him to come back and work it out. It tore me up when he called at midnight to tell me he has been driving around and has nowhere to go. But I had to stick to it. I had you guys behind me. IRL, I had mumto3 texting me, and a gf to keep me sane through those 3 nights.

You can do this, Weepy.Show him that he can no f**k with you anymore.

Sending you buckets and buckets of white light and strength.

((((((((Weepy)))))))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have done previously:
You apologised.You!

Nope, I didn't. I got up before him this morning, came down and ripped up the apology myself. Once he stomped off to bed I was weirdly calm. Took a sleeping pill just in case the darkness and silence got to me.

I brought him his tea. And he spoke to me, said thank you. All I said was "we need to talk, you know". He said yes, later when DD is at her BF's for the night. So he isn't going to take this out on her, my big concern.


I think he knew that he has been misbehaving terribly and has been waiting for you to blow up (Probably wondered what took you so long).

Almost word for word what he said in MC... he felt I should have said something at the moment he behaved badly. And he's right. From now on when he does it, regardless of who's around, I'm not going to protect him. I will call him an ass, tell him what he said, his tone whatever is unacceptable and walk away if I don't feel I can hold my tongue any more.

This is not just my "daddy" who left. HE left. He left me for years. I am just so pissed off that he's stopped trying. He either needs so much from me, that I can no longer give, or he needs so little and is happy with it. Either way, the complacency is infuriating.

Even if he will not fulfill his promises, I swear to you, if this marriage ends, the world will know why. If he leaves, I do not want a reconciliation.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know Iím going back to last Thursday, weepy.
Serious discussions always end badly around here with both of us wanting to have the last word. It doesn't matter how logical I present my stand, he'll take the opposite and I'll feel unheard and dismissed.

But this is the aspect that your H is constantly running away from. I suspect that when you say you want to sit down and talk about x,y or z, he just hears you saying that his is a failure in some way. Then you get the
the more we get emotional about their withdrawal and the more they withdraw

Then you feel isolated b/c he wonít become involved in a discussion. The bottom line is he doesnít want to talk. Which is why you have to play it a different way. What way? Iím not sure, but you know that confrontation simply doesnít work. How about giving him an opportunity to voice his opinion, to which he is entitled, and leave it at that?
I picked out a tile I liked, H says because it's porcelain, he can't work with it.

Budget for a tiler.

And as to the job, there is nothing wrong with sticking out for one that you will enjoy, has reasonable pay with reasonable hours. This has to be more important right now, otherwise your relationship will suffer more than it is already. Stress at work often means taking it out at home. He wants you to be irritable and short-tempered? Not scary. Itís what you need and deserve.

If he leaves, I do not want a reconciliation.

Have you told him that? I donít mean in a yelling moment, I mean in a quiet, considered moment. That for your mental and emotional health, it would not be on the cards.

Hmm. Meantime, I hope you have absorbed some of the strength and guidance from your sisters. You do have to think about you and stop allowing your messed up H to get to you. Get on with doing what you want. I agree with LostH, and I hope youíve taken that drive into the city. Go with a bumper sticker that says ďNo tailgating Ė menopausal woman on boardĒ. I assume thatís what pisses you about city driving. Iím not keen on it either, but I do it when I have to and then I find that Iím ok. Knackered at the end, but ok!

Whatever, weepy. This is your time. Your H can tag along with you on your terms, or he can find himself a new life.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost, have you put the ďno secrets, even nice onesĒ to him? You have to tell him, yíknow. For the next time.
*****
FNF. MY GOD!!! You certain had your work cut out when you chose your H. Can't you get some sort of refund for damaged goods?? Phew. Take my hat off to you.
*****
LostH. Use your H as your life guard / life preserver / buoyancy aid. Lean on him a little. Just let this month wash over you and go with the flow.
I am thinking, all I have is his word.

You could try what I do Ė Donít believe you anyway, so lie and you lie to yourself. Shrug. I donít know if thatís a good thing or not, but it kind of works for me. Btw, there's a Brit thread going in F&G for a meet in Aug.

*****
LostSuol. Fingers crossed for the move. See you in your new home!
*****
Iím still pretty low. H still hasnít done a timeline. I posted in Recon a few days ago and I donít think Iím being unreasonable. Iím not raising the subject of his affair and Iím waiting to see if I get a response to my letter or anything from him IC eleven days ago. At the moment, I just get angry and pissed off big style when I think about his affair and Iím sick of all the littlest triggers. Weíre getting near OWís bíday. Thatís one that fuckís me off b/c he bought her gift at the same time as he bought mine, then he could hide it under one credit card receipt. Heíd better not be planning to buy me anything this year. Lastís yearís present is in the drawer with the rest of the jewellery.
*****
Iím glad weíre on a coastal theme here. Do we have one of those lovely boarded beach houses with trellises and steps down to the beach? I need some new flip-flops and one of those nice wide brimmed hats. Just give me a book, a Pimms, a towel and some sun (which is sadly lacking here). >>>>>sigh<<<<<

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:05 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, just thought I'd pop my head in and say hello.

My life is going much better. I think all the change we've been through the last couple of months has really helped me. It's kind of like we took our lives and turned them upside down and gave it a good hard shake. There's not much that is still the same. And it's helped ALOT. I still have some brief LTA thoughts. And I still get kind of sad sometimes. But nothing like it was.

I'm also a SAH mom now!!!! Wow!!!! It feels great. I feel somewhat bad about how I quit my job. My co-worker who has been slacking for years, and who should be helping me but does not, caught my bad side, and heard just what I thought about her, just before I picked up my purse and walked out. Oops, I let my temper get the best of me. But my kids are thrilled that I'm at home now. And my H is o.k. with whatever I want to do. I heard from another employee that has worked there for years, that I am by far not the first to quit over this other lady, I was just the first to speak their mind.

I could not even begin to read and catch up with all of ya'll. Hope that life is going your way. If not, then please keep the faith that it will. That's one thing I never gave up on...faith...I knew that no matter how bad I was hurting, it would finally get better.

Hugs to All

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in from the real beach. I am at my mom's house for a few days with the kids. We are on the ocean, with cool breezes, lavender, etc. We spent the whole day at the beach. We are all pleasently sunburned and I am pleasently buzzed. I felt (sort of) sorry for H as we left him behind as he is not welcome here. I wanted to see my mom, I wanted her and the kids to get together; however, for obvious reason she isn't reeeeeallll excited to see him.

All the fallout from his affairs. All the things he never thought about. My mom has the most amazing place on the ocean. Literally miles and miles of beach, sand, etc. and he can't be here. Jeez, what a asshat...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh jeez weepy.

I don't even know what to say. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I just hope tonight went well for you. As others have said, you really need to start looking after yourself.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((UKgirl))))

I did talk to H about the no lies and all, even if they are 'good' lies as he called them and even if the intentions are good. He also brought it up to his C all on his own (like an actual big boy...go figure!). IC obviously agreed that lying for any reason cannot happen in our relationship b/c of his previous actions. So I think we are okay. Who knows when the next pile of shit might hit the fan.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning folks. H is off on the canoe with his brother who the minute he walked in the door got blindsided by H. Last night his brother said he would ride his bike to our house and he didn't. My H jumped all over his case for that. My BIL just blew it off telling H that it doesn't take much to throw him off, does it. BIL had a reasonable explanation, that he heard it was going to rain and didn't want to ride the bide, but H got offended just the same... he told his brother that "like I wouldn't give you a ride home if it was raining." My sweet BIL was completely confused. THe only thing I could think of was "it's not me". I'm not irritating the hell out of him, he's irritating the hell out of himself. Why? Don't care.

The party last night was nice. We stayed a couple hours, got a great parking space, food and people were nice. He was polite and even put his arm around me and stuff. But by the time we got home, I knew I was getting sick. Nose was running, and I had a headache. Went to bed at 9:30. I woke up twice last night because my throat was sore.

I told H last night that his sister invited me to the shore while the family was down and he said go. I think it might be the best thing I do... told DD to make arrangements to get herself to work. I'll be gone 4 days. I can't wait.

DS comes home today. I can't wait.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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