So, when I get a trigger, and I do get them, what I try to do is take the time to sit down and take a few minutes to feel the emotion. Sometimes that results in tears or anger or just deep sadness. Whatever that emotion is, I focus on it exclusively for ten or 15 minutes, and then force myself on to something else. Generally, it's something that requires my full attention. IOW I divert myself from that feeling. Sometimes it is difficult to divert myself, but sometimes it is not at all. I have honored my feeling, felt it and then let it move through me, as my IC says. And I am ready to move on.
BT, do you do this alone, what if you're with people, like fnf said, or worse, with my H?
I mean, I pretty much do that, sometimes it takes more than 15-30 minutes to wash over me. Compounded by the overwhelming desire to share it with someone, like that will take some of the sting out.
I tried one of a friends' suggestion when H called me this afternoon. Since I was doing something he would "not have approved of", I said I was doing nothing. When he heard the announcement and the cash register in teh background he was laughing and said, "where are you?" I said "no where, you hear the TV, yeah, that's the ticket, it's the tv". By the time we got to where I really was and what I was doing, the whole tension thing of "I need to control where you are and what you do" think had passed.
It may have to do with us all having off tomorrow.
Which reminds me... Happy 4th to everyone. I know holidays are especially tough, but hoist one and toast each one of us, we'll all be there in spirit.
Hey, I always wanted to ask... what do you Brits do on our Independence Day? Pretend we don't exist????
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I've excused myself from a lot of parties, football games, gatherings of all sorts to give myself time to process something.
But I am pretty rigid about how much time I will allow a trigger to steal from my life. Ten or 15 minutes tops for a really bad one, and then I make myself move on. I generaally don't feel "done" with the feelings at that time, but I divert myself anyway. I really force myself to get into something else.
I was a serious wallower for much of my life. I would go over and over and over hurts ad infinutum. I don't do that anymore. Now it seems like a waste of time.
I will spend lots of time thinking about on-going problems and ways to attack those and make things better. But I limit the time I spend dwelling on the past.
As far as telling someone else to take the sting out of it, I guess I'm just generally a more private person than that. SI is the only place ever where I have shared private information like this (other than IC). Originally I didn't tell people things because I didn't want anyone to know how fucked up I was. Now I don't tell people because it usually is enough for me to know it.
On the note of triggers you ask:
So, BT, what would you recommend because I can't turn off all the "noise" and I need to find a way to deal with my triggers. Any suggestions would be so very much appreciated
Now I'm not as far along from dday as BT is (and I am far from the eloquent and insightful speaker that she is)... but I amjust a few months farther than you. I agree with BT on this point:
I generaally don't feel "done" with the feelings at that time, but I divert myself anyway.
Another thing that I did to help me through the specific triggers that were A related- at one point in our first year after dday my H wrote a letter of apology to me (he was timid about doing this, but our MC helped him along). There is also a few cards that are particularly meaningful from him. When I get all triggery, I pull myself away from everything and read that letter or those cards. To remind myself that I am loved now, that the past is the past. I actually do something similar sometimes with the grief about my baby son- I pull out his memory book, allow myself to feel the feelings and look through that part of my life, and then pray. If you are spiritual, praying or meditating or just using relaxation techniques can also help you through a trigger.
If your H is in tune and you can count on him, you can also use him to help you through. If you need extra affection, etc. have a key word he knows to tell him you are triggering, say the word and let him comfort you (if you are far enough along in your process that this could help).
Well, I just wanted to share in case my experience helps anyone here... the "trigger" topic is one that is universal for all us BS's...
I've been thinking of you. I hope whatever has been crowding your plate has resolved itself somewhat.
Happy Indpendence Day everyone. My baby boy comes back from his first ever away camp today. Can't wait.
(Weepy, as a non-Brit living in the UK, its a bit challenging trying to avoid the holiday.I dont know how many times I have heard "American Pie" on the radio this week. )
Hope you all have a good holiday!
So is everyone having a BBQ? I LOVE BBQs!
Ok, I love food.
HB, Any way we can help?
I can see what you mean about your baby's death kind of preparing you for the LTA aftermath.
I wish I had kept a memory book. All I have is his hospital band, a blanket I bought for him and a maternity shirt I lived in for most of that time. I remember holding him after in the hospital and H asked if I wanted a photo taken...and I was horrified. A photo of my dead baby...it seemed so blasphemous....and I later regretted that. It would have helped when I told the kids. Ah well.
Ukg, how are you doing?
HAve you decided what you are doing for you birthday yet?
My baby boy comes back from his first ever away camp today
BT, I bet you have his fav dinner all lined up already.
My DS also had a milestone event of sorts today. HE went out alone with his mates for the first time ever. Ok it was only to one of the the local school's 4th July fair, but he has never been one to socialise, so this one is a biggie for him.
H is more stressed about it than me. I am surprisingly calm...DS gave me all the info I needed, he knows the rules, and I guess I trust him not to do anything stupid. Saying that, there had so better not be any talk of girls!
I was wondering if anyone has seen the Sex in the City movie.
I've excused myself from a lot of parties, football games, gatherings of all sorts to give myself time to process something.
We have the opera singing bf staying and on the Friday after my b’day, we have free tickets to the evening performance. And his b’day is the day before or the day after mine, which has lessened the dread for me. It’s been great listening to his practicing. And he has a music degree, so he plays piano too. Which is therapy for my soul, even if he doesn't know it!
Have a good weekend Tribe.
I know you mentioned MC'ing in previous posts. If you haven't seen one in a while, I would insist on an emergency one right away.
Have you talked to his or your parents? Would this be going too far or hurt them unnecessarily?
And why is she always buying him gifts? What does he do with them?
Why is he so incapable of shutting her out of his life? It is one thing for her to show up, it is quite another for him to engage in conversation with her once she is there
A great father would want what is absolutely best for his children and staying out all night, talking to a psychotic OW for 4 hours certainly is not in the best interest of your M and therefore not in their best interest
DDAY#1 9/30/05 False R
DDAY#2 3/13/08 blindsided
If your H is in tune and you can count on him, you can also use him to help you through. If you need extra affection, etc. have a key word he knows to tell him you are triggering, say the word and let him comfort you.
As for confessions, he confessed on his own on DDay#1. On DDay#2 he got caught in the process of "breaking it off for good". I kow when the A started, there was the sense of entitlement but i think he has carried a lot of guilt and remorse for many years. Didn't stop him, though. I don't think it makes it any easier for me that he felt guilt and hates himself for it because it never made him change.
Last week, before all this started again, we had a long conversation about how he just wants to be a good person. He knows he has lost the respect of many people he really admires and his goal now is to rebuild that trust and respect of everyone, not just me. He's doing a poor job.
She’d phoned the house three times in one evening – one very late at around midnight. They were silent. I took a note of the number and told DS3 to get his mobile phone sorted. Assumed the wrong thing there!! So he told me. I was dumbstruck. Shocked to the core. But unless one of them had said something, I would never, ever have known. Never. She was the perfect affair partner - until DDay.
I was wondering if we could have "a show of hands" for those whose H's confessed and those who had to get caught to stop
I started replying to this, (after 3 paras)then realised that I need to think it through first.
Will get back to you later.
Ukg, you are sounding better. Glad the operasinging, pianoplaying bf of your friend's DD(did I remember that right..lol), is bringing some light relief your way.
Though I am going to give you a little 2x4:
others I’ll drive down to where she lives and mooch around
Please, for YOUR sake, you are going to have try to let her go. She has taken so much already of your life, Ukg. Dont give her anymore. She is so NOT, and never was, worth it.
Those early days are rough.
Hope you are taking care of yourself. I used to find going for long walks by myself soothing.
But unless one of them had said something, I would never, ever have known. Never. She was the perfect affair partner - until DDay.
I think about someone ever treating my daughter this way and i would kill that person.
He doesn't get the fact that by talking to her he is still in a relationship with her.
But I also recognize that we a great co-parents and will continue to be great co-parents if we separate.
If MC/IC is currently out of the question, go the book route. I know most people say about After The Affair by Katie Coston, but I’m going to say it too. It’s the ebook and one that my H has read. He said it gave him lightbulb moments and made him realise what he had to do. Not that he’s done it yet. And Why Women Talk & Men Walk and Not Just Friends. At least you’ll be doing something constructive and it will give you talking points. WWT&MW has questionnaires.
H was able to live this life for so long with no qualms, sense of guilt, or sense of responsibility to me or our children.
as long as you didn't know you weren't getting hurt (let's not even go there) kind of attitude
He's still being a bit of an ass, but I'm trying to be as sweet as pie and not freak out like when he couldn't find the newspaper I told him was on the dining room table or one of the chairs. I had no clue YESTERDAY's paper was there also. So he picked up the wrong one and got huffy... you know the big sighs, the stare right at you and say "nothing's wrong" thing. So I just said "I told you it was in there, just wasnt' sure where." HE said he didn't hear me, so I shouted at him for like the next hour. Including things like "I LOVE YOU", did you HEAR THAT????? And he's just realized he's going to be alone all day tomorrow and him and the kids Monday and Tuesday while I go to the shore. He just had such a dear in the headlights look it was funny.
I was wondering if we could have "a show of hands" for those whose H's confessed and those who had to get caught to stop.
For those of you whose S had to get caught, would you share with me anything that you read or worked on in C'ing or any other helpful suggestion that helped you work through this.
Mine stopped, got caught in a different lie, a different female meeting and then when I searched for info on that, found the old one. He had no choice but to confess then.
He was never going to tell. NEVER.
Does it make things harder.... unbelievably and I have a hard time with the "men with conscience" I see around me and in tv and movies. Thing is, he used to have one, but it's gone completely, there's no pang of "uh oh, that was wrong" going on with him at all.
I had the problem of my H continuing to text and talk by phone to his OW, thinking that she would eventually go away. Errr, NO!
Then a couple of months later, he got copy invoices for his phone as he hadn’t claimed them on expenses for several months. The phone company sent everything from the beginning of the year, including details of all calls and texts. I photocopied them. He was texting her up to a dozen times a day. And calling her. Every day. At weekends, when we were on holiday, at 4am, 1am, all hours of the day and night, every day when he walked the dogs at 6.30am. A couple of months after DDay, he went to Switzerland for an interview, I went through the detailed invoices, highlighting every text and call. I got more and more upset. I realised it would also tell me when they were together. Anyway, the evening FWH flew out, OW texted me. I had sent her one “fuck off” text a few days before, as a friend had suggested. OW’s text said that I didn’t know about the last five years and it was better that I didn’t. I was on the phone to this friend when I got the text. I then got a text from FHW saying to call him. So I rang and asked when he had last texted her. About an hour before. Well, I went almost hysterical. I told him to stop NOW and he said I didn’t know what she was capable of, that she could be very vindictive. I told him in no uncertain terms that HER I could deal with. I had NO problems sorting her out. SHE was not the problem. It was HIS LYING I couldn’t deal with. And she could have him. I was finished.
He never sent her another text and he never rang her again. Five weeks later, she turned up on the doorstep, just as he had feared. He was taking DS3 to work (a Sunday) when she knocked. I leant on the doorjamb, crossed my arms and said “Oh. It’s you. What do you want” she said a couple of time she had stuff to return to my H, I told her I didn’t want it and shut the door in her face. Later there was a confrontation on the petrol station forecourt when H said he didn’t love her, had never loved her and told her to go home.
She carried on sending texts about how much she loved him and all of that crap. Sometimes I read them, sometimes I didn’t. She carried on for MONTHS. And then I texted her when FWH said he “couldn’t remember” her b’day (last time he was with her). So it went on until the full year round from DDay. The last one was probably 14mths after DDay.
The woman was slightly deranged. But then it wasn’t surprising, considering what my H (her ex-fiance) had done to her.
Sorry, that was a bit long, wasn't it?? Hope it doesn't sound too much like a rant.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:13 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]
I had no clue YESTERDAY's paper was there also. So he picked up the wrong one and got huffy...
Get your bag packed and enjoy some quality time away from him. You deserve it. How does he manage to act the ass so much of the time? Practise maybe?