Anyhow, are you going to do a recorded delivery to ensure that the H do get the letter? Are you going to supply your contact details? If you are, can I suggest for now, only your email address. Maybe even suggest that?
I was planning on doing a return receipt that needs to be signed by the recipient alone (no family members, etc).
Lastly, think about how you and H are going to handle contact from the OWH, for eg, if they want proof,details, etc? How does he feel about this?
This I haven't thought through yet. It will be part of the planning. I do not want face to face contact. I am willing to set up and supply a "dedicated" email account that I can immediately shut down if things get ugly. Unfortunately, we are easy to find and one of the Hs could easily find my H due to professional ties.
H is willing to do whatever it takes to make me heal. This makes him nervous (as it does me as well) but he said he would do whatever it takes.
I am thinking it only really needs to be one of the two since one turns out to technically not be an LTA. After our conversation with her a few weeks ago, I now know the EA was just over a year and the PA less than a year. This was 15 years ago. She has only contacted H randomly via email every 3-5 years and was horrified to learn that she was not the only A.
That leaves just the one 7 year LTA ho-bag back of the car humpee to out!! As far as proof, shit, why in god's name would we lie about something like this. I don't know her and have no reason to harm her or him. We do have friends that know them. They have been told about her but are nice enough to keep their mouths shut.
One of them mistakenly said to me after H confessed to the couple "but we know her and she is a really nice person". Weeeeellllll, I straightened him out on that point pretty quickly
I haven't read the whole thread through yet but i do hope to find some time to go back and read it and offer some support in return. I don't want to be selfish or needy here.
Hi still breathing. Sorry to see that you have been here before, thought you were sorted only to find yourself reaching out for support again. Don’t even think about the third dimension. That got binned on DDay 2. I’ve read through your previous posts and it sounds like you’ve done everything right. Are you still doing the 180 and making him do everything for himself? Have you seen a lawyer and/or started D proceedings? It does sound as though you are pretty much holding things together, even though it may not feel like it. Are you back in C’ing? And, finally, has he got rid of the psychotic OW? Hugs to you (((((SB)))))
oops. I hit submit to soon. I continue a new post.
[This message edited by still breathing at 1:37 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
DDAY#1 9/30/05 False R
DDAY#2 3/13/08 blindsided
I think it was right for me to tell OWH. Just that it turns out that he wasn’t so sure he wanted to know. But then I think he went to private school …….. so prob stiff upper lip, don’t talk about it, knuckle down and get on with it. Kwim? A bit like the end of Brief Encounter where her H says “Thank you for coming back to me” Maybe it was supposed to be a poignant “Brief Encounter” for both of them, escaping from reality into fantasy and dreamland. Happily ever after roses round the door. Whatever.
So, Shirley, if you do it try and keep the emotion out. Just stick to the facts and say that you only think that it’s right that he knows. Leave the ball in his court, but it’s only fair that you make yourself available for any questions he may have. And my H said that OW was interesting and enjoyable company, a good “friend”. Hmm. So you fuck all your good friends, do you?
We went out for lunch yesterday, eating al fresco at our Italian by the river. I actually managed to not think about him and OW lunching together and exchanging sweet nothings. I actually felt something of how I used to feel about him for a few minutes. H was twiddling my “true to my self” ring and not saying much, but I know he would rather I didn’t wear it and wore a wedding band instead. So, a question for you. I have my Nana’s ring, my Mum’s mother. A 22 carat heavy barrel stamped London 1922. I know I will not wear it again, not as a wedding ring anyhow. My Mum doesn’t know about the affair, not does my Dad. My IL’s do, but they have kept their promise and said nothing. A couple of weeks ago my Mum asked (again) where my ring was. I fobbed her off. We don’t see them that often as they live 250 miles away. Three or four times a year. If she should ask again, should I give it back to her? It is, after all, her mother’s ring. I could say we’ve been on the brink of D, but I don’t want to elaborate as we’re okay again now. Otherwise, I think she’ll badger on about it.
Opinions? I expect I’ll be going down in the summer break.
H is willing to do whatever it takes to make me heal
shirley, be grateful about this. I heard last night that I need to do whatever it takes to heal, it's not his job to heal me or help me, it's mine to figure it out...alone apparently. I told him that could be arranged.
One comical (?) thing from our "discussion" last night. He apologized for his comment in MC finally, telling me he was mad and lashing out (like that's an excuse). Anyway he says "what? do you want me to apologize every time I get mad at you?" So I say "No, only the times you call me a whore, worthless, stupid, slow, old, vindictive, or accuse me of intentionally triggering. Oh and any time you DO anything mean, vindictive, cold, annoying, lazy, stupid or paranoid."
I do think that H sees sex as sex where I see it as making love, as showing someone you love them. Big difference
Do you SoL? Because i feel what we have now is sex. H calls it making love. What he had with the others is sex. Guess that's why the actual sex they had doesn't bother me so much, because if it's what I'm getting, they didn't get much in the way of helping them along. It is, and always has been, all about him.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I have never had sex with someone that I didn't love. So that is how I view sex. When it does happen, it is very loving and generous and good. But only when I initiate and because of medical related ED problems, only when ahead of time so medication can be taken (that I bought). I just want to be wanted. I just want to feel loved.
For the most part things have been pretty good. We have our moments but it felt like he really was commited to changing his life and himself and keeping our family together. I was cautiously optimistic. Hurting, but hopeful. I've lashed out and broke down a few times and he was always there, gentle and kind and understanding.
Up until Sunday, He has been NC with OW (as far as I know) but she is still psycho. She still shows up at every public place she knows he will be. Still tried to talk to him and give him gifts. Still initiated conversations with his friends. Blah blah blah.
Dh hosted 2 weekly open mics and they have been the spawn of all things evil as far as I am concerned. He has done one for 8 years and the other for about 4 or 5. OW bought a freaking house around the corner from the one bar so it made it that much easier for their A. The bartenders give H free drinks, he gets too drunk to drive and makes bad choices. Of his own idea and motivation, H decided to quit these open mics. Its a financial strain for us to loss so much income but he has been working hard to make up for that. I was elated.
This past Sunday was the very last open mic ever. There were tons of people there. Of course, everyone wanted to buy him a shot. I told him I didn't really expect him home and i didn't want him to drive . I woke up at 5am and called to find out where he was. He said He said "I'm talking to OW." I said "why?" He said "I don't know." and then my phone died. I tried to call him back on my cell and he never answered. I lost my shit.
He was at a friends house and I spoke to someone else who was there so his story is verified. He didn't call me back until 8am. He said he went upstairs to friends apartment who lives above the bar to go to sleep (people crash there all the time and there were people all over the place that night) and the next thing he knew she was sitting in the room. He said he go upset and started talking to her, telling him it is over, to leave him alone, to stop coming to all his shows, etc.
We have fought about this for 3 days. To me, NC means NC. He's playing into her game. She like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum and any attention he gives her, even negative attention, is better than no attention. And why does it take a 4 hour conversation to say get away and leave me alone? He said she doesn't get it and he just wants her to get it so we can move on with our lives and be happy. I say I don't think she'll ever get and i don't care. And why couldn't he call me and tell me while it was happening? Why couldn't he call me back when the phone died? We agreed to always be a team in this and he went on a solo mission. That was a deal breaker! He knew that. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going in the stupid cycle, year after year after year.
So thats whats happening here. I'm going to go back and read the thread now. Thanks to everyone for being here and for the support you've already given me.
I heard last night that I need to do whatever it takes to heal, it's not his job to heal me or help me, it's mine to figure it out...alone apparently.
Oh, So Lost. Is it possible that the Viagra means that sex is not spontaneous and therefore he can’t make love to you when the mood hits? That you have to wait a while? You could try reading/posting in the I Can Relate Sexual Difficulties While in a Relationship and see if anyone there can help. But whatever happens, BT is right, you need to deal with this or it will become a self esteem and/or resentment issue.
I actually felt something of how I used to feel about him for a few minutes
HEy Ukg...this just be the break in the clouds for you guys, and be the start of whole new something nice.
Which leads me to:
If she should ask again, should I give it back to her?
What would be the point now?
I can understand you not wanting to wear it, (I dont wear or will ever wear my rings),but you didnt tell them before for a reason...so why do that now, when things are improving between you and H?
Anyhow, you can do what I am going to do with my rings and other M jewellery? Give them to the kiddos when they get older, and then they can do whatever they want to with it. I really cant be bothered.
Just my 2p.
Whew. It HAS been a hectic week for you.
That stupid deluded OW!
A restraining order is SO happening in the immediate future, right?
But your H.
He did make quite a few bad moves there, didnt he?
Did he not for a minute think of what you might have been going through after the cell died?
Stupid stupid man.
Is this a dealbreaker, Still, or do you think its something you both can work through?
Only you have that answer, and there is no right or wrong. Whatever you decide, we have your back.
I just want to be wanted. I just want to feel loved
Is it a deal breaker? Right now I am acting like it is but the truth is I don't know. Its maddening and I feel insane. H asked me to just wait a little while before I decide. I've been waiting for 7 years. How much longer do I have to wait? On the other hand, he just called me a few minutes ago and asked me to "borrow" money from my paycheck to pay a bill. That is the first time he has EVER made a distinction between my money and his money. Its always just OUR money. That kinda freaked me out.
Pretty much all of our friends know. The day after DDay I was feeling angry and sent out a mass email. Some of them a very supportive to us both, some of them have stopped speaking to him all together, and some of them are apathetic. Its a huge point of contention between us that he needs to use his true friends to create that safe barrier. He's constantly worried about "getting people in the middle of all this" but the truth of the matter is that most of them are in it anyway and are left with an awkward silence.
He says a big part of the reason he is quitting the open mics is because that is the only situation where he drinks too much (thats true). He gets way too many free drinks. When he actually has to pay for drinks he thinks a lot harder before throwing them back.
I think he honestly believes he is trying to get rid of her. He's trying to reason with her but there is no reasoning with a lunatic. I think he knows he created this monster and its out of control and he doesn't know what to do. I think he thinks that if we are a united front she will dismiss it as me forcing him to do it. She probably will because he convinced her of that for so long.
Right now she's not doing anything illegal to get an order of protection. He could have after DDay#1 but now she is being much more careful. She is aloud to be in public places. She was invited into friends home
I'll be back later. My friend is here to build our 4th of July float.
Thanks for you well wishes. H is really being something else. Right now he is trying to fix the keylogger on his laptop.He just discovered that it had gone a bit wonky, and he is determined to sort it out. I know its his blanky as much as mine, but it does help that he is eager to do this, instead of leaving it to me.
Gosh,I just remembered the days when i would log onto his emails several times a day, I would check the keylogger religiously EVERY day, go through every screen shot.
For those of you in that mode...it DOES and WILL get better. Just hang in there.
I keep wondering how long it will take before these types of triggers finally have little effect on me.
Who thinks of these ads?
As for the Sex movie, not my cup of tea.But sorry you didnt enjoy it. I read here that the Hancock movie is triggery, and I was looking forward to taking the kids to that.
Still, its ok to even stay in Limboland for awhile.
As for your "friends", methinks its time to get rid of the weeds!
What I dont get is, knowing your H has a drinking problem, his mates still ply him.
Guess you are going to have draw up a list of non negotiables if he is going to come back home, huh?
For now, like you said, just surviving each day is enough. Hope you are resting and eating and sleeping when you can. Please take care.
He stopped in for about 20 minutes while he had a break at work. He asked me if he could hug me. I let him, and then I felt like a dumbass.
FNF - "dealt with very strongly" ... what does that mean? I'm open to suggestions. How do I deal with it but not end my marriage?
[This message edited by still breathing at 9:30 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
keep wondering how long it will take before these types of triggers finally have little effect on me. For now, I am still very much affected.
Me too honey. Why does no one seem to understand that this still affects us this far out?
I just realized I have to edit my profile. I am not 30 anymore and he is not 32. So much time. I'm tired.
I've changed my sig line twice. I know what you mean.
And why does it take a 4 hour conversation to say get away and leave me alone?
Why does no one seem to understand that this still affects us this far out?
I just can't believe how many times in a day that something in the paper, on the news, on the radio, on TV, in a movie or a song causes me to trigger.
Well, if you listen to my H (and please don't, anyone, ever) then WE'RE choosing to let these things bother us. Or, even better, we actually go LOOKING for things to trigger over.
I went downtown with my DS the other day. I'm a block, one block from the "street" where most of the illicit activity took place. DS asked me to go with him. So I guess I should have said "No sweetheart, it's too close to your father's whorehouses, I'm afraid I'll trigger." ???
As for contact, nope. That's the one dealbreaker. I'm even watching the phone because he tried to call one of the friends who knew her.
Then I cried on the way home. Another beautiful day ended sadly for me
It is hard keeping up the facade, isnt it? And people look at our H's and think how lucky we are to have them. Sigh.
I wish I had an answer for the triggers, but I am pretty much in the same boat. However,how it affects me depends on my emotional state.And you know how moody I am.
But its more often than not, sadness.I dont get angry or deeply hurt so much...just sad.
And it DOES help SO SO much when H can recognise a trigger by himself and either change the channel/subject, and if he cant, then squeeze my hand or similar. I force myself to focus on the now.Tapping helps as well when I find myself getting overly agitated.
But most of the time, I just avoid them...songs, books, movies, celeb stories.
StillB, Fnf gave you some sound advice. Its been 2 years and your H is still stuck in some fog.
Maybe a trip to the lawyers might shake some sense into him.
This surprises even me, but I'm going to agree at least in part with Mr. Weepy. (Did lightning just strike near anyone?)
I think after a certain point, it is up to us to take control of these triggers and fight them. Where that point is is different for different people. For me, it was at about two years out.
In the months right after d-day, I don't think you can or should fight them. It would be a losing battle and possibly even harmful. Then, we are so traumatized that we can't do anything but survive the triggers.
But after a while, we need to be proactive about it.
For me, I was able to do it by coming to a different kind of understanding of feelings.
Prior to d-day and IC and lots of reading, I looked at feelings as fact. I thought my feelings told me some kind of truths about the world and I relied on them to navigate my way through my life. Since d-day, I have come to believe that feelings, while very important and essential to knowing yourself, should not be the controlling factor in my life.
The greatest change I have made since all this muck started is to learn to live from my beliefs, rather than from my feelings/emotion. And one of my fundamental beliefs is the importance of living in and squeezing the last drop of good out of the moment.
So, when I get a trigger, and I do get them, what I try to do is take the time to sit down and take a few minutes to feel the emotion. Sometimes that results in tears or anger or just deep sadness. Whatever that emotion is, I focus on it exclusively for ten or 15 minutes, and then force myself on to something else. Generally, it's something that requires my full attention. IOW I divert myself from that feeling. Sometimes it is difficult to divert myself, but sometimes it is not at all. I have honored my feeling, felt it and then let it move through me, as my IC says. And I am ready to move on.
Over time, the strength of the triggers has shrunk to negligible. I think ten or 15 minutes is a reasonable amount of time for me to spend on a feeling that is anchored in the past. Having a memory ruin a whole day for me is not acceptable anymore, which is quite a change considering that I used to let anger or sadness about even small things ruin whole days, weeks or even months.