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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I'm trying to do... just stop fighting about it and do it.

Weepy, then do it for you, and go for it!!!

Serjr gave a great line in one of the threads in General, and I thought it spoke to us LTA BSs so well:

You know, when I came here I thought I was in a war for my marriage. Turns out the real war is for ourselves. Don't lose that one


Have a peaceful weekend Tribe.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, LostH, I think maybe he was trying to sort of reclaim the day. He said he did twig the date, but only after I had said that it wasn’t just any Friday. He reckons the date would have meant nothing to him. So the scallops wrapped in bacon, the Janssons Temptation and the chilled white wine was his offering to me. I shall just leave it at that.

Don’t worry about your DD. It’s always at the school gate, isn’t it?? Explain that it’s just time for you to be exercising your brain at work while they are growing theirs in school. You are NOT neglecting them and it certainly doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

H says it's because I'm getting old.

Old is a state of mind. Maybe he’s the one getting “old”. I think this infidelity stuff is bound to age us. I was like you. Now I look over 50. But I try to feel better about that when I rmember OW turning up on the doorstep and I thought she looked dowdy, plain, overweight, pale and wan – and older than me!

That's what I'm trying to do... just stop fighting about it and do it.

Try to take a step back, weepy, before you react to any of his sarcastic comments. And quietly stand your ground.

I haven’t asked H if OW sent him a drunken text last night. I don’t think it matters anymore.

(((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went over a lot of this stuff about the fighting with my IC last night.

It's easy to say "don't bite". But if sarcasm and needling and general smart or negative remarks are all you hear... then I would be silent the entire day.

I told her that I can usually blow them off for a while, but even if I do, then he keeps at me, and there's no where to go if I've already bent over backwards trying to avoid his blow. I feel like I HAVE to stand up and fight back or he won't respect me or more likely, I won't respect myself for not standing up to him.

See, you do something different, right? WEll, standing up to him IS different. But it just escalates. Sometimes I think getting nasty like him is what he understands, like I'm speaking his language.... however, he's fluent in it and I'm just doing "high school" jerk.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for the replies and advice.

Update--I didnot contact her. I know what HShirley says is true. Why let her think she got a rise out of me.

H and I have spent alot of time talking about this and what to do, not do. He wants to tell her to leave him alone and not contact him again, but also doesn't want to open the door to her to respond. He is VERY angry that she is still trying to come between us and that she hurt me again. He took her out of his phone months ago and she called him on his work number. He didn't know who it even was at first or says he wouldn't have answered it had he known it was her. Now he says he will NOT answer it again and he thinks she will not call again.

I think he is torn between wanting to call and tell her he loves me, it is over, do not call again. And just ignoring her and she will go away.

I don't know, but I am still holding on to the fact that this is the first time he has told me about her contacting him. Our MC is out of town, but next visit will probably be about this and what to do.

Right now I am going to try to enjoy what we have. We have come so far in our M, and I refuse to let her take any of it away. I believe he did what I have asked him to do and I want to continue to encourage this.

Thanks again for the advice!!!!!!!

Hard for me to keep up with the postings when kids are all home and around. Hope everyone has a good weekend.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I wanted to check in to see how you and your D were this morning. That's such a tough call. Yet, I just know that you spend a great deal of quality time with your children when you are at home so please don't beat yourself up. You are a great mom, no wonder your DD wants to be with you.
Have you discussed your supervisor's request with your H? What does he think? Is he able to pick up the slack if you're not available due to FT work? One of things that I think can be a great benefit is if your H can start sharing the responsibility of your children's care with you.
I have been a SAHM but have done things during their formative years, like completing my degree, doing a year long internship, starting my grad program, etc., and it was up to my H to fill in during those times. When we first married he was of the mindset that the man goes to work and brings home the paycheck and the wife stays at home and cares for the children. This often resulted in him having very little time with the children and me feeling very angry and frustrated. In an attempt to balance things out for myself and my family, I began to take better care of myself and my needs. In the end, I think my children benefitted by having more time with their father and learning to rely on him as well as on me. This was a crucial turning point for us. Men sometimes have to be "shoved" into child care participation. One of the questions my H would ask early on that would send me into a mini rage was, "Do you need me to babysit for you?" WTF??? Whose kids were these anyway? Once they start to share in the responsibility of their care, they realize that they have missed out on some great times and their bonds with the children become stronger.
In the case of the LTA spouse, many of them have given very little time to the family and so if this is true in your case as well, this might just be the perfect opportunity for your H and your children.
Good luck with your decision and remember, at this time it is only temporary. You can always go back to part-time if this doesn't work out for you.
((LH))


[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:50 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl - your dinner sounds lovely. I do think he was trying to do something special without bringing up the subject. You can imagine that he wouldn't want to mention it if you hadn't thought of it. I do think that once they get it, they spend a lot of time tip-toeing around trying not to do anything that will trigger us. Also, I think in many of their cases, they were never the "giver" so it is a little awkward for them. Give him credit for trying - k?

As far as old, I aged a TON right after dday because I wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating right, drinking too much (well haven't cleared that up yet ). After a few months, I took one look at myself and knew I had to do something. I have been working out harder than I have in years, playing competitive tennis (really not old ladies tennis the real thing with women in their late 20s and early 30s), eating well, doing things for myself. Hell, I even got a "rinse" in my hair for the first time in my life to make the small amount of grey I have look like highlights. Anyway, last week I had one of the "younger" moms ask me if I was 40 yet!!! I agree that old is an attitude and if I am determined, I can look and FEEL 10 years younger.

HBH - I am glad you were strong and didn't react to her probing. I think ignoring her is probably the most hurtful. I also think your H is trying very hard to do the right thing. If she persists and contacts him again, I would either have a lawyer (or if you don't want to spend the money draft up yourself) a very business-like letter that states in no uncertain terms that she should make no further contact and, if she persists, you will file a restraining order. Have the letter sent registered, return receit necessary so you know she received. The more business-like the better. Treat her like a criminal - she will hate it. Hopefully, she got the message and this won't be necessary.

Lost Heart - I have been on all sides of the SAHM fence. I worked in a very high stress, long hours work environment for a dozen plus years with the kids with full-time nannies, etc. I did 4 years of SAHM. I am currently working independently and can, to a large degree, control my own hours. Believe me, the kids can learn to adapt to anything. I think it is really important for my girls to see me not only making a contribution but to see me doing something that I enjoy - sends them a good message about themselves for the future. Also, there are certain women who are going to react like that no matter what....guess what? They are probably miserable and would like to have a position like you!!!

Hi FNF !!

Weepy - it hurts me to see you so unhappy. Your H is not only not doing anything right, he is purposely doing everything wrong. He doesn't care. You need to do what is right for you not what will keep the peace. He doesn't want peace so that won't work anyway. Give him the letter and stand your ground.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, can’t you tell it’s the weekend. Well, I hope that’s b/c everyone is doing well and not needing SI right now.

Weepy, I don’t mean to turn off completely, just try to not react in the way he wants. Cos all that seems to happen is that he turns it around and makes it your fault. Which it’s not. Try pushing issues back to him with “why do you feel that way” “here’s our problem, what do you suggest” or even “you’re entitled to your opinion and I think we’d better stop now” Confrontation might be the only language he understands, but it’s time he mastered a new one. What happens when you have these spats in MC? It isn’t right that he verbally and emotionally beats you up all the time and I think you should stop beating yourself up. You can’t force him to change, but you can change in and for yourself. Give yourself a break. Lighten up all around. There has to be something better than this. Hugs, (((((weepy)))))

Shirley, I have given him credit. He was very patient with me. And I said thank you to him and that I appreciated what he was doing. He doesn’t understand the triggers b/c he doesn’t have any! So he def won’t get today’s.

Listening to the radio this morning, the DJ made a reference to “there is a green hill far away”. Now, we all prob know that’s a hymn, but for me it’s the beginning of a stanza that goes “There is a green hill far away, with a white horse, a lover, / A pallet full of memories, a tree full of blossom, tranquillity, / ……….. something small, delicate, the merest taste of tomorrow, / a fledgling, a longdrawn breath, sorrow fluttering” Yeh right. I couldn’t get it out of my head the whole time I was down the gym. I recalled the first few lines and something about tomorrow and remember reading it, looking at the date, reading it again and thinking what a complete bastard he was. He had taken something he had written about her, rearranged where it was in the stuff he presented to me and implied it was about me. I wrote on it “your arrogance is astonishing” So that’s got me kind of a bit down today and I'll have to try and shake it off.

I have the boyfriend of a friend’s daughter staying with us for a month. He’s an opera singer and working about 20mins away from here, so I said rather than B&B to stop with us. His b’day is the day before or after mine. So I’m not sure what’s going to happen there. No running away for me, I guess, esp as my friends daughter is planning to come over to help him celebrate. I’ll have to get some sort of plan in motion. I’m assuming FWH will be “between jobs” still.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:16 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the questions my H would ask early on that would send me into a mini rage was, "Do you need me to babysit for you?" WTF???

This used to annoy me to no end. Hearing him tell someone "I can't, I have to babysit." MC called him on it once when he told me that he couldn't always go see his GF when she wanted, because sometimes he was "babysitting" our kids. The other was "I'm stuck with the kids." WTF is right!

Your H is not only not doing anything right, he is purposely doing everything wrong. He doesn't care

IC doesn't think it's because he doesn't care.. but more because he wants us to be completely shut down. That he can't handle emotions at all, his or mine. His issue, but I have to try and work within the confines.

I'm going to start a dialogue this morning with "Do you think I'm cheating on you?" WHen he says no (which he will even if he thinks that) I'm going to ask him if in 30 years he remembers me doing anything immoral, illegal, or massively irresponsible. I think he'll answer that no too. or the "not that I ever caught on to."

Then I'm just going to tell him his "third degree" everyday smacks of mistrust. What is it that he doesn't trust?

If he says he's just being "funny" (which is his out for everything... i didn't mean it, you're too sensitive) I'm going to tell him it's ok to ask me in the context of "so, how was your day, dear, what did you do today?" And stop asking me to justify or explain every minute, every dollar and every mile on my car. (I'm sure he'll refer to my doing this)

Then I'll just say that if he'd discovered I was screwing around for 7 years, had spent thousands of OUR money on boy toys and done it all while telling him I was working or doing something for us... then I'd understand and expect it.

I'll tell him then I would love to share my day with him, but I won't have it "judged" by him as to whether it's "worthwhile".


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I had the “babysit” too. Excuse me, aren’t they YOUR children too?? And then the “when will you be back?” Puhlease. Thank goodness they’re older now.

i didn't mean it, you're too sensitive

Errrm. I got that too. Not lately. Actually, not in a while. But, I get how you feel about it. NO. I’m not too sensitive, you are just a boorish, tactless fuckwit.

Hang on to something, weepy. Make sure you don’t fall off. Sending hugs.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much going on! Trying to catch up.

(((Weepy))) I just feel like you are in such a hard place right now. Trying to figure out how to make this work and I can just feel how painful this is for you. I'm sorry.

We went to a Chicago concert the other night with some friends for my H birthday. Our wedding song was by Chicago (Inspiration) and I got teary when that came on. H didn't say or do much but squeeze my hand once and I reminded him what it as and he said he knew. Then Hard to say I'm sorry came on


http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=Yh9cNYlmXEY

I hope that works. I kind of got the breath knocked out of me when it started and he squeezed my hand and kissed me and then just held me. I really felt like he felt the words...that's the first time something like that has happened. Where he really got it.

Of course, now we haven't had sex for 5 weeks. I mentioned him being my roommate and he just said it wasn't all him, he could ask me to come upstairs, etc. He was at work so we couldn't talk. Then when he got home he woke me up (his mom was staying the night) and mentioned not being roommates tonight. I just felt cold though. Like why do I have to say something? If you don't an to be with me of your own accord then just forget it. It's so hard to talk about though. I wrote a letter but I don't know if I can give it to hm or not. I may write another as the first was from before the roommate conversation. Everything else seems great but that.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to a Chicago concert the other night with some friends for my H birthday. Our wedding song was by Chicago (Inspiration) and I got teary when that came on. H didn't say or do much but squeeze my hand once and I reminded him what it as and he said he knew. Then Hard to say I'm sorry came on

Chicago's "just you and me" was our song. We went to see them last summer and I couldn't even finish the show, had to leave I was so upset and overwhelmed... well, also they were terrible, but that's another story.

I am trying to hold onto something. I didn't talk to him at all this weekend. Everything provoked an argument from whether I actually saw a cardinal in the yard to how much I spent on water at the store.

So here I go again. I'm going to give him this letter tonight or tomorrow so he won't feel "blindsided" at MC on Wednesday night. I'm taking a big risk of "ruining" our 4th of July holiday. But I'm also going out of town ALONE the day after, so there's no time like the present.

Any comments guys?

Tonight I want to talk about anger. I am angry about his infidelity, yes, still. I am angry about the way he ignores that his past actions have an impact on our current relationship. I am angry about the way he has minimized the impact of his infidelity to such a point that it seems he forgets why we’re in this mess. I am angry that he forgets that making a comment about me turning tricks might trigger a memory that cuts me to my heart, or worse, that he knows it will and does it anyway. I am angry about how catching him in a lie or his getting defensive when I ask him about his day reminds me of those times first, as much as I try fight the trigger and stay in the moment.

The problem is, when we fight about money, whether I bring up a touchy subject at MC, whether the water I buy cost $5 a gallon on $1. Whether I’ve called his mother, or I mailed the insurance check out late. They’re not issues that warrant the fights that follow. The survival of our marriage is the issue. It’s just easier to fight about who made what phone call or didn’t do what they were “supposed” to do. It’s easier to talk about the stupid weathermen or what the kids are doing. It’s easier for me to sit in silent resentment and put up a barrier between us about something stupid than deal with the real issue of how disrespected I feel. I know it’s not a good sign that it’s getting easier and easier to distance myself from him.

I’m willing to work my ass off to come out on the other side of this with a better relationship, an honest, open, respectful, caring relationship. But I’m not going to work my ass of to get the same relationship we had while he was cheating, just without the cheating. The one where he tells everyone what to do, how to do it and then gets angry when it doesn’t happen exactly that way. The one without sex or even genuine affection and tenderness. The one where we’re supposed to be mind readers. (IKEA and Asplundh are good examples) The one where I have to account every hour of my day and every mile on the car, where my value to the relationship is based on how much I earn or whether I “did” anything that day.

I wrote a long, detailed account last week of my feelings and what I’m willing to own and do to change what’s going on. About what I need and want. And I still have it, I haven’t given it to him or read it to him or even told him I had it until now. Because I spent the week vacillating between really wanting to connect to him and feeling like if I did, I was letting him get away with disrespecting me again. He hadn’t even apologized for his behavior last week, although I did own up to mine. I showed it to my therapist who said there were about 10 MC sessions worth of material in it, I tried to address too many issues. So now I don’t know what to do, since we can’t even seem to talk about anything without it turning into an argument.

I think the best thing to do is actually to have HIM read it aloud at MC.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost - There's nothing so healing in this process than those moments when we finally see that our S's really seem to get it. I'm glad this happened for you. It helps to keep fighting for the M, at least that's the way I feel when these moments happen.
I did want to ask why you went "cold" when your H approached you. Do you think it was fear or do you really think he was just doing it for you? I didn't get that sense when I read your post. It sounded to me like you had a very strong emotional connection during the concert and later he felt the need and desire to make an intimate connection.
Does that make sense? These times are so sensitive and we need so much to feel their desire and need for us. From what you described about your night out, I truly got that sense.
(((SL)))
Weepy - what can I say. You are struggling so much these days and it breaks my heart for you. I remember a while ago, long before my own d-day, reading about relationships and the importance of balance in them. That it was so important not to take more than your fair share of the responsibility for the relationship. That in some cases you may need to go 60/40 but beyond that, the relationship was not a healthy balance. I really believe this strongly and in your case, I am getting the sense that the statistical balance is so far off - 90/10 is what I'm reading. Am I wrong here? It can't work for either of you with an imbalance this great, IMHO. You are making yourself ill with your desire to reach him and he appears to be pushing you away the harder you try.
I am in no way trying to hurt you, I hope you know and believe this but everything you are telling us lately demonstrates your H's resistance to any attempt to make a better M for the both of you.
I’m willing to work my ass off to come out on the other side of this with a better relationship, an honest, open, respectful, caring relationship.

Yes, Weepy, we can see how hard you are working for this, but is he? You just cannot do this alone. Relationships don't survive with this imbalance.
When I say that I believe he is only doing 10% of the work, it is only because he continues to go to IC and MC'ing (that is his 10% of the effort as I see it anyway) yet he seems to make no progress with all the C'ing he is getting. In fact, he seems to be getting worse lately.
I don't want to destroy your hope but this current direction does not seem to be working. In fact, it seems to be having the opposite effect that you so desire.
IC doesn't think it's because he doesn't care.. but more because he wants us to be completely shut down. That he can't handle emotions at all, his or mine.

This statement to me says so much about your H and what's going on. It also reminds me of something my IC/MC said to me when dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable. He said that if I choose to stay, I may have to learn to "manage" my relationship and take care of my own needs. We simply cannot change someone unless they want to be changed and those spouses who are emotionally crippled need intense IC'ing as well as an intense desire to change. Until your H is willing to do this, you are only going to continue to be hurt, frustrated and denied your emotional needs. How long are you willing to live like this??
A million hugs Weepy and a sincere apology if I have spoken out of line.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:56 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost.
Got the link. That’s one of the songs that has had me in tears too. What about If You Leave Me Now? And I can never listen to Billy Joels’s She’s Always a Woman or Don’t Go changing or to Roberta Flack’s The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Dylan’s Lay Lady Lay, omg. The list is just too long.

But to the crux of the matter.

Of course, now we haven't had sex for 5 weeks.

Why not, SoL? You’ve had the cuddling in bed, so you’ve had intimacy. So why not the whole caboodle? Xanex? An agreement of some sort to wait? And where did the “room mates” come from? Is he being overly sensitive to you and maybe he thinks you don’t want sex with him. What have you said in your letter? Lots of questions I know, but I thought things were okay with you in that department. What’s wrong?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I'm also going out of town ALONE the day after,

Where are you going, weepy? And why?

Tonight I want to talk about anger.

Now this is what worries me. You are always angry and that anger could so easily turn into bitterness. That is not good. Anger can be good, bitterness is never good. Anger can get to be a habit. That’s not good either. And you've been extremely uptight lately (am I right? )


It’s this fighting all the time. You say you’re working your ass off on this marriage. Firstly, you should never have to “work your ass off”. Work at it, talk about it, argue, open up, be honest, ask for your needs to be met, be willing to meet his needs, compromise, etc, BUT it shouldn’t be hard work. And you certainly shouldn’t seem to be doing all the work when he won’t or can’t hold up his end. And secondly, you don't have to account for yourself every second of the day or every cent you spend. That's not a true partnership imho.

I was letting him get away with disrespecting me again.

You should never feel like that. He shouldn’t want you to feel that way and his attitude shouldn’t make you feel like that about yourself.

The points you make in the letter are very valid and should be addressed at MC. And yes, let him read it first. Can I suggest that if it is discussed in depth that you contribute very little timewise and let him do the talking. Let him read it aloud and ask him to deal with each point in turn. And ask your MC where he/she thinks you are going wrong.

I hope you’re not running away weepy. It’s not the answer. (From someone who’s always jumping in her car and scooting off!! )

ETA. And I hope I'm not way out of line here. Just ignore me if I am. Hugs (((((weepy)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:38 AM, June 30th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only a minute before going to work adn I have some sort of stomach flu...fun,fun.

No sex for 5 weeks because I haven't initiated. He says it's atwo way street adn I need to start things up as well but I feel like do hat about 75 % of the time. My ego is just not up to it anymore. I want to be wanted. He crushed me with the affair. They never went more than3 weeks without having sex, so it kills me that this keeps happening. That's basically what I wrote in the letter. I have needs too. Everything else is great, i don't knwo why this isn't. When it happens it is, that just isn't often. I wonder if he thinks of me as his caregiver, as that's the role I have had for several years. I don't know, but the whoel thing just hurts.

Thanks for alwasy understanding guys. I really appreciate you all.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, no one ever is out of line here in giving me advice. Gosh, I inundate you guys with so much crap, I'd have a hard time telling you not to tell me the truth. That's what I come here for, the truth.

You are making yourself ill with your desire to reach him and he appears to be pushing you away the harder you try.

I know half the books say "don't try, give them room to come to you." Well, in our house that backfires because he enjoys the solitude.

And when I say I'm willing to work my ass off, I mean in terms of what I didn't do before the affairs, keep him in the loop, try and make myself healthier (and yes, more attractive), show him affection, listen to him and give him his props when due. That's such HARD work to him, I should get credit for it.

Where are you going, weepy? And why?

Please don't get the wrong idea... his sisters invited me to the shore for a few days. I told him a couple weeks ago about the invite and I told him last night I was definately going. (And yes, of course, i hope he'll miss me).

They never went more than3 weeks without having sex, so it kills me that this keeps happening. That's basically what I wrote in the letter. I have needs too.

Huge issue for me too SoL. But the hookers were only like every other month, that's when H pursued. The OW was the planner in the affair, so yeah, I can get him to have sex if I ask him once a week or so, but I don't include the phone sex, the letter sex, the "I can't wait to get my hands on you" message she conveyed. Because it's just not like that with us. Used to be, never will be again, that's what I'm trying to "manage" in my relationship.

That it was so important not to take more than your fair shair of the responsibility for the relationship. That in some cases you may need to go 60/40 but beyond that, the relationship was not a healthy balance. I really believe this strongly and in your case, I am getting the sense that the statistical balance is so far off - 90/10 is what I'm reading.

No, as far as keeping the M together, you're not far off. Like I said in the letter, the only thing missing is the actual adultery. But right now he keeps heaping it on me and as often as I back off and tell him to deal with it (whatever the issue) I keep hearing "but you have the time, YOU'RE not working."

So his part of the marriage is to work, see IC and talk about the weather, I guess, go to MC and get pissed off and not cheat.

Then he calls and tells me not to make dinner tonight, it's too hot to cook, he'll take me out. No, he would not have done that during the affairs. We haven't done that on the spur of the moment for months.

So now I wonder if the distancing IS working.

But dammit it's going to take more than that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

I am sorry everything is so difficult for you right now. I'm praying that things start to look up for you soon.


SoLost,

I spent a lot of time exactly where you are. Boy, I remember how much that hurt.

I can't remember if you all have done MC. If you haven't, I think this issue is enough reason all by itself for you to start.

bt


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy & Solost, sending you extra hugs and healing thoughts.

I have had quite a lot on my plate lately, but I still lurk/read and keep up on all of you

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

LH - I wanted to check in to see how you and your D were this morning

Thanks Fnf.
I have been trying to spend little bouts of time with her. I dont think I realised how insular (is that the word?)I have become. It seemes like I dont have any time any more, and what time I did have at home, I wanted to stay in my head...just that little me time. But I missed the rejection effect I was having on the kids.

So promised DDs that I would make a determined effort to spend more time with them (DS said he will use me as he needed..didnt want a set time.. IC said thats his way of protecting himself).

IC also had a few interesting observations on the kids which I will take on board, one of them being, that just because I am settling down after all the massive changes in the last 2 years, would mean the kids are too. Anyhow, decided to take DD (first) to the homeopath, and see if she can help as well. IC thinks she could with DD's anxiety and sleeping habits.

Things are pretty good with H and me...didnt think I would ever say that 1 year ago! He just seems to have had some switch turned in him, and has been staying helpful and affectionate and generally caring to us. I am loving it! Scared, but loving it.

***
SoLost, I would ditto the MC advice. At the least, you would get to the root of his issue.I think its an issue definetly worth fighting for.

***
(((((Weepy)))))
You are in my thoughts.

***
Hi HB!

I have had quite a lot on my plate lately

Wishing you strength and peace.

***
Ukg, I channel hop like you wouldnt believe. Just aint worth the pain or sadness.
((((ukg)))

***
Fnf, meant to ask you..how are things with you and DD?

***
June is over. Made it. Phew.

Wishing you all a good day.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

June is over. Made it. Phew.

You can say that again LH! In fact, I will: June is over. Made it. Phew.
I'm still away from home and FWH seems to be missing me. He is finding out what it is like to be home alone night after night.
There have been quite a few posts to read... esp. for a weekend.
Weepy... you are on my mind and in my prayers.
So now I wonder if the distancing IS working.
But dammit it's going to take more than that.

This is what I'm feeling too. I miss my FWH but feel it's good to distance myself and hear that he misses me instead of me being the 'needy one'.
{{{LTA}}}

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
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