I just figure there might be more responses on that forum, sometimes this one gets a little slow...
I have been doing great, and R is going so well.
I just am struggling with OW and OC, and the $2000.00 she gets, and taking vacations, and partying. WTF just gets me sooo worked up.
WH lives in another state. Will be two years now. Once he moved with the OW, things started falling apart and she wound up seeing someone else. WH moved out on his own and started going to counseling. Also found God. He has changed from the person he used to be and has learned a lot.
At first, the kids would not talk to him and he had no contact with them at all. He then came to visit them and has visited them every three months. It is still difficult as the kids do not want him to tell them what to do since he lives away from them. Our youngest, who will be 3 next month, didn't really know him and just started calling him "daddy."
He lives close to the OW and the OC so he has visitation twice a week. It's a hard pill to swallow that he helps with that child while I am left a single parent.
He wants to come back but I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to have anything to do with the OC and that situation. The OW tried to state that she wants the OC to have a father and wanted him to move down here. My feelings are that I have three of my own children to raise, have been raising them on my own, and don't want anymore responsibility. Thank you very much. Your child, your responsibility.
I can see the problems and try to explain to WH. I would never tell anyone to not see their kid so I choose to walk away and move on with my life. Don't want to have to deal with him going up there and visiting. Even though she's with someone new and WH talks about staying with them. I don't trust the situation. A lot of people would just say to have to OC come visit, but I refuse to do anything I'm not comfortable with.
I know the child is innocent, but why should I have to look at the product of what hurt me so bad? And the fact that the OC is just 4 months younger than my youngest child makes me feel ashamed. I feel as if I have to do what's best for me and my kids. And that I can't be with him with this division between us. I think he should move on with his life and find someone who can accept all of his kids. I didn't sign up for this and won't accept it.
You are doing a strong and good job on your own--it's not fair and it's so hurtful--but you are doing it all. Sounds like the added stress wouldn't be good for you. Good luck.
I forget, are you divorced or legally separated or getting CS from him?
I am uncomfortable with the situation and I keep thinking of the what if's. She made him promise that he would take the OC if something happened to her. What if I invested that time in him and still didn't want the OC if/when the time came.
It is stressful being a single parent and being his vacation destination. We have discussed him moving closer in order to have visitation with the kids, but not living together. That would be the best thing for me. I feel as if I haven't moved on because his choices still have an impact on me. I don't really have anyone to help me with my kids. So I haven't had the opportunity to date or anything else. I feel that I should see what the world has to offer me.
Last year, he told me about the multiple affairs he had during our whole time together. It seems as if our whole life was a lie. To me at least. If I would have known then what I know now, things would have been different. I just feel that being with him, he gets everything. While I'm stuck with the past to deal with, herpes, and an OC. Can't forget where I got the herpes from when I have my breakouts.
[This message edited by scorpio1 at 12:13 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]
I agree with 25Wimsey you seem to have answered your own question. I am going to tell you what I told another member, you have jumped over one of the biggest hurdles that is hard for a BS to do and that is you are already living on your own.
If you know that he will still be involved with OC and you can't deal with that, you have to do what is right for you. If you compromise with this situation and you know that you really can't deal with it, you will never truly be happy.
So you have to outweight having a sometime daddy for your COM, because even if he does move back, that is what he will be, because he still will be involved with OC seperately, or living like you are living now.
Hugs to you, I know it is hard.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:48 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]
While the issue of support appears to be over and we thought we would put it all behind us, the OC's mother has twice sent H letters about 'his son'. The letters are short, and the recent one included a copy of his report card. It sounds like she is a recovering alcoholic and born again Chrisitan and feels like she needs to let H know about the boy and she also seems to assume that H would want to hear about him and perhaps play a role in his life. H had decided that he was not going to have any contact with the OC or his mother and has not responded, but it is hard to get these letters. Should he write back to the mother letting her know that he has no hard feelings, but would like to continue as before? That he does not see beginning a relationship with her son at this point, and that he should have that choice given that she chose it for him the first 15 years of the OC's life.
I know that many people would not make this choice, but for now that is what H and I want. Who knows if one day he will feel differently. I am just trying to figure out if he should respond to the OC's mother or just keep ignoring her and hoping she will get the message.
Thanks very much.
I look at things the way you do. We also chose NC. I let the OW know when she made the choice to keep the child that she would only get what the state required my H to pay, nothing else. I figure that one day the child will probably come looking for him, and will be told of the situation and why there was no contact.
I would let her know that she made the choice, and you don't want her contacting you anymore.
I tend to agree. If this is what you both have agreed on then make it clear. Don't leave anything to speculation. Now if your H thinks he may feel differently later, I believe another member's H wrote letters and put things in a box until the OC got of age to come asking about their parentage and was able to give the OC the box to explain things over the years. That would be of course you all's choice.
Good luck with ever you decide.
I would agree with F/F and BMC, don't leave it up to question. Have your H write a letter to OC's mother explaining that he although he wishes OC no ill will he would ratheer keep thing's the way they have been. That way she can't think that her letter's were lost in the mail or something. There should be no mistaking how you and your H feel if you sending her a letter telling her how you both feel. Good luck
I'm doing alright i think... or was... We've got OC now 3-4 times a week. Which is totally cool with me. I love her very very much.
I don't think of her or am not reminded of her NOT being mine till it's time for her to go back to OW. Then it kinda slaps me in the face and it's hard. But the time she's here I love her just like mine. Till i was in the shower last night, and realized I'm leaking... breastmilk. I nursed all 5 of my children and nursed my last up until just a few months ago. I'm really suffering right now at being engorged and not being able to do anything about it. Each time i accidentally bump my boobs or something i'm reminded that the baby isn't mine. That is soooo soooo hard.
I called my midwife and she said it's normal. It happens sometimes. They don't give the shots to dry you up anymore. She told me I could pump and donate the BM or i can bind them and try to dry myself up, but that with the baby around as often as she is everytime she cries i'll probably continue to let down and engorge and stuff...........
ACK just not sure how to deal with this.. please help........
I'm sorry, that has to be rough
So I've wondered all along if this other baby of her's is my husbands. If the hospital has no DNA on file from the autopsy then the only way to get DNA would be to get a CO to exhume the baby (which we were assured our judge would NOT do). So can I live knowing that this other baby may have also been my husbands? The though pisses me off SO MUCH. Even the possibility that he was sleeping with her more than 5 years after the fact, and after our marriage (that it took me years to follow thru with).
No she has OC (she'll be six next month) telling me that her and her baby sister have the same daddy. I told H that she better hope she never see's me out in puiblic once this court stuff is settled because I swear to God I won't stop beating her until someone pulls her off me.
So how do I live and deal with the fact that I may never honestly know if this baby was H's or not. He swears he wasn't seeing her and had nothing to do with her. But I've always questioned it all due to the past and some odd things thaty were going on at the time. I don't know if this is something I can just deal with.