Thinking of you today. Hope you are holding up alright
Just waned to give you a suporting word and let you know that I think you are showing such grace and strength in this situation and you are a mother that your children can be proud of.
Actually SO (significant other), baby's mom and her mother were really nice. But right after we got there a crapload of SO's and her co-workers arrived, like literally 2-3 minutes after we walked in, and we didn't even have a chance to get our coats off.
They were being really rude, loud and obnoxious, and were making fun of me and Logan, and didn't even allow us to see the baby and wouldn't give the baby back to her own mom either. She kept asking fairly forcefully, so when you guys gonna take off, and they were saying, when we feel like it, it's not like they will kick us out. Baby mom requested to have the baby to nurse because she was awake and they were having a little trouble getting her to nurse because she's soo tired..the co workers were like, nope she' snot crying you can't have her and they were saying it kinda teasing.. KWIM.. butr they sure didn't hand the baby over.... then the teasing crap started and SO said, we're outta here we apologized to baby's mom and her mother and left.
Just going up that elevator was sooo soo hard... and when they got there they just picked the baby up from the litle bed on wheels in the corner of the room where she was sleeping at , and then they wree like SO, why are YOU here and one of them whispered to ther other one and they were like HOLY CRAP YOU"RE THE DAD and were making a hude deal out of it, and i kinda drifted off to a corner with Logan and they kept talking like i wasn't in the room.. So SO what is HER problem, is she a little anti-social or what, is she shy, is that your kid? (talking about logan), (logan doesn't like strangers) Geez looks like her anti-social stuff and shyness is catching. baby's mom you better not leave your baby around her too long or she'll end up shy too, Not a single soul even bothered to say HI and introduce themselves. SO tried his dangest to delfect them without being rude and finally they stopped.
Dang right I was shy..... and just standing there.. I'd like to see how they'd react to meeting the child their husband conceived with another woman...and then have it done in a roomfull of people. *sigh* i'm getting all worked up again... so i barely got to lay eyes on the baby, SO didn't get to even hold her, and no DNA swab got done.
Ohh not to mention about 3 of them brought their coughing kids with them... UGHHHHH i'm sure logan (my youngest) and the new baby will be coming down with something soon, and a couple of them were like... I swear she wasn't doing that at all today till we got here... umm yeah sure...*sigh*
I'm so sorry it didn't go more smoothly I hope it goes better today. Sending you much strength
WOW... just WOW.. don't really know what to say, but you are so dear to my heart and sending such strength and prayers for you...
I resally admire your FWH and you for him taking you there, and being strong enough to have both women in the same room with him, not knowing there would be other people around, and you for holding it all together so well..
I do sooo wish FWH had taken me to hospital, he was so afraid of a scene, and the reaction of OW, that he felt the need to sneak his visitations in for almost a year, with prgnancy and delivery, and visitation, until I finally figured it all out, and now things are sooo much better between us, but all that wasted time in the healing of our relationship, cause he was worried on what OW would have done in regards to the babies, he even forgot to tell me he signed the birth certificate, until after the fact of me finding out...
So I really am sooo happy for the path that you are being such a united front... It just took FWH until court to do that for me... I know WTF was I thinking...
But stay strong, the only people that matter are the ones that treat you right, and it sounds like FWH is doing that now, so be happy that he is on your side again, just awful that we do have to endure this, but I am sooo amazed that I have come to realise that this awfull thing had to happen to get us to that much better place in our togetherness, NO OC would have worked out the same, but we cant change what is done on that part, now can we, so we just move on and deal with it one day at a time...
Yesterday is history..
Tomorrow is a mystery...
Today is a gift,
that is why they call it the present...
Stay strong, and sending lots of love and prayers...
She looks just like my twins and has a particular trait from FWH that 4 out of 5 of our boys also have (it's somewhat rare too). Sooo I'm VERY confident that this is FWH's child. I did do the swab though and will mail it off tomorrow.
After I came home, I stayed with our younger kids and FWH went up to the hospital for a little while.
All in all it was a wonderful day. I'm glad to have the baby joining our family, although i wish it was under differant circumstances. I hope OW steps up to be a great mom and I hope I can be a great step mom and they we can all always come together to do what is best for ALL the kids involved. I wont' go so far as to say I'm healed, but i can say with 100% honesty.. I'm almost there i think.
Thank you ladies for all the hugs and prayers and support the last few days, it's helped sooo much i cannot put it into words :)
I didn't think so 9 months ago.. but THIS IS SURVIVABLE
You are amazing!
I'm so glad that it went so well for you. What a strong, wonderful woman you are to accept this child the way you are
Visitation will be monday through friday 11:30 am till 9 pm. Every Wed overnight, and Every sat OR Sunday.
Formal custody agreement will be 50/50 Joint physical custody which is the standard in the state of Iowa. Nether party will pay child support to the other one although FWH will carry health, dental and vision insurance on the baby. And OW will pay all deductibles and prescriptions.
I will have the baby M-F those weird hours because it's what hours OW works. IF i didn't have the baby, FWH would be responsible for half of daycare costs and we're barely keeping afloat as it is. I'm a SAHM so it's not a big deal :)
It takes a special woman to do what you are doing and although you an never be friends with OW (don't fall into that trap), at least you are both being civil for the sake of both of your children. As long as both you and your SO provide a united front and keep it about the OC with the OW, this could possibly work out for you.
Sometimes it may be hard when your look at OC, it was for me for a while, but after some time you develop a relationship with the OC that has nothing to do with who are the parents. It has a joy of it's own I know.
So I just want you to know that we are here to support you and again, I am sure that when your boys look at you, they have a mom that they can be proud of.
OW was lied to at first by FWH... her and I got along at first. Then she went psycho a little later lol. So there was a period of 6 1/2 months that there was NC between her and any of us (or very limited i guess i should say). Then when the delivery date got closer, I broke the ice and sent her email basically saying IF the baby is my hubbys, here are some things you need to watch the baby for Pyloric stenosis, reflux and all our kids are lactose intollerant. That set off a chain reaction of her and I meeting for B-fast and then led up to the delivery Monday. I still for sure dont' know how all this will work out in the long run. and I don't doubt that things could get ugly in the future but i'm hopeful that we can all act like we should and put all the kids first, no matter what crap we somestimes feel inside.
at one point, i envisioned killing her, at another i thought maybe we could be friends (i know i can't do either). The first night i went to the hospital i shook and cried all the way there. but i knew i needed to get over it, for myself and for my boys... who are SOOO excited about this baby. Then when things didn't work out I was crushed.
Then yesterday once i got there, sat with just OW, the baby, and her mom, i just felt at peace.. I can't describe it, but i hope it lasts. It was like when my g-ma was dying and i told her it was ok go.. I don't know if it's the hand of god helping (not a real big believer), but those are two time sin my life I've wondered about my non believer status LOL I said outloud when OW had to go to the bathroom.. I'm ok... i think i'm finally ok (course as i'm writing that i'm sitting here crying now LOL) but i sat there holding a beautiful baby on my lap, and looking out the hospital room window, and kinda spaced off, and i didn't envision hunting OW down like a rabid animal lol. That is how i knew I was ok....
Ack thses are some of the deepest feelings i've ever shared on this LOL
Your abiltiy to love is tremedous.. in many ways I feel my kids have missed knowing this sister out there. You are true mother. You should hold your head high. I was so lonely thinking no one else could relate... glad I found you all.
I've posted here a couple of times. Getting ready to have my son soon-34 weeks and counting! Trying to be excited but dealing with this OC and the OW clouds it all. H has told me time and again he doesn't want her but yesterday spent 4 hrs at the ER with her cause the baby was sick and may have to go with her again if he is not better. I try to just focus on hoping the baby is better but its hard to think of them doing this as a family-especially when he will not bring the baby around me at all due to the OW's reluctance and his own uncomfortableness-or so he says. I just feel like he is living two lives sometimes and I'm losing hope that this will work out. Just wanted to vent-any words of wisdom or advice is appreciated.
Mrsrod, I'm much older than you and my kids are grown--H has a 3 year old OC whom we see sporadically due to distance, but he does talk via webcam weekly. And it still is a thorn in my side after the years I've known about his infidelity. He told me as soon as she confirmed the pregnancy and decided to keep the baby.
All I can say is that I couldn't do what you're doing-H does NOT have a family with OW and OC--Oc has a family with his mother and one with us. Since OW doesn't want me around her, we see OC only, H picks him up from her in a public place or from day care, and we spend 3 days with him--not as often as H would like but the distance makes it laborious and expensive.
I know my H has deep and wrenching feelings about not being a father to OC, and this has impacted on our reconciliation. He's done so much, but this experience has affected him (and me) in profound ways that have changed things--don't think we'll ever have a normal growing old together and all that. It's stressful, but I've decided to stay and work on the M--which is pretty ok day to day, just not what I'd expected of my "golden years".
My advice is only to do what is comfortable and beneficial for YOU and your M. I'm sorry that you have a "reluctant" OW--but she has no say over whether H shares his visitation time with OC with his wife. He's trying to please everyone (I know about that!) and his first loyalty is to you--easy to say, hard to demand.
He is living two lives, and spending time with OW makes it something that isn't feasible in the long run--or wouldn't be to me. I chafe at the time they spend talking on the phone or whatever as it is--but I've been lucky in that they've never spent time alone with just the 3 of them since he told me. Something I was able to demand and get--though it took LOTS of negotiations and tears and slow processes with OW. It sucks.
Kid is cute though and we get along--
Keep posting, lots of different viewpoints here and you'll get lots of good ideas and support.
This sends the wrong message IMO. And yes he is living 2 lives. I hope that you can work this out and do what is best for everyone involved, but especially for you.
We are both really dreading this--impacts on our own R I think in some ways--lots of anxiety for me and anxiety and guilt for him.
Any stories would be welcome.