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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beajus - how did things go tonight? I bet you are exhausted after today - mentally, physically, and emotionally.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
gettingthere2008
♀ Member
Member # 20427
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling your pain....but, sweetie, take her brothers to see her with your SO, it will speak volumes to her family. They will have to acknowledge her brothers...and their Mama!! GT


BS, FWH mid 50's
FWH EA 2 yrs off & on
Recovering nicely, for the last 3 yrs.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Far away from Limbo.
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((beajus))))

Thinking of you today. Hope you are holding up alright


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Beajus))

Just waned to give you a suporting word and let you know that I think you are showing such grace and strength in this situation and you are a mother that your children can be proud of.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what happened last night. I'm headed up tot he hospital again in a few minutes

Actually SO (significant other), baby's mom and her mother were really nice. But right after we got there a crapload of SO's and her co-workers arrived, like literally 2-3 minutes after we walked in, and we didn't even have a chance to get our coats off.

They were being really rude, loud and obnoxious, and were making fun of me and Logan, and didn't even allow us to see the baby and wouldn't give the baby back to her own mom either. She kept asking fairly forcefully, so when you guys gonna take off, and they were saying, when we feel like it, it's not like they will kick us out. Baby mom requested to have the baby to nurse because she was awake and they were having a little trouble getting her to nurse because she's soo tired..the co workers were like, nope she' snot crying you can't have her and they were saying it kinda teasing.. KWIM.. butr they sure didn't hand the baby over.... then the teasing crap started and SO said, we're outta here we apologized to baby's mom and her mother and left.

Just going up that elevator was sooo soo hard... and when they got there they just picked the baby up from the litle bed on wheels in the corner of the room where she was sleeping at , and then they wree like SO, why are YOU here and one of them whispered to ther other one and they were like HOLY CRAP YOU"RE THE DAD and were making a hude deal out of it, and i kinda drifted off to a corner with Logan and they kept talking like i wasn't in the room.. So SO what is HER problem, is she a little anti-social or what, is she shy, is that your kid? (talking about logan), (logan doesn't like strangers) Geez looks like her anti-social stuff and shyness is catching. baby's mom you better not leave your baby around her too long or she'll end up shy too, Not a single soul even bothered to say HI and introduce themselves. SO tried his dangest to delfect them without being rude and finally they stopped.

Dang right I was shy..... and just standing there.. I'd like to see how they'd react to meeting the child their husband conceived with another woman...and then have it done in a roomfull of people. *sigh* i'm getting all worked up again... so i barely got to lay eyes on the baby, SO didn't get to even hold her, and no DNA swab got done.

Ohh not to mention about 3 of them brought their coughing kids with them... UGHHHHH i'm sure logan (my youngest) and the new baby will be coming down with something soon, and a couple of them were like... I swear she wasn't doing that at all today till we got here... umm yeah sure...*sigh*


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a bunch of completely inconsiderate jackasses!!!

I'm so sorry it didn't go more smoothly I hope it goes better today. Sending you much strength


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((beajus))

WOW... just WOW.. don't really know what to say, but you are so dear to my heart and sending such strength and prayers for you...

I resally admire your FWH and you for him taking you there, and being strong enough to have both women in the same room with him, not knowing there would be other people around, and you for holding it all together so well..

I do sooo wish FWH had taken me to hospital, he was so afraid of a scene, and the reaction of OW, that he felt the need to sneak his visitations in for almost a year, with prgnancy and delivery, and visitation, until I finally figured it all out, and now things are sooo much better between us, but all that wasted time in the healing of our relationship, cause he was worried on what OW would have done in regards to the babies, he even forgot to tell me he signed the birth certificate, until after the fact of me finding out...

So I really am sooo happy for the path that you are being such a united front... It just took FWH until court to do that for me... I know WTF was I thinking...

But stay strong, the only people that matter are the ones that treat you right, and it sounds like FWH is doing that now, so be happy that he is on your side again, just awful that we do have to endure this, but I am sooo amazed that I have come to realise that this awfull thing had to happen to get us to that much better place in our togetherness, NO OC would have worked out the same, but we cant change what is done on that part, now can we, so we just move on and deal with it one day at a time...

Yesterday is history..
Tomorrow is a mystery...
Today is a gift,
that is why they call it the present...

Stay strong, and sending lots of love and prayers...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went back up today alone and visited with OW and her mom and OC for an hour and half or so. I got to hold the baby for a very long time and it made me feel good :) She's soo beautiful.
OW's mother joked that despite FWH's other short comings, he makes beautiful babies and I had to agree.
We had a nice time visiting and talking, etc..
We iddn't talk about affair related stuff, just "normal" stuff like what a rip off those first baby pics the hospital offers are LOL.

She looks just like my twins and has a particular trait from FWH that 4 out of 5 of our boys also have (it's somewhat rare too). Sooo I'm VERY confident that this is FWH's child. I did do the swab though and will mail it off tomorrow.
After I came home, I stayed with our younger kids and FWH went up to the hospital for a little while.

All in all it was a wonderful day. I'm glad to have the baby joining our family, although i wish it was under differant circumstances. I hope OW steps up to be a great mom and I hope I can be a great step mom and they we can all always come together to do what is best for ALL the kids involved. I wont' go so far as to say I'm healed, but i can say with 100% honesty.. I'm almost there i think.

Thank you ladies for all the hugs and prayers and support the last few days, it's helped sooo much i cannot put it into words :)

I didn't think so 9 months ago.. but THIS IS SURVIVABLE

Love,
Lindsay


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((beajus)))))

You are amazing!

I'm so glad that it went so well for you. What a strong, wonderful woman you are to accept this child the way you are


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks auntcis!!!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone pm'ed me and asked me about child support and visitation... i thought others might be wondering too..
here is part of my response

Visitation will be monday through friday 11:30 am till 9 pm. Every Wed overnight, and Every sat OR Sunday.
Formal custody agreement will be 50/50 Joint physical custody which is the standard in the state of Iowa. Nether party will pay child support to the other one although FWH will carry health, dental and vision insurance on the baby. And OW will pay all deductibles and prescriptions.
I will have the baby M-F those weird hours because it's what hours OW works. IF i didn't have the baby, FWH would be responsible for half of daycare costs and we're barely keeping afloat as it is. I'm a SAHM so it's not a big deal :)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Beajus,

It takes a special woman to do what you are doing and although you an never be friends with OW (don't fall into that trap), at least you are both being civil for the sake of both of your children. As long as both you and your SO provide a united front and keep it about the OC with the OW, this could possibly work out for you.

Sometimes it may be hard when your look at OC, it was for me for a while, but after some time you develop a relationship with the OC that has nothing to do with who are the parents. It has a joy of it's own I know.

So I just want you to know that we are here to support you and again, I am sure that when your boys look at you, they have a mom that they can be proud of.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BMC :)
I just shared some feelings through PM that i wanted to put here too for people reading but not posting....

OW was lied to at first by FWH... her and I got along at first. Then she went psycho a little later lol. So there was a period of 6 1/2 months that there was NC between her and any of us (or very limited i guess i should say). Then when the delivery date got closer, I broke the ice and sent her email basically saying IF the baby is my hubbys, here are some things you need to watch the baby for Pyloric stenosis, reflux and all our kids are lactose intollerant. That set off a chain reaction of her and I meeting for B-fast and then led up to the delivery Monday. I still for sure dont' know how all this will work out in the long run. and I don't doubt that things could get ugly in the future but i'm hopeful that we can all act like we should and put all the kids first, no matter what crap we somestimes feel inside.

at one point, i envisioned killing her, at another i thought maybe we could be friends (i know i can't do either). The first night i went to the hospital i shook and cried all the way there. but i knew i needed to get over it, for myself and for my boys... who are SOOO excited about this baby. Then when things didn't work out I was crushed.
Then yesterday once i got there, sat with just OW, the baby, and her mom, i just felt at peace.. I can't describe it, but i hope it lasts. It was like when my g-ma was dying and i told her it was ok go.. I don't know if it's the hand of god helping (not a real big believer), but those are two time sin my life I've wondered about my non believer status LOL I said outloud when OW had to go to the bathroom.. I'm ok... i think i'm finally ok (course as i'm writing that i'm sitting here crying now LOL) but i sat there holding a beautiful baby on my lap, and looking out the hospital room window, and kinda spaced off, and i didn't envision hunting OW down like a rabid animal lol. That is how i knew I was ok....

Ack thses are some of the deepest feelings i've ever shared on this LOL


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
holdingon08
♀ Member
Member # 23090
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all... I did not realize this was here. Your story inspires me. MY OW had a child back 5 years ago, I just found it all out in October. The A was over before she even knew she was pregnant. The OW wanted to keep it and told her H it was his.... drama. Their M fell apart and all the truth spilled out last fall. Funny how that happens.

Your abiltiy to love is tremedous.. in many ways I feel my kids have missed knowing this sister out there. You are true mother. You should hold your head high. I was so lonely thinking no one else could relate... glad I found you all.


Me--BS
Him--WS
Married 11 years
3 children

Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Northeast
mrsrod49
♀ New Member
Member # 22556
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,

I've posted here a couple of times. Getting ready to have my son soon-34 weeks and counting! Trying to be excited but dealing with this OC and the OW clouds it all. H has told me time and again he doesn't want her but yesterday spent 4 hrs at the ER with her cause the baby was sick and may have to go with her again if he is not better. I try to just focus on hoping the baby is better but its hard to think of them doing this as a family-especially when he will not bring the baby around me at all due to the OW's reluctance and his own uncomfortableness-or so he says. I just feel like he is living two lives sometimes and I'm losing hope that this will work out. Just wanted to vent-any words of wisdom or advice is appreciated.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jan 2009
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome mrsrod and all newbies. I haven't posted in ages but do read often and feel for all of us.

Mrsrod, I'm much older than you and my kids are grown--H has a 3 year old OC whom we see sporadically due to distance, but he does talk via webcam weekly. And it still is a thorn in my side after the years I've known about his infidelity. He told me as soon as she confirmed the pregnancy and decided to keep the baby.

All I can say is that I couldn't do what you're doing-H does NOT have a family with OW and OC--Oc has a family with his mother and one with us. Since OW doesn't want me around her, we see OC only, H picks him up from her in a public place or from day care, and we spend 3 days with him--not as often as H would like but the distance makes it laborious and expensive.

I know my H has deep and wrenching feelings about not being a father to OC, and this has impacted on our reconciliation. He's done so much, but this experience has affected him (and me) in profound ways that have changed things--don't think we'll ever have a normal growing old together and all that. It's stressful, but I've decided to stay and work on the M--which is pretty ok day to day, just not what I'd expected of my "golden years".

My advice is only to do what is comfortable and beneficial for YOU and your M. I'm sorry that you have a "reluctant" OW--but she has no say over whether H shares his visitation time with OC with his wife. He's trying to please everyone (I know about that!) and his first loyalty is to you--easy to say, hard to demand.

He is living two lives, and spending time with OW makes it something that isn't feasible in the long run--or wouldn't be to me. I chafe at the time they spend talking on the phone or whatever as it is--but I've been lucky in that they've never spent time alone with just the 3 of them since he told me. Something I was able to demand and get--though it took LOTS of negotiations and tears and slow processes with OW. It sucks.

Kid is cute though and we get along--

Keep posting, lots of different viewpoints here and you'll get lots of good ideas and support.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrsrod: I really think you need to let him know that you are not okay with the situation as is. She cannot decide if you are around the OC or not. He is entitled to his parenting time as well. He needs to stand up for you and be there for his child if he/you want, but he does not need to be there for her. I'm sorry - I hope you are able to work this out with him.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrs.rod I agree, he is disrespecting you with this situation. He is not showing a united front if he is letting her dicitate when and who can be around OC. Should he be a the hospital, yes, but I think he should have the support of his wife and I don't think he should be there for long periods of time with OW.

This sends the wrong message IMO. And yes he is living 2 lives. I hope that you can work this out and do what is best for everyone involved, but especially for you.

Hugs


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone tell me about their experiences telling their adult children about OC. Believe it or not, we still haven't done this--so easy to not do it when OC is two continents away. And 2 of our kids aren't close by to wonder where we are when we do visit OC.

We are both really dreading this--impacts on our own R I think in some ways--lots of anxiety for me and anxiety and guilt for him.

Any stories would be welcome.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had first "visit" with OC. OW called Sat. morning at 7 and asked us to come get her because she was tired and run down. We said sure. I went to pick her up. FWH stayed home. It was a hard drive. But it went ok. The boys were SOOOO excited it was hard to be sad or reflective or anything when we got home. Their excitement was contagious lol. OW didn't tell us at first hwo long she wanted us to keep her. Just said she'd call and I was ok with that. Then later she called and said she had the pukies, and her roommates had confirmed strep throat. Then a couple hours after that she said she wanted the baby to come home. FWH called her (i asked him to instead of me talking to her about this stuff) and told her he didn't tihnk it was a good idea. So she said Ok keep her, so we had her overnight. She's soo cute :) Anyway OW wasn't feeling well today still but wanted the baby back so i had SO drop her off this mroning around 10. (we're having a blizzard yes i know it's april UGHH and i didn't want to drive in that stuff LOL). drop off went well. He didn't go in the house. Just stood at the front door. She asked us to take the baby next weekend and FWH said probably let me check with Lindsay first. So i thought that was nice and I'm totally fine with her coming next weekend. I will admit i was really sad to see her go and the boys cried, they were scared they wouldn't ever see her again and I told them that they would. FWH was a little emotional too.
We switched off feedings just like with our own kids and it was nice to hold and snuggle such a little baby again. It made me smile.
This is a hard road to travel though. Lots of emotions creeping just around the corner.
Anyway there is an update on us lol


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
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