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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis...... I am so sorry things are not working out! You are such a nice person and I hate you going thru this! I will keep you in my prayers.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,
I am little sad today and I thought posting might help. My WH comes to me today and says OW asks "Do you ever think about us?" and he says he told her it is never going to happen. But I have a strong feeling that he was trying to get me off my 180 to try to talk about the relationship. He has been really different lately with me, he has been paying alot of attention to me and trying to do all kinds of nice things. But I know it is all smoke, but I wish it wasn't. I miss him and I hate what he has done to our family. I am not the person I use to be. I use to just be a doormat and now I am saying what I want and doing what I want. He even tried to tell me he wants us to have another child. I swear this is so hard. I love him and wish the way he has been acting is sincere. But I know that he will never go NC, and he can not be trusted with my heart again. The pain of this betrayal and the other losses I have had is too much sometimes. I hide to cry so he does not know how much I care for him, I don't feel he deserves to see my true feelings. Sometimes I ask myself what could I of done to prevent this. I wish we could turn our emotions and feelings off like a faucet. Thanks for listening again.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((hellokitty)))))

I'm sorry you are having a rough day


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hellokitty),sorry that you are having a hard time. Just pay attention to your gut feeling which it sounds like you are doing.

This will pass. We are here for you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer1:

WH's visitation is completely different than helping OW in & out of car w/twins. I am still struggling myself after years, but I suggest he maintain NC w/OW. Our daycare helps a woman w/twins out every day (as I see her during summer when my older kids go there). There's no reason WH has to be helping her. Her time w/twins is hers....his is his (if he's having visitation). Would you expect OW to come to ur house & help WH get them out-of-car? One baby can go in a Snuggli on her chest & one in her arms...I'm sure a daycare worker would open the door for her. How do regular women get 2 kids into daycare (maybe a toddler & infant)....by themself!!!!!

There was no real reason to put 2OC into daycare next to WH, except to cause trouble (either continued contact or stress 4 you).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
scared_unsure
♀ New Member
Member # 23296
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I am new here, have been reading along for a few weeks, and have been comforted by the stories of all the strong people here. But it breaks my heart to see so many good people in this position.

I do not know what to do. This is my story. My H and I have been married 20+ years and we have two teenagers together. About five years ago, my H told me that he had had several PAs over the years, and that he was "in love" with an OW. We tried MC, he went NC with the OW, but after several months of that he moved out and said he wanted to be with OW.

I do not know exactly what happened next, then, but a few months after he moved out he asked to come back. He said he was truly sorry, that he loved me, that he wanted our family life back, that it was really over with OW. OW was living across the country at the time, and she married someone else. Again, this was about five years ago. My H and I renewed our vows and things were better than they had been in a long time.

Just a few weeks ago, my H came to me and said that he had "fallen off the wagon" with the SAME OW from back then. She is now divorced and lives in our city again (I did not know this). My H told me again how sorry he was, how it was a mistake.

The reason I am posting in this thread is that OW is pregnant, and my H says she is telling him the baby is his. She's due very soon, like in the next couple of weeks. My H has known about the pregnancy from the very beginning, but did not tell me about it until a couple of weeks ago. :( He says he begged her to get an abortion and that he has had NC with her since the pregnancy was told to him last summer. He also says there is a strong chance the baby is not his.

I know the basic "rules" here if you will, for example I know to do nothing about CS without getting a DNA test.

What I don't know is what on Earth I am supposed to do, or to think. My H already left once for this OW several years ago, and he swore he had changed. Now he is saying this was a one-time mistake and that he loves me and he can't imagine leaving our family, but how am *I* supposed to feel? I don't know if I can ever trust him again, I don't know if he is worth staying married to, and most of all I don't know how in the world I will be able to live with him if he has a child with this OW.

Any help or perspective would be wonderful. Love to all of you.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2009
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((scared_unsure)))))

First off sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

It is so hard to give advice in this situation cause each of us has our own limits to what we can handle KWIM. We all need to figure out in our own situation what to do, and how much our own H's are willing to do to make it work is a BIG factor. Some of us go NC with OC, some have visitation it is really up to you and your H to decide.

That being said I would say that your H should go full NC with OW until OC is born and DNA test can be done. There is NO reason for them to have any contact until the test proves him to be the father.Please make sure all testing is done through the courts or it may not be admissable in a court setting. In the mean time you and your H should try some MC, it can really help if you are both willing. If you can iron out some issues between the 2 of you before OC arrives it will be much easier to be a united front in court and any dealings with OW. I hope this helps a little. This thread can be a little slow sometimes, but please don't let that stop you from posting, someone will give you a response eventually Also feel free to PM me anytime you have a question.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scared_unsure:

So sorry you ended up here, like so many of us.

I myself have had to deal with 3 As w/same OW. 2nd A caused OC. But, at any point during the 3 As, OW could have ended up pregnant (as they were trying to get her pregnant during A1 & A2, but he was stupid enough to think that OW couldn't get pregnant during A3 because of his paraplegia...still a slight, but possible reality).

Anyway, I don't know about your WH, but as far as OW is concerned in my case...I will NEVER EVER be able to trust WH & OW alone together, or having any contact. OW does everything in her power to tempt WH...and, if we have any marital issues going on...they get very far out of proportion & he thinks A is only choice to make him happy. Yes, we need MC...but, due to layoffs & costs, we cannot afford it (plus I can't afford IC again either).

I wouldn't have survived w/out IC when OC was due. I knew for abot 6 months before OC was born that it "may" be his. Yea, he was pretty sure it was his, but he said he never wanted anyone to abort his child....I am pro-life, but I kept wishing she may do it...or miscarry....I guess GOD wanted OC here.

Repeated affairs w/same OW are hard enough, but having 2 deal w/OW all the time is no picnic...especially after a 3rd affair was revealed. My grief over OC's birth had subsided after many-many years, only to bring back all the same pain etc...after the trickle truths about A1 & A2 had been revealed.

I stayed 3 times. This one is actually the hardest....I guess after A2, I had a lot of time with them NC & our marriage had gotten stronger b4 DNA came back positive. Then, I was so far in-love w/him again...I didn't know what to expect after OC was born.

Actually, A3 really caught me off-guard & when I suspected it...I kept telling myself that after all we've been through, he'd never do it again....he'd never swear on his children's & mother's life that there was no PA going on...but, he did....


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared,

AuntCis really has hit the nail on the head. It really is up to you to decide what you can live with. My suggestion, go back to Pg.9 of this thread and read some good suggestions and advice on how to protect yourself and your family in this situation.

My best advice, know what you are dealing with. There is still a possbility that OC is not your H's, but there is a possiblity that it is. Be prepared for both situations. We are here for you if you need to talk or need extra support. And feel free to PM me as well if you need it.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
scared_unsure
♀ New Member
Member # 23296
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your replies, auntcis, repeatBS326, and BMC0415. I am sorry there are so many of us facing this.

I did take your advice BMC0415 and read the OC Handbook on page 9. I am making my way through the rest of the thread. I just can't believe this is happening to me, to my life?

You and auntcis are both right, I know, that nobody can decide for me what I can or "should" be able to handle. It's just that I never thought I could ever be in a situation like this and I don't have any idea what to feel.

repeatBS326, a lot of what you wrote really hit home. I am so sorry you have been through multiple As with the same OW. I keep wondering if I would feel differently if this were happening with a different OW? In some ways I think it is worse that it's the same OW. Like, what is so great about her?? But then again I think, at least it's the "devil I know" and not YET ANOTHER OW. I don't even know anymore.

Thank you all for your advice about NC, IC, and the rest. I know I need to get back into IC.

My head right now is just spinning...what if this is his child? How am I going to tell my children? I know there are no answers right now. Thank you all again.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2009
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is in labor.. i thought i was emotionally and mentally prepared for this.. but i'm not..


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huggsss Bea!


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((beajus)))))

You WILL make it through this. We are here for you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had a question for everyone on here. Is there anyone whose h was able to sign his rights away? If so, this question is directed towards you.
I am just curious, according to ow h doesn't have any legal rights to the oc because he didn't sign the birth certificate. In order for him to get legal rights we would have to take her to court just to get her to hand over the birth certificate and then take her to court again to fight about visitation because then he would have legal rights. H doesn't want to do any of that and wants to remain nc. My concern is that what if several years go down the road, ow marries a man, and the man wants to adopt the oc as being his? Since h didn't sign the birth certificate, will the courts (if she ever gets married) send him a notice to sign his rights over even if he has none? Or will they just let the guy sign the birth certificate without contacting us at all. I just don't want to hear from her several years down the road thats all. I'm trying to eliminate all possibility of us ever hearing from her again.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beajus: I'm so sorry! I don't think you can ever be ready for this.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dust,
In our state, once the man is established as the child's father either through paternity tests or by admission, they are automatically added onto the birth certificate. That is what our attorney told us.
You might want to check with a lawyer and see what they say
(hug)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beajus, I am thinking about you today.

Dust, your H does not have to be on the birth certificate to be the legal father because you had a legal DNA test thru the state or the court and he is paying CS. Check with your state because I know Florida is screwy. Good Luck on that.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:
I'm the member of a step parenting board who have been VERy supportive of me and the situation, even my FWH :) and have run into som eother women doing the same dance we all are....

Since it was late at night i posted there looking for live people to talk to LOL I was just sobbing uncontrolably last night, and FWh and I were fighting... it was a mess...

Anyway here is the updates i posted there... too tired tihs morning to retype everything all out...

The mother of SO's baby is in labor she's pretty sure. contractions 11 min apart and lasting about 30 sec. each.

She wants SO at the birth, he doesn't want to be there, and I'm on the fence... knowing their hirstory i think if he goes I'll feel very hurt knowing he's alone with her (and yes i realize there will be NO hanky panky but still) OTOH he cut the cords on all our children and took all their first pics, doesn't this baby deserve the same thing?

I kinda feel like she slept with a practically married man, she shouldn't expect his support during labor and delivery .. OTOH I couldn't imagine going through labor without the father of my child there...

I don't know anything right now, and am just a puddle of tears

Do i push him to go to the delivery??

Do i stay out of it and let him stay with his decision to not go

Then later:
We're gonna go to bed. After my last chat with her, she said she was gonna get off and walk a little as things were slowing down. I told her to keep us updated. That if she needed anything to call or msg. After an hour of not hearing anything both So and I tried calling her and she won't answer the phone or any txt messages. It's been another hour or so since then and still nothing. We cannot stay up all night, so both our phones are on and I'm gonna go to bed, i'm sure SO will be right behind me :)


Thanks for all the in put. SO has said that he really really just doesn't want anything to do with her family plus he's worried one of their co-workers might be there and doesn't want things getting around at work and he says that he worries that it will hurt me and says he's done enough of that. I swore to him that i won't be hurt if he goes. He doesn't believe me. Says he'll make a final decision when it's actually go time and she is actually at the hospital in active labor.


Then this morning:

No calls or anything overnight,SO tried to call her this morning before he left for work, and she didnt' answer. So we have no clue what is going on.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JMO, not answering the phone or texts may be a ploy to get him to come over and be involved even if he doesn't want to be. If there is a 3rd party who can tell you and your SO what is going on, that would probably be best for all involved.

I feel that you have gone above and beyond what you should have done and there is a point where you are not her sister or even friend. It shows me that you are a very caring person. Nothing wrong with that, just don't get yourself caught up with OW situation. I had to learn the hard way that it is hard to sit back and not control things that are affecting your life, but sometimes that what you have to do. As far as your SO, I would not push him to do anything, let him decide if he wants to be there or not, you have already told him that it would not bother you (a little white lie I am sure). I think that you have your own kids to think about right now, and there is still time to sort this out.

I hope all goes okay and we are here for you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx :)

Her friends said they haven't heard anything from her.. FWH asked at work. We think either A) she's trying to get attention and is sitting on her ass at home ignoring the phone and computer
B) She took off to her mom's hometown to have the baby so we can't find her
or C) there has been some sort of really bad complication....

*sigh* i hate not being the one in control.. it bothers me badly..


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
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