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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrsrod49, despite the situation I ended up in, I still believe in marriage. but I am also realistic and know that it takes TWO equally committed people to be in a happy marriage. if your H is secretly talking and seeing OW/OC, isn't he choosing them over your marriage? That's how I saw it when I found out my H was sneaking around, hense the false R. For me it was the fact that he refused not share that whole side of his life with me, as I would've never banned him from seeing OC. he is a man with 2 families. if he refuses to choose, you can choose for him.


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got an email from OW today. She is pregnant by her new H so now they don't think they will be able to afford the adoption until mid-summer She still wants my H to sign papers to have the religious ceremony done, and now we find out that my H Grandfather will be performing the ceremony cause he is a high up in thier church

Now I need to figure out a way to tell OW flat out that my H will NOT give permission for the ceremony unless she figures out a way that he no longer has to pay CS before the adoption is complete, and not make it sound like blackmail

If she thinks that she is going to just move on with her new happy little life and still get money from us she has another thing coming!!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy its just never ends! I am sure that there is a diplomatic way to inform her that your H will not sign anything unless his financial obligation to OC is terminated.

Your H's grandfather, he is ok with performing this ceremony?

Boy she is pregnant, oh happy day!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC, I don't even know if my H Grandfather even knows of the OC's existence, much less that he is performing a religious ceremony sealing her to another man! I think my H family has kept OC secret from his Grandparents H has even asked me not to say anything about the adoption to his family members cause he thinks they will be pissed about it. So he figures they will find out in due time, hopefully after the adoption is complete

Oh yeah, and I think OW is just trying to make sure that she has her hooks dug deep into her new H, because with this new baby they will have 6 kids between the 2 of them!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to write an email to OW reguarding her request for my H consent on the ceremony rather than calling her so we didn't end up in an argument. Let me know what you think

****** and I have dicussed your request to sign a consent form to have OC sealed to your husband. We have agreed that, that is not something he is willing to do before the adoption is final. We feel it is a little much for you to ask for ****** to sever all spirtual ties to OC, yet expect him to continue to contribute to her financial support. We are glad that OC has formed a bond with your husband and has found someone to fill the shoes of father in her life. But we feel it is unfair that you all get to move on with your lives and with the burden of CS we can not completely move on with ours. If you can find a way to file papers with the state to obsolve ****** of is financial obligation before the adoption is complete he will consider signing the consent form then. Let us know how you want to proceed.


There may be a word or two that are slightly different in the actual email I sent her, but that was basically what it said. Any opinions?


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW thinks we are being selfish and is hurt by the fact that my H won't sign a consent for the ceremony! Can you believe the gall?!

I hope we ruined her day


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some Nerve!

Stick to your guns, I wouldn't sign nothing.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh trust me we won't, not until the adoption is final


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
trouble
♀ New Member
Member # 22848
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very sorry if this is long. I am just really confused and don't know what to do or how to handle this situation.
I have only been married to my WH for 42 days. We have been together for 7 years.
I found out 17 months ago that he was seeing the OW because he had to come and tell me that she was pregnant with his child. I told him to leave, to go and be with her. I wanted no part of him. He did and shortly thereafter begged me to take him back he was sorry he wanted to make it work. He loved me.
I told him to get his own apartment which he promptly did. Things were going better.
The baby was born and he was there for the delivery but immediately after came to me, he didn't stay at the hospital with her.
Then I found texts from them saying I love you, I miss you, blah blah blah. I told him I was done. I wasn't going through this with him.
He asked me to marry him, to let him prove that he is committed to me, that the texts weren't really to her they were about the baby. I guess I was just dumb and believed him. I wanted to believe him. So, he says marry me or it's over, I don't want to give up 7 years so I say yes and 2 weeks later we get married.
Since then I can't seem to get past the OW. I can't stand it when he picks up/drops off the baby. Last wednesday his phone rang and he didn't answer. when I asked who it was he said he didn't know. when i confronted him and told him i knew it was her, he said no it was a friend of his that needed work done on his car and he didn't want to do it so he didn't answer. i told him i knew it was her and he was lying. he finally admitted it was her. i asked him why he didn't answer. he never talks to her when i am around. he says it's cos he doesn't want drama. WTF???? what does he think he created???? I then find out he talks to her "at least once a day" but "only about the baby".
Anyway, today i told him NC with the OW, and i want a letter sent to her saying that, and I want to be there when he picks up/drops off his son, or have someone else do it. He says no!!! That's the mother of his child and he won't do that. I really think we just need to end things. I am tired of my feelings being second to hers because she is a whore who trapped him with a baby.
Any thoughts? Should I continue to tell him NC or its over?


me-BS-38
him-WS-32
Dday-9/13/07
2nd time-6/14/09

Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: pa
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your situation, trouble. I don't post much cuz nothing's changed around here, but there's an OC in our situation as well as a neurotic OW.

The best advice is of course NC with OW if you have contact with the child. Of course, we haven't followed that advice--in our case cuz H is afraid of OW refusing access to OC if he pushes too many of her neurotic buttons. We aren't going through the courts cuz OC is 6000 miles away so we don't have that leverage.

So you're not alone. I read some of your other posts, and I do think you're expecting too much of yourself and that your H is expecting too much of you as well. Contact involves drama which has to be dealt with--negotiations are constant and also involve drama and tears. Plus you're just starting to deal with the infidelity itself, let alone the OC. If you read enough around here, it's said that getting through the fallout of infidelity can take between 2 and 5 years, with a remorseful spouse and NC--it's different with an OC, makes it never ending in a way.

Which is why you have to set clear and firm boundaries--one of ours is no talking to OW without me there--which is tough cuz of the time zone differences, and I still will never completely trust that there aren't calls I don't know about--that trust is lost forever.

Another is pick-up and drop-off are in a public place (since OW is crazy and goes off the rails if I'm there--we tried it for a few visits and she finally couldn't take it)--never any visiting at their apartment until the day I come along!! A third party is a good idea if it's possible.

I know I've done things for which I get 2X4's aimed at me--but you have to decide what's best in your own situation. For me, it's working as well as can be expected--I'm old, we have a family we're trying to hold together after the kids find out, we have a good life day-to-day, and after 30 years our lives are so intertwined that I can't deal with thinking of separating, OC is far away. It's good enough for me.

If I were in your situation, I guess I would wonder about just leaving--but I think you could try to work out ways to deal that are ok for YOU, and if H doesn't cooperate, then you could consider getting out.

I could write a book about dealing with our situation, and it involves a lot of compromises, and heartache that never really goes away--only you can decide what you can do, can demand, can live with.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
trouble
♀ New Member
Member # 22848
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for your insight 25wimsey. As I have said in previous posts I feel very alone in this.
At this point I have given my husband 2 choices. NC with OW UNLESS it specifically involves OC, or I am done. I feel like I am literally going insane. I start IC on Wednesday, because of the amount of time the affair went on before I really knew what was going on, and because of the OC, and because I am so stressed out I think it is for the best. I told him that I love him with all my heart and I do, I just can't handle the suspicions anymore. I am tired. I hate my life. I hate the OW and most days I wish and hope and pray that she would just drop dead so that she would be out of our lives forever. Knowing that for the rest of my life I am going to have to live with what they did is hard. It seems to have really gotten bad for me over the past 2 weeks though. I can't seem to think of anything else.
We have the OC every weekend. I take care of him for the most part when he is here. I don't usually mind, but last weekend and this weekend I felt some resentment building up and I DO NOT want to take this out on an innocent child. This isn't his fault.
I have started to remove myself slightly from things I used to do for him. Now I make H help out more. I just keep thinking maybe I deserve better than this. But I am not sure how to let go.
As for the OW being neurotic, you hit the nail on the head. She is a sleezeball. Personally I think the OC should be with me and H because she can't take care of him. She doesn't even have a home of her own, and has 4 kids and lives off welfare. Too bad WH didn't think to wrap it up before he put us both in this position.
It seems to me that WH is afraid of her, for the same reasons you mentioned. She has told him she will not let him see his son. But dammit if it was so important to him I think we should go for full custody. No doubt we would win. I find myself wondering if there is not some other reason he won't do it.
I don't know. I really need to make up my mind about whether to stay or to go though.


me-BS-38
him-WS-32
Dday-9/13/07
2nd time-6/14/09

Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: pa
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis-

I do not think you could have written you letter more eloquently. I do not understand how she has the nerve to say she is "hurt" your husband will not sign the paper... why give up his "spiritual right" to a child he still has to support financially? She is rediculous!


Well, we had quite the blow this weekend. H got his first check from his new job with CS taken out for both OC and his daughter(s) from a previous marriage. He cried. I almost threw up. He had much less than we expected. He works his ASS OFF 10 hours a day for 4 days a week, out of town, and then goes to unpaid classes for 2 days, then gets to drive home for 1 day. For all of this, he 80 hour check was $346. And the real stinger is, that they took 50% of his check and it didn't even cover his CS, so more $ was tacked onto back CS for OC. (They can only legally take 50% of every paycheck, right off the top).

We of course are having the CS amount modified, as when OC was born, he was making around 35% more an hour than he is now (he was laid off from that job, as the company went under- we both worked there for years) and they automatically entered the "support amount" as though he was still making that amount(and their are other issues, like we found out the amount for his Ds from his previous marriage is so high because exwife is claiming stepD20 is "attending school", and she is not, and is married). However, the modification will take at least until this summer. And our baby is due in May.

So, our only option is to put our things in storage, and for me to stay with friends until this is all sorted out. I am having to find homes for both of my cats and my dog, and stay with friends in their spare bedroom, and hope we have enough $ to live on our own when the baby comes. I feel like such a burden. My friend has twin two year olds, and is trying to put her marriage back together after her H cheated and almost had an OC.

My heart is so heavy right now. I am considering filing for separation so that I will get more of a credit for child support. I am going to contact a legal aid lawyer soon. Of course we are currently in different cities, so we will be physically separated, however, from what I hear, our state is "pretty good" and should give H a credit on his CS for our child.

I hate this. I just keep thinking "a condom would have been so much cheaper, you idiot".


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((want2help)))))

Hon I am so sorry this is happening to you The financial burden that this situation puts on us makes it all the more difficult to R, cause money issues cause so many arguments. And it is so hard for our H's to work so hard and see all that money disappear and then have to try and break the news of a pitiful paycheck to us on top of it This entire situation sucks, there is just no other way to put it H and I sat down one time and we figured that 18 years of CS plus what he had to repay the state for OC birth and our lawyer cost us in the ballpark of $100,000. I'm thinking a friggin condom would have been a hell of a lot cheaper


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am kind in in the dumps today. We still haven't got a court date yet.So lawyer is urging H to be nice to OW until papers can be served. OW on cloud nine she literally have text my H 30 times in two day! She text him last night and told him that she told her caseworker that she do not want any CS from my H because H helps her take care of OC. I was wondering if anyone know if you get welfare from the state can a woman tell them she do not want CS from child father? I think she running out of things to text so she just making stuff up? I am upset with the lawyer because we were NC and happy!
Trouble I think our husbands has babies by the same woman or sister.(smile) The OW in our case is also on welfare and have 4 other children!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lynne,

She is pulling your H's chain. I used to be a social worker for a couple of years. If their is a legal father proven for a child, the OW had no control of asking for anything. The CS would be to repay the State of any services paid for the OC (ie medical assistance, food stamps, AFDC). In fact if the state is the one that files, OW is listed as an interested party. She is trying anything. Just keep your head up.


Trouble, I am so sorry for you are going thru right now. The only thing I can say is nothing is going to change unless you change it, and for yourself because you can not control anyone else. You need to put down the boundaries and decide what you are willing to deal with. Only you know what that is. If your H thinks that he can fence sit, he will. Mine use to use that she is the mother of my children speech on me, and I told him if you wanted to have a child with her, you should have done it when you was not married to me. If you want to stay married to me, this is what I expect out of our relationship, your choice.

Want2help, man that really stinks I think this is what makes the OC situation so much more hurtful. When I think of how much money came away from my COM to take care of OC, it just pisses me off to no end. I am somewhat over it now because I can't change the past. But when I first found out how my whole paycheck was paying for everything while my H was giving OW money, I want to cut something off he might need in the future. All jokes aside I am so sorry that you life is being turned upside down and I will be thinking of you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW !!!

I just can't believe how much all us woman have to deal with, just because our husbands actually forgot were their branins were, they were just a little higher guys. LOL...

Well 2 more days and off to court for us, I'm getting very nervous now, Especially sence I just found out OW family has flown in from 3 states away, because her sister decided to get married here on friday, the day after our court appearance, so now I think that her family will be there for court, and I will be sitting there all by myself. That scares me.. ( Our state family court is an open court) So yes I, them, we are all able to go.

I think my FWH would not be happy if I brought along anybody for support, this is a family-private matter, he says.

I worked all day yesterday getting the A stuff in order, for court, just in case they try to discredit me in there, I will have my back up, of what she did, said, etc. to me, I will not use it, unless necessary, but it will be with me just in case, I know that if mother attends, she just might try to start a bash fest... The nice thing is we have a female judge, that does not tolerate any of this kind of stuff..

I kind of in a sort of wierd way hopes OW does try to use the children against me, so FWH cant see them, It would just back fire on her then.

Just worried, for me being by myself, with her might be having the support of her family, and here I am all alone in the court room, behind my FWH.

Well off to MC, this is stuff for todays session, along with a few other choice things, I need cleared up in my hear...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dreamer))))

You won't be alone in court, we will all be there with you in spirit


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well update..
MC went very good.. Cleared a few things up, that we were not seeing eye to eye on.

Then after that FWH gets a call from the attorney generals office, to congradulate him on being a father. WHOOOPEY..
Well they were actually calling to let him know now that court has been rescheduled to March 12, cause now it has to go before a judge, cause now they are handeling CS, Custody & visitation, all at once, We just found out this was scheduled to be a mediation process, not a hearing, but nothing in our paperwork ever said anything about a mediation, Well this is better for FWH in the long run, I believe...

Just the post poning is killing me, alright already lets get all this behind us so we can move on & I know what to expect in my marriage.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heard through the grapevine that OW may be pregnant with TWINS!

My guess is that is the reason she is wanting the ceremony before the adoption, so she can get CS still!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a wonderful woman, auntcis.

I am mad for you.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
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