I need advice. I really think my M is worth saving. However, the OC situation is going to be very difficult for me. I know there is still hope that it's not his, BUT it just seems that karma has had its way with his A and that it probably is (well, that and the fact that OW did it purposely to break us up and live the life that I have with him). Ahem...
Anyway, how do you do it? I know there are NC and Contact issues and that everyone has to choose what they are comfortable with. That's not really what I mean. I mean, how do you get past the fact that this mistake (HUGE, but still a mistake) will impact you for the rest of your life? Because if it's not custody, it will be substantial sums of child support.
I'm just concerned that things will be going well in our M in other respects, but that I will get bitter and resentful of all the money and time that we have to spend dealing with the OC. How do you get past that? Or do you? Do any of you resent it years later?
My situation is a little different at the moment as we are 18 months post D-Day.
About 16 months ago me and my H had decided to make our marriage work and we were going to have C with the OC. OW had other ideas. Kept changing her mind, then wanted CS but no contact. When we told her that we would then be applying for joint custody she panicked and told H that she thought it would be better for the OC if H had nothing to do with them. That was very hard on my H but he agreed to, for our marriage. I cannot lie, I was extremely relieved.
18 months with NC and the OW decides to approach my H while they were waiting for a train one day and ask him if he wanted to know about the OC. He wasn't prepared and was so focused on hearing how the OC was that he said yes. They had a conversation and she showed him some pictures. That was it and they went their own way. He rang and told me straight away. He understood why I was upset because we had agreed NC and could see where I was coming from with saying that if she wanted to let H know about the OC, she knows where we lives and could have written a letter. Turns out she has broken up with her on/off boyfriend and I think this is the motivation for her contact. She's lonely now.
We spoke in great depth about it and in the end he has said he will carry on with NC again. I told him I didn't want to stop him having a relationship with his daughter but I didn't know if I could cope with it. He told me in his counselling sessions he promised himself he would never make me cry again. He would never hurt me. And he had and he knew having C with OC would do that. But I still have reservations. I feel awful for the OC. My H wants to have C with her but through my feelings and the OW being a pain in the backside this is difficult. I'm worried my H will resent me for stopping him although he has stated he does and will not. He hates himself for getting in this situation. I am also dreading the next time OW decides she's feeling a bit lonely or jealous of our relationship and decides to try to C my H again.
I'm really mixed up. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.
OC in our situation is almost 12 years old and we are NC and unfortunately , no it does not go totally away There have been plenty of times when I am very resentful of my H having to take time off work to deal with court issues. Cause taking time off work means less money and that on top of CS makes thing's pretty rough sometimes. I get angry that we have to tell COM no to some thing's that they would like to do cause we just don't have the money, but we would have it if H didn't have to pay CS. But at the end of the day, to me at least, it isn't something that makes me regret staying in my marriage. It is an aggravation but the times that the issues pop up are too infrequent to make a HUGE impact on our daily lives KWIM. You kind of get into a groove where I sometimes go for days without even thinking of OC or H A at all(not recently with the adoption issue though )and it is a complete non-issue. For me it really did get easier with time, but that isn't the same result for everyone. I know that was a lot of rambling, hope it helped some
Sorry you are joining us, but welcome
My H and I are also NC with OC. We have had the conversation about him resenting me years later for him having NC with OC about a million times . In the end no matter how much we BS may not want our H to have contact with OC the choice is still our H to make. If they choose NC that is a choice that they have to live with, it is ultimately thier choice alone so they can't (or shouldn't) hold that choice over our heads. A few years ago OW contacted my H asking him to write to OC or something and she sends us a picture and a letter telling us about OC every Christmas. We accept the picture and letter, but my H wrote OW telling her not to ask him to contact OC again, he didn't feel it was fair to OC to be a sometimes parent and wanted to stay NC. It caused no problems between H and I cause it was his choice to make, see what I'm getting at? I hope this helped and didn't just confuse you more
OW told FWH that she has a BF, and then she posted on her myspace that she is enjoying time with her new man.. YEEPY...
Hopefully he is not married or fertile.. ROFLMAO..
Just great finally she will stop harassing me and FWH now...
I do not post much on SI anymore, but have been dealing with an OC situation for 2 and a half years. We are NC; H does not believe the OC are his; there has been a lot of fraud, ID theft, etcetera to bring us both to that conclusion.
But I digress. In terms of your situation ... I have some words of experience for you ... even if your plan is to reconcile (or try to reconcile) speak to an attorney regarding a legal separation ... or at the very least an emergency order of child support for your children. This is imperative, as the highest calculation of child support goes to the person who files first. Your children, although their birth order is prior to the OC, will NOT be protected financially. You, as the BS, will NOT be considered at all.
Do not accept any kind of DNA testing other than that which is done through the court. Tell your H not to sign anything ... be wary of trickery and deception.
That said ... your question of how to get through the feelings of bitterness, resentment ... I take it one day at a time. My H works very hard on our M; we present a united front to the OW whenever in her presence. We discuss all points regarding the OW and the OC - H has to be transparent in his actions as well as his thoughts.
We both work hard to create good memories now; we strive to keep the time spent dealing with the OW to an absolute minimum. As we are still dealing with the repercussions of her fraud, that can be quite challenging. Communication is key.
Good luck to you, island girl. All blessings on you & yours -- svs
How do you deal with wanting more children? We planned on having 2 babies, close together. We have the one and I couldn't wait to give our DS a little sibling to play with. I guess I didn't realize how much value I put on that as a gift that only I could give him. Now I feel like OW took that gift away from me, cheapened it, made it something that anyone could provide.
Then on the other side of it, how can I trust that if I get pregnant again that WH wont get bored with me and go looking again or heaven forbid go back to OW since she will now be in our life for good.(his affair started when I was pregnant with DS) How do you deal with 9 months of triggering with added hormones to boot?
I can't imagine bringing a baby into this mess right now, I know I'm not strong enough yet. But at the same time, why should my dream of a family end because of his stupidity. I am a great momma and I feel like I already know this other baby, like it already is part of my family, it's just not here yet. I don't want to feel incomplete forever becuase of his A.
I would be willing to welcome OC into our lives, but she doesnt fill that spot, she could add to it, but she doesnt complete the picture. I know this is all too soon to be worrying about this, we don't even know how custody, or cs or anything is going to be worked out. But right now this hurts worse than any of his other betrayals.
Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.
Member # 15926 Posted: 11:53 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009
I have made the decision to no longer look at the adoption of the OC as another way that the OW has the power!
I have been looking at this all wrong, it is us who have the power not OW! If the adoption doesn't happen nothing in our lives will change, we will still be NC, H will still pay CS, nothing will be different than it is now for us
On the other hand, the adoption is something the OW wants BADLY! She wants to be able to have the religious ceremony done in May and without the adoption that won't happen! Her life will be the one put on hold, she is the one who is going to have to live with the disappointment of not getting what she wants!
Man , it feels so good for the shoe to finally be on the other foot!!!!
[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 12:27 PM, February 9th (Monday)]
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
I also wanted to add that now OW gets to feel what it is like to have to wait around on someone else's decisions! Wouldn't it suck for her if she had to spend more money, time and emotional stress on having to have my H rights taken away instead of him just signing them over
Right now I feel we have the power, we can state what we expect and want and if she isn't willing to work with us than it is up to her to drag it through the courts and fight for it.
We would be much more generous than the courts because we have the OC's best interest in mind, but if she doesnt want to grow up let her learn the hard way.
Way to keep your chin up!!
OW gave my FWH something I couldn't either.. a daughter I have 5 sons whom i love to death. But always felt incomplete without a little girl. I had my tubes tied because we could not afford anymore children and i went into a deep depression after having the tubal, but I did it for HIM, as he was the one who said, no more kids, our hands and hearts are full, and our bank account is getting emptier. I knew he was right. SO i did it.
I was JUST finally starting to get over the fact I'd never have a daughter and come to terms with my life the way it was. I wasn't thinking about having another baby all the time, I wasn't crying when I'd see babies in the grocery store and then i had the bomb dropped on me!!!
That has been the hardest part of all this, that she is having his daughter and i'm not. It's getting better though...
OW and I have been sending rough draft custody agreements back and forth, trying to come to a pretty good agreement before presenting it to attorneys.
A friend said this was gods way of giving me a chance to have a daughter. That made me cry for days.
A lot of people adopt, a child doesn't have to be our flesh and blood to love them.
I've found myself picking up cheap baby clothes when I see them (for use at OUR house LOL), and lingering over the pink bouncy seats and car seats at target LOL.
It's taken me a while to get to this point though. I'm a great mother, and I'll be a great step mother too :) So will you if you get the chance.
With ALL that said though.. in the end.. OW's daughter is not my baby, and that still hurts.... I'm not sure it will ever stop hurting.
Hope what i said helps a little bit. I have no thoughts on the first couple paragraphs you wrote but you saying you felt like you already knew the other baby... resonated with me.
OW went into preterm labor the other day, and is in the hospital and i was SCARED... that is when I realized i care for this baby even if it is OW"s.
Thank you for your response, it gave me a lot to think about. I see that your WH also works with the OW. Mine does too. Makes me feel like any hope for NC in any form is lost. Between work and OC she has more time to talk to him than I do!
I'm glad that you will get to love on a little girlie baby even if she isn't technically yours. I've always wanted boys, am scared to death to have a girl. Except around Easter time, then those frilly dresses start to tug at my heartstrings. I guess that will be the fun part if we end up with contact I get to play dress up!
You said that she gave him the girl you couldn't but I have to admit that in the back of my mind I keep saying to myself that at least I could give him a strong boy, she can only make girls! I know, I know send me back to the stone age! But it makes me feel better for a brief second to be irrational.
Kudos girl, she wants this more badly than you do and I as I told you before if it doesn't happen much won't change for you. But I know you would rather have it happen. We can still celebrate!
Thrive & Beajus,
I know how you feel. Before the DNA came back, I felt as though I gave my H 3 children and OW gave him 3 children. I really thought I was pregnant at one point after d-day, went thru the test and everything, my dr. said it was a hysterical pregnancy? Anyway I thought for a short time that if I had another child that would invalidate OW children. Crazy I know. When the test came back that the girls did not belong to my H and that the boy did, I was somewhat relieved and sad at the same time. I had grown very fond of the girls and knew we would have a hard time keeping them with us since they were not related.
What I am trying to say is that I separate my feelings for the OC from what I feel for the OW and now accept them as my own. I don't look at them as her children in anyway that counts. If you want to try to R, and you want to accept the OC in your life (I am not saying that you have to), but if you want to, put the boundaries in place, stick to them, work as a united team with your H, and keep OW outside of marriage wall (as Dr. Shirley Glass puts it). Don't dwell on whether OC is a girl or a boy, just an innocent child who did not ask to be here and did not ask for the circumstances of their birth. Good luck to you all because whatever you decide is going to be a bumpy road.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:32 PM, February 9th (Monday)]
Nope not crazy... i'm still researching tubal reversals LOL
[This message edited by auntcis at 5:14 PM, February 9th (Monday)]
I did not notice that the DNA came back. Was it positive? Because if you don't have the results yet and he is focusing on OC, he needs to change his priorities.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this and it is very hard being pregnant as well. I think OW name the child after people's H to just put another stab in the heart.
I agree with Lynne in the fact that he has to change the way things are going if you want to try to R. The secrecy and not involving you in matter of the OC will not be effective in making your marriage work. Your H seems to be fence sitting. The biggest excuse is OW has my child. Well, you are his wife and your family comes first and if you are willing OC can be included in that in whichever way you feel comfortable.
I will be thinking of you. You know there is a another support thread on here for Pregnant BS, I think that you may get some extra support from others who are also pregnant and going thru the same issues.
This way it will be ready for whenever she gives birth.
Each step brings me closer to the reality of the situation.
The day the pat. test results come back... will be a very very sad day for me......
I"m stuck in a situation I didn't ask to be in and sometimes feel i'm the only one showing any maturity or caring about it.
Sucks when I already have a houseful of responsibilities an really shouldn't take on more.