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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Mods,
Guesss we got a little ventish. But it did my heart good to have a spirited conversation with some people in my shoes. :)


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was venting. I will try to be more careful in the future.

Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I have another question:
My H says he does not think about the OW. I find that strange. He spents months fixating on her. He now has a child with her and he says he doesn't think about her.
Am I wrong for saying that he is not being honest here. Is it poosible to really just shut it off?

Anybody have thougts on this?


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he compartmentalize? If he does then it may be possible.

Or he could be afraid to tell you he does think about her.

Or if he is ashamed of her and what they did he could be telling the truth.

ETA My H said he he broke it off he was done with her and didn't think about it at all.

[This message edited by charlotte at 5:09 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does compartmentalize. But that behavior is part of what lead to the A in the first place. So the fact that he can just turn it off gives me red flags b/c I feel like if he doesn't think about her, he might forget about what he did to me. Does that make any sense? I mean I don't want him to think about her, but I don't want him to dismiss the situation either.

Now that I think about it, that is why I am pushing him to have the paternity test and have a realtionship with the kid. I want him to be reminded of his actions. Twisted logic., eh?


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H compartmentalizes too.

When I asked our MC how my H could not think about it he said mt H packed it up in a neat little box and put it behind a door in his head and he locked the door and has never unlocked it to peek inside.

I would have to think that if she doesn't want the DNA testing done then she isn't so sure who the father is.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charlotte,
How does that make you feel?

I used to be ok with it. But now it really frustrates me. How do you handle it.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 5 years out. At first it bothered me. I would think look at what he risked to be with her and now he doesn't even think about it

Now I am glad she doesn't take up space in his thoughts.

I have only recently started feeling a little like myself again.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

My Dad committed suicide when I was 16 and this was harder than that even.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H says he doesn't like to think about the OW or A because it was something that he is not proud of. But I was reading in General forum one day where someone had a post wondering if WS forget what they have done to thier BS and I asked him what his opinion was. He got the saddest look on his face and he said "they don't forget". So although he doesn't talk about it and I know he doesn't think of the OW(at least not in any high regard)he hasn't and won't forget what he has done.

So to answer your question, no I don't think they can just shut it off, but I don't think they like to talk about it either. But I don't think it means they are thinking good thoughts about OW either though.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Mods!! I will watch what I type.

My H said that he doesn't think about the OW or OC either - just when I bring it up.

He is also very ashamed of what he did and I think he puts it out of his mind because he wants so badly to move on and close that chapter in his life. Unfortunately, with the OC it is hard to lock the door.

At first it was hard for me too because i wanted him to remember everyday how much he'd hurt me and our COM. But I'm glad now - I want to move on too, and I don't think I can do that if I know that he is still thinking about them regularly or missing them.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your feedback on my question. I guess I will cut my H some slack then.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I didn't have to call the hospital to find out.. I was talking with my GF and she said she already had called, cause she had the same suspecions I had, and we were right.

I told my FWH that I called cause I had this feeling and told him that I had her Rm# and told him if he wanted to go see the babies in the nursery that would be ok. He said he did not want to go see them until she contacted him to let him know that he could go.

But that assured me that he didn't already know and not tell me...

This was 2 days ago and she still has not told him of their birth yet. WTF.. Why not? She wanted his babies so bad, why not tell him ASAP.

Now I'm waiting for the next thing to happen, OW not wanting me see them and all. Just want to know if they resembel my H or not.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((dreamer1)))))

Has your H requested DNA tests be taken? I would think it would be easier to do that in the hospital.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he has not. Not quite sure If they have even talked in over 2 months. I also wanted him to talk to her about the names she has chosen for them, she wanted to give them his name as the middle name and his deseased brothers as the other middle name. WTF. Why do something so awfull, to his family, just think this is the wrong situation for this to be done in. OW is just being spitefull . He did tell me he would request the DNA, but I think he is waiting for her to make the first move now. But I know that everything will happen, and start up soon enough, NOW...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer,

Please,please,please, insist to your H that he do all DNA testing, visitation(if he choses)and CS through the courts for your own protection!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer1

Does your H have an atty?

I would have all contact go through an atty until the DNA tests are done.

If the DNA tests come back that your H is the Biological father let the courts handle everything.

I just wonder why if she is so sure your H is the bio dad she hasn't contacted him to get the tests done?


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please go through the courts. Everyone is sooo right. My H contacted his atty (b/c of my pressure) and she told him that it was better to come to an agreeement without the courts b/c it would cost him less CS. uuuggghhh I don't agree with this. I think it is costing us more in the long run.

Oh - My H didn't get to see the OC for Father's day b/c the OW was upset that we went to our 4 year old Soccer party together (former mutual friends were at the party). She then proceeded to have an arguement with her mom. A few hours later she sent her mom a text threatening to kill her if she let my H see the OC!!! I really don't feel safe - when is she going to threaten me or my kids - this was all over a 4 year olds soccer party.

This has been a rough week. He just won't stand up to the OW and lets us be harrassed by her and her friends.

Why won't this nightmare end???????


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((SadMommie)))))

Does your H have an atty? If so let the atty handle it. If he pays CS he is entitled to visitation if he wants it.

I know how scarey it can be to be threatened by OW. That's why you need to document everything and let an atty handle the threats.

I am so sorry for all of your pain and suffering. Nobody deserves that.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Charlotte,

Oh - he has an atty. She just believes in working things out collabratively (sp). I disagree with the atty. This is not like getting divorced where a couple mutually agrees.

I wish he would get another one but he just doesn't want to. It is all about him and what he wants!!! I am so frustrated with this mess.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - as for the threats - she has not made any directly towards me but it will only be a matter of time. I did have a security system installed and that makes me feel a little better.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
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