OW is pregnant. Due in July. He will get a paternity test before anything happens, but he thinks it's his.
At first, he had this weird belief that he had to give OC every opportunity that he has/will give COM. I flipped out, told him that his priorities HAVE to be to me and to our kids. And he said that COM and I would be ok (I'm educated, have a good job, etc.), but he didn't think OC would be because of the type of life OW has (she's poor, has no career plans, etc). WTF? I laid into him. Now he sees that COM have to come first, but I'm furious that I had to point it out to him.
And I'm really not sure that I can deal with child support/visitation issues for the next 18 years of my life, and then who knows what for the rest of it. I think that this might push the whole A over the edge for me, past the point of being willing to R. I know it's not the OCs fault, but how do you ever get over the constant reminder of his A? Or do you?
Thanks ev1 for your mojo and thoughts. Bascially the OW did not even show up so we were given full guardianship and custody. OW had visitation revoked judge said if she had a problem with it, she needs to address the court. They also have closed the case so they are permanently our guardians unless she petitions the court.
No termination of rights but that is ok. I was too tired to file the CS papers today, but I do have them complete and will be filing before the week is out. So I guess I can stop referring to them as the OC.
I ask the twins do they know what happened today? they said yes the judge said we can live with you forever! I said are you happy? YEP!!!
AuntCis, good luck to you on this, I know it is a thorn in your side whih will hopefully be over soon. I think OW probably pulled with beause of the stilumus check. I prepare taxes and I have had a lot of people going thru this with someone else claiming the children.
Islandgril, it seems that you have started off in the right direction. My biggest suggestion, know what you are dealing with, if there is an OC or not. Then you have to determine how much you can accept and what you expect out of your H. To me there is no wrong or right feelings for a BS in this situation.
Good luck to you and we are here for you.
congrats on those beautiful twins
I posted more in General, but thought I should start to get used to it over here.
Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.
I read your post in General and I'm so sorry you have had to join our little group
We had issues with OW actively trying to split H and I up after DNA testing was done, she too had a child from a previous relationship and wanted a "Daddy" for her so got pregnant with OC on purpose. Unfortunately in our situation OW's efforts forced us to go NC with her and OC and we have been that way for going on 12 years now.
You and your H did the right thing by having DNA testing done. And it is good that the two of you are showing a united front to the OW. I understand how you feel about the OW being the difficult kind, even though we are NC I sometimes find myself looking over my shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop where she is concerned, and we live 2500 miles away from her It can be stressful at times, but you do get to a point where you no longer let it rule your every moment. You are also taking the right path by having everything done legally, that way she can't hold thing's over your head and your H will know the full extent of his rights.
I know you are hurting and it will be very hard at times,and your post in General gave me the feeling you weren't so sure you wanted to stay in your marriage. But please don't make any final decisions until you have had some time for it all to sink in. It sounds to me like although your H made some REALLY stupid moves(like most H here in this thread)he has woken up from the fog and is willing to make you an active part of the decision making process which is very important.It can be done if you both really want it to work. Keep posting here, we know what you are going through and these ladies have always given me great advice and it is nice to have someone who is in the same situation to talk to. Good luck
[This message edited by auntcis at 6:03 AM, January 27th (Tuesday)]
Wow, so much as happened since then. Positive and negative, but I can honestly say, I am happy with where I am today.
So everyone, no matter which way you choose to handle this, make sure you do what makes you happy and protect yourself and your COM at all costs.
Thanks ev1 for their support.
[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 8:32 AM, January 28th (Wednesday)]
I intend to help raise OC... i grew up without a dad and i'll be danged if i'm gonna see that happen to another child. If FWH had decided to go NC with OC to ME that would have shown me what kind of man he really is... and I would have left.
I think that things can work out with OW and OC as long as there is GOOD boundaries in place....
OW in our situation is a straight up loser and i feel we'll probably end up with OC anyway.... she lost one child already and has all kinds of dating profiles up that all say Doesn't want kids.. has no kids... umm yeah she's due at the end of March.. plus she got in trouble for public intox while 5 months pregnant.... and lives in a flop house...
I just wory about what kind of damage OW will do to OC before we get the child...
Good luck to everyone no matter what they decide
I very much want to stay married, I love WH despite all this. It's just so new I don't know if we will make it or not, no matter how much I want it.
I find myself somewhere inbetween lonely and beajus's train of thoughts. I am very worried that our M will get put on the back burner and I am working on how to set boundaries so that doesn't happen. But I would have been disappointed in him as a man if he hadnt wanted contact with OC. I want to support him in that and I want the girl to have the benefit of both of her parents, but I refuse to be taken for granted. lonely I may have to come re-read your post when I need to be reminded of that.
There is a lot to think about. Right now she is demanding that I not come within 500 feet of the girl she thinks that since I'm "bitter" about the A that I will be a danger to the baby. It could go so many ways since she isn't very stable. She could move back home to her family and we would probably only be able to visit a couple times a year. Or she could decide she wants to be free and we'll end up with full custody.
I have to say it has been wonderful reading everyone's stories here. It's a relief to see that there isn't just one way to handle this. I have options, I need to remember that doing what is right for me or drawing the line on what I can handle is ok.
If FWH had decided to go NC with OC to ME that would have shown me what kind of man he really is... and I would have left
beajus, with all due respect and I realize you said to YOU it would have been a negative sign,but I think that your statement shines a bad light on those of our H's who choose NC and thier character. We tried to have contact with OC for the first year or two of her life and her mother made it a miserable and impossible situation. Going NC with OC was not an easy decision for my H by any means, but it really came down to having contact or being with me and our COM. Do you think it would have made him a better man to give up a life with his wife and 2 COM to have contact with OC?
I wanted to clarify, because I said something similar as well and I didn't mean to offend. I am glad that WH wants to have contact at this point in our situation. He wants to take responsibility not just financially, but emotionally as well. I respect that and I would have had a problem if he had put all the blame on her for getting pregnant.
That being said, we have no idea how this is going to pan out. OW is the type that could make this very ugly and it might turn out to be better for us and OC to have NC. Having a father jump in and out of her life could be confusing and hurtful, having an angry mother who badmouths the father could be damaging as well. We are hoping for the best but we know from experience with his past daughter that it doesn't always work out.
Like I said before it is great to know that there are so many different ways to handle this.
It has been a year and a half (OC is almost a year old) since we had any contact with OW. All she has tried to do is hurt me and destroy our relationship.
She was emailing me constantly to let me know she hoped it "ate me up inside" that she was pregnant by my H, and called my phone to taunt me and ask "Are you jealous? I'm having H's baby!". She is still trying to hurt me til to this very day, and has not yet grown up enough to see how it is affecting her child (by not being able to have a relationship with FWH).
I do not think our relationship would survive with her involved in our life in any way. That is why we are NC. We are not bad people, we believe children need both parents (honestly I believe that is something you give up when you PURPOSELY get pregnant by a married man) but for us, NC is the best option.
There are a million people who would disagree, but it is our choice.
However, on the other hand, once OW learned that FWH was not leaving me for her (As she told him she expected him to do when she showed up with ultrasound pics), and once I refused to leave FWH, she has not ever really mentioned my H. She has never mentioned him having contact with OC, or attempting to be a father. She refers to him as OC's "Bio dad" or "sperm donor", so who knows, it may be mutual.
You know i meant no harm in my post. I was just sharing MY thoughts like everyone does on here.
Everyone has to do what is best. Right now OW is being tolerable.. but we ALL know that could change tomorrow.
If she makes our lives a living hell... then we may have to eventually go NC too.
Sadly this all depends on the OW (UGHHH I hate THAT).
My point was if my FWH's first instinct had been to just run and not look back, that would have really got me and affected my feelings of who i thought he was. (Although that feeling is already tarnished because of the affair) but him tucking and running would have made it worse.
I dont' express my thoughts very well with writing.. my brain works too fast and i don't get things out like I intend.
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone.
(Hopefully i got at least the apology right) LOL
Court is Feb 19th, due I have to wait tell then to get the results... I do kinda believe they are his, just hoping for that slight chance by the grace of god KWIM...
OW still will not let my FWH be alone with the twins yet, and I am still not aloud to go with to visit, not H choice, just doenst want OW to cause more problems, she still believes (I think) that I will leave him once results come in they are his. LMAO..
Just wish that the OW could not have so much power, it irretates me to Know end that, they hold all the cards from day one of pregnancy, she had choices then, the plan B method, or whatever, why is it that the man has no rights in regards to there half of the seed.. These OW could have done the right things in the beginning, but no they try to trap our men, and then the OC suffer, WTF Mine took fertility pills to have these kids, He was told she was on the pill, LOL. And she was all that special now was she...
Sorry just venting a little, just getting frustrated on the waiting game, and having no power..
On another topic...the discussion of NC and what that says about a biological parent is interesting to me. Here's our story:
My H found out last year that he is the father of a 16 year old son. He had never heard of the OC before and was even unaware that a pregnancy had resulted from his ONS 17 years ago (BTW - this was not an A on me). The OC's mother obviously chose not to let my H know about the OC and it appears she planned on his never knowing, but she had to rely on state assistance for something last year and the state sought to establish paternity so that they could recoup from the biological dad.
My H paid the state back through the court and as far as we know that is the end of it. The OC's mother did not answer the interrogatories required of her to establish ongoing child support from my H and the judge dismissed the matter once the state was reimbursed. If the OC's mother wants to pursue ongoing support she would have to bring a new case. We have no idea if she will or not.
So it seems like she'll go back to raising the OC on her own as she has for the last 16 years. My H does not intend to initiate any contact with her or the OC (there was no contact during the court proceedings, they live in another state and everything was handled by attorneys for the state). We don't even know if the OC knows about my H. I guess it is possible that the OC will one day seek out his biological dad, who knows. I fully support my H's decision to be NC. He has not been a father to this OC for 16 years, I don't see why he should start now (though if ordered to he would certainly fulfill his financial obligations). I am not a believer that blood is thicker than water. The OC is literally nothing to my H right now. We hope he is fine and wish his mother no ill either, but don't see why my H should have his life and his family's lives turned upside down at this stage.
I think people should think about what NC means and choose what is right for their situation. Is it going to be right for all parties? Maybe not, but I think that NC is a valid choice for someone who had no say and no intention to bring an OC into the world.
[This message edited by kwash at 3:52 PM, January 29th (Thursday)]