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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad to see everyone is still here posting. Update on my situation my H had another baby, a little girl by OW on 10-11-08. He refuses to go NC. So he has left me no choice but to leave. I am trying to make excuses not too, but it is hard.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hellokitty))))

I read your profile, WOW. I think at this point if you have decided to leave it is probably for the best, sorry JMHO. It sounds to me like your H is still having a full blown A with OW if she had another child by him , and it doesn't sound as if he has any intentions of ending the A.

Please stay strong for you and your baby. Good luck to you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hellokitty, you need to take care of yourself now. Is he refusing NC because he wants a relationship with the baby, or with the OW? If it's something you just can't tolerate anymore, then it's time to make yourself #1, do a 180, and make a better life for you.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hellokitty))

I think you have put up with enough. If I read correctly Ow has 2 OC with your H and a 2 year old that calls him daddy too? The difference between you and me, you knew when they were born, I didn't find out about OC until a year ago.

He just doesn't seem remorseful at all. I just don't see any excuses that can be made for him, there are none. Please take care of yourself and nail him to the wall for CS. I know you said that you don't have any supports, one of the reason that you probably tried to deal with this mess. But you can make it and you will make it. If you ever need support, we are here and will do the best we can to support you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just a quick update found out that Ow goes for DNA testing today & FWH goes tomorrow..

Was worried that they might have ended up with the same appointment time, but on the 28th OW posted on her myspace
heading "DNA test on Monday and we all know what that is goin to say, (H last name) Look alikes they are. WTF

Why does she need to put our last name in her heading, and the last sentence did not make complete sence to me, sounded like she is saying they just look like him, not actually his. What do you think.

Has anyone ever just sent a truths letter to OW if the OC are H. I have been thinking about sending something along the lines of calling pease to the situation, on behalf of the OC. But just not sure, I dont know if it would even do any good, or stir things up with her more. Just curious if any of you ever have done or thought about something like this..

Had a good talk about my guidlines I had posted, went quit well, and he has agreed that he can do all of them. Yeppy. But as we all know time will tell, also told him that he needed to step it up, cause I was and am about to give up, cause I don't see him working as hard as I would like, I realise that IC & MC again he will not try.. Thinks we can do all this on our own, hope he is right.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is now 11 days past OW's supposed due date and the last contact we had from her was at the end of July. I am not naive to think we are out of the woods. But if this child was really my H's it should've been due around 11/6 not 11/21. Unfortunately birth certificates are not public access where I live.

[This message edited by bigheart9 at 6:21 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody. It is hard sometimes to even go on. But I do it for my son. I wish we could of worked things out but he is too selfish, and is a huge cakeeater. Thanks again. 180 in progress.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Sad  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is first time a post and really don't know if this is the right place. I have read alot of post in the last two weeks. Decided 2day would be a good day to post. H has a one week old baby boy. Been m 4 years. H admitted the a in March. OW called him on 11/08/08 saying she had a baby boy. In the 9 months since the A we have been in MC and everything was going good in the M. Then she call! OW name the baby Jr. All the old emotions came right back but we are trying to R. Writing tonight bcause H and COM went to visited the b. My husband know nothing about OW. Just learned OW last name 3 days ago. Already had DNA test it's H baby! Wondering do anyone knows anything about CS. OW on welfare and has 4 other C with 4 diff f. Ow say she do not want CS but I think she get all state assistant . Think state will go after H. Just upset tonite bcause my world is upside down.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lynne01......................... My heart goes out to you. You are amoung friends that know exactly what you are going through. How are YOU doing? I encourage you to not to feel guilty about any of the emotions you feel. I am totally honest with myself and my feelings. That doesn't make me a bad person. None of us asked to thrown in this position. I dislike OW, resent OC for being born and also resent my H on many levels. I have shared this with my H. Our daughter will not grow up knowing the OC. When she is old enough we will tell her. I have not tried to get in the way of H knowing OC; however, I refuse to be inconvenienced by her or her mother. I come first. All of us BS's don't owe OC or OW anything. I tell my self that . I never asked for my entire world to be shattered. If you decide to have a relationship with OC then do so. That will never be something that I can deal with. It's so sad that we have to deal with a lifetime of pain for a few stolen moments of indescretion. I highly doubt that anyone here will judge you no matter what route you decide. The question I ask myself often is, Is he truely sorry for what he has done or just sorry he got caught? I still have't figures that out yet. At this point I have to protect myself. I have decided to love my H with my head instead of with only my heart. After all, he has caused me more pain than I have felt in my entore life with his betrayal. Literally, I have one foot in and one foot out of the door. I have't invested a decade of my life and been totally faithful to him in our relationship just to deal with his baby mama drama now! HELL NO!

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 8:35 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lynne01))))

So sorry you find yourself joining our little group here. Loneyly&depressed gave you some great information. The only thing that I would add really is even if OW says she doesn't want CS, if she is on state assistance the state will come after your H for CS, that is what happend in our situation.

Please think of yourself and your COM first in any decisions you make, we didn't ask to be pulled into this mess our H's have created. Stay strong and post here whenever you need to


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lynne,

Sorry that you find yourself here in this situation. If and your H are going to R, there MUST be boundaries concerning the OW and the OC. Whatever involvement there is should include you.

Take care of yourself and COM first. And yes if OW is on the state they will come after your H especially if DNA has been done, that is part of the process for the state to get reimbursed for any benefits that OC will be receiving.

Good luck to you and we are here if you need us, It is going to be a hard, long road no matter which way you go.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Evil  Posted: 2:10 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the encouraging words lonely&depressed,auntcis,and bmc0415. This has been the hardest 2 weeks in my life. H took com to see new b. I am just depressed. H and I stay up all night crying. MC is helping. Knew about A 9 months ago. Been in MC for serval months. Just the reality of it just hit. MIL acting like this baby is the best thing happen and encouraging H a lot. I just glad that I found others going through the samething. OW never had her other kids f stick around so she calls H all day. H talk with OW about this! I thinks she reads to much into h nicest. Not making any excuses for H! He messed up big time! Told him about the CS. Talking to lawyer next week. Ladies you are in my prayers.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lynne, I feel your pain when it comes to your MIL and the OC. My in-laws waited until my H and I moved 2500 miles away and then they started full contact with OC, inviting her to spend weekends with them, holidays etc. I guess every child has the right to know thier family, but they didn't give a shit about COM and OC was suddenly the greatest child on Earth


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Broken Gal
♀ Member
Member # 21744
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out my H knocked up his skanky ho. She is due in June. I am SO horrified and in pain but realistic. My marriage is DEAD. I want to be divorced before the little bastard arrives here on earth just so skanky ho bitch and prick H can fuck it up. That may not happen in time. Please give me advice as how you all handled this situation. There is NO reconciling. Bastard H didn't even offer although there is no indicator he want to make the bitch an "honest woman" - not that thats' possible! Please share...


Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger...even if my life has been destroyed by 2 selfish people.

BS - me 41
WS - the cheating liar 38
OW - "the skank" 24
14yrs married I won't get back
D-D 6/5/08. 12/6/08 skank PG


Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most of us in here are attempting R. (i'm about to start S. though) However you can post down in Divorce and Seperation, as those ladies are where you are in the stage of things right now :)

I'm really so sorry about what happened to you, it's not fair at all. One of my co workers is 45 and was told she couldnt' have children and is due with a baby in Jan. Your time isn't all the way up hon (hug) You still have time to start over.

I hope the child isn't your WH's that way he'll lose everything, you her and the child he thought he was going to play daddy too!

The best revenge is your happiness with out him... keep remembering that ok?


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken,
Though many of us in here are trying to R, and I say trying because it is an every day struggle even when there is no OC, the feelings that you feel about the situation are real and alot of us have felt that way.

There are some of us in here that are living separately from our WS, there are a couple of members who have been thru the same thing as you, not being able to have a child and then the OW has one, and some of us that are trying to repair our families. There is no right or wrong here, you have to do what is right for you.

What I am saying is your feelings are normal and you will get support here because we understand. You will also get support from D & S forum as well because members there will know what it feels like to try to start over.

I remember when I found out that 10 years of my marriage was a lie, I felt like the wind was sucked out of me. Not only were there OC involved, my H also gave me cancer from an STD. If you had told me last year that we would be in R, and raising these OC, I would have never believed it. But I was prepared to go the other route as well, I had a separation agreement prepared for him to sign. And we were separated fro 3 weeks after d-day.

So, if you know in your heart that you can not accept OC, there is nothing wrong in that and you are not obligated to accept or support the OC. As I said to you before, take care of you first. Use the strong feelings that you have now, to protect yourself.

I assuming he is older and she is younger? We will see how this plays out, might not be greener on the other side.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Wink  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say and to thank everyone for all the support. Saturday H and I went and pick up the OC. Didn't get out the car not ready to meet OW. OW knew he was married but again he did too. Just do not want OW in my life. H informed her only to call when it's an emergency. MIL had to go over and meet OW. MIL and I will never be friends relize that long time ago. After we took OC home came back and I hugged and loved on my kids. H was upset said he feel like we are moving on without him.Told him he cause all the problems none of this was my fault. If he looking for pity go talk to his mother! H did apologize later. This a hard pill to swallow!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great holidays decorations Mods.........

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great holiday decorations Mods.........

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lynne,

I just wanted to say that I know how hard that was for you and I want to say that I am proud of you and you showed great courage and grace in this situation.

As I said before, don't let the boundaries get blurried. You and your H need to serious sit down and talk and agree on how this situation will be handled. You have to set it in stone because if you don't the OW will use every opportunity to go over that line.

As far as MIL is concerned, does she treat the COM with the same excitement as this new OC? Because if not, I would examine my family's relationship with her as well. Sometimes they can be so insensative.

Main thing is be prepared for the legal stuff ahead of time so it will not be such a shock when it happens, because if she is on the State once they identify a father, they will come looking for reimbursement.

It is going to be a difficult and hard struggle, your H will have his emotions changing all the time, that is what I went thru. I had to remind my H that you are asking me to accept something that you did wrong, you need to own that and don't ask more of me then I am ready to give.

Good luck to you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
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