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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks redvixen.

I too am thankful to have found someone else to talk to who knows exactly what hell I am going through with the OC. This year I am also thankful that after 12 years my H finally "gets it"! And most of all I am thankful that there will be an end to this eventually, when the adoption is final


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((AuntCis)) I am so sorry. Wow does the reprecussions from our FWS ever end? It is like a rippling effect that just keeps going.

I too will have tax issues concerning the OC and will not be able to claim them. It is complicated and it is unfair. Here is all the mojo I can muster to hope that the adoption happens soon and that you can get the tax situation straightened out.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this year once again, I have nothing to be thankful at this time, thanksgiving is my B-day also.

I just kicked H out, he couldn't contend to allow to me seeing OC with him, because OW said no, and he could not end contact. For me.

I set up an email acct. in here name and emailed H from it to see if he would reply, 11 days ago, and today I get a call from a deputy, telling me I'm in violation of inpersonating (sp) someone else, explained the situation to him, about OW. She may press charges he said. Called H and he now tells me that he called her to see if it was her, H want'd to now who was causing problems he says.

He asked if he could come get clothes. I told him not my problem. Hardest thing I have ever had to do.

H texted "This is wearing on me just as much as y hurts to say maybe this is what it is coming down to i love you"

Guess there is no fight for me any longer...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((dreamer)))))

I'm so sorry it has come down to this for you

I hope OW doesn't press charges, but please don't do anything like that again, cause it is what she wants, to upset you and create trouble for you.

Stay strong, you are in my thoughts.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
shockdbyndbelief
♀ Member
Member # 21286
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer,
I went through a similar thing. OW didn't want me to see her or the C (because she thinks I will hate the baby and think she is a slut. Well...). And my now-ex would not stand up to her, for me. I cannot live with him having two separate lives, as I am sure you can't. So stay strong...even though I know it is so so hard.

Even though I feel like I made the decision to leave the situation...it is just about KILLING me that he is going to move in with her.

I know what it sounds like, but he doesn't want to be with her. He is completely broke and has nowhere to go, and she has a house. And he'll get to see his C as much as he wants, great.

Anyway, this is making me feel like she has "won," and she is the only happy one in the situation. She can't be totally happy, b/c he doesn't want to be with her, but at least she will live with him and see him every day. It pisses me off! I don't know how I am going to make peace with it.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Oct 2008
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer, I am so sorry that this is going this way. And Aunt Cis is right, don't give this OW any more things to use against you. I know how hard it is, for several months I focused on making the OW's life a living hell, but I realized she would do that herself and all I was doing was raising my blood pressure sky high.

Focus on protecting yourself. You can make anybody do anything, it took me a while to learn that. You are in my thoughts and I am thinking about you and sending you SI mojo.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support. H and I have been doing some serious talking, and he just feels that if he does not have contact with OC before custody hearing that it will look bad on him, that he is showing no intrest. I have told him it is not me keeping him from seeing them it is her, cause she can't face me to be around the twins.

I also have a ? for you all. When you decided to stay and work on the marriage, what were some of the guidlines you had set in regards to OC & OW, for future planning, or is there something any of you would change now to be able to accept them into your life.

I have told H that thursday is the new moon, and that is the time for the new beginning, so I am trying to get all my ducks in a row before then. I want to set some strick boundaries and see if they are what he can live with.

These are the ones I have already thought of.

1. OW not to show up to his work for him to see OC.
2. All contact from OW should be made to our home phone, unless an emergency.
3. When visiting OC I will come along, even if I have to wait in the car, why he gets them.
4. tell court is finalised no visiting OC alone, may take someone we both agree on.
5. Disclose everything to me good or bad, big or small, ON ALL LEVELS, especially concerning OW & OC.
6. I must still have 1 day a month dedicated to just us time.
7. Stand up to her, especially concerning me.

That is all I could come up with for now, but if there is something I really need to focus on, please feel free to tell me.

Is this gona be as hard as I think it will be on me? Does it get easier wants you get to know the OC, or do they always make you feel hurt for what your Ws did.?

Sorry so lengthy. Just started i'm sure you all know how that is.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer those are some good starting points. Also look on pg.9 of this thread and see if can get some suggestions. I won't lie to you,it is going to be hard. I cried everytime the OC call my H daddy. It took me months to start thinking of them as individuals and separate from OW and my H.

Main thing you have to be a united front. And as far as visitation, it is not going to really matter until a
dna test comes back saying yes or no.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer, lots of hugs to you. It's an awful journey.

Your list is great--better than mine is or was. OC in my case will be 3 in Jan--H has never been alone with OC and OW except in the hospital right after the birth. Our sitch is a little different in that we now live 6000 miles away, so we see OC only sporadically and I am included.

Not included in pick-up or drop-off now--too "stressful" for crazy OW. But they meet in a cafe near where we stay so that works for us.

It's the phoning that's tough sometimes--OC can of course talk now and H tries to call him bi-weekly, from home with me around. Now he's more interested in calling H when OC wants to, and the time zones are impossible during the week, it looks like there will be a call for H at work "from" OC--

For me, knowing OC as a congenial little kid who is happy to spend time with both H and me has made it somewhat easier--I can compartmentalize as well as H did during his cheating time, and just deal with the child as a child. Will never be able to do that about OW though!

But in some ways it's harder as the child gets older and can express his own wishes. I'm not a wicked witch and can sympathize with both H and OC in not having very much contact. But it is still a continual struggle and negotiation about every visit, call, etc.--again mostly cuz of crazy OW who won't see me or god forbid let me talk to OC on the phone as well. But we do get to have OC for 3 or 4 full days when we do visit--who can explain OW's mind?

Keep us posted.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. OW not to show up to his work for him to see OC.
2. All contact from OW should be made to our home phone, unless an emergency.
3. When visiting OC I will come along, even if I have to wait in the car, why he gets them.
4. tell court is finalised no visiting OC alone, may take someone we both agree on.
5. Disclose everything to me good or bad, big or small, ON ALL LEVELS, especially concerning OW & OC.
6. I must still have 1 day a month dedicated to just us time.
7. Stand up to her, especially concerning me

All excellent boundries, and if your H really wants to make it work there isn't anything on there that he shouldn't be able to follow. Maybe if you show your H that you are willing to give a little(not that you should have to)and OW doesn't budge you can show him a little more of her true colors and intentions.And him not having contact before court won't have any bearing if he tells the judge he tried to have contact with you involved since you are his wife and OW knew he was married, and OW wouldn't let him. It would actually make her look bad.

Does it get easier? I can't really say as far as visitation cause my H is NC. But I can say that it has become easier to accept the fact that OC is innocent in all of this and for me to wish OC well at all times and actually be open to the idea of OC contacting my H when she is older and can do it on her own without her mother being involved.

Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I should probably be posting this in another section but you guys understand my situatin the best...

Well, I have been upset for about a week with H. I found the photo of them together , then the I looked at last month's phone bill. He has spoken to her anywhere from 4 to 15 times in a week. Most of the calls were short but there were 6 that were 30 minutes or longer. He claims the calls were to talk her out of huting herself and to get her to let go. Now he is the go between the OW and my MIL since my MIL will be taking care of the OC while the OW's mother is out of town for Thanksgiving.

I have told him that I want a D. He is begging me to R. He is offering to let the OC go etc etc. Do I believe him????? I don't know what to believe and what to do. I don't want my marriage to end but I know that I cannot live like this. This is not a life that I want or deserve.

Any suggestions or advice????


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadmommie,

I am so sorry but honestly, I have not really seen an action from your H, just words. He is more involved (maybe not sexually) than ever with the OW. And agian I ask, if the OW mother is raising the child, why is he the go between for your MIL and OW while OW mother is out of town?

What could OW possibly need to talk to your MIL about if she is not even raising her own child? Your H reminds me of my H wanting to be the savior to OW. Even if he is telling the truth about helping her let go, she never will because he is showing her the interest that she craves.

Only you know what is best for you, don't you feel you deserve more than being a second? And he is not going to give up OC no matter how much he says it, because he has not showed you any evidence of it so far. JMO, I would want to see action on his part before I put my life on hold.

As always you are in my prayers and thoughts and you will make the right decision for you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BMC.

I am worth more than second best. He manages to convince me that his way of thinking is correct. I know it isn't. I know that I don't have the anger problems that he professes that I do. I know that I will get past this one day. I know that the way the he is handling this is wrong and hurtful.

We are going to the MC tomorrow. I am going armed with my phone log evidence and see what the C has to say about it.

Wish me luck. I need as much strength as I can muster for this ordeal.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out today the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The prenatal DNA test was wrong, people, do not pay for tests from DNA Center.........Anyway, I'll be stepping out of this forum. Thank you so much for all of your advice and support, and I wish all of you the very best that there is...Good luck with everything. Farewell.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstandthird, That is GREAT news!!!!! I am so happy for you!!!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First and Third, I know that you are so glad that this is not something that you have to deal with for the rest of your life. Everyone here is yet another example of why the DNA test is important!

It might not turn out this way, but you really need to know what you are dealing with.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is sooo awesome... So happy for you.

What a great Thanksgiving you will have, that is really something to be thankful for.

Want to add a Happy Thanksgiving to you all.. I'm thankful for all my friends and the guidance I have received on SI...
Best Wishes......


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been ok for the most part...

but just a little bit ago I figured when OW's conception date was ~june 21st. I looked back in my planner to see what I was doing that day and the days surrounding.... and I was working my ass off.. shuffling kids here and there, trying to get our SN son to and from counseling appts. and to and from Sn summer school with 4 other kids in tow. it was just a few days past number 5's birthday... I was probably still trying to clean up the house form that mess....

How could he????

I can't take this...

i need awsay from him, away from the whole friken situation......


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a preparer.. it makes me feel better.. and more in control..

Anywho..
oldest son has noticed the influx of baby stuff in the garage.. and today caught me putting together a dresser and putting some gender neutral stuff in it.. he wants to know what baby is coming to live with us and where it's coming from!

I told him we'd talk about it later.. i'm making FWH tell him!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are very observant too, and when they heard OC name mentioned occasionally they started asking who that was. I made my H tell them too.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
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