Post here when you get frustrated during the waiting because you will.
Goos luck, I hope it turns out the way you want it.
[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 3:18 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]
I've posted that we are seeking custody of OC and that OW has a baby with severe heart defects that is dying. Well last night the baby passed away. OW is suppose to be served with custody modification paperwork Monday!
I'm just about numb. I want to call it all off. I can't take a womans child when she just lost her other one. But H and I both know OW has never been a mother to her. We have to look out for the best interest of OC, but it seems so WRONG to do this to OW.
H and I were the first ones the Chaplain called last night after the baby passed. OW wanted OC to come see the baby a last time. So we drove OC the hour drive at 10pm, dropping our own children off at a relatives house. Ow has pushed her family so far out of her life that the only support or visitors she had when her baby passed was her ex husband (H) and me (the betrayed GF at the time of the relationship).
H is taking this very hard. He was not prepared for the sight of a dead baby. It's something I've seen before, so I knew what to expect, although it's still not something anyone should ever see. H keeps saying "that could have been our son"....our youngest was born with a heart defect and had his open heart surgery in the same hospital by the same surgeon as OW's baby. He kept saying "no one should have to bury their child". Knowing OW and the lack of support she has, I don't want H to fall into her old trap. I hope he's smarter than that and keeps a distance.
My main concern now is this 5 year old I'm left to the care of. SHe doens't understand and I hasn't sunk in yet. She will be going back to her mom on Monday. Do we contact our lawyer and postpone the custody issues? Do we go forward with them and hope it doesn't destroy OW. I realy feel after talking to OW last night that she knows she has lost both of her children. The fight is gone. Maybe temp custody with liberal visits until she gets her life back in order?
I just don't know....
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:02 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
Green, What a horrible and very sensative situation to be in. Losing a child to death is the worse experience a person can go thru. With that being said, this may sound insensitive, but let's take that out of the equation for a minute. The issues that made you and your H take action in the first place, are they still issues? Is the health and the welfare of the OC at risk? Do you think dropping the custody issues will make her a better parent than she has been? These are questions to ask yourself and your H.
While you feel for the OW and as a decent person you would, you also need to take into consideration the welfare of the OC. If you are willing to deal with her, and believe me it is hard because I had to do it, maybe temp. custody with supervised visits might be best. She is going to be very emotional and vunerable, not a good idea to have your H dealing with her on his own. You say he is doing his best, but one of the biggest problems I had was my H feeling sorry for the OW and defending her, it made it very easy for him not to work towards us but to defend her to me!
Maybe a consultation with a family counselor of some kind might give you a better prespective. Sorry for the circumstances.
Life, Welcome. With OW it is hard to tell what is going on. Some give up when they see that they are not going to get what they want. And some are what I call silent but deadly. Plotting the whole time to do something. Do you think your H is being up front about NC? How was NC established? A letter or they just stopped talking? When an OW is involved silence is not always golden. I say just keep your eyes open.
1234, good for you getting out and living a little!
Sometimes this situation takes over your whole life. As far as OC is concerned, yes it is hard at first. I cried everytime I picked the OC up for visits and heard them call my H daddy. But you know after a while, I began to realize that they are just children. They didn't ask to be here or the circumstances of their birth and they have the same needs as any other child. When I changed my thinking, I was able to develop my own relationship with them seperate from my H. Will you ever feel that way? I don't know but that is how I handled it.
L&D, and AuntCis always thinking of you.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:14 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
On another board I visit a woman told me to def speak with our lawyer and explain everything...that these concerns go way back, baby has died, etc. She said she would recommend a temp order to keep OC with us until OW can handle going to court.
OW has called me 3 times this morning. It's like she wants to talk to anyone about this, but doesn't know what to do or say,or if she should even talk to me. This is how I feel right now....
[This message edited by green_eyed_devil at 11:42 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
So, we haven't heard much, but when we do hear from her, she's turned into a complete psycho. He's going to block her because some of the things she said were just plain mean.
She says all this crap and hasn't filed for paternity yet. That means that court-ordered CS is a lot farther down the road. She said taht he would never be able to look at my (our) children without thinking of her. That our kids would feel guilty one day because their father left one child but not them. That they'll hate me, too, for staying with him and it only continues.
So, not trying to scare you, but be prepared. She may try to hurt you, she may say nothing. It really threw me for a loop, b/c she hasn't been unreasonable yet. Just goes to show, you'll never know what's going to happen next.
I hope your silence really is golden, but be prepared for otherwise.
While I would feel sorry for the situation, I would not let her make a habit of talking to you about her pain, I will tell you why, she will start calling you all the time and before you know it you will be wrapped up in her life and you don't want that.
I don't even know if I would talk to her until I consulted with the lawyer to see what is a appropiate that this time. Do not let her make you are support system! Very important! Maybe since the chaplain called you maybe he could make a suggestion on a support group or system for parents who have lost children.
1243...Have a great time on your girls night out
life_will_go_on...Be careful,the OW's silence may be the calm before the storm, it has happened to us before. Also if your H isn't paying CS yet, please make sure that he gets a DNA test if you haven't already. Don't wait for her to do it cause if she waits until the child is older, your H could get nailed for years of back CS.
green_eyed_devil...The situation is delicate, but like BMC said, if the concerns that you had for the OC are still there then you should seriously consider moving ahead with you original plan.
BMC...How was the visit with OC grandmother?
Quick update on our situation, we haven't heard any more from OW about the adoption. She told me they had an appointment with thier lawyer this week, but we have no news. I told my H that if we don't hear from her or her lawyer by the middle of next week I will email her to see what is going on. Like I said OW was hopeing to have the adoption complete by the end of the year, I have to agree with her on that point.
Positive thoughts and prayers to everyone
I gave OW the name of a funeral home. It is owned by my best friends father in law. She set up an appointment to meet with him and asked that I go with her. Her family won't go. As much as I hate this woman, I'm going to do this. Once things are settled...after next weekend with the service, things will have to be dicussed as far as OC goes. I'm hoping that she is reasonable and will agree to sign the papers without a fight. If we can come to some agreement that we have OC during the week (to provide a stable home, evenings at home, in school, etc) that she will agree to have every weekend. We want to ask the lawyer if we can do this as a temp agreement pending OW can get her life straightened out. I'm willing to give her a chance (or in this case another one). I'm truly hoping the loss of her child will make her realize that she needs to grow up and care for the child she has, I also know this may not happen. I would like to see some big changes before OC goes back into her custody...maybe if we can re-evaluate in a year or 2. I really don't know, and will have to talk specifics with our lawyer. We need to do what is best for OC, but destroying OW in the process isn't what we want. I'd hate for OW to get depressed (we know she will) and try something stupid like suicide. That would not be in the best interest of OC to lose a parent and sibling.
Such a hard situation. H and I are going to take OC to her tonight. BM is staying with her mother, so I don't worry too much about OC. We will try to talk out some details of where OC will be staying and when. She needs help at this point, and as far as I'm concerned H should be helping with his child during this time. Once things have settled we will broach the custody issues.
Some of us have been given the gift, or maybe the curse, to rise above and do the right thing. You're doing the right thing.