Let me first say I am glad that you joined our little group here. I can feel the change in your posts, some positive things, and that is GREAT!!
As far as the DNA test, check your state because they are all different. My state has a website for fathers rights.
L&D, sorry about your anniversary, it is hard when something that is suppose to be special, gets tainted. I found out ab out my H A a month before our 19th anniversary and he moved in with OW for 3 1/2 weeks because he had no where else to go. He came back home 2 weeks before our anniversary and I was torn about celebrating it. But I was determined to reclaim what was mine. It is hard when they don't do everything that they should. I am still going thru that. My H has gotten into his head that he has broken my heart and can never fix it so it is not worth trying. They get so comfortable when they think they have been forgiven. They dont think they have to work on it anymore.
Well I let my H know that I was unhappy. I told him that I am giving him the head's up that something is wrong, better than what he did for me. And he is working at our relationship because he doesnt want to lose it, sometimes you have to remind them.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:18 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]
I don't think any of us minds if you post just general chit chat. Sometimes just small talk with someone who knows what you are going through, even if it isn't about OC, does a world of good
I am very new at this but I would like some help. I got married in January and I found out by a text and voice message to my cell phone (it was my husbandīs before)that his baby was being borned (message was from a friend of OW).This happened 3 months after I got married. At this point I am trying to move on.
I have requested he have the least possible contact with with this person and that he has to tell me anything he may plan to do, the way he wants to help cause I know that this child is a victim as well as me of his irresponsability.
So yesterday night he tells me that on sunday this OW will baptise this child and that he has to go and sign I donīt know what (I donīt even know if this is true)I know he is doing a big effort and all I could say was the least I could ask for if he decided to go was to be far away from this person and show up just to sign. Because I donīt want anyone that may know him from his job to see him with this child.
He is really afraid of god because of his actions and I know he would rather not tell me anything to hurt me more. I am trying to handle this the best way but I still donīt know how.
We both leave in a country that is not ours, and I left my Job my family and friends as well as he did to live with him where he works. I have no family or friends to turn to and neither those he. The truth is itīs just him and me.-
Can someone tell me what to do, how to handle this. I know my husband regrets what he did and hasnīt found the exact way to help this child out in order not have any contact with OW.
Am I being to soft on him? I am doing wrong for trying to go on?
So many questions so little anwers.
[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 2:04 PM, August 1st (Friday)]
But I just wanted to let you know I hear you and fully understand your pain. I have hardly told anyone myself and that's hard. I don't regret my decision but it's hard. And I agree with Lonely, many, many, many years from now I may choose to share with some people but not now. So continue to share here. It has helped me tremendously and I know it can help you. This is a nice little group here in OC thread.
Second, why is your H still communicating with OW? We have been NC with the OW in our situation since a few days after DDay and I know it has helped us tremendously. If you let her, she will just continue to come up with reasons to communicate with him. Has paternity been established? (Sorry, I can't remember) Paternity has not been established in our situation and I have chosen to move forward as if this isn't my H's child. I know it's a possibility it is his but basically I've decided I will deal with it when someone can give me physical, scientific proof that it's his. (And in the meantime I will try to prepare myself for that but I'm not going to live as though it is true)
I wish your H was a little more understanding with the way you feel and the emotions you're struggling with. I can completely relate...I've thought to myself before, I could handle an A...but a child from an A. Wow! That's a whole different game. We don't have any children. So if this is his...gosh I really have a hard time thinking about that. So I won't!
Keep posting!! It helps!
Also, you are not a failure--your H is the one who failed at his commitment to you and your marriage. L & D is right, you have to set some boundaries--one of my biggest was H never being alone with OW and OC. Which was hard cuz OW is crazy with hatred for me and wouldn't have me there when H visited OC when baby was real young, or during pick-up and drop-off now. It's 2 and 1/2 years later, and we've come to some agreement about that, but it took lots of negotiations, tears, and limit setting on my part. The suggestion that you accompany your H at this signing business and wait outside in the car is a good possibility.
1234. losing it often is par for the course--and it helps if your H could be supportive rather than defensive. You don't know how many times I've wished the whole thing hadn't happened--after enough time passes, I don't obsess about that impossibility any more. But I'll never not wish it inside.
What does your H and the OW say about adoption? It's so hard to have rational discussions about all this without either losing it completely or being defensive or mean--we just kept plugging along, having discussions that ended badly, then having them again. There's a lot to decide on and unfortunately, OW's ideas will intrude on what you feel is best for you and your marriage. Just keep on talking.
MC is a good place to get some of the feelings out and the infidelity dealt with, as well as trying to solve some of the problems that arise about dealing with OW and OC. And dealing with those problems is a continuing process is our case since we have some limited contact.
It's so hard--keep posting and getting support from our group--we know the best what you're going through.
Last week we filed for sole custody of OC. I don't know how I feel about this yet. I know the little girl has an awful mother. The letter of modification to the parenting plan outlines everything. She's in contempt for denying visitation, in comtempt for not notifying the court for numberous address changes, has no job nor drivers license, has left OC in the care of her grandmother for the past 4 months while DH has done everything he could to get her. She's playing games with everyone. Intentionally took OC out of town when she knew we were coming to pick her up (just this weekend, and we filed a police report).
The only income OW has is the child support H pays. She maxes out her student loans to pay her rent. We provide health insurance that she denies she has so she can use medicaid (she's under investigation for this since H contacted the county and told them).
OC is here now. She's so loud, rude and has no rules or disipline in place. H works four 10 hour shifts, so she's been left to my care for 2 days, tomorrow being the 3rd and final for his week. I can't help be feel soem resentment toward him for caring for his child, esp with OW is calling all the time to check on her (like she really cares!).
I need an outlet. I need others who are the custodial parents to the OC to tell me it's ok to feel upset, that is gets better or easier, that this court battle won't take everything I've got and destory my marriage. I know it will get ugly. We've told her we filed and she thinks it's a joke...just so H and threaten and get his way.
According to our states CS system the parent paying child support is required to keep all inforamtion up to date. If they don't do so they are in violoation of state laws.
[This message edited by green_eyed_devil at 12:25 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]
She doesn't need my information or his. The only people it matters to is the state and I am hoping that once the paperwork goes through, the state won't give her our information. I mean they can't do that without his consent right? I am just scared that she can get our contact information, his employer information, and anything else right from the state since she is the mother of the child needing cs. If my h calls and says that he doesn't want his information released to her, they can't give it to her, right?