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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I have learned about OW, silence is not always golden!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I am worried about!

If she is being silent cause she is working on having her new H adopt OC, then great! But I worry that she is hatching some plan to try and get more CS. See, the man she married has 2 autistic children and OW's oldest daughter is autistic too, plus 2 other kids and I think the reason they got married so fast is she is pregnant again. So that would be 6 children all together, 3 of then special needs. So if she were able to get more CS out of my H it would certainly help them KWIM. UUUGGGHHH I hate this!!!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question.........How long was it before you stopped asking H questions about A? He has told me that he has started healing. How could he be healing when I'm a still a total mess? I realize that he has known about OW and OC alot longer than I have but how can he be healing? Thats like him being rich and me being poor. I need some feed back. I don't expect him to cry and beg and plead for me to stay but I feel like he's left me for dead emotionally. Part of me feels like he is able to start healing because his SECRET is out, and a burden has been lifted but what about me. It's nice that he can heve some peace of mind but what about mine. He goes to see OC from time to time, but I personally don't any contact. He hasn't said so but I think that he hopes that eventually I will change my mind. I doubt I ever will the OC is his responsibilty not mine. I don't know OC anything. I don't feel I am being selfish either.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:09 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 18 months from DDay and I still ask questions occasionally.

I actaully found that as my H heals, it helps me to heal. His strength makes me stronger.

I had a hard time with it at first too. It didn't seem fair that he was getting to feel better that his secret was out but in reality, he did feel better. He wasn't stressed and cranky anymore because he didn't have some crazy lady tormenting him.

He was able to be the man/husband/father that he should've been the whole time. He was there to comfort me, support me, and not get angry with me when I said mean things to him.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very frustrating for me because even though I could never do to him what he did to me, I want to to feel the same pain, anger and resentment that I feel. I feel like he dumped all his crap on me and now I have to suffer while he gets better. It's so unfair Iwant to cry all the time but I refuse to cry in front of him anymore. I feel so alone and empty.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is one thing that has ALWAYS driven me crazy about the whole thing! My H acts as if the whole ordeal is over and done with and because he doesn't think about it that I shouldn't either. He thinks that because the OW never meant anything to him and he is "over the A" that
I should be too . There have been times that I wish he could feel the pain physically that I have felt emotionally from this, but in the end feeling that kind of pain would probably kill him.

And to answer your question....even though Dday was almost 12 years ago I didn't stop asking A questions until about 6 months ago when I FINALLY felt that I got 99% of the truth. Until then I knew in my heart he hadn't told me the truth and I just couldn't let it go.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats just it! I don't feel like he has given me the entire truth. Its like he gives me bites and pieces of info and then I get pissed because most of it doesn't make sense. In my gut I know he is keeping more info from me. Im's so tired and drained. I keep asking myself would he still be around if I had done this to him? I would prefer a D before I embraces his OC and act like one big happy family. He's the one that screwed up; therefore, should be the one to make the most sacrifices. I don't feel feel like he deserves more than I've already given. Some times I just want to take my COM and disappear. She's all I have. What kind of father would jeopardize his relationship with his Wife and C for a piece of a**.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 4:43 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H started trying to tell me it was a ONS, then after a few more years of me asking questions cause thing's didn't make sense he tried to tell me it was once in OW car and twice at a cheap motel. That bull didn't sit well with me cause I knew neither of them had any money and he and I were living apart at the time(but not seperated)so he could be with her in our apartment any time he wanted. So I kept pushing and once again he finally caved in and told me that it had been a month long A and that she had slept with him in our bed in our apartment. Part of me wanted to kill him, but then part of me always suspected that, that had been the case all along so it didn't really come to too much of a shock.

There were times that I thought I would have been better off taking my COM and just calling it quits, but now I am glad that I didn't.

Lucky for him, my H never asked me to welcome OC into our family. He knew that I could never be cruel to a child, but he also knew that I could never just open my heart and home to OC either.We did try limited visitation at first but as I have said here before OW made that a nightmare. And personally I didn't feel bad telling my H he had to choose me and COM or OC in the end, cause like you I felt I had sacrificed enough and I wasn't going to live through the nightmare the OW was creating with visitation.

[This message edited by auntcis at 7:13 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has never asked to make OC part of our family and claims that would make him uncomfortable. But people change their minds. I would rather be divorced before I have a relationship with OC. I know she is just a child but to me she represents nothing but pain and serves a constant reminder of my H betrayal. He left town this morning and honestly I was happy about that. It's the first time since Dday that I can be alone to process my thoughts. I told him that he should do some soul searching while he's gone but he said he didn't need to because he knew what he wanted and where he wanted to be. I told him not to expect to hear from me while he was a away. I need some ME time. I just hope that COM won't be upset when she finds out MUCH LATER IN LIFE that she has a half sister.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 8:09 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our 2 older children know about OC and my H A. They took it pretty well. They don't ask about OC at all and have never shown any interest in knowing her. I think living 2500 miles away may help that though.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My COM doesn't have any other siblings other than OC. I hope she isn't angry when we do tell her. I prefer to tell when is a teenager. If she decides to persue a relationship with OC that will be her choice. I think that when she gets older she will be better able to understand how difficult this situation is for me and use decretion. I don't believe my choices to selfish ones I just think it's the only way I can cope. I despise my H so badly now. I don't trust him at all. How can I retrust someone that basically lived a double life. He told me that he thinks I will eventually cheat on him because of whats he has done. I am not looking to get seek revenge in that matter but at the same time I don't cater to his insecurities. Its his own fault that he feels that way. OH WELL! I have expressed to him my unhappiness, loneliness and sadness. It's up to him what he decides to do with that information. As for the OW, if she is lucky enough for someone to marry her, I wish that someone would return the favor she gave to me. I believe in karma and believe in my heart that she will get whats coming to her. How do I get past the disgust and loss of love I feel for my H. i still love him but not the way I used to. He has hurt me to my core. I have never felt the pain he has caused me before. I told him that I have made the decision to love him with my head and not my heart.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 9:47 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW in our situation just got married in May. I would love if her new H would adopt OC, but I don't see her giving up the CS she gets each month from my H. The only thing that would make me happier is for her H to cheat o her and knock up his OW .

I told my H recently that although I do love him very much, I don't think that I will ever be able to give him my entire heart again. I gave him my whole heart and he broke it. Although he says he isn't the same person he was when he had his A and would never cheat on me again I told him I don't think I could take that chance. I wouldn't be able to survive that kind of pain again, it would kill me.

[This message edited by auntcis at 10:15 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. I have put a wall up. I have harden my heart so i'm numb to alot of things. In the back of my mind I will always doubt certain things he tells me. I haven't worn my wedding ring since Dday and our 3rd wedding anniversary is later this month. I have no interest in celebrating a day and vows that ment so little him. He was cheating on me before our first anniversary and did so for an entire year. He can celebrate by himself.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lonely&depressed))))


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Onceuponatime
♀ New Member
Member # 19963
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are 2OW in my case.

1 OW has had 3OC;
AND
2nd OW had 1OC.

So 4OC total in all (that I know of!!!)

Just makes you cry ad\nd alot of times just makes me sicj ! I have a COM but I am not sure how much he know of OC. He does not see any of his sisters so I don't think he thinks about his sisters too much!


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Chicago
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onceuponatime......
WOW 4 OCs. You should be commended. I think I would be in jail for Murder. Your a trooper! Your Ex doesn't deserve you.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 1:40 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
Onceuponatime
♀ New Member
Member # 19963
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely & Depressesd.

We are no longer together. My D was finalzed Feb. 11, 2008 I found about #3 rightbefore D was final and about #4 after D was final. I wanted to rip him apart. Part of me still hurts alot becuase I put up with what I thought was just 2OC for so long, thinking that he had changed and he made SOOOOOOO MANY promises to never do it again, and as I see, he broke every promise he ever made - even our promises on our wedding day. I have now learned that I know I could never trust him again, which means I know we could never be together again. Unfortuantely you ahve to live and learn sometimes. It is defentily a hard lesson, when you think someone loves you and realize that they really don't or they would not have done what they done.

All, I can do now is move on, which is what I am in the process of doing....Just don't know when I will EVER completely heal and forgive!!!!1


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Chicago
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onceuponatime

I agree. Something that is a mistake only happens once. When the same reoccurs over and over again it is no longer a mistake. It's wrecklessness. Thank god you didn't get HIV. My biggest fear is that my H will do this again to me. I don't trust him anymore. I refuse to even have sex with unprotected. I told him that Although I have no proof of other women besides OW I can't be sure that there is know one else. I also told him that obviously he didn't use condoms outside of the house(Proof is OC)so he was use them inside the house. He offered to go to the Dr to get checked out. It's pointless to me because were still gonna ise condoms. Every action has a reaction.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
Onceuponatime
♀ New Member
Member # 19963
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOu are right, about the STD thing, I got soo damn lucky because he DEFINETLY was not saying anything to me. I am a FIRM believer that when you sleeping around with NO PROTECTION you are TRYING to MAKE CHILDREN. Not everyone will agree with me on that, but that is my thinking.

I aslo beleive that he could never be faithful to me ever again. If he kept telling me he was not going to do it again, and kept doing how do you ever trust someone like that again. You know i see a mistake and it happening once having accidentally having 1OC but 4OC comeone....That is just being stupid and not being in love with your W.

I look at those OC though and cry sometimes, because I say they should have been mine.

I hope time will completly heal!!!!


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Chicago
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I thought that OC should have been mine, but now I don't. Not for anything but my C is 3 can feed herself and sleeps all night. The OW is basically a single mother. She's at home alone every night by herself with a baby, while my H is home with me and COM. When it comes to my H he changed just as many dirty diapers,went to drs visits, gave baths and made formula as I did. OC doesn't get that from him. I don't feel guilty about that because that was a choice he made. He can't be a fulltime Father in two places at the same time. We come first(Sorry but thats how it is). My don't have to make any special accodations for OC. My H expects that. I have my good days and my bad days. Today is a good day. My H has said that we could have another C but for me it's much to soon to even consider that. I'm happy my C is the big 3

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 4:28 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


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