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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamer)))

You are in my thoughts.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dreamer)))

Thinking of you. Praying for you. Sending hugs and positve energy your way :)


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm not sure when the paternity test will be done, probably when the CS is ordered. I really don't know what all is happening, H doesn't have a clue, guess he is just along for the ride ..

I try to talk about things, and he just says he doesn't know what is going to happen either. More or less will cross that bridge when it gets here..

I guess we are waiting to see what she has planned.. I guess the balls in her park..

I just don't really know what to ask my FWH about all this. I do know he wants to be their dad, and pay support. and have contact. but thats about all I know. Any suggestions on what I should be asking... Or trying to information on...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Dreamer))

I too am thinking of you today. I know it is hard, but try to to dwell on it every second.

The sooner they do the DNA test the better, because you will then know what you are dealing with.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer, this is a hard day for you--many thoughts and hugs to you.

My H also went to the hospital to see OC, and you're right, that's better than after they go home and you have to deal with negotiations over being in OW's home space, potentially alone. After you have the DNA, if they're H's, you can deal with all that negotiation. Right now, take care of yourself and let H do as much as he can to make you feel a partner with him.

The things that we talked about right after the birth were how to visit without H and OW being alone, playing happy families and all that. It's possible but very painful, especially if you have an uncooperative OW--lots of discussions, arguments, brain-storming, compromises, etc. It worked for us but it's not easy.

Waiting for the courts to rule of stuff would probably be easiest--but from what I've read, they're not usually thinking of the BS when they rule--especially with newborns. But the ball isn't totally in her court if the law is involved, at least.

When my H visited early on, OW's mother was there for a couple of his visits--then the baby went to day care. It was a bit easier for us since they were across the continent, so we didn't have to deal with stuff every week or whatever. There might be a third party you could involve? Just some ideas.

Mostly, I'm thinking of you in this dreadful time--the reality of new people on the planet who are living reminders of our spouses's infidelity is a killer.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamer))) my thoughts are prayers are with you.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((dreamer)))))

How are you today?


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing ok. A little depressed though. He erased the text she sent him, but that is not something out of the ordinary. He erases all texts as soon as he reads them. He did go see them in the hospital, and took pictures with his cell phone.

I forwarded them to mine, he didn't seem to mind this at all. He said OW was pretty out of it, having a sicerian and the medication, so that is a good thing.

I'm really having a hard time with the fact that she was able to give my H something that I couldn't. God knows I wanted and tried for over 22 years. I think that makes this all that much more painful for me. I know that he did not want these in any way shape of form, at this point in our lives. But still she new I couldn't bare children, the was the spitefullness in her...

Now I'm not sure what is gona happen from here. Just hoping he truely understands that I will not tolerate him having contact with them without me from here on out. But I don't think he will think I will do anything, cause I have never stood my ground, and made him accountable for his False R in the past. How do I make him know that I really mean it now...

But I guess he will know if he screws up this time... Just hope they don't sneaky behind my back with the OC..

But I realyy dont see him wanting much contact with infants. Really not a guy thing I think. He never really cared to hold babies in the past. They don't do much at this stage...

Just sleeping alot. very tired of all the stress and drama.

I want to tell my FWH so many things, but scared of confontation, and him having to deal with so much already. But I also promised to leave the past in the past and move forward.. I just don't know what I want.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamer)))

Again, so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I would just remind your H what your boundries are to play it safe and to let him know you won't let any more monkey business slide.

My thoughts are with you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntics

How did you know that you were successfully R. My FWH just texted me (date night saturday me and you) Well who else would be date night be with LOL. But that is very sweet.

I guess I will make my opinions noted and to be made perfectly clear. What my boundaries are...

Thanks for all the prayers and support. much appreciated.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer,

I must say that I really didn't feel successfully R for a long time(sorry). I got the trickle truth about the A from my H for too many years. It wasn't until I got the full truth(or as close to it as possible )and felt that my H was being totally honest with me with his feelings about the OC that I felt we had R'd. I'm not saying that there aren't rough days, but I am no longer crippled with the thought of OW/OC and what happened in the past. Does it still tick me off? SURE it does, but I get passed it much quicker now and my H is very understanding when I need some time to shake it off. It feels like a success at different times for all of us, but I describe it as an all over sense of calm.

That was very sweet of your H to ask for a "date". I love it when my H does stuff like that . I hope you guys have a good time .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((dreamer)))))

I am glad you checked in.

It's normal to be scared, depressed, sad, mad, angry.

Just breathe. Baby steps. Take it one day at a time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer,

Just wondering how you are doing today. Hope you are alright


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone, I have been having a tough week. My H as far as I'm concerned has not been acting like a H. I have resolved to treat him like my roommate. Three weeks ago I told him that I was unhappy. I'm still waiting for him to get a clue. I don't get it. He beats me home everyday and acts like his mere presence is enough. He has not said this to me but he hasn't gone out of his way to fully R with me. I don't even care as much as I used to. I don't know if im just depressed or if I'm falling out of love with him. I definantely don't love him the way I used to. He's not the man I thought he was. The man I thought I married would have never have done all that he has done to me. Is the way I feel normal? Has anyone else ever experienced this? Is this just temporary? How is that I hate the same man I love? I don't even bring OC up anyone and neither does he. The OW named OC similiar to the name I gave my daughter with H ( first and middle). How ridiculus it that? I asked H not to say OC name to me and if he needed to refer to her to call her something else. Why would OW do that? Her C and my C aren't going to have any play dates. She couldn't even give her C her own identity. I told my H that she did it intentionally to add salt to my wound. She had no know it would piss me off!

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 8:16 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lonely&depressed))))

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.

The way you are feeling is normal IMO, there were days in the begining that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with my H. I just couldn't understand how someone who was supposed to love me could do something so life altering to me.

As far as you feeling that he isn't showing you that he really wants to R, the only thing I can say is remind him what it is you need from him. When my H is acting obtuse I have to remind myself that unfortunatly men are a lot like children sometimes and need to be reminded. My H actually said to me one time when I was angry with him for not giving me what I needed "I'm not a woman, I can't read minds" As much as we would like for them to be as sensative as we are most of the time they just aren't . Give him a gentle push and remind him what you need.

And I know it is hard, cause it still gets my goat when our OW does petty things, but please try not to let her get to you. You are probably right and she probably did name OC what she named to try and upset you, don't let her.

I hope things get better for you soon


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis,
Thanks for the advice. I am eager to put all these bad days behind me. I am only 31 and I have other needs that are not of a sexual nature. My husband does not understand this. He defines most things with sex. He really has no clue how to be intimate with me without sex. I have emotional needs that are not being ful filled. I don't know how much longer I can wait around for him. Sometimes, I wish I could pack my things and disappear from him all together. Maybe that's what it will take for him understand what he has done to me. I wanted to have another child. I also feel like nowit;s not possible. He's robbed me of so many things that I deserved to have. Maybe I should think about cutting my losses while I'm still fairly young. Eventually, maybe I meet someone that will love me and be faithful to me.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 11:43 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

l&d,
I know what you are saying when you feel like cutting your losses. i was only 23 when I found out about my H A and I had , had plenty of offers from other men who wanted to be with me and help me raise my children. But in the end my H was the only one I wanted to be with. Even after all the pain he caused and the pain that I knew would be with me forever thanks to the OC exsisting, H was still the only one for me. Give it some time before you make any final decisions, it is all still so fresh for you. You will go through ups and downs and one day you will love your H and the next you will hate him, it is normal. Tell your H how you are feeling, let him know you are just about at the end of your rope. If he doesn't put more of an effort into R after to restating your feelings and what he needs to do, then maybe you will have some serious choices to make. My thoughts are with you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well not much has really happened in the last couple of days, except H seems a little more expressive, touchey, and telling me he loves me every 20 min. it seems like. But suppose that is normal. At least he is trying to make me feel loved.

Today OP texted pictures of twins to H phone, and said which one is which.. H called right away and forwarded the picture to me, to let me know that she made contact. Good thing. But I just hate that this A, she will never be gone from us now. Unlike the ones with no OC.

I still get frightened to think maybe this happened because he really never wanted to let her go completely, and this is a way to still have OP in his life somehow.. It sucks, these feelings.. I know there are just my thoughts going on with no control. But now she has a kind of bond that I will never share with my H.

How often after OC do the FWH usually leave for them if they do decide to do that, and does it happen often, this is one thing I am still kind of scared might happen, they are in the same town 6 days a week, and it is 45 min. away.. I still have these thoughts that there is an emotional bond, but it just might be the OC bond. can't tell the difference between the 2. H really has stepped up his game with me, but still have my doubts, alot

He doesn't stay away without me, calls when leaving work everyday, tells me when she calls or texts. (that I know of, unless they are comunicating on his work phone).

Everything just seems more sexually directed now, tells me how sexy & hot I am, I say things Oh thats the reason you kept me cause I'm HOT, he says no cause I Love You. WTF is that, I don't know what love is anymore from him, is it words, feelings, or something deeper, those words just seem to easy to say anymore..

I know he loves me and says he is in love with me. But from a guy what do they really mean to them...

Me just rambling on. Have been doing alot of sleeping, and crying. But today, I colored my hair, got nails done, even splurged on a Starbucks. Yummy.

Tonight is our date night, WOW !!! MMA fights.. Just what he likes. But going and doing something in the town that she lives in.. Going to be seen with him in public, maybe by some of her friends

Still have not had our talk, I want to bring up about him not being able to promise to me that he will never do this to me again... After all I have been put through and still here and he can't promise me that this will never happen again.. WTF is this...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer1,

It doesn't sound to me like your H has any intention of leaving to be with OW/OC. It sounds like he is trying to do whatever you need to show you that he is sorry and commited to R . It is normal to have doubts, but it sounds like he is trying.

I hope you have fun on your date. It would be sweet for OW friends to see you out together and report back to her !

I hope your talk goes well .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just an update, things are goin just okay for me, date night went great. Had a wonderful time, some of the employees that work with H were there, and they new about the A. So I held my self with grace and dignity, and looked very HOT ... LOL

Still have not talked to H in great length yet, did mention that I didn't not want us to end up were we were before all this, not being to express emotions and feelings to eachother, He said that won't happen to us again, then why am I still frightened to talk about anything, I hate that he can't handel my emotions, and feelings, it ends up that he kind of crawls into this cave of his, he has never been a very comunicative person, but I need this to change, and be able to express what ever I feel at the moments, so it does not fester up inside me, Just wish I could talk with out my emotions getting involved in the conversation, H really does not like to see me cry, I know he should have thought of that before hurting me so deeply, but he just hates seeing the pain he caused me, I really would love for him to write some kind of letter to me, & express himself to me in it. ( Wishful thinking on my part).

Well not much contact with OP lately, but I know a bomb will drop any day on us.

Does anyone know when OP goes after CS do they take into account the spouses income, see I am not working havent for 4 years, but seriously thinking of going back to work, just don't know if it would be best to wait, till CS is decided on, or would it be ok now.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
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