My FWH used to use drugs a lot before I met him and did some casually while I was dating him as well. I knew all about this and did not give him a hard time at all about his past. When we were first married, we hung out with some friends who would occasionally smoke and he did as well with them - I new about these few times and didn't have a problem with it. But I thought this was only happening occasionally and with my knowledge. I actually did not really think about it or worry about it. OK - then we went on to have 2 beautiful children, buy a house, have what I thought was the "perfect family/marriage"! I was truly happy!
OK - then came the admission of the A which he explained as this - Right after our first som was born, he was out with friends from work one night (which I knew about) but got very drunk and called a former "friend" from college who he used to smoke with to see if he could get that or do that with her. He said that was the first time that he called her since college and he ended up smoking in her car and cheating on me for the first time that night. He has always maintained that this was "A drunken night" that spun out of control. He said that she would call him every few months after that threatening to tell me and so he would meet up with her to stop her from telling. Eaach meeting involved smoking and cheating. He swears that it was every few months and that it was only when she called and started threatening. OK - all that being said - we started MC and I decided to work on R from the beginning. We had two amazing kids who he was really a great father too and I was going to try my best to work through it!
OK - fast forward to this weekend - basically in a nutshell I found out that he was lying about lying! It turns out that he had been meeting up with her to smoke and get drugs from her since the beginning of our marriage and before our first child was born. He said that he didn't tell me because he knew the A stuff would kill me and he didn't want to make it worse. He still swears that it just started out as meeting her because he knew she could supply him with what he wanted and that the cheating really didn't start until a long time after (like he had said to me soon after our first child was born).
So, I don't know what to do with this - we had been going to MC for a year and working through this but now it is a completely different situation. The only thing that is keeping me think that I can get through this is that I am now thinking that the drugs really played and comtrolled him and this whole situation and that we never really looked at it that way. I am thinking that maybe if he/we really look at this more a a real drug problem then maybe he/we can work through this and save our marriage. I mean he was really living a double life throughout our marriage - one life was controlled by drugs and secrecy because of that and the other life was this great father, husband and family life. Seriously, we had told nobody except MC and no one still suspects a problem - that is how "normal" we look to everyone else! BUT if the drug life really made him lie/cheat and risk EVERYTHING - I have to think that that is a true drug problem!!!
I am sorry - this was so long but please help me with advice - is iot possible to save this marriage?
I believe, truly believe, that change is possible. But it is going to be a long long hard road and there are no guarantees. Your H has to want to do the work, the really really hard work. While I believe it is possible, I don't believe that many addicts actually accomplish it.
Is your H currently using?
We have remained together throughout this whole experience and like I said we have told nobody about this (except MC) and that is VERY important to me because if we get through this - I NEVER want my children to find out about this. My children (I really truly believe) are actually in a very loving family with a mother and father who love them more than words can explain and they have and still feel that way!
Sometimes I just wonder if I am doing the right thing by not leaving, seperating or even telling anyone else.
The hardest part (well one of them anyway) is that I never knew about any of this! AND that is disturbing on so many levels
I know what you mean!!! My H relasped and was using for 4 years totally behind my back. He was so good at keeping it hidden that I know he could do it again if he choose to.
My two older children do know about their dad's addiction. I have mixed feelings about that but since they know I try to see it as a positive. We can have frank discussions of the devastating effects about drug use/abuse now in a different way then when they didn't know. I do worry that we will hear "Well Dad did it" down the line though. Guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes.
Sounds like your H wants to make it. That's wonderful!!
Hang in there and just do the best you can each day and the future will take care of itself.
He is at his first NA mtg. tonight - well see how it goes...
It is so sad that he is a completely different person than the one I fell in love with and married decades ago. I feel I have given him chance after chance and it all just comes back to hurt me more and more. I have learned to stand my ground and not accept any of his cruel comments and lies. I am just sick to death of all of it.
In my opinion, I truly believe that the drugs were nothing more than a pain reliever for the real underlying issues that he just can't seem to bring to the surface and deal with them.
The majority of his healing will not even begin to take place if he doesn't acknowledge his emotional insecurities of his childhood. Most of addictions are due to some lack of emotional stigmas early on in life. The "family disease" becomes intergenerational and continues until it is recognized and out in the open. Like my WS, it does and did intensify in later years.
It is very difficult for them to go back to that period where you have to acknowledge that it is a parent whom you loved so much, but there is where the real problem lies.
Issues like controlling, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, selfish, lack of empathy, and especially looking at the parent childhood can be the deeply rooted issue affecting who they are and also the extreme pain they are experiencing.
Addiction is very complex and it controls everything you do. Though an addict knows right from wrong, he will continually justify and project his behavior onto his loved ones to make him feel better. Inevitably, the transferring of his behavior on us, when we have not yet realized that we aren't paranoid and crazy, affects our self worth, esteem and total lack of confidence. We fall apart at the drop of a hat, and can easily be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Then, hopefully, we need help for ourselves through SI or individual counseling. There , we are taught what we think seems selfish in ways, but is actually our best medicine in looking at ourselves and renewing who we really are.
The disappointments of the WS/addict will continue only if we let them. We have to stand our ground when their behavior is unacceptable and only be accountable for ourselves.
We all have the loving thoughts of rescuing our beloved, but after we go from being a doormat to the person we really are, life will change for us and then we will be stronger for the difficult decision of staying or letting them go. Either choice will have its anxiety, grief, stress and sadness that we will have to accept and the days of moving forward will be an outcome of peace in time.
Prayers to all of you who are dealing with such devastation and hurt. Please take care of you :)
I belong in this thread. My partner is an addict. It was kept from me for nearly two years, and as someone else has posted on this thread, it is most definately the lies that effect you more, imo. I found out in winter 08. He has been clean for 4 months.
D-day was 3 weeks ago. OP was my little sister (Guess I should be posting on the double betrayal thread as well). It lasted about 2 months or so, and he claims ended in August 08, and happened during the deepest grips of his addiction.
He wants to R. He has really thrown himself into his recovery, starting his 12-steps, attending more meetings, etc., and tells me everyday that he wants to 'be a better person'. And says he knows I wont believe him, and that is fine, that i should just wait and let him prove it.
I want to believe him so much. There is nothing I can do for him, and, these last 3 weeks have proved that, despite what I thought, I dont need him. Its only my love for him that will keep us together, but i'm not even sure of that anymore.
I just want to add, that he is not a bad person, although I told him that he was . And I never, ever expected him to do this to me, ever, ever, ever. I made the number one mistake of trusting him blindly. And now I have no idea what to do. We are currently seperated.
Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life.
all I have is hugs, no advice. Wish I did, I just know that I don't have any answers. This is a very slow thread...don't know why except maybe R'ing with a addict is so difficult, confusing, exhausting. I don't know.
Hang in there and check out al anon if you haven't already.
I've found it helpful researching addiction and specifically crack addiction. It is a lot different than other drugs in that it is the most addictive and can change even the most loving person. Crackheads are very deceiving and will take advantage wherever they can. It was just recommended to me to read a book called Co-Dependent No More to help become a stronger person. I hope this is of some help...stay strong!
Husband went to rehab over the weekend. We found out I am pregnant again. I moved out of our plave and moved back in with my mother. I can not afford to make it on my own.
He will be in rehab for 28 days. After that I am not sure what is going to happen.
I am going to look for low income apartments this weekend so my son and I can have our own place again.
I am so worried all the time. It is not good for me or the baby. I am 7 weeks along. I do not know what to do.
I love my husband and I want him to be there for his children, but I am scared that going to rehab was just a way to shut me up. But then again he has never taken this step before.
Thank you all again for listening.
I said he should be willing to do what I want even if it seems unreasonable to him, because it's the willingness that counts. Yes?
I totally agree. My WH said he could quit pot at any moment, because pot is not addictive. Yeah right. Then just quit, I dare you.
Sorry about that little tangent...got off track a bit.
Regarding your question above, yes, a WS should be willing to do whatever we (the BS) in order to heal and move forward. My WH refuses to take a poly - says it is "psycho" of me to want to do that. And he can't believe that I don't believe what he tells me. Seriously. Sigh....not sure why I am still hangin' on, but we are also separated and are about 7 months out from Dday.