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User Topic: R'ing with an addict
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a slow thread...but just wanted to say that if anyone needs some support...I'm here on SI almost every day.

Big Hug


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
justsad
♀ New Member
Member # 20652
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure that I belong in this forum but couldn't find another one that I thought was appropriate. I need some advice/words of encouragement. This is my story (short version):

About a year ago, FHW told me out of the blue that he had an A - but that he had ended it and she was still calling/bothering him and he couldn't take the guilt amymore and the secrecy and stuff so he told me. I was floored!!!! I had NO idea! (Actually about 5 months earlier I had a clue but I was SO dumb and trusting that I believe his story) Anyway - here's how it relates to this forum:

My FWH used to use drugs a lot before I met him and did some casually while I was dating him as well. I knew all about this and did not give him a hard time at all about his past. When we were first married, we hung out with some friends who would occasionally smoke and he did as well with them - I new about these few times and didn't have a problem with it. But I thought this was only happening occasionally and with my knowledge. I actually did not really think about it or worry about it. OK - then we went on to have 2 beautiful children, buy a house, have what I thought was the "perfect family/marriage"! I was truly happy!

OK - then came the admission of the A which he explained as this - Right after our first som was born, he was out with friends from work one night (which I knew about) but got very drunk and called a former "friend" from college who he used to smoke with to see if he could get that or do that with her. He said that was the first time that he called her since college and he ended up smoking in her car and cheating on me for the first time that night. He has always maintained that this was "A drunken night" that spun out of control. He said that she would call him every few months after that threatening to tell me and so he would meet up with her to stop her from telling. Eaach meeting involved smoking and cheating. He swears that it was every few months and that it was only when she called and started threatening. OK - all that being said - we started MC and I decided to work on R from the beginning. We had two amazing kids who he was really a great father too and I was going to try my best to work through it!

OK - fast forward to this weekend - basically in a nutshell I found out that he was lying about lying! It turns out that he had been meeting up with her to smoke and get drugs from her since the beginning of our marriage and before our first child was born. He said that he didn't tell me because he knew the A stuff would kill me and he didn't want to make it worse. He still swears that it just started out as meeting her because he knew she could supply him with what he wanted and that the cheating really didn't start until a long time after (like he had said to me soon after our first child was born).

So, I don't know what to do with this - we had been going to MC for a year and working through this but now it is a completely different situation. The only thing that is keeping me think that I can get through this is that I am now thinking that the drugs really played and comtrolled him and this whole situation and that we never really looked at it that way. I am thinking that maybe if he/we really look at this more a a real drug problem then maybe he/we can work through this and save our marriage. I mean he was really living a double life throughout our marriage - one life was controlled by drugs and secrecy because of that and the other life was this great father, husband and family life. Seriously, we had told nobody except MC and no one still suspects a problem - that is how "normal" we look to everyone else! BUT if the drug life really made him lie/cheat and risk EVERYTHING - I have to think that that is a true drug problem!!!

I am sorry - this was so long but please help me with advice - is iot possible to save this marriage?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2008
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((justsad)))

I believe, truly believe, that change is possible. But it is going to be a long long hard road and there are no guarantees. Your H has to want to do the work, the really really hard work. While I believe it is possible, I don't believe that many addicts actually accomplish it.

Is your H currently using?


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
justsad
♀ New Member
Member # 20652
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Openbook for responding. YYes - my H says he will do anything to save this M and now that the drug addiction is out in the open - he says he will do anything to work on that too. He swears that he is not using anymore and I think I believe him but I really don't know what is what anymore. Like I said we have been in MC since D-Day (which was like I said an admission by him when I really had NO idea). He has begun seeing our MC individually for now but she is giving him the names of other therapists, drug counselors, meetings, etc. HE still tells me constantly that he will do anything he needs to do for the rest of his life if that is what he needs to do! I have looked into Nar-Anon meetings around here and will probably start that, as he is also going to start NA meetings. The hardest part (well one of them anyway) is that I never knew about any of this! AND that is disturbing on so many levels (as far as the past and the future is concerned!).

We have remained together throughout this whole experience and like I said we have told nobody about this (except MC) and that is VERY important to me because if we get through this - I NEVER want my children to find out about this. My children (I really truly believe) are actually in a very loving family with a mother and father who love them more than words can explain and they have and still feel that way!

Sometimes I just wonder if I am doing the right thing by not leaving, seperating or even telling anyone else.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2008
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest part (well one of them anyway) is that I never knew about any of this! AND that is disturbing on so many levels

I know what you mean!!! My H relasped and was using for 4 years totally behind my back. He was so good at keeping it hidden that I know he could do it again if he choose to.

My two older children do know about their dad's addiction. I have mixed feelings about that but since they know I try to see it as a positive. We can have frank discussions of the devastating effects about drug use/abuse now in a different way then when they didn't know. I do worry that we will hear "Well Dad did it" down the line though. Guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes.

Sounds like your H wants to make it. That's wonderful!!

Hang in there and just do the best you can each day and the future will take care of itself.

open



Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
justsad
♀ New Member
Member # 20652
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your responses and support - tomorrow is 1 year since he told me about the affair.

He is at his first NA mtg. tonight - well see how it goes...


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
futureseemsbleak
♀ Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After taking WS back the first time, I really believed, at the very least, some truth would be said. Well, here we are S'd again and he has never been transparent about his A's and there hasn't been much respect.

It is so sad that he is a completely different person than the one I fell in love with and married decades ago. I feel I have given him chance after chance and it all just comes back to hurt me more and more. I have learned to stand my ground and not accept any of his cruel comments and lies. I am just sick to death of all of it.

In my opinion, I truly believe that the drugs were nothing more than a pain reliever for the real underlying issues that he just can't seem to bring to the surface and deal with them.

The majority of his healing will not even begin to take place if he doesn't acknowledge his emotional insecurities of his childhood. Most of addictions are due to some lack of emotional stigmas early on in life. The "family disease" becomes intergenerational and continues until it is recognized and out in the open. Like my WS, it does and did intensify in later years.

It is very difficult for them to go back to that period where you have to acknowledge that it is a parent whom you loved so much, but there is where the real problem lies.
Issues like controlling, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, selfish, lack of empathy, and especially looking at the parent childhood can be the deeply rooted issue affecting who they are and also the extreme pain they are experiencing.

Addiction is very complex and it controls everything you do. Though an addict knows right from wrong, he will continually justify and project his behavior onto his loved ones to make him feel better. Inevitably, the transferring of his behavior on us, when we have not yet realized that we aren't paranoid and crazy, affects our self worth, esteem and total lack of confidence. We fall apart at the drop of a hat, and can easily be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Then, hopefully, we need help for ourselves through SI or individual counseling. There , we are taught what we think seems selfish in ways, but is actually our best medicine in looking at ourselves and renewing who we really are.

The disappointments of the WS/addict will continue only if we let them. We have to stand our ground when their behavior is unacceptable and only be accountable for ourselves.

We all have the loving thoughts of rescuing our beloved, but after we go from being a doormat to the person we really are, life will change for us and then we will be stronger for the difficult decision of staying or letting them go. Either choice will have its anxiety, grief, stress and sadness that we will have to accept and the days of moving forward will be an outcome of peace in time.

Prayers to all of you who are dealing with such devastation and hurt. Please take care of you :)


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 9th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
ImTorn
♀ New Member
Member # 23947
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 10th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im new to this forum, and this is my first post.

I belong in this thread. My partner is an addict. It was kept from me for nearly two years, and as someone else has posted on this thread, it is most definately the lies that effect you more, imo. I found out in winter 08. He has been clean for 4 months.

D-day was 3 weeks ago. OP was my little sister (Guess I should be posting on the double betrayal thread as well). It lasted about 2 months or so, and he claims ended in August 08, and happened during the deepest grips of his addiction.

He wants to R. He has really thrown himself into his recovery, starting his 12-steps, attending more meetings, etc., and tells me everyday that he wants to 'be a better person'. And says he knows I wont believe him, and that is fine, that i should just wait and let him prove it.

I want to believe him so much. There is nothing I can do for him, and, these last 3 weeks have proved that, despite what I thought, I dont need him. Its only my love for him that will keep us together, but i'm not even sure of that anymore.

I just want to add, that he is not a bad person, although I told him that he was . And I never, ever expected him to do this to me, ever, ever, ever. I made the number one mistake of trusting him blindly. And now I have no idea what to do. We are currently seperated.


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2009
WorkinonMe
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Member # 24000
Target  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS relapsed at the beginning of this year. It was very difficult for me to understand all of the lies and stories and where they were coming from but now I know...Crack. He always smoked pot and I dismissed that for so many years but the devastation of the affair really made me look at our relationship and when he confessed to me in February after his relapse it all started making sense...all of my suspicions, doubts, fears, questions everything was answered right then and there. He refuses to admit that he has a problem and that he can just quit but with the research that I've done and what I've seen here and other forums I am slowly giving up hope for whatever once was if it was ever really what I thought it was. I just feel so taken advantage of and can only blame myself for being so nieve.


BS-30
WS-31
HS Sweethearts, Married 9 of 16 years together.
Kids - 2 (13,7)
D-Day: 9/6/2007

Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life.


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2009
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WorkinonMe&ImTorn))))

all I have is hugs, no advice. Wish I did, I just know that I don't have any answers. This is a very slow thread...don't know why except maybe R'ing with a addict is so difficult, confusing, exhausting. I don't know.

Hang in there and check out al anon if you haven't already.

open


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
heartbroken29
♀ New Member
Member # 21721
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my 2nd post. Short history.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have a 10 year old son. My husband's drug of choice is crack. He is addicted.
I have almost come to my breaking point. Every time I think he is actually doing good he takes off.
The last straw was this weekend. He took his check which was supposed to be used for groceries and blew it on drugs. I told him that he either gets help or get out. I have had enough.
And to make things worse, my son now knows what is going on. I can not go on like this any longer. Before he got out I had everything I could ever want except him. Now I have him and nothing else. He has taken everything and I continue allowing him back in.
I finally know that I am not the only one out there dealing with an addicted spouse. Thank you for listening. I have no one else to talk to.

heartbroken


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Jacksonville FL
WorkinonMe
♀ New Member
Member # 24000
Wink  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heartbroken29)))

I've found it helpful researching addiction and specifically crack addiction. It is a lot different than other drugs in that it is the most addictive and can change even the most loving person. Crackheads are very deceiving and will take advantage wherever they can. It was just recommended to me to read a book called Co-Dependent No More to help become a stronger person. I hope this is of some help...stay strong!

Workin'


BS-30
WS-31
HS Sweethearts, Married 9 of 16 years together.
Kids - 2 (13,7)
D-Day: 9/6/2007

Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life.


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2009
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Addicts of all kinds have the same kinds of issues. It is often biological and is difficult, if not impossible for them to change. They are liars and often have multiple addictions. If you are involved with an addict, prepare for a very rough road. The drug of choice, be it alcohol, pot, crack, meth, sex or whatever, comes first in their lives. Prepare and protect yourself. Get more education or job training. Save money and hide it. What ever you do, don't let the addict know you have some money stashed away. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
heartbroken29
♀ New Member
Member # 21721
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have an update.

Husband went to rehab over the weekend. We found out I am pregnant again. I moved out of our plave and moved back in with my mother. I can not afford to make it on my own.

He will be in rehab for 28 days. After that I am not sure what is going to happen.

I am going to look for low income apartments this weekend so my son and I can have our own place again.

I am so worried all the time. It is not good for me or the baby. I am 7 weeks along. I do not know what to do.

I love my husband and I want him to be there for his children, but I am scared that going to rehab was just a way to shut me up. But then again he has never taken this step before.

Thank you all again for listening.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Jacksonville FL
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken29,
You are in my prays and i do understand how you keep taking him back. Sooner or later and only when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired are you going to tell him enough. And it may not have to be the end of your marriage unless that is what you want. I have been through the same thing. When drugs became more important to him than his family eating or having money to pay the bills it was time for me to make a decision so he had to go and i had actually said it was over i could no longer take it. This all happened in March Of 09. He was in a program for 28 days not long enough. i told him I loved him but he could not come home until he was completely sober and a changed person because the drugs had changed him so much. when he finished that program he went right into another it is a spiritual base program and he is going strong still he is such a different person now and he will be there for another 6 months. Do i miss him? yes. But I know this is what he needs so i have to cut down my expenses a lot but that is ok because i much rather he get the help he needs to recover and remain recovered. You can Pm me if you like. you are in my prays.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, June 9th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if any of this is good or bad. My husband now has 98 days clean and has been in rehb the whole time. I didn't find out until a month in that he has had several ONS witht he neighbor and one with basically a prostitute/drug addict. He says the right things some of the time, but I don't feel anything coming from him. He says since he's been sober his emotions have flatlined. I think that's fairly normal for someone who's been in a drugged-out haze for nearly 30 years, but I tolf him to talk to his sponsor and rehab specialist about it. We have dates in the future for MC an d he's got a date for IC. I'm thinking of IC and maybe some anti-d's for myself. I have availed myself of all the articles, FAQ's, in the healing library and have emailed him lots of info I've gotten here. He of course wants me to "move on," says I am torturing myself and him needlessly by rehashing it all. I've tried to be clear that this is the process, some good days, some bad days. All his STD tests came back negative but I can't bring myself to contemplate going there. There was NO hysterical bonding, just me being clearer and calmer than ever. I want some emotion from him. Trying to get clear about my needs vs my wants for conditions of his return. I think 6 months sober, a steady job, and doing chores w/o being asked are so far my bare minimums. I also want to feel understood, that he cares enough to suffer with me, not just shut me down when it gets hard. He argues and has been nitpicky which I can't fathom. I told him maybe sometime in the future I could listen to his ideas about better grocery shopping, but that right now the only things I want to hear out of his mouth are love and support, seriously. Does this seem reasonable? He said of course he's willing to do whatever i want, "within reason." I said he should be willing to do what I want even if it seems unreasonable to him, because it's the willingness that counts. Yes?


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
longwaytofall
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Member # 23605
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CO -

I said he should be willing to do what I want even if it seems unreasonable to him, because it's the willingness that counts. Yes?

I totally agree. My WH said he could quit pot at any moment, because pot is not addictive. Yeah right. Then just quit, I dare you.

Sorry about that little tangent...got off track a bit.

Regarding your question above, yes, a WS should be willing to do whatever we (the BS) in order to heal and move forward. My WH refuses to take a poly - says it is "psycho" of me to want to do that. And he can't believe that I don't believe what he tells me. Seriously. Sigh....not sure why I am still hangin' on, but we are also separated and are about 7 months out from Dday.


Me - BS 27
Him - WH 32
Married almost 3 years
No children....one furry son
D-day #1 - 12/2/2008
D-day #2 - 12/3/2008
D-day #3 - 4/25/2009 (at Retrovaille)
Have a gut-wrenching feeling that I still don't know the entire truth


Posts: 50 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Ohio
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