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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R'ing with an addict
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

puka,

My boyfriend has told me that you can't get addicted to weed, but yet whenever he told me he would or had quit.. he'd do it again. He says he doesn't consider it a "drug"....

this scares me so much. It is so easy to write off pot...it seems so innocent especially when compared to other drugs and even alcohol.

Pot is a whole different thing to deal with...kind of like a silent killer.

I doesn't have the physiologically addictive properties like crack for example but it does slowly change the way the brain functions.

The lines your BF is feeding you are BS...spit it out! Do some research on your own and have some solid information on your side.

The most desctructive substance in my life has been pot. It has stolen years from me. But it only had that power because I allowed it. If I could go back and change things I would. I would continue to love and care about my H but I never would have married him. That is a painful thing to admit.

wishing you all the best and remember information and conviction are your best friends.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

puka,

i'm sending you hugs and thoughts because i know what you're going through.

while, yes things are so much more complicated and difficult when there are children and/or a marriage involved, it's really unfair to diminish the relationships people are in because those components are not factors. ultimately, the decision to R or not should be a choice of those in the relationship no matter other factors. i have decided to R with my boyfriend, and although i know things are not going to be easy, it's a path i'm willing to cross at this point in my life. will i always? i have no idea, but at this point i am.

update on my bf: things are slowly getting better. he's been clean for 2 weeks tomorrow. he's admitted that he's an addict, in his roundabout sort of way. our lines of communication are so much better, but it's just a start. we'll see...


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

claudia...

I was not trying to diminish the meaning of Pukas relationship...just asking her to think about herself first. Put her life and value first before his.

If she is looking for someone to have a family with in the long run...someone who believes pot is not a drug wouldn't be a wise choice...

If their relationship is meant to be...then it will be...but it is up to her to choose what she is willing to put up with.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8324 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
brknluv
♀ New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sad for all of us here...my STBXWH and I have two toddlers together and because of his addiction and the emotional toll it took on me I decided to go NC with him since June 13,2008. My last words to him was that I would not allow him to see our children until he made a commitment to sobriety and enroll in a drug program. I will not subject my children to his habitual drug use and see him high around my kids any longer. They will grow up to think it's normal and it's not.

Regardless of what has happened to our failed marriage bottom line is, he put his needs before his children. It's not in my place to punish him but it is in my place to protect the safety of our children.

He hasn't seen his children in two months and has had no contact whatsoever. I never forbid him to call but ultimately it's been his choice to continue his destructive behavior. If I allow him to see the children and they become attached to him, how do I explain to my very young children if he dies because of his substance abuse?

Here I am trying to pick up the pieces to my life and soul because I thought I could stand by my H and help him overcome his demons. I finally realized that I can't help him...he needs to want it and change it himself.

I wish everyone luck and yes, read up on co-dependency books and see if you see yourself in that situation to make any final decisions.


(edited for spelling)

[This message edited by brknluv at 11:31 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brknluv)))

You are a courageous and wise woman. You're right to protect your children and you're right to go NC. Your H just might save his life because of it.

wishing you and your babies all the best!


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brknluv...good job in standing up for your kids in your situation.

My H's ex-wife is an addict as well...she has completely abandoned my step-son(9)

My H is sober now, and in hindsight, his drunken behavior around the kids, had it continued, would have probably knocked me off the fence eventually, even if he had not been caught cheating.

I pray that my H can stay sober, he is the only parent left really for my SS...

What can you tell a kid whose mom/dad chooses drugs over them?

We are as honest as possible.
I always tell my stepson that I am sure that his mom does love him in her heart, but that she is lost because of her drug problem, and she has to find herself before she can be a good mother to him.

She'll sober up for a week or so...try to contact him, tell us shes getting better, then dive right back in.

Sending prayers to all the kids affected by addicted parents....


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8324 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
halfbaked
♀ Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had been R with an addict untill last Sun. I thought things where getting better in our marriage he had slipped up & I busted him high a few times but he always promised. Well he had bought me some jewelry earlier that week & I found the reciept he lied about how much it cost by $125. When I confronted him he denied at first but finally told me he spent it on drugs & told me he wanted a D. The next day I had 5 or 6 people call me to let me know he had been cheating on me with a girl that waits tables at the bar & grill he worked at. Now since Feb he has lost 3 jobs, his truck, his home, wife & kids all for a pill. I am so heart broken & I know I have got to D him. I just dont know if I will be strong enough.

I am sorry I couldnt find one that is for D an addict & I am going crazy & needed someone to talk to. My freinds dont want to hear about it because they think I'll let him come back agian.

To everyone who is R I wish you so much luck. But do not let them get away with anything I dont think this would hurt so bad if I'd listen to my gut.


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((halfbaked))))

Hang in there sweetie. Keep focused on taking good care of yourself and your kids.

I'm here to listen and I can offer a cyber shoulder to cry on if you need it.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
brknluv
♀ New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Openbook & Healingtree I'm trying day by day. My children give me the strength to move forward.

Hang in there Halfbaked, it is a difficult decision and it is hard to let go of an addict. I hung in there for my stbxh somehow convincing myself that I could help him with his addiction and somehow forgive the first A, then the second A. I couldn't do it anymore. I deserve so much more and so do you.

My prayers to all and I'll keep posting because although I know that I made the right decision, I still ache for the man I once knew and pray that he seeks recovery.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see that some in here are dealing with addict boyfriends. I'm not alone...Yay!

Although R isn't even a consideration at this point, I'm glad others are giving it a shot. Maybe if he'll get a lot of long term treatment I'll think about it but not now.

Good luck!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
hope610
♀ Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can not imagine staying as long as I did if we weren't married or hadn't had 2 children. If you are not married at least you should separate or just be friends until your addict can become sober.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow... I guess R 'ing with an addict takes so much time and energy we haven't any left for this thread.

Know that I am thinking of you all!


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah..I'd like to hear more in this thread...:)


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone know how to balance "staying out" of your S's recovery and staying connected and in the know enough to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship with them??

I didn't write that well but I think you all will get my question.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
HOW is everyone doing this week?

I think this thread is important...my WS is a former drug/alcohol abuse (many moons ago) but the porn was hidden & went on until our 1st D-day...

See my sig. line...

I'm still not ready for him to come home yet...but we need to encourage one another here!

Interestingly, my Ws says that even though he won't drink ...he feels like it now that he isn't acting out sexually now...

Do any of you blog about your WS's addiction?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not many folks posting? Anyone having any luck R'ing with an addict?

Good luck to all

I'm just looking in from the sidelines (no R in process with alcoholic stbxwh)...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so far, so good with me. in fact, my fwbf and i took a mini camping vacation last week and had some really good conversations about his cheating and his addictions and how they've impacted me. we definitely connected on a level we hadn't yet, which gives me home. granted, we haven't been at it for too long, but i guess you've gotta start somewhere.


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
halfbaked
♀ Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all! I took my H to rehab Monday night. I havent been able to talk to him yet I have to wait till tomarrow. I have called each evening to check on him & the nurses say he is doing better than expected. He has alot of depression & thats about it for now. I am so proud that he got himself in this program.

I am really pissed right now though. My in-laws called a little while ago & said when they called to check on him earlier they got to talk to him. First of all why would the rehab not follow the rules??? 2nd I am his wife the only one who told him he needed this & I haent got to talk to him. I havent even tried I call once a day ask how he is doing & that is it. Maybe its wrong of me to be so upset over this but I am pissed

I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me on how to help him when he gets out.

Also I really wasnt planning on letting him come home right after rehab (I wawnted to do some MC first). But on the way to rehab he mentioned that he told his room mate he'd probably be living at home after he got out. I didnt say anyting about it. After thinking about it his room mate does drugs to & doesnt care to share. So wouldnt it be best if I did let him come home after he got out??? Dont get me wrong I love him so much & cannot wait untill he is back home with us but I also want to make sure he plans on staying clean & doing whats best for his family first rather than having to go through moving him in & right back out it is to hard on me & the kids so I dont know.

Thanks in advance for any advice


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't have first hand experience on this, but all i can say is go with your gut feeling. it's usually right. how long is his rehab program? if you have a few weeks at least, i would recommend starting IC if you aren't already. perhaps a therapist can help you sort out how you're feeling about him coming home and the repercussions of him moving in or not. good luck! and stay strong sweetie!


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
halfbaked
♀ Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is supposed to be in for 10 days. I really cant afford IC right now. He has been unemployed since he left & I just passed my state boards last month. Since going to work before school started not only meant I would have to pay for daycare for my kids but that I would also loose the $500 I get a month for the kid I babysit (easy money) I decided to wait until they went back to school to start working. I had $3000 stashed back but that is gonna be gone in a week or 2 when I finish paying this months bills.

Well me & the kids just got home. H had to have anti depressants & for some reason they made me bring them to him prescribed by his family Dr. We got to see him even though he wasnt supposed to have visitors untill after tomarrow. I told them I wouldnt be able to come back untill he was released since it is an hour & a half drive each way & they said they understood & let me see him for a few minutes. He looks so good not high I swear you can really tell a differance in his over all looks.

[This message edited by halfbaked at 9:25 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
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