Like missy, I'm a little more focused on the hands off support. Missy says not divorcing him is support enough. True. And some of the things I'm doing, such as creating time for him to go to AA (not forcing, not reminding, not prodding - just offering to be home with the kids) are more indirect support. I suppose I could require him to get a babysitter. But I want to be home and all I'm doing is communicating to him my schedule.
Right now, though, I'm backing off being a cheerleader. That kind of support feels unhealthy and, frankly, it doesn't do jack shit. Expressing appreciation, as missy says, is about all I can do. I ask sometimes how he is feeling being sober.
Tired, I can't even discern right now if he is doing the work, you know? I get that you feel support can be tied to someone who is in recovery. I agree. He is sober. Going to IC, AA. But that isn't the work in and of itself. As a wise SIer told me - attending meetings and therapy isn't necessarily the work. Doing the work goes so much farther than that, truly working the 12 steps. Anyway, I'm too new to this to assess his work, and I'm too detached right now anyway. That's down the road for me, but I do think al anon would agree that supporting someone in active, meaningful recovery is an important part of the process.
We talked about apologizing last night at my al anon meeting. It devolved into discussing anger. We hold onto our anger as a way to feel powerful. Which I guess I knew but in looking at the al anon steps and admitting our powerlessness over others and alcohol...this idea of rage or anger as a self serving tool of power hit me like a ton of bricks.
Is codependency kind of assume for those of us with addicts?
I wish you the best of luck with step 4. That looks crazy hard. I'll get there one day, too, with al anon. Even if we D, I plan to work the steps since he is my co parent.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 7:18 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]
I am in the middle of another one right now. This one is filled with much more emotion. The focus in more on our relationship and family. It is how I put other people before myself.
Every time I do step work it strips from me these preconceived notions of who I am or who I think I should be and shows me glimpses of who I want to be and who I really am.
When people really do step work, I mean really do it you will know. The change in their demeanor and personality will be glaring.
So is everyone in R co dependent? I realize a lot probably are but I guess I didnt think that supporting a wayward was necessarily a flag for co dependency. I mean, they are all bonded to and supporting someone who has trashed them.
For me, my H has shown issues with alcohol the entire marriage but the admission of alcoholism was recent (although I've probably been in denial about it, too). His drug use was totally hidden. So, in a way, I didn't even know I was being hurt, so bonding with him or whatever wasn't co dependent.
I think I'm confused. But also totally interested. Do you think that working the steps in al anon will help with any minor or residual co dependency? I mean, a lot of it is owning your powerlessness and leaving the alcoholic to their own devices (largely) in recovery.
I can see how the SA has been more of a struggle. I can. Not to minimize any other addictions but sex is inherent to a healthy marriage yet it has also been the source of immense pain. I have an eating disorder and there are some similarities there in the sense that I have to eat food but food has been my enemy, too. You can't cut it out like you can with alcohol and drugs.
Thanks for coming back to this thread.
Chico - I started working on the 4th step but my IC asked me to wait and concentrate on preparing myself for the new disclosure we are having next week. I think it will have a lot more in it than last time. Hope you are having great success with yours!