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User Topic: R'ing with an addict
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Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I'm in IC, and thank you so much for your concern. I've told my mom about some of this, I have her full support but she's very old, frail, and doesn't live here, so there's not anything she can do. Not to mention she's one of the main one's who pounded the Good Christian Wife horseshite into my head. I regret all the advice from her I ever followed, and I still hear her voice on the "mental tapes" that play in my head. She & I were speaking a few days ago about my situation (she had witnessed an incident between me & WH), and she started in with a not-so-subtle commentary about how a sister of mine wasn't physically affectionate with HER husband. I immediately cut Mom off and told her, "Don't you DARE even hint that this is my fault!" Then burst into tears & had to run from the room.

I did tell a friend IRL about some of this right after DDay. I have noticed that this friend no longer contacts me or responds to my attempts to contact her.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard knowing who to go to for support. Before DDay my WH was the person I always turned to.

WHs parents know and are very supportive of me but I'm a little uncomfortable expressing some of my feelings to them, because they are after all, still his parents. I have also told one close friend IRL. In fact WH has told her H too. They are supportive and my friend is there for me but I feel she thinks I'm crazy to stay in the M. We still socialize with them but I do feel things have changed. I know they think differently about WH now.

I could never tell my mother. She is 85, lives in a different country, and thinks the world of my WH. She has a heart condition and I honestly think the stress and upset telling would cause might kill her.

I find this a very lonely situation to be in as really we only have ourselves to rely on.

Me-BW 47
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
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Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone help me please? My wife is a cheat, coke addict and alcoholic. I just found out that she fucks her dealer. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I attempted suicide last month after the first d-day. I'm pretty fragile.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, if someone out there could please help, pm me a phone number? Please? I'm so desperate for someone to talk to.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken - I just you a pm.

Posts: 30752 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(for Broken_Husband)

[This message edited by jo2love at 8:57 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]

Posts: 30752 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH abuses marijuana, nothing else. He also suffers from depression and anxiety. It's so hard to get him the help he needs. I told him if he doesn't clean up on his own we're moving out of the country to some place he can't get MJ for fear of ending up in a deplorable foreign prison until he gets clean (I work in international development so this could really happen).

Me (36): BW
Him (28): WH
Married: 3 years,together 7, 3 year old daughter, expecting #2 soon.
DD: Jan. 2012
R: working on it

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2012
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Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been in 5 treatment centers in 3 years, 3 of which were 30 day treatments, 2 detox centers one with 30 day intensive outpatient. In jan this year he was in IOP after detox and fucking a hooker every week of IOP...and had screwed another one in Dec (he cant even remember this girl, he acknowledges it, but thinks its his reg hooker, not the 22 yr old one i know it reason to lie either, i really dont think he remembers her), but he did it.

He also says he was drinking a 750ml bottle of vodka a day (when i was working nights) and on the nights i was home he just drank a pint to sustain himself from being ill.

He blacked out all the time, including totalling a truck and driving it home with no windshield and didnt even know he had crashed!

He started smoking weed and drinking at age 10..meth at age 14, stopped all of it (and alcohol) at age 20 and we married, and was sober 7 yrs, great years.

He relapsed and saw a hooker in Mexico in the red light district during a hunting trip..this was 18 yrs ago..i found out 4 yrs later. Never really been sober since. I remember having an EA myself around the time just before i found out about hooker number 1..out of pure l loneliness. We had only had sex maybe 2 times in 5 months and somehow i managed to get pregnant. I only met EA one time for dinner, no kissing no nothing, i think i was just seriously LONELY. But with WH i have (except when he was on vicoden, which was often back then) had a good sex life, atleast 2 times per week.

I have stood by him (I confessed the EA when i found out about his hooker issue, during counceling, and he didnt seem bothered by it, but rather excited about it sexually..go figure)...still back then i didnt even realize it was an EA i had, just a friend that was a male that i told my issues too and let him tell me how much he wanted me i feel no guilt.

for 20 yrs i have dealt with his addictions, alone and with alanon, but alanon isnt something that seems to work for me.

Now with his new addiction to sex, which he denies (but ummm...prostitutes totalling 3,000 dollars in 2 months...i think we have an issue) but does admit he saw the hooker to try to make himself feel better because he was so broken inside.

BROKEN...fuck his broken, what about my so broken there isnt glue enough in the world to fix!

She made him feel good about himself while he drank, and he says he only completed "sex" once out of half a dozen 500.00 visits with her because he was too drunk...I asked him what did you do for an hour if you couldnt have sex...answer..."talked, drank, then did our thing"...did what thing??? blowjobs that didnt work, fucking that didnt work, and hand jobs that didnt work, until he said he would just tell her forget it and hold her.

funny the holding her hurts as bad as the bjs, fucks and hj's.

I was there beside him for every family group..the one who took him to the hospital each time, drove him to AA...

yet im the one who feels like she got "fucked".

can you tell I'm mad?

Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
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Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband confessed to using cocaine...he said he cant stop on his own. this was after i caught him sexting some woman he met on the internet. he said that when he gets drunk he wants to do coke...and that the coke makes him have these intense sexual urges....and that is why he did the sexting.

is he full of shit?

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
broken <3
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Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWS says that he cheated because I always flip flopped on his weed addiction.
So, in my mind, if I'm "tolerant" on his weed issues - he won't cheat?
I don't get it... And add insult to injury - Im an addictions worker - assessment & referral.
I'm at such as loss... I know better...

Me - BS mother of 10month old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
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Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too.

My H has a weed addiction. There, I said it. I know people think we can't get addicted to weed, but I swear it's possible. My H smokes more than once per day - practically all day long. I don't - I have to be a responsible parent. That means no drugs for me. Ever. For the rest of my life.

On our wedding night, we had been away with family for a few days, and he hadn't smoked any weed (they don't know - my mother is a former heroin addict). Well, when we consummated our wedding, he said lightheartedly, "I'm sorry I've been such a jerk all week. It's because I haven't had any weed to smoke. See, it's a tradeoff, when I'm on weed, I'm in a good mood, but I don't want sex as much..." And he smiled like I should understand, like I should be glad of the tradeoff, just say "oh well, sex for drugs, that's okay".

I think that's when I realized that my needs were not important to him.

This is coming up today because we just came back from another family trip. A particularly drama-filled one. He didn't have his fix on the trip, so he was predictably in a bipolar mood. Well, my great-grandmother gave us $100. He was already bugging me to get $50 of it so he can go buy weed this weekend with his friend (he already went today, and he has some left over from last week).

I feel deeply, deeply hurt that he wants to use the money that my kindhearted great-grandmother gave us to smoke his f*cking weed and further destroy our marriage by destroying his desire for intimacy.

He saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong. I said it wasn't a nice thought and I shouldn't say anything. He pried. I told him. He made some snide comment about me being unsatisfied or ungrateful. Yes, I am very thankful for the times we get to have sex more than once a week. I know that I'm lucky to have that much with him. Even though he has not "made love" with me since the beginning of our relationship. Now it's just sex. He doesn't care about my needs or feelings.

I would love to blame the weed. But I'm pissed enough that he already does blame the weed.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
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Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...And now he's just said that the reason why he won't watch our son, even to walk with him up and down the hallways while I am in here recovering from a bad cold, is because of his weed. That's why, from the very start, he hasn't watched our son. He doesn't want to expose him to weed, and he doesn't want to accidentally drop him.

You know, I could almost say it's thoughtful of him to not want to expose our son to drugs, that he cares enough to not want to risk our son's health. But the reality is, he's choosing drugs above our son. He's not quitting his drugs; so he's choosing to not confront his addiction for the sake of our son. But instead he uses it to justify not taking care of our son himself as "the healthiest thing".

Well, as angry as I am, I am NOT going to deprive our little boy of a loving healthy mother. My therapist calls me a single parent; that's what I am then.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
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Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@NotMetoo & Nature Girl...

One of the things that hurts the most is the fact that we can't always tell our closest family members and friends. If this were any other stressful life event, we could go to our support system right away, but because many of us still try to work out our relationship with the WS, we can't say a thing. Whatever we would say would not only devastate some of our family members, but complete warp the view of our WS in their eyes. The one female friend that I did confide in is no longer my friend. All she said was for me to "break-up" with my WH, and that was it. We had two convos about it, and then she stopped taking my texts and calls. All anyone ever seems to tell us is to break-up or divorce, and gets mad at us when we try to work it out. But I want someone to be support of our Ring.

For everyone...
I agree that addictions run co-morbid with other addictions. My WS has just been diagnosed with SA, but he's been dealing with compulsive shopping for years.

BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
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Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is a SA. He has also been addicted to alcohol, weed, cocaine, and done basically every drug that doesn't require injection (he hates needles). I also seriously believe he is addicted to secrets and lies. It's very scary living with an addict and their UPS and downs, even if they are in recovery.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
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Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, September 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I found this thread so late. This is a subject where I am a madhatter.

I am an addict. I have been clean for 9 years. By clean I mean: NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, NO SEX outside my Relationship.

Addiction is a disease that you can never fully understand unless you have it. Even therapists and councilors don't really get it.

Addiction is an obsessive/compulsive disorder, where the tick is self. Addicts cant think of anything, say anything, or do anything that doesn't revolve around themselves. They have a hole in there gut, or a sense of dis-ease, that there is something incomplete with them inside. They obsessively search for something that will fill that hole and make them complete: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, food, sports, work, money, you name it. These things work for a short period of time, then the guilt sets in and the hole grows. This is where the cycle of compulsion starts. "Whats next? I need more!!!"
Most addicts I know are sensitive, loving, caring people. They dont want to hurt anyone but that need to fill themselves and the guilt from doing it is so overpowering that they cant stop.

I have found freedom from this vicious cycle ONLY through vigilant 12 step work in a 12 step fellowship. My priorities in order are:
1. 12 Step Fellowship
2. Relationship/Family
3. Work
In any other order I will eventually destroy everything around me.

I am also in a relationship with an addict. The last six years have been a cycle of relapses and A. For her the addiction was the reason (not excuse) for everything. That is her story and I will let her tell it. DDAY was Black Friday 2011 and TT until 9/11/12, when the whole truth came out.

We are in R. We are working vigilantly on R from many different angles. "THE DEAL BREAKER" for me would be lack of 12 step work on her part. If that stops so does the R. I know from my experience and the experience of many others, that It Works...

BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where to put details
Never thought I'd say this about 12 step groups. I went for twenty one years - alanon, coda, fa. Thought I'd always go. I am so grateful- will always be grateful that my life and my WH's life as addict- were changed 26 years ago. But! But! At least 3 of his 4As were also addicts. And he met them through this. And I haven't been to a meeting for 6 years (day D for all 4As 10/2/06.) I didn't know about this forum then and struggled through - finally happy for a few years- then in August I discover he broke NC back in 2007 by going to work in a treatment centre where OW#4 worked!! I now detest AA and all female addicts. OW was a sex addict and a sex addiction COUNSELLOR

I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartlikeawheel.. this scares me. I've been telling my SAWH that he must commit to this for me to even consider R... He loves attention from women and the thought that he would meet someone there is horrible... especially someone who is new to recovery. These reasons right here make me question why I am still considering R. Why do I want this for the rest of my life??

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartlikeawheel.. this scares me. I've been telling my SAWH that he must commit to this for me to even consider R... He loves attention from women and the thought that he would meet someone there is horrible... especially someone who is new to recovery. These reasons right here make me question why I am still considering R. Why do I want this for the rest of my life??

This scares the living hell out of me as well. My wife is an addict or big proportions. She is bipolar and ADHD as well. She is an alcoholic. A drug abuser, and although undiagnosed by her therapist, she fits every model of female sex addiction I have ever read (and with ehr unfortunately have lived through with multiple DDays involving exhibitionism, mOM, anonynous sex with strangers (a parking lot blow job after knowing a man for an hour and doing shots with him)..all in the name of "someone else" telling her she is desireable. Yeah, definite SA.

She has been sober from everything (that I know of), for over six months, she is no type of recovery group or 12 step program (therapy and bipolar meds are the extent of her process). So in reality and by definition, she is just a dry drunk, a dry SA and drug abuser. But honestly, I would be petrified for her to join a group with a bunch of other sick and broken people, because my money bets she would be in backseats with them instead of attending her meetings.

This is a horrible existence. I wont lie, I hate it. But she is trying, I am trying to have Hope. We have three young boys together. My WW is a professional and is intelligent and beautiful, but she is extremely mentally sick, very emotionally broken and emotionally immature. I am trying to hole things together for the sake of Love alone, but knowing the things she has done, things she is capable of doing, and the disease of comorbid addiction that she will always carry drains me to my core everyday.

[This message edited by whatashame90 at 3:16 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
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Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To add my 2 cents to this discussion and to give my experiences, I will say that 12 step for a Sex Addict is essential. Yes, it is true that addictions tend to overlap, and that an alcoholic or drug addict has a higher percentage chance of also being a sex addict. 12 step does work though for SA, but it cannot be the SA's only tool. They also need a CSAT. They need to hit the addiction from all angles with multiple resources to address the core issues. Otherwise they are just "dry drunks".

As for not wanting your WS to attend a SA group because of the potential of hooking up with another member, most SA groups are exclusive to males or females. SA's should absolutely NOT ever attend a group with the opposite sex. I know in my area, there are not mixed groups, and any good CSAT would not approve of it, either.

Heartlikeawheel, I am sorry you are hurting. But the 12 step group isn't to blame. Your WH has never gotten to the bottom of his issues of why he struggles with addiction. I think that there are a lot of people who go to 12 step and never hook up with anyone else. And as for OW being a sex addiction counselor, I would hope she was not a CSAT. Because if she was, she should lose her accreditation. That is horrible. As I already mentioned, it is not the norm for SA's to go to mixed 12 step groups. I also would not want my H to see a female CSAT for sex addiction.

Lastin, I have read your other posts. Your WH is NOT in any sort of recovery. Going to see a counselor alone is not indicative of recovery. He needs to be seeing a CSAT, actively working the steps, and doing other recovery activities on top of that. He may have a dozen reasons not to go to 12 step (may meet someone, most groups are not mixed or he can't go because of his profession...I call bullshit on that, as my H has all kinds of professionals in his group), but they aren't valid. Making the sort of manipulative statements he is to you, also says he doesn't get it. He should be content to work on himself and his recovery until you can see change. That may take years. Lastin, please seriously consider not giving in to him. Please get help for YOU, and work on yourself right now.

These reasons right here make me question why I am still considering R. Why do I want this for the rest of my life??

Whatashame90, your situation is complicated. People who are bipolar also can exhibit signs of SA during manic periods. She really needs to be on the meds and stabilized and then have an evaluation with a CSAT to determine if she is indeed a SA. I highly recommend that you seek out help for yourself. Getting yourself to an emotionally healthy place needs to take precedence. You can't fix her. You need to be healthy though for your children.

Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatashame90, your situation is complicated. People who are bipolar also can exhibit signs of SA during manic periods. She really needs to be on the meds and stabilized and then have an evaluation with a CSAT to determine if she is indeed a SA. I highly recommend that you seek out help for yourself. Getting yourself to an emotionally healthy place needs to take precedence. You can't fix her. You need to be healthy though for your children.

Thanks you for your insight and advice. Believe that me of all people know just how complex (and entirely fucked) this situation has turned out to be. Her bipolar fueled her alcohol abuse (and drug abuse) and then in turn fueld her A's and sexual exhibitionism in the form of taking picures of herself naked or masturbating (always with her ring finger showing off her rock I put there) and sending them to any man that showed her the LEAST amount of attention. She always said it had nothing to do with sex, but about the "someone else" scenario. But from there, she was always willing to get physical with them (and did), but used the alcohol to numb herself to the acts because she has never in her life associated sex with love or emotion (not even with me...although she put up an ocean of wonderful lies to make me beieve otherwise throughout our years and children together).

Now that she is medicated, she has little interest in sex except on rare occasions (sexual anorexia, anyone??), and almost always ends up with a UTI soon after (which makes no sense...any ladies here that could comment on that one, I would love to hear theories). She no longer even masturbates..hasn't in six + months, feels A-sexual, etc.

I assumed she would begin to normalize a little as time passed, especially after six months, but she has become even less appealing as a wife now that she is clean and sober (sick thought, I know, but just being as honest as possible). She used to be sexy and fun and outgoing and sexually charged with me, and now she is just blank. Still shops like mad, obsesses over nothing important, starts projects she never finishes, works four different part time jobs (nurse practitioner/physican assistant), spends little time giving me any "marital attention" outside of child rearing and household needs, etc.

And on top of it all, I still don't trust her as far as I can throw her 115lb. ass because she isn't working any real program. Although her therapist is a PhD that specializes in FOO issues, marital counseling and mental health issues, she has never once suggested that my WW speak with the CSAT that works for her in her practice. The therapist has grouped her addictions as all the same thing. I respectfully disagree.

ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
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