Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.
I wish I could tell you if you owe him or not, but it honestly depends on what agreement you two made about how to divide the bills/payments and whether M was part of that agreement.
Overall, my advice would be to get out. If he's an active alcoholic with no intention of getting sober and you have no other ties to him than money, I'd get out ASAP. I certainly wouldn't be looking to marry him. Being 12 years into a M with an alcoholic, I can tell you that it only gets worse until they get sober.
Sorry if that's not what you were looking for. I'd just hate to see you go down the same shitty path I did.
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
I have started to do some research on the topic of approval/ love addiction because I think my WH has problems with this. Ironically, after all my reading I'm starting to think that I do to. I haven't started IC yet -- too much to juggle with MC and FWH's IC starting up -- but this is definitely a topic I need to personally explore.
I also want FWH to ask about it for himself, because part of the reason he gave me for the two As he had were because he liked feeling wanted and needed by these women. He has always been a "flirt" -- to the extent of going to far even when I'm around. He even told me that he knowingly flirts with my one of my best friends because he knows she thinks FWH is better than her H and that makes him feel good.
FWH is constantly wanting to have his ego stroked -- but in all honestly since DDay #2 I've seen improvements a bit in this area. One of our big relation problems has always been that he only contributes emotionally and physically (like helping around the house) to a small degree, but then wants all kinds of thanks and praise for the little bit that he's done.
What kinds of questions did you have?
[This message edited by plzwakeme at 12:59 PM, January 27th (Thursday)]
Is it "normal" for the addict to tell you how much he loves you and wants you and his kids, and his family back one day, then the next, act like he is the happiest soon-to-be-single person on the planet? Or is that just my particular WH? Does anyone else feel that the A is secondary to the drinking (or drugs, SA, etc.), or is that just me and my situation?
I am very lost, very hurt, and so very confused. I have lived with an alcoholic for 18 years. I have done my time cleaning up his messes (still am), and I have spent countless hours crying and trying to make sense of what I have become as a result of his actions and choices. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become so codependent, I am owning it.
Is there any hope at all for a true R with a person like this? How do I know when to give up? What does giving up completely look like? What does it feel like?
I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become so codependent, I am owning it.
Al-Anon is helping me. I cannot encourage you enough to find a group that you are comfortable with and attend meetings and read the literature.
Is there any hope at all for a true R with a person like this?
I don't know. I'm wondering that myself. Sometimes I don't think so. I would like to hear from others in this situation. I ride the rollercoaster from "oh, hell no," to "I'm not bailing out on what I've invested in this house and this relationship."
Up and down.
Maybe giving up is accepting the fact that this person whom we love, will never be able to love us, because of the addiction. I don't know, either. I wrestle with it all the time. I'm leaving, I'm not leaving.
Keep in touch. Wishing you peace and serenity.
Thanks for the reply.
WH is currently still drinking, but he is very clear when he tells me that he drinks a lot less now because he doesn't have the stress of living with me anymore.
He has "connected" with women from his past, and is telling me how much they help him; one specifically. Since he has been talking to her, I have been treated worse; I can only imagine the crap he says to her about me, the lies he tells. He calls himself a loser and an asshole frequently, yet he walks around like he is God's gift to the planet most days. This outward veneer addicts show to the world (and especially to OP) is sickening. I just keep thinking that there are women out there that think I am Satan, and think that he is wonderful because of his addict-addled brain.
I have no idea if R'ing with an addict, no matter how much I love him, is a good idea, especially if he does not address the underlying issues that cause him to drink in the first place. He is only beginning to touch those issues in IC.
Friday he was ready to save the house and move home because he loves me and the kids so much. Saturday he yelled at me and hung up on me because I asked him to drop by and help out with my dryer. Yesterday he wants to know why I am ignoring him. I tell him it is because his words and actions hurt me. I get a simple "sorry" text in reply, then nothing else. He will now ignore me until I have to contact him, then he will be an asshole. This is the way my life with an addict has been for 18 years. This up and down, he loves me, he loves me not stuff. It is so very hard. I have no answers either, only heartache and pain.
Strength and many, many hugs to you!
My ws hasn't been looking at any in about two weeks now, almost. Yet when I asked him he admitted he hadn't been then got this forlorn, longing look on his face. I asked him did he actually miss it. He couldn't talk but turned red faced and nodded yes.
Oh, the question: Is this normal???
[This message edited by twistedupinside at 11:48 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]
I had to leave him there alone because I was so angry. I'm still so angry - he was 14 months sober from alcohol and denied using any drugs, prescription or otherwise. Boy, did he have me fooled. I guess we were in false R after all, just when things were seeming to go so well.
This morning, after 2 hours sleep, I am numb. I believe he will be discharged - I don't think he will be kept for psych eval or anything. Plgh! I really just want to puke and don't know what to do. Should I even go to pick him up, or should I just leave him to find his own way? Should I let him back in or should I lock him out? I know I just can't do this anymore - I've had too many years of this and I'm exhausted. I don't even know if I love him any more after that, yesterday I was so sure I did, WTF?
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm six feet underground
- Rhyme & Reason DMB
Thanks for letting me vent!
Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!
Do you have friends or family who know whats going on who can give you support? I see you have 3 young kids who you homeschool. It must be hard for you to get any time to yourself. Im sure you're a fabulous Mom but you need to take care of yourself too. Are you in IC? If not I think you would find it helpful in dealing with all the emotions and trauma you've been subjected to.
Just know you're not alone in this.