Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Forsook (43154)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R'ing with an addict
phoenix_vs
♀ Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to add to the complication: You can't have a discussion with a drunk! They twist everything around, and then accuse you of twisting the issues!
Aghhhh!
And still I love him. But I'm not sure how much of his behavior I can put up with any further.
Oh, yes, since the day he got out of the hospital, I made him get his own beer. It was sad, seeing him just out of the hospital, on his crutches, getting beer. I won't even get it from the fridge for him anymore, but I do not nag him or comment on it, unless he starts hounding me for money, then I do suggest that it is expensive to drink and get street meds.
I pay my own bills, my own car expenses, our cell bill (thankfully) and we each buy groceries. And I do want to get a better job, but how long should I just feed him money with no return commitment from him? I believe in going the extra mile, but when do you know it's far enough?


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((phoenix)))

I wish I could tell you if you owe him or not, but it honestly depends on what agreement you two made about how to divide the bills/payments and whether M was part of that agreement.

Overall, my advice would be to get out. If he's an active alcoholic with no intention of getting sober and you have no other ties to him than money, I'd get out ASAP. I certainly wouldn't be looking to marry him. Being 12 years into a M with an alcoholic, I can tell you that it only gets worse until they get sober.

Sorry if that's not what you were looking for. I'd just hate to see you go down the same shitty path I did.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Ruby7
♀ Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here familiar/understand approval Addiction? Sometimes its called love addiction. If so please let me know if you know of any good resources. It would be extremely Helpful!

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
plzwakeme
♀ Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ruby7:

I have started to do some research on the topic of approval/ love addiction because I think my WH has problems with this. Ironically, after all my reading I'm starting to think that I do to. I haven't started IC yet -- too much to juggle with MC and FWH's IC starting up -- but this is definitely a topic I need to personally explore.

I also want FWH to ask about it for himself, because part of the reason he gave me for the two As he had were because he liked feeling wanted and needed by these women. He has always been a "flirt" -- to the extent of going to far even when I'm around. He even told me that he knowingly flirts with my one of my best friends because he knows she thinks FWH is better than her H and that makes him feel good.

FWH is constantly wanting to have his ego stroked -- but in all honestly since DDay #2 I've seen improvements a bit in this area. One of our big relation problems has always been that he only contributes emotionally and physically (like helping around the house) to a small degree, but then wants all kinds of thanks and praise for the little bit that he's done.

What kinds of questions did you have?

[This message edited by plzwakeme at 12:59 PM, January 27th (Thursday)]


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
MzMagoo
♀ Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I can't be in R with an addict who is still drinking. As much as I want to R, and he says he wants to R (on certain days only), it just isn't happening.

Is it "normal" for the addict to tell you how much he loves you and wants you and his kids, and his family back one day, then the next, act like he is the happiest soon-to-be-single person on the planet? Or is that just my particular WH? Does anyone else feel that the A is secondary to the drinking (or drugs, SA, etc.), or is that just me and my situation?

I am very lost, very hurt, and so very confused. I have lived with an alcoholic for 18 years. I have done my time cleaning up his messes (still am), and I have spent countless hours crying and trying to make sense of what I have become as a result of his actions and choices. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become so codependent, I am owning it.

Is there any hope at all for a true R with a person like this? How do I know when to give up? What does giving up completely look like? What does it feel like?

So confused...


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
phoenix_vs
♀ Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, boy, I don't know the answers. I'll post again when I have more time, but I feel ya. I can't believe how selfish they are sometimes. I am hanging in there for, I'm not sure how long.
Just wanted you to know you were heard.
(((mz)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
MzMagoo
♀ Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
phoenix_vs
♀ Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mz))
Been thinking all this time about what you're saying, and I don't have much. I'm in the same position, wondering what to do. We've been living together for five years, "dated" for eight, with a brief break-up in there. I didn't discover until well into the relationship that he is an alcoholic. The last few years have taken a toll on his health. He has sobered up a couple times, but never for more than a few months.
He seems to be hung up on an old live-in girlfriend from ten years ago.
I do think until they get sober, they can't think clearly. I've learned in Al-Anon to take responsibility for my own $$$t and let others own their $$$t, but alcoholics blame everything on everyone else. Other posts on this thread and on the alcoholics thread confirm this. Just like his last phone episode with the OW, he blamed her. "She wanted to talk." They also lash out at the ones they love when they feel guilty, which is all the time. They feel guilty, so they look for stuff we do wrong and yell at us, because, well, because they're addicts. Add some expensive street painkillers to the mix, and I am really, like you going, OMG what do I do? I see posts from you, 18 years, and another post, 12 years, and I don't want that.
Yeah, I think the affair is the side effect. They already think of themselves as low lifes. My WBF said that just the other day, "I'm just a low life". Well, I guess low lifes have EAs and PAs with skanky, ugly women.

I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become so codependent, I am owning it.

Me, too.

Al-Anon is helping me. I cannot encourage you enough to find a group that you are comfortable with and attend meetings and read the literature.

Is there any hope at all for a true R with a person like this?

I don't know. I'm wondering that myself. Sometimes I don't think so. I would like to hear from others in this situation. I ride the rollercoaster from "oh, hell no," to "I'm not bailing out on what I've invested in this house and this relationship."

Up and down.

Maybe giving up is accepting the fact that this person whom we love, will never be able to love us, because of the addiction. I don't know, either. I wrestle with it all the time. I'm leaving, I'm not leaving.

Keep in touch. Wishing you peace and serenity.
(((mz)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
MzMagoo
♀ Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, February 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((phoenix)))

Thanks for the reply.

WH is currently still drinking, but he is very clear when he tells me that he drinks a lot less now because he doesn't have the stress of living with me anymore.

He has "connected" with women from his past, and is telling me how much they help him; one specifically. Since he has been talking to her, I have been treated worse; I can only imagine the crap he says to her about me, the lies he tells. He calls himself a loser and an asshole frequently, yet he walks around like he is God's gift to the planet most days. This outward veneer addicts show to the world (and especially to OP) is sickening. I just keep thinking that there are women out there that think I am Satan, and think that he is wonderful because of his addict-addled brain.

I have no idea if R'ing with an addict, no matter how much I love him, is a good idea, especially if he does not address the underlying issues that cause him to drink in the first place. He is only beginning to touch those issues in IC.

Friday he was ready to save the house and move home because he loves me and the kids so much. Saturday he yelled at me and hung up on me because I asked him to drop by and help out with my dryer. Yesterday he wants to know why I am ignoring him. I tell him it is because his words and actions hurt me. I get a simple "sorry" text in reply, then nothing else. He will now ignore me until I have to contact him, then he will be an asshole. This is the way my life with an addict has been for 18 years. This up and down, he loves me, he loves me not stuff. It is so very hard. I have no answers either, only heartache and pain.

Strength and many, many hugs to you!


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
phoenix_vs
♀ Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I last posted, WBF has had emergency surgery on an infected foot that has never healed since a surgery last September. Yesterday he had a blood infection and they are fighting staph in the foot. Tomorrow they will culture the bone to determine if it is infected.
A confidential conversation with one of his doctors revealed that last month he got prescriptions for a large number of painkillers. Many more than one would take, even if taking more than prescribed. What was he doing? I know he was getting drugs off the street. There are more details I won't go into here, but this is, I don't know. I feel very alone and very betrayed. Add that to the fact that I can't sign consent for him at the hospital. My life is tied up with his, for the last five years I've given him everything he asked for and then some. His actions directly impact me, and his sister gets to sign consent forms. This just isn't right.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am searching for a better job. Anywhere.
Thanks for the hugs. I needed 'em.
(((mz)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
twistedupinside
♀ Member
Member # 26179
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about SA and porn.

My ws hasn't been looking at any in about two weeks now, almost. Yet when I asked him he admitted he hadn't been then got this forlorn, longing look on his face. I asked him did he actually miss it. He couldn't talk but turned red faced and nodded yes.

WTF?!?!!!

Oh, the question: Is this normal???

[This message edited by twistedupinside at 11:48 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]


me:47 him: 49
Dday #1: 09/30/09
Dday #2: 07/24/10 Trickled Truth
R begins 07/21/11
No it's not holding a grudge, it's called making a list and remembering everything so when it's my turn to drive the karma bus I know who to run over!

Posts: 513 | Registered: Nov 2009
poppyseeds2
♀ Member
Member # 32746
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted last night in General. I described how I found my WH in respiratory arrest, performed CPR, called 911, got him to ER where he was intubated and placed on a ventilator. There we found he had OD'd on methadone, other opiates and benzos - WTF? He has script for clonopin but nothing else.

I had to leave him there alone because I was so angry. I'm still so angry - he was 14 months sober from alcohol and denied using any drugs, prescription or otherwise. Boy, did he have me fooled. I guess we were in false R after all, just when things were seeming to go so well.

This morning, after 2 hours sleep, I am numb. I believe he will be discharged - I don't think he will be kept for psych eval or anything. Plgh! I really just want to puke and don't know what to do. Should I even go to pick him up, or should I just leave him to find his own way? Should I let him back in or should I lock him out? I know I just can't do this anymore - I've had too many years of this and I'm exhausted. I don't even know if I love him any more after that, yesterday I was so sure I did, WTF?


Me BS 51, WH 49 Married 27yrs
DDay Early Aug08, NC 5/15/09 (LTEA)
Don't know if I want to R see profile

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm six feet underground
- Rhyme & Reason DMB


Posts: 354 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hell
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my H is a recovering addict/alcohol. He went to rehab to get off cocaine and alcohol, this was 21yrs ago. He never relapsed to this day, but against advice from others, did not attend support groups. After 15yrs of going from one hobby to another, balls out on whichever, he has finally rested comfortably with vicodin. He has a back injury and his dr just keeps upping the anty with higher mgs. The A started about 4-5yrs ago and was DD was 10-09. His behavior is erratic, he's super nice and chatty, or a ragin fn maniac. He refused to go to my DD's IC to discuss her treatment for anxiety and depression (from living on the crzy train with H in the house). He straight up refused to go, which disappointed my DD. The IC seems to think he has an opiate addiction and after reading up on it. i agree. Thought he was prob still involved with OW cuz he's so disconnected, now I dont know which it is or both. How do you determine living with an addict? Like things weren't bad enough now this..great!


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post is new as I am new to this site. I lived, raised a family with and cherished a man I met at 16 years old who I thought I'd grow old with. We divorced after married (legally)23 years. I left after 22 years. My X was addicted to porn and massive sexual encounters with so many women, he didn't even know how many. I continued to stick it out for 5 extra years after finding out because we had high school sons. The youngest ended up embarking on a life of drugs, theft and the gammut of horrific teenaged destruction. So, after 5 years of all that crap, I left! I didnt end my marriage the way I should have, but sometimes we need to do what we need to do and grab on to the help that's offered to us. I read a post on here that made me think about whethere or not I would know how to have a "normal" "decent" relationship with a man seeing as I spent a total of 30 years with a boy/man who never outgrew boyish thoughts, actions and eventually adult betrayal, sexual promiscuity, and utter denial. I am in a new relationship and I worry that I won't know how to be treated properly or becoming someone elses doormat.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post is new as I am new to this site. I lived, raised a family with and cherished a man I met at 16 years old who I thought I'd grow old with. We divorced after married (legally)23 years. I left after 22 years. My X was addicted to porn and massive sexual encounters with so many women, he didn't even know how many. I continued to stick it out for 5 extra years after finding out because we had high school sons. The youngest ended up embarking on a life of drugs, theft and the gammut of horrific teenaged destruction. So, after 5 years of all that crap, I left! I didnt end my marriage the way I should have, but sometimes we need to do what we need to do and grab on to the help that's offered to us. I read a post on here that made me think about whethere or not I would know how to have a "normal" "decent" relationship with a man seeing as I spent a total of 30 years with a boy/man who never outgrew boyish thoughts, actions and eventually adult betrayal, sexual promiscuity, and utter denial. I am in a new relationship and I worry that I won't know how to be treated properly or becoming someone elses doormat.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for bumping. I am in limbo, waiting to determine if R is possible with my SA/WH. Because he refuses to discuss anything with me, I do not know where he is in his recovery process. I also do not know if *I* wish to R because of how badly he has hurt me and how violated I feel. Anyone else?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. I struggle daily with what to do. I feel like I'm a pendulum swinging back and fore. One minute I feel positive about R, the next I feel depressed and think I should kick him out. It's awful. It must be even more painful and difficult if your SAWH will not talk to you about his recovery. Do you have any of the details of his acting out?


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NMT, all I know about his acting out is what I've observed, detected or deduced. He won't confess to anything. And even when I've had direct proof of something he won't discuss it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you with a WS who is still "in the fog" denying everything. I don't think I could go on if my WS wasn't being open, honest and remorseful. Even with that it's still incredibly hard.

Do you have friends or family who know whats going on who can give you support? I see you have 3 young kids who you homeschool. It must be hard for you to get any time to yourself. Im sure you're a fabulous Mom but you need to take care of yourself too. Are you in IC? If not I think you would find it helpful in dealing with all the emotions and trauma you've been subjected to.

Just know you're not alone in this.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 192
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.