As with any trauma, some residual crap always hangs around. Heck, even after a PTA meeting that goes badly, there are residual negative feelings, etc, although to a much lesser extent. My point is, that every bad event has some sort of consequence that has to be dealt with before it worsens, or even just sticks around longer than it should.
Therefore, in my refusal to allow the OW to take up any more of my time, marital energy, or anything else she isn't entitled to, I am determined to overcome this PTSD as soon as possible.
"May you always kiss the one you please, and always please the one you kiss".
When I found out about FWW’s A it was 20 years ago, and I was 22. I was blindsided by her admission and was in total shock. I asked questions, things did not make sense to me, I was a wreck. I didn’t tell anyone. A few months, later I was deployed and she was pregnant. I remember telling myself it didn’t happen over and over.
I didn’t know too many details and it all happend while I was away at training. I knew the “big” details, but not too much of the timeline, feelings, extent of what happened, where, etc. My basic question was did she love this OM? She said emphatically "no". I was afraid of too many details as I learned things. Contact with OM was over since I found out a few months after we moved to the new duty station, and it happened at her former place of work.
So I “forgot” about it almost literally. I didn’t actually forget, but the feelings were so well hidden, it was if it never happened (for me)emotionally. Like some story I read about. I don’t remember much anger or distrust after coming back from the short deployment (like 120days). Everything went back to “normal.”
Then a few years back, we’re living back in the same town, not too far from where we lived before. I’m traveling for a new job, and my now adult DD moves into the apts my W lived in back then. I am suddenly a train wreck. I have nightmares, cry at weird times, can’t sleep, and can get very angry. I start getting flashbacks of images and emotions. I feel like somewhere between an idiot and a total basket case. Its almost random sometimes, but certain things definitely set me off.
I have no reason to believe my W has been anything other than faithful for the last 20 years, and yet it feels like this happened last month. I can’t talk about it because a long time ago we agreed not to, and I would feel like shit for bringing it up now. After a few years of the occasional outburst from keeping this bottled up, I wrote a letter about my feelings. She read it and we talked and it went about as well as I could expect, but I feel like I may have set my M back. I do feel better, but am still having problems. She said certain things that now make me more uncomfortable. Not events, but about her feelings. I’m probably hypersensitive about things now.
I drove past where she worked back then and my heart felt like it was going to come right out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe, and then started crying (yeah, I feel like such a moron about that too). I went back again to conquer this. It was hard, but I have to be able to get around without losing it. I’m still not there yet.
Looking back, all this has had effects on my life's decisions without me even really knowing it.
I plan to go to IC when I am ready, but I have so little faith in them. I want to understand my problem first as much as I can.
Am I doomed to have this shit control me forever now? Advice from anyone welcome.
I did counseling for quite a while and recovered after a very hard time that you have all described so eloquently. I have forgiven her and want nothing to do with her. I have not seen her in 18 months.
My problem is this: I met who I consider to be the love of my life last year (we actually went to high school together but hadn't seen each other in 25 years). I have had other relationships in the past few years, with no feelings of infidelity. We are now married, and shortly after the wedding I started have very unwanted flashbacks to the pain of my former fiance's actions. My now wife and I have both done our share of what I call a "slut phase" in the past, but I have absolutely NO reason to believe she is cheating on me and my mind knows she is not. I just get this stab in my gut when she makes a significant deviation from our "routine", since that is what would happen when my former fiance' would cheat. I think I am hypervigilant because I felt like such a fool for not noticing what was going on before.
Has anybody else had the memories and ache show up again years later? I am seeing a therapist again, and going to try EMDR in the next couple of weeks.
I wish you all the best!
[This message edited by lifethrowscurves at 11:10 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]
Have any of you experienced your ptsd symptoms go away since the adultery?? Or worsen??
The list of changes for me has been amazing!!!!
so bizzare that this has not destroyed me, just the opposite, I feel better than ever in my life.
I've dealt with ptsd sinse I was a child.(thanks mom n dad)
I would love to have dialogue with other ptds survivors.
I was just given FMLA for PTSD. I have been diagnosed for about 8 or 9 months now. It effects everything and it's really sad. My therapist says it shouldn't be a lifelong thing, but it can be. I sometimes wonder if I am stuck in time. She said she really hopes not. PTSD sucks, and now my doc wants me to be evaluated for Bi-polar, even though you can have bi-polar type symtoms with PTSD. This IS situational, not clinical. At least I keep trying to convince myself of this.
I recently completed a series of EMDR sessions.
I started about 8 months after dday as I felt my life had spun out of control. I was going to work, eating, sleeping etc but was plagued by hysterical fits of crying and rage. I felt I had lost control of my life and all my time and efforts were focussed on trying to control my emotional state.
I discovered EMDR when I saw mention of it on an SI thread.
I began searching the internet and after reading about it thought it might help me.
What appealed to me about it was that it seemed like a fairly quick fix. I know that sounds silly but I did not want to feel as though I was going to have to spend the next however many years of my life in IC trying to deal with this shit.
I had 8 sessions and now feel 1000% better. I still get sad, think too much about his As and worry about the future. OTOH I can function much better on a day to day basis. I don't have the hysterical fits of crying and rage and I am able to think more clearly.
I can actually now think about him screwing these other women even imagine them in bed together without even shedding a tear let alone becoming a sobbing mess.
So now I can process better and feel I will be able to go forward. I feel much more optimistic about my life with or without FWH.
Hope this helps you are someone else who reads this.
Did you find it helpful?
HUGS to all
My psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD as a result of the trauma from discovering my husband's deceit, and other issues I had leading up to it. Postpartum depression, eclampsia which led to Congestive Heart Failure and other issues (which from reading here is Codependancy (he brought that up to me, too.
I have mild depression, and in all liklihood never really managed it well (in retrospect) after I had my kids. Given that I was not in a supportive environment from my hubby, and family afterwards.
I'm so glad to have discovered this group... I feel "normal" reading your posts... we're all just trying to cope and adjust and it's been a challenge for us all.
I'm working on my self esteem, trying to be more assertive, and dealing with those negative deeply embedded core beliefs about who I am...
Long Term Survivor, I get those residual negative feelings, too... often!
I admire your determination NOT to make the diagnosis a long term, one. I am, too... for myself and for my kids... the cycle HAS to stop here!
Good luck with that... I hope this thread picks up more so that we can all support each other through this journey.
I had 4 intense EMDR sessions and am much better. I may go back again but for now this is better than I've felt in a long time and I am enjoying it. No more anxiety attacks, sleeping better and able to function and concentrate.
Married 24 years
DD 22 DS 20
Just about Reconciled
A few weeks ago I thought I saw OW getting out of a car at a gas station that I was passing. I had a huge panic attack. And that was when the shaking started.
I'm tired of feeling like it's my fault. I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy. I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm the problem.
I feel a little better knowing that it's not just me being unwilling to let it go.
It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown
Is this thread dead? I hope not, it really is something I would like to discuss.
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth.
My MC told me he thought I had PTSD and suggested EMDR. I love how fast and effective EMDR is! I've done it off and on over the years since DD and believe it works very well. It's made a huge difference in my life.
Never saw this thread. Must of been buried. I've been diagnosed with PTSD by my neuropsychologist (specializes in brain trauma). I've done exposure therapy, reframing, and EMDR over the past 11 months. Sadly, not much success so far.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago due to childhood abuse, but discovering the A last year was a huge re-trauma and that's what kicked my PTSD into high gear- I started having symptoms I've never had before like memory loss and inability to concentrate and OMG the hypervigilance! You have to scrape me off the cieling with a spatula if our upstairs neighbors drop a book on the floor.
One thing I've observed lately is people who were just recently traumatized being diagnosed with PTSD. This overlooks an important point- that EVERYONE has reactions to serious trauma. Post-traumatic stress is totally normal, and usually goes away over time. It's only PTSD when it doesn't go away. I think 6 months is the criteria in the DSM V.
Anyway, I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's experience. Post-traumatic stress is awful, period. I guess I just wanted to make the point that if you have all the symptoms two weeks after finding out- you don't necessarily have a life-long disorder.
I experience a kind of remission of PTSD symptoms when I'm generally doing well psychologically and taking good care of myself. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (CBT and DBT) have worked well for me in combination with medication.
A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“The destination of the journey could not be altered, only the manner in which one approached it - whether one chose to walk erect or to be