I usually had to make my STBXH dress up when we went out. If not, he would have ended up in sweats and a tore up or stained t-shirt.
He was constantly looking at himself in the mirror and admiring himself though.
I also don't know if he is really NPD or just the biggest asshole in the world but there has to be something wrong with him to have done all that he did this year, not only to me but the kids.
I think he has really lost his flipping mind.
Sometimes I wonder if he isn't going through some midlife crisis.
He's bought a new car, a laptop,etc since we have seperated. He also has a 21 yr old girlfriend that he is shacking up with and he is in his mid 30s.
He became abusive towards me.
I just know that I couldn't live like that anymore.
I think that that has been one of the hardest things for us that may or may not have been involved with full blown NPD Freaks.
I'm still not sure how far towards the deep end mine was but in the end it was still too much.
Reading here I've seen some who have definitely had some way out there seriously mad hatters.
But again, disordered is what disordered does. They ain't right. Whether it's 10%, 50%, or 110%, it's still too much.
And the more is not the merrier !!! LOL.
Here's to a better New Year with the Freaks left behind.
As time goes on, you newbies will feel better. The beginning is the worst. You still think it's all you. Over time that subsides and you just start to let it go. You become far less concerned with the whys and how comes and are more concerned with the what is and isn't.
It's hard and it hurts, but humor will eventually replace the pain. You move on. It just takes a lot of time and reestablishing your own existence.
Rock on, rock free.
[This message edited by bobelina at 1:57 AM, January 1st (Thursday)]
My New Year's Resolution is to devote more time to my well-being, physically and mentally. To a last close the door on the past and begin to value the person I am.
I intend to stop having that nagging feeling about the freak and let go of what he did to me. The past is the past and intend to look forward now. I we can all do the same - after all, most of them are someone else's problem now!!
I agree with what Bob said about the beginning being the worst time. You cannot quite believe that they are this bizarre person...things you ignored for years suddenly make sense. It is like having some sort of brain explosion. But it does become easier with time and understanding.
My pet freak always played a part and I was often embarrassed by his mistakes when he tried to look sophisticated. I feel embarrassed just remembering.
Have a good new year!!
THAT is funny.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Like I've said before, I'm so glad your kids have you. All of you mommys out there with kids to NPD dads are HEROs in my book (and dads with kids to NPD moms) I cannot imagine trying to co-parent with one of these maniacs. There should be some sort of medal to award each and every one of you.
Happy New Year to Everyone!
He had the kids for New Year's Day and today until 5. They were supposed to go to a museum all day and even though I knew that they were spending time with OW, I know they like her so much and I am doing the best I can with that, trying to look at it from the perspective of "hey, at least she's not a crack whore, right?" Who knows what's going on in that house, between him and her, but at least I know that OW is a caring person who loves my kids. Yes its hard to hear her name constantly, but I'm trying to let it roll off.
Anyway, back to my NPD. I had my friend over this morning, yes, this is the friend who was more than a friend who is now just a friend again. We were having tea and cranberry bread and talking. My stbx went by with the kids on their way to the museum and he texted me that my DD wants to know who's car is in the driveway. "What do I tell her". What do you think you tell her dumbass...you tell her "hmmm, I don't know, Mommy must have a friend over". That's pretty simple to tell her right? I didn't even want to reply but I felt like I had to. I told him that.."you tell her I have a friend over" and that's it. He replies back "I thought we were done lying to each other." I'm like "what?!?" Who's lying. And I though our daughter was asking the question, not him. UGH!!!!!!
A barrage of texts again and I told him, "see, this is the scary behavior. My relationship or non-relationship with 'friend' is none of your business. Stop texting me". He sends back one more "make her feel guilty text and says "its okay...I'm done". Ya think???? What gave that impression, the other day when I told you I was done!!!????!!!!
You should have ignored the first text he sent you about your daughter wanting to know about the car in the drive way. Let him figure it out on his own. When he does this sort of thing, he is baiting you. You're taking the bait and feeding right into it. Don't feed the NPD.
This is typical NPD behavior. It's okay for him to have an OW and to have your children around the OW, but it's not okay for you to have a friend. See how this works? The rules only apply to you. He can do whatever he pleases.
The best rule of thumb is to IGNORE unless it's about the children. This wasn't about your daughter. This was your STBXNPDH using your daughter as a manipulative ploy to dangle in your face to use as bait trying to get you into an argument. He most likely had the children and OW right there with him. He could tell them a completely different story as to what he texted you and that you flipped out. Then he can sit back and play victim.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Sadly, this all sounds very familiar to me -- like a bad flashback. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.
The manipulation and desire to control are big with the NPDs. Also, the stalking behaviors are common. Be extra vigilant, and document all of his antics. They will absolutely use the children as pawns in their little game, so you can expect that to continue.
Try to ignore his attempts to bait you as much as possible. Don't even respond to those kinds of questions. He's only trying to get a rise out of you (and to let you know that he is driving past your house).
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Heck when he has the kids you only need to respond if it is a lifethreatening emergency. Otherwise he is the parent and he can deal with it. Might not be pretty or comfortable for the kids but he can step up to the plate once in a while and give you a break.
My kids had a good visit with their father. I can only guess that the wifetress is keeping everything on a the straight and narrow. Of course he didn't bother to call them on New Years and he has no bothered to contact me for visits. Looks like we are back to the usual winter routine of weeks and months of NC with him. (great for me and hard on them)
Happy New Year everyone.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I am having quite a difficult time with my freak at the moment. I will be glad when the holidays and birthdays are over and it can all go back to normal! Well, as normal as it gets! One thing that is different these days is how little he bothers me and how quickly I get over these unpleasant interactions with him. I am pleased that he no longer effects me the way he used to.
I keep waiting for him to do something bad to me. It's like the calm before the storm.
I can only hope that this peace and quiet will last.
Maybe I will get lucky and he has magically fallen off earth for real and I will never have to deal with him again.
Could I get so lucky?
I'm going to go back to the first NPD thread and start reading. I am guessing the experiences on SI are about as good a manual on dealing with an NPD as you can get in a bookstore.
So a bit of an update. In August of this year I had two seizures in one day. The first one I was home alone with DS. My life really changed that day. I had the hospital call WS. He refused to come to the hospital, saying I had brought this all upon myself. He ended up coming there and started yelling at me in front of the doctor saying that I took too many Buspar (huh?) and that I caused it. The doctor told him to leave and then of course asked me all the questions if I was safe, etc.
I ended up taking a cab home from the hospital in my socks. I had another seizure that afternoon and had to go back by ambulance again.
So I couldn't drive, couldn't cook, couldn't really do anything except walk my son to school and back. I had/still have no job. My WH was telling me "fuck you" over and over when I went to walk my little boy to school the next day. I decided at that moment I wasn't going to take it anymore.
So now the divorce process in going, and he's asked for a child and family investigator to investigate both of us to the tune of about $10,000. The thing is, he puts himself at risk also.
I've been out for almost 5 months now - sometimes it's so hard and other times I know I'm dong the right thing. It's never going to be easy being a coparent with him though.
The investigation starts this week I believe and I'm so nervous about it.
November 2008 - Divorcing
Last I heard was right before Christmas...my lawyer got a letter saying that my S agreement of two years ago is now considered void (according to him). That was it.
I worried all over the holidays about whether I'd get sp and cs. I waited until the first of the month and then the money was in the bank.
WTF...why does he do this stuff?
I need that money...I'm on 2 disability pensions and that is it.
He and OW make soooooooo much money.
But I got the money in the end. What did he accomplish? He made me worry and he made himself look powerful...in his own eyes.
I hate this stuff.
I am sure the thought going thru your head is what should I have said?
Dealing with a NPD is tricky. You need to practice not being drawn into situations like that one. I am going to try to give you some alternative things you could have said. All of these come from experience, and I'm sure the others have their own that have worked in the past.
Option 1: tell DD I will discuss with her when she gets home.
Option 2: (if child has a cell of their own) Call child directly and talk only with them.
Option 3: Thanks for letting me know her concerns.
Option 4: (if child not going to be home soon) Have DD call me, and I will discuss it with her.
See where the focus is? Try to remember to always thank him for letting you know but do not share with him.
Hope that helps a little and many positive thoughts for you.
Dear lady I often wonder how you are. I am so sorry to hear about your health. If you need anything at all, please do not hesitate to pm me. I know your in for a battle, but it is long over due. Stay strong and don't look back.
It bothers me that people are lead to hesitate for official diagnoses. NPD and other anti-social disorders are often not diagnosed at all as the person in question is already a talented actor. Or sometimes they are misdiagnosed as bi-polar etc.
It isn't the actual diagnoses that is going to get you through this. It is recognizing and responding to the pattern of behaviors. It doesn't matter whether or not he is - what matters is how you feel. There was an old post I made a long time ago about "if it sounds like and acts like a duck - treat it like a duck" Even if it doesn't like being a duck.
Many positive thoughts for all!
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
So today, he parked outside the gate and I could tell from his body language that he was just seething anger. He came to the door and took the bag. Said "thanks" but nothing else. I said nothing. Watched him go. I was proud of myself for not saying anything or getting into it. But after he left, I felt AWFUL.
It's like knowing that he is angry at me just makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know if I wanted to apologize or smooth it all over, or what, but for at least 3 hours I felt really awful. I've never felt right when we fought and just hated every minute of it whenever I knew he was unhappy with me. My family was up from Pennsylvania visiting this weekend (88 year old grandma and my cousin) and this is the first time I've really spoken to them about it all. I told them how awful I felt after he left and they said "that's how he wants you to feel, don't give him the satisfaction."
And I can see that, I can recognize that this is probably by design, but its just hard to shake the normal reaction of wanting to fix it. I'm sure that's what he's counting on, right? She'll reach out to smooth this over.
Excellent job in digging deep!!
Yes, the uncomfortable feeling that comes with someone being angry at us, whether our fault or not, is a common trait among NPD victims.
It is a co-dependency issue that should be addressed in IC. The likely causes are FOO (family of origin) related.
Are you in IC? Have you done any reading on NPD victim behavior? Have you looked at FOO issues?
How are we ever going to get away from these people with our sanity intact?
Sanity is over-rated; I'll take just the getting away part
Soon as the weather gets better, we'll make some definite plans. I'd like to see our other friend also. She is still having a hard time of it.