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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to everyone!!

Dazed,
He is a complete jerk. I'm sorry that you and your children must deal with him. A person who will use his own children as a way to hurt his wife is downright evil in my book.

Seems to me, he's looking for some sort of reaction from you. The phone calls after the mediation, threatening to cancel the life insurance, the message about staying at the fancy hotel, etc. I don't know what he's up to, but DO NOT allow yourself to be baited. Let his calls go to the machine. Forward his messages to your attorney and ask him/her what should be done about the insurance. As far as the hotel and him telling the kids, just document it and file it away.

Try to remember when he's looking for a reaction, don't give him one. His email was likely to get a reaction too, but try to look at it as he was just letting you know, so assume so and type back ONLY, "Thanks for letting me know."

Try to get past the fact that he didn't get the kids anything for Christmas and help the kids focus on the things they did get and (as hard as it is) help them find something for their father. Always take the high road and set the good example. Your kids will see what's really going on.

Hang in there. It's going to get better.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed, what an asshole.

Mines does shit to hurt us all. I don't even think it's just me he's trying to hurt anymore.

I will be shocked if he calls the kids at all. He hasn't called them on any holiday this year.

All I can do is try to keep the kids busy and hopefully keeping their minds off things.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

XPDW has told DD's that she's moving them to another state faraway and that they would be with her good friend.

Goodfriend is divorced, has substance abuse problems and fights with her babies daddies over placement etc.

The kids said... No. LOL.

As it has been said, do your best. The kids and others will know you by your virtue. What you do, how you conduct yourself is screamingly louder than words.

Happy Holidays.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas, everyone!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you do, how you conduct yourself is screamingly louder than words.

Beautifully said, my brother))))

What is "the REAL meaning of Christmas"?

My wish for tribe is that it is FOREVER in your hearts.
yes.
(AND...a bag o chips, of course!)
hugs
love
rest now
peace
yes.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
waitingtodie
♀ Member
Member # 21755
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it always hopeless? Are there degrees? My WH fits the criteria for NPD but he actually does care about our kids and is a fantastic father.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2008
waitingtodie
♀ Member
Member # 21755
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, he recognizes that he has always gotten his self-esteem from the admiration of others, especially women. He decided to get into IC because he doesn't want to live like that anymore. But since dday (11/20) I have seen no real remorse. It's all about him.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2008
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas Tribe!!!

It has been a blessed day in my house. My kids loved everything they got and in fact said this was the best Christmas ever. I listened to them and got them what they wanted and I did better than their dad ever did. They said all he got them was crap.

They got me some videos I wanted and an MP3 player. It was so sweet of them! They remembered about the MP3 player from months ago. They are the best!!!

Stupid STBX cancelled my Sam's Club membership. I went yesterday to get my prescriptions refilled and the kids were going to buy me a present there...but it worked out!!! I got a new membership...got a $10 gift card...was approved for a Sam's credit card...got a free cake and spent enough I got a $25 gift card. Ended up costing me $5.

Merry Christmas to all out there!!! (((Tribe)))


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTD,
Wow, 28 years. That's a very long time to stay in such a very difficult situation.

Is it always hopeless? The short answer is yes. Are their degress? Of course. Some are worse than others, but more bad on the worse scale is still not good.

Fantastic father? This is just my opinion, but the best way to be a GREAT or fantastic father is to love and respect a child's mother. That should be first and foremost. And from reading your profile, your husband hated you during all of your pregnancies. He only "loves" what his children can do for him. It's like the attention he gets from his students. The attention is the only thing that drives him. It's not the relationship itself.

I'm reading from your profile from your d-day where he tells you he's in bed with the OW and they got as far as her touching his penis when she realized she felt wrong about having sex with him and didn't want to break up her marriage. Sorry, but I think this is total BS, especially because of the reasons he told you about it. I mean really...they're in bed, naked with erections and all, then they have the honorable moment and stop. Please.

What else makes you think he's NPD?

Dazed,
Glad you had a good Xmas. Hope all is well with everyone!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NPDs control you by making you think you're crazy?

I have just had the weirdest two days ever in my life. A few days back I posted how my NPD stbx found out I was seeing someone after being split up for 4 months and how he started a barrage of phone calls and texts and just had to see me to tell me that he knew now that he loved me and always had.

Anyway, we were spending a lot of time together already for the holiday (for the kids) and he really turned up the heat on the "i love you and want another chance" stuff. I told him that I wasn't prepared to make any changes in my life right now - not gonna let him back in, want to work on me, not giving up my friend, etc. , but I agreed to go to counseling with him to help him figure out why he sees himself as a steaming pile of shit and why he let his disbelief in my love ruin what we had.

Somehow over the two days this evolved into us going to counseling to work on "us" and every chance he got he brought up my friend and brought it around to me still seeing him, getting very "hurt" when I tell him yes, I am still going to see him, and he went hard into the guilt of it being in "our house" "our bed".

The whole time he was here the hairs were up on the back of my neck. Even though I looked at him with love at times, there was a scary unsettled feeling the entire time.

Just had to add that he said "I love you" about 200 times. And he has this really sickening sweet way about him, goofy smile at me every time I turned around, just really weird. Really weird.

[This message edited by TracyFace at 8:11 PM, December 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These people are master manipulators and they can make you crazy on so many levels because their actions don't match their words. I have found tha we often view the word from out own world view and we expect others to see the world that way as well. We think people are basically good, love others and want to no harm others to get ahead in life. Unfortunately these people don't think like that and as much as their actions can, at times, fit with a positive world view; they have a level of evil and really don't have the best interest of those they 'Love' at heart. They will use you as long as you have something to offer, make them feel good about themselves and the relationship is easy. When none of these things are true they are gone. They use you and toss you away like yesterday's stinking trash; often with a kick.

As for being good parents, I don't believe it is possible to have a disorder like that and be good for a child. Their teach them a screwed up value system that involved conditional love and selfishness. Watch out when the child is not perfect and may reflect badly on the parent, or when the tenn backtalks etc. They do the old "if you don't act that way I want I won't ..spent time with you, buy you XYZ... pay for ABC" Maniuplation, blackmail etc. All wonderful ways to mess up the self-esteem and self-worth of a fragile child.

TracyFace I would not want to tell you how to run your life but IMHO it is too soon to be a relationship when you are getting out of relationship with someone like this. It is far to easy to place a bandage on the hurt and damage these people cause and you end up with more hurt in the long run. It sounds like he is attempting to triangular your relationship either to destroy it or to harm you (or both). It sounds like dangerous waters to say the least. I know that I decided to allow myself the time and space to heal before I got into another relationship so that I didn't make the same kind of mistakes I made before and so as not to hurt myself, my children and another person.



The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the sorry bastard didn't even call his kids on Christmas. Neither did any of his family.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peridot,
That is really, really horrible. I'm sure glad your kids have you.

TracyFace,
His behavior is so NPD-typical. Manipulation is the name of the game. Turning the tables around and blaming you for everything. Watch out or pretty soon you're going to be sitting in the marriage counselor's office being confronted about YOUR affair that you had with your friend. And your NPD's affair? What affair? You must have imagined that....

Crazy making, gas lightning, re-writing history, turning on the charm, fake cheesy smiles that send a chill up your spine, seemingly being more sincere than ever. Yup, all of this is typical behavior. In my experience, this is a trap and you are walking right into it.

As Lied2 said, (it's not my business either) but you need to let your friend go before he gets hurt, or more hurt. You are still under the spell of your NPD and untill you are free of him you are in no shape to be in a relationship with anyone. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just that it's not fair to the third party.

I think you need to be careful with your NPD. He's trying to reel you back in for some reason. Maybe he's trying to gain a better position for the divorce? Do you live in a fault state? Has he sought the advice of an attorney who told him to move back into the house? I don't know.....something doesn't sit right with me about him.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NPDs control you by making you think you're crazy?

The very essence of gaslighting.
q u i n t e s s e n t i a l l y
narcissistic.

Tracy, you better listen to the wise ones lied & sad.
else i'm kickin u offda boat!

dazed! thanks for sending your blessings here! we needz em! YaY You & kids!

Hey! It's STILL Christmas! I can say stuff like this!

& ((((peridot & kids))))))))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Concerned  Posted: 4:22 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess his mask must be slipping because when he isn't with me I go over the conversations in my mind and see the craziness and think to myself that I know its not me. When he's here, I'm unsettled and when he's not I'm fine. It took a long time to get the strength to feel that way after he left.

My friend really is just a friend. He's been very supportive and it has turned into a friends-with-benefits thing and I was feeling really happy with it. But you are all right. Its not fair to him because even though I feel like its light and good for me, I've been wondering if its safe for him. I'm going to have to tell him that I can't see him this way anymore.

It does require time and attention to seeing him that I should be using only to heal from this - and on my kids. I have felt that since the beginning, but wanted so desperately something for myself.

And I'm going to have a boundary setting conversation with my NPD today and see the lawyer asap. I've been thinking about it all night. If there's any chance that he's not NPD and or not trying to manipulate me for some reason of his own, doing this would not cause him to freak out and lose it. He'll understand that we can't move forward with this kind of fear and doubt between us.

If he's not NPD, he'll respect my boundaries and not try to change my mind, right?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is our insticts that tell us something is wrong but it is a long time until we listen to that inner voice. If, when away from the freak, things fall into place or become clearer then there is a good chance you are being manipulated. It was only when away from the lunatic I could see what he was doing to me. In all honesty, how frightened of him I really was.

I agree, that after any interaction with one of these people you need time alone to recover. You need to be 100% emotionally healthy for the knight in shinning armour right??
Lied and Sad really do know what they are talking about, and their empathy and wisdom have helped me many times. They say it so much better than I can but I totally agree with what they are saying. Take your time Tracy with the new friend. If it is meant to be he will wait.

Good for you Dixie - that small step forward! Makes you feel good doesn't it?

The freak is quiet but he is picking up the kids in an hour. Who would like to be he is going to make some sarcastic comment???

Enjoy the rest of Christmas folks!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
waitingtodie
♀ Member
Member # 21755
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo, thanks for responding.

I looked at the criteria on this thread. He seems to fit 5 of them. As you could probably see from my profile, it has always been all about him.

But the kids absolutely adore him. He was easily annoyed for part of their childhood, but he seemed to have an epiphany about it when they were still pretty young and his behavior changed. They are 21 & 26 now and call him several times a week and love spending time with him. Is he fooling them, too?

Clarification; he never told me they were in bed together. I assumed that. He told me they were sitting on her bed kissing and she touched his penis through his pants. (I am still getting tested for stds.)

He just told me he has been thinking about suicide and has a very specific plan. He called his therapist Christmas Eve because he was afraid he would do it. Is this manipulation? He says he is feeling suicidal because the kids and I are hurting and he is so angry with himself. I tried to bring up the regret v. remorse thing this morning and that's when he told me. Advice?


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suicide threats are a common manipulation tactic.
I'm thinking this isn't the first time that card's been played on you.

I noticed too, that it's anger that is his fallback, his template, his pattern.
Therefore, it is vital to remove yourself from that - to get out of target-range.

Anger is the giveaway, the common key behavior of the personality-disordered.

Horrible as it is, it's better he turns his toxic shame and anger in on himself than you & the kids.
In my case, I set it in my heart to allow it, should she carry out with her threat.
iow, NOT react to it.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm meeting him at 1 to tell him that it is completely over and I am going to go ahead with the divorce. I am terrified that he's going to blow up. Gonna set some ground rules for us dealing with each other. Respecting my boundaries = an amicable relationship for the kids. If not, no contact at all.

I've already told my friend that we're done for now. I can't be involved with him while I'm still married. For his safety mainly because I really feel well. But I am willing to believe you all that I am more damaged than I am willing to admit and time isn't going to hurt me.

I've read all your stories now and I'm feeling like I've gotten out of this much easier than most of you. I hope it will continue this easy. But now I'm prepared for the worst.

Thank you all for your wisdom and guidance.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
waitingtodie
♀ Member
Member # 21755
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, jj.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2008
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