The good thing about it though is that I now know that my feelings for him are gone. I didn't want to be doing that, I didn't want him at all. I have finally gotten him out of my system. Now, the question is how to get him out of my life without a big fight.
He did go upstairs several times. I assumed it was to use the bathroom - he requires privacy for that and wouldn't want to use the 1/2 bath downstairs. It never occurred to me that he might be looking for stuff or planting something. OMG.
When you drop the kids off for visitation, do it in a public place.
Better yet, have someone else drop the kids off if you can.
Go back to NC.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. Please be prepared for things to escalate.
You need to keep him out of your house. Set boundaries. My kids are dropped off curbside. He is not allowed in my house.
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 9:51 PM, December 21st (Sunday)]
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Try to remember that his anger up to this point has been used as a means to intimidate you. You need to spell out your boundaries and let him know that you intend on enforcing them. The most important thing is the enforcing part. If you tell him that he is no longer welcome in your home and you come home to find him car in your driveway and you have already changed the locks, call the police. Do not wait to give him a chance to talk his way out of it and threaten you or intimidate you into doing something you don't want to do.
Divorcing an NPD is never easy or without conflict. But, you can save yourself lots of drama by setting the boundaries early and never backpeddling.
I would change the locks right away and never let him back in the house. Never underestimate your NPD.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
My oldest called him last night because he wants the money his father owes him...and STBX proceeded to tell him that the reason I filed for divorce first was so that I could have control. That he was planning on filing in January but I wanted to be able to control things. He then proceeded to tell him that he'd wanted a divorce years ago and that I had filed a few years ago. Now...that's not entirely true but not something a 14 yr old needs to hear. Those are details that should be kept private...not shared with your kids. I am so mad...
I guess that's part of the lack of boundaries..he doesn't get how to be a parent. He's trying to justify his behavior by making me look bad too...stupid, stupid man.
This is so difficult to manage. But like everything else with the NPD, trying to defend yourself against his words will only hurt you further. Usually the best thing to say is something like, "I'm sorry your father feels that way. I am also sorry that your father made the choice to involve you in this very adult manner. That was very unfair of him."
Then stop. Don't say anything bad about the NPD. Take the high road every chance you get. Always remember, no matter how horrible he is, he is still their father. They need to realize what he is on their own and come to their own conclusion without any influence from you. As a side note, if there is abuse of any kind, call Child protective services or the police right away.
I've always believed that if you give an NPD enough rope, they will hang themselves. They don't need much help from anyone else.
I remember the many trials I went through with my XNPD. (mine was arrested and charged with violating PO's and other things) I would get up on the stand and answer simply yes or no. Since he was the defendent he had the choice to testify or not. He would always insist on testifying. It was always some rambling justification of jibber-jabber bull-shit that everyone (except the OW)in the courtroom saw right through, including the judge.
He was found guilty every time.
Here again, they think they are smarter than everyone.
In your case, your NPD thinks he's going to use his words to get your son to turn against you to support him, but in reality your son will likely see through the facade and turn against his father. Help your son see the truth, don't TELL what you believe the truth to be.
What an asshat he is. SadToo's advice is spot-on. Let your son draw his own conclusions. My STBXH does these same types of things with my kids. It's horrible.
Good luck with mediation. Don't agree to anything that you aren't happy with. And don't sign off on anything unless you are certain that it is what you want.
Be strong. Stay cool and calm. He will get hot-headed and say dumbass things. Guaranteed.
Let us know how it goes.
The other piece of advice I would give for anyone dealing with a NPD is to make sure everything is written in stone. Include things like them having to give full contact infomation when they move (ie inform you X days before they move in writing ). Leave nothing to chance.
Do not use wording like "as agreed to by the parties" or in any way leave them the final say in things like visitation, medical care etc. Make sure you have final say in things and nail everything down. I know a few people that have struggled because their NPD refuses to agree to medical care or counceling and thus there is no agreement and the child is harmed because of it. The NPD will disagree to things just out of spite so don't leave it up to them.
If at all possible get sole custody and access at your discression. (That is what I have and it means I get the final say on everything...if he doesn't like it boohoo for him).
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I answered his last call and said "ok, come over and talk". When he came in he had tears in his eyes and spoke very calmly and said over and over that he knows now what he wants and its me, he loves me and always has but didn't believe that I loved him and that's why he pulled away. He says that if I can love him again, he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy. I told him that the affair and all the lies were really the problem. He says "we've both done a lot of that" and when I started to question this statement, like, um, are you implying that I've done some lying, he completely changed direction and talked about how much he'd hurt me, yada, yada, yada.
Luckily I had a counseling appt schedule for later today and got a chance to talk it all through. I was really clear on how not healthy he is for me and how unhappy I was and not wanting that life back, and then he was here dropping off the kids tonight and he started in again and I could feel myself being pulled back in.
I'm so confused. And I feel that this is what he wants.
You also need to keep him out of your house for your safety. There is no telling what these freaks will do.
I know that you want everything to be happily ever after. We all have been there. You have to realize that is never going to happen.
If he is really NPD then he is not capable of love. They think that they are in love but they really just don't get it.
It took me a long time to realize that.
I've done a lot of thinking since our seperation and looking back he has never once, in the ten years we were together, taken me in his arms until I was telling him goodbye for the last time. He never was there for me when I needed him. Believe me, in ten years there were plenty of times that I needed a shoulder to cry on.
When I had my c-section the nurse had to tell him to hold my hand.
That's what you have to look forward to.
I know this is hard. I still to this day find myself day dreaming about what might have been or what could be but then I rememeber what he has put his family through and that is not someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Don't fall for his tricks.
He says "we've both done a lot of that"
What a selfish jackass.
Honey, PLEASE. Stop talking to him. Block his number, change your phone number, do what ever you have to do, but create some distance. This is not good.
He believes he is justified for anything he does,he believes he is the victim and he beleives his lies. His version of reality is very different from yours.
Ask yourself if life with someone like this is what you want and something you can live with every day for years...then listen to your heart AND your head.
We all loved them...we understand your confusion and your pain.
To my dear friends, have a lovely christmas. I am going to my folks now for a few days so I am off-line for SI. It is two years since he left and I had the worst christmas ever. Life is easier now and more peaceful and a lot of that is down to you lot on this thread. Thank you for your friendship and I wish you a restful, calm christmas.
STBX had this smug look on his face when he walked in and a big crate full of papers, etc. What the heck was that about? dumb man...
So, he calls several times yesterday afterwards telling me he is letting his life insurance policy go because it's of no use to him and if I want to keep it, I need to pay it. There was an incident 3 years ago with a young man watching my kids. there was some stupid inappropriate behavior but STBX is now saying the kids were molested and he is going to bring this kid in to court to testify and try to prove me unfit because of it. Both of my kids heard that message and both said that he didn't molest them. So now my kids are going to have to go to court and testify that it never happened. It's a nightmare! And then he called back supposedly to talk to the kids..and he said, hey guys, I need your help. Mommy was married before and I need you to find out the guys name because I need it for legal reasons. Luckily, they didn't hear that message. That's not something they need to know. Doesn't concern them in the least nor does it affect this divorce.
I can't wait for my lawyers office to open. I want this stopped today. I don't intend to go through the holiday like this.
When he came in he had tears in his eyes...and said over and over that he knows now what he wants and its me
Your noting 'over and over' is a clue. Like it's an act, a repeated line in a play in his head, that he wants you to believe becomes truer with repetition.
And connecting his tears with his wants, notice?
His tears are manufactured from fear of not getting what he wants.
Did he have an onion in the car?
His tears are not about your pain, or the suffering he has put you through. (If he is NPD, your feelings and needs are abstract, an idea, a thought - but definitely secondary to his).
...he loves me and always has
...but didn't believe that I loved him and that's why he pulled away.
and there it is! How cruel the hidden fist, that claims you didn't do enough to make him believe!
And there is a glimpse into the black hole where the normal soul resides.
Lemme guess...you pretty much busted your ass, covering for him, making things work, fixing things...close?
Yeah, thought so.
Now, keep stepping up to the plate, ya hear, because
if I can love him again
he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy.
iow, Here...lay your neck out, right...here.
Even that's bassackwards. Typical. I'd say; "I'd do xyz for the rest of my life/trying to make you happy."
No ifs/thens, ands or buts.
I don't know if all abusers are NPD, but it sure looks like all Ns are abusers.
Reel in, spit out. Lather...etc.
I want to (((HUG YOU ALL))), and make it go away!
He hasn't bought them anything for Christmas...hasn't given me any money for Christmas...didn't even ask them to spend time with him for Christmas. I had hoped he would have at least left presents on the porch for them...made an effort. Nope...he just wants to hurt me more and more and doesn't care how they feel about anything.
We are going to have a good Christmas no matter what.
It's a sad, empty, evil existence to be so heartless and cruel.
You can at least rest in knowing you are not any of that. You've got the integrity, character, and love that a hundred 400-buck-a-night hotel rooms can't buy.
((((a million hugs))))
Dazed, what a complete ass he is. The things these monsters do to their own children sickens me. Give those kiddos tons of extra hugs. You are a great mom, and at the end of the day, that is what your children will know in their hearts. ((((DiD))))
Merry Christmas to all of my wonderful friends here on the NPD Thread!