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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas they think we are stupid and that the can get away with the lies. If you don't call them on the lies then they think they are pulling the wool over your eyes. At times it can almost be funny if you can pick the right moment and help them string the lie. Just never let on you know. (sorry I'm bad)

The only reason mine didn't fight everything to the bitter end was we got him in a bind and the options ended as trial or agree. He knew he was beat and decided to settle and make my life miserable other ways. Much of my divorce was settled because the custody and visitation was settled before I ever filed because of the abuse. It make life much easier. Even with what littled needed settling it was still over $10,000 for pretty much nothing since support is a table amount and he had long moved out and was on to hooking up with the wifey.

About the only thing I can say is engage as little as possible. If nothing gets your attention maybe then he will stop. The will take even negative attention as supply so you can respond in any way if at all possible.


(((((HUGS))))))

woundedby2 meet-ups are so awesome. I always feel like I am with family when I see SI people IRL. Someday I am going to have to try and travel to one of the events just for fun. I bet it would be a blast.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think these freaks cannot help lying - my lunatic lies over the most ridiculous things!
BDA - a lot of things fall into place when you read about npd. I was astonished to say the least.
I don't respond to the freak's lies - other than to shout in my head "HE'S SO TEXTBOOK NPD"
It is pointless trying to be reasonable. I won the game against him BDA, by not playing by his rules anymore. It cost 8,000 to get rid. Yes, he gets the house in 2024 but by then I will have bought up the kids to hopefully, be decent people and nothing like him! I will then set out on my travels and he can have the house. I may catch up with you all in real life by then!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betterdaysahead,
I feel your pain. Your divorce and NPD sound very much like mine. In the end, I was relieved he was gone. I thought, "Great! She can have him and all of his problems. I can finally live my life in peace." (my XNPDH moved right in with his OW too) You'd think he'd want this all over as quickly and quietly as possible. One would think he would have been embarassed about the hidden OC who was THREE years old from another OW and the discovery of the current OW.

But no. He dragged the divorce on FOREVER. He fought me for every crumb and every dime. He refused to settle for over two years until the judge threatened to settle it for us and make him pay my leagal fees.

He told people that I was the one who wouldn't settle. He said that I could let go, blah, blah, blah. He fought me for things that didn't even belong to him. He fought for my horses and even some horses that belonged to my dad. I still had to prove ownership.

It was INSANE. Four protection orders later, heaps of lies and over $40K of money spent on lawyers, court cost, and paying him off $10K it is finally over.

These NPD's are nuts. They will spend $1000.00 to win $5.00 They lie, lie and lie some more. They flip everything around and blame you for what THEY are doing. They turn on the charm when they need to in order to try and win over who-ever they are trying to impress. Ugh. They are just sickning people.

The only advice I have for you is to keep moving forward. Don't talk to him and don't give in. I know this is costing you a fortune, but I PROMISE you in the end it is SO WORTH IT. I have said a thousand times if I had to spend twice or even three times what I did to be rid of that SOB, I would stay in debt for the rest of my life.

Hang in there. You're going to get there.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas they think we are stupid and that the can get away with the lies. If you don't call them on the lies then they think they are pulling the wool over your eyes. At times it can almost be funny if you can pick the right moment and help them string the lie. Just never let on you know. (sorry I'm bad)

I was going to make a big production of it and send his phone back! *rotflmao* At the last minute I said I wasn't even going to entertain such nonsense and let it go... it woulda been funny, though...

BDA, I can't give you any better advice than not to engage. You shouldn't be having enough of a convo with this man for him to know that you're traveling, etc. Hi, bye, yes, no, and you'll have to talk to my lawyer should comprise 98% of the words that you speak to him. TRUST ME -- your life will be much better when you learn how not to stay on the phone.

[This message edited by veritas at 2:50 PM, October 20th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't spoken to him in a year and a half. I have only seen a glimpse of him once in 8 months.

I receive the occ'l email regarding my dental benefits or my son's health.

We don't communicate at all.

That's just it. I don't understand it. The only "engaging" we do is through lawyers. It's as though he's getting a thrill hurting me through his lawyer.

I'm at thirty thousand and climbing.

He only knew about my life by creating his own facebook account in the network I was in. As soon as I discovered it...my adult daughter notified me...I quickly got out of that.

Funny...then he deleted his account. He had all the info he wanted.


ETA he's got his parents on board with it too now...

[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 5:01 PM, October 20th (Monday)]


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They will use anyone and everyone they can. They are vendictive and will use anything can to get back at you. There is nothing you can do about that.

I had gotten to the point were I wanted out at all cost. I considered that anything I got in the divorce was pure bonus.

My ex said that I would "pay for this" when I told him I was divorcing him. He simply ran out of money from what I can tell. (Thank God)

Is it possible to have the lawyer for the issue for the judge to decide the remaining issues? They hate being told what to do so having the judge decide is really threatening to them (usually).

It just all sucks.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a consult with another lawyer next week. I think after two and a half years I need another perspective on my case...just to see if things are going the right way.

Not that it will matter...I don't have any money to pay another retainer...so I have to stay with the one I have.

I feel trapped right now.

I hope she can give me some objective advice.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BDA,
What are the issues that he's hung-up on? Maybe you could try having your attorney call his attorney and ask what it's going to take to get this thing settled. Ask what he wants to see how far out in insanity land he really is.

I'm glad you're not talking to him. At least you're not putting up with the verbal abuse anymore.

I know that feeling of being trapped. It seems like it will never end.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's hung up on everything....

It's a long story but suffice it to say that an error was made early on and he's running with it at my expense.

He doesn't want to pay me spousal support and he has gone about it from every angle.

I worked full time hours the whole marriage as a nurse, put him through university and now am on disability pension.

He makes a LOT of money but thinks he shouldn't have to support me.

He thinks that I should be paying HIM...I don't get the logic but I have to pay thousands of dollars to get spousal support.

I want to protect my property and my interest in my family cottage...in the family for a century.

He is obviously getting money somewhere...

I'm hoping I can find a sympathetic lawyer. His new lawyer has a bad reputation for going to the bitter end...no matter what. My lawyer will not be talking to her.

I'm screwed.

I am trying to stay positive...I'm hoping for a miracle at this point.

I think perhaps because I didn't pursue him, beg, plead and cry...I look well, went on with my life...maybe he's pissed off.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine actually has told me on several occassions that he is only doing all this crap because I had the nerve to file for the divorce.

He told me that he would make sure that I was left with nothing and he has made good on that promise.

He didn't pay CS or the bills and now my car is getting repoed. He is only fighting me on financial stuff. I guess that I should be lucky that he hasn't wanted to fight me for the kids. I'm waiting for that ball to drop. I wanted to keep my home but he hasn't made that payment either.

I wanted to keep it so that the kids would have somewhat of a stable life and not having absolutely everything ripped from them. That isn't going to happen. He has tried to make sure that I am hurt and while he has accomplished that he has also hurt the kids in the end. It's gotten to the point where I will let him sale the damn house just to get this over with. This house holds too many bad memories anyway so maybe it will do us some good to just start over from scratch.

I'm like the rest of you, just ready for this nightmare to be over. I want a normal, peaceful life without all the chaos and wondering what the hell he is going to do next.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When folks speak of compartmentalizing...I do that.

I have a good life if I can look at the divorce part as a separate issue.

Selling the house was the best thing I've done. I'm able to pay all my bills but I've only a bit of money left at the end of the month. Had I stayed in the house I wouldn't even have that.

But my son and I are happy and I have a good relationship with my SO.

It's this part that is hellish.

I'm making the best of a bad situation.

When I think of how it could be...when he left I was a mess...I was really ill...he said that he was sick and tired of me being sick and tired...I have fibro and chronic fatigue. Yet he threatened me with being committed because of my depression and said I was an unfit mother.

I got it together and managed to take care of the house by myself. My doctors helped me get the best meds possible and I dropped 65 pounds...my meds had made me gain a lot of weight. I look and feel a lot better.

I now volunteer in the community and it gets me out of the house when I feel up to it...at the women's shelter. Being a nurse it is a good fit for me.

Thank goodness for good friends and family. They all know how crazy he is. He has lost all of his friends. Even his work colleagues can no longer stand him.

It has been a hard journey. But this is very hard. I'll see how the lawyer's visit goes next week.

This week my son has dental surgery so I'll focus on that. I told his dad about it in May when it was booked (by email). I have no intention of reminding him about it.

My son had hepatitis this summer due to a virus (cmv). He was very ill. He didn't want to see his dad and that didn't go over very well.

IMO the time to mend fences isn't when your child is critically ill.

And don't scream at me on the phone blaming me for the child's illness.

Life is great....


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Tribe)))))

Hugs to everyone.

Things pretty quiet for me. NPD ass is still playing real nice. But was quizzing the kids as to my whereabouts this weekend. (I was at the SI meet-up in San Diego). DD9 told him that I was with them at grandma and grandpa's house.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How funny wounded!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids do stuff like that too W2. They have a definite passive agreeive streak when it comes to their father.

OMG he emailed me the phone number. I will have to get son to call it tomorrow to verify it. It only took 6 1/2 months. Guess he feels that the whole "she is keeping the kids from me" has worn off and he wants to play happy family now that he is remarried. I wonder how long it will be before they piss him off enough to not see them again.

BDA I really think your best bet is to get this whole thing before a judge to decide. Some of this crap he is arguing about it in the law and he doesn't get to do whatever he wants. Inheritances are excluded from the divorce settlement in most cases so he is just wasting time. You have a long marriage and have a disability that occured during the marriage so he has a duty to pay spousal. I don't see that you have many other choices. You need to stop the negotiating with him because you can't negotiate with someone like that. He won't ever agree, he wants you to give up.

Good for you to be able to compartmentalize. I am still working on that part. It is not something I am good at.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've started the court process. Been to one case conference...it was adjourned and set for another date...they cancelled at the last minute.

Another set for December.

I'm trying to get a judge to hear it but it takes forever and is costing me a fortune.

Even though all of his demands are crazy I still have to "fight" them.

He fired his first lawyer...represented himself for a while...now has this "Hannibal Lector" lady.

I'm just frustrated. Found this place and it's a great place to vent.

As I said...my lawyer looked at me the other day with a look that said to me "no wonder he left you".


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I said...my lawyer looked at me the other day with a look that said to me "no wonder he left you".

Then it's been time for a new lawyer. If this has been going on for so long without being seen in court, I'd not only find a new lawyer, but I would make a complaint to the Bar (once the divorce was settled). Absolutely ridiculous. I'd tell them how much money he has made off of you and how little you've gotten for it.

lied2: Whoa! Maybe they've got 2 phone lines installed. I would DEFINITELY call to make sure that really, really was the number.

Mine is a dope-smoker who would invite drug dealers and prostitutes over. What he wanted to do was split up the kids, he'd take the boys and I'd take Lola (she was a girl, plus he has never watched her alone). When I told him he was off his rocker, he started telling people I was an alcoholic and therefore unfit.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Veritas. You're not only being victimized by your NPD, but the court system and your own attorney.

I know the laws are different in Canada and I'm not familiar with your bar system. But is there a place you can go for a referral? Try to find an attorney who has experience working with abuser/bully types.

It sounds like you need Gloria Allred.

Try to remember that there is no reasoning to what he is doing. With NPD's it's all about them. Their sense of entitlement is so astounding it will make your head spin. If you have one that makes alot of money, or has a family that has bailed him out of every problem in his life and doesn't have a problem throwing THEIR money toward his problems, this is what you end up with.

They are all monsters who act like an overgrown baby wanting more than their share. If they don't get it, they throw a huge temper tantrum until they get what they want.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:29 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is the youngest in his family. Dad's a retired cop.

WS also smoked a lot of pot...lots of it.

I should have done something about it when I found a large stash on Dday...biggest regret. But I needed his money to support my son and I.

God that's my biggest regret.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((BDA)))))

Your lawyer is a jerk for saying such a thing to you. Unprofessional and uncalled for.

I really don't understand why you where not already on the path of having the courts handle it. For us that started imediately. That way there are things that need to be solved and if they are not solved by the case conference then the judges decides. They usually do 2-3 conferences and then it goes to trial and about 95% of the time it settles before them. Often down to the wire sometimes just outside the court but it gets solved.

It sounds like your lawyer was trying to settle things without that route but it never works with people like this. They need some things rammed down their throats.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wrong post

[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 9:47 PM, October 23rd (Thursday)]


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
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