Ditto on AuntCis !
Some of the low points and triggers are kind of one in the same. Each year around Christmas we get a new picture of OC and a letter from OW kind of giving a a breakdown of what OC has been up to over the past year. It's nice that she is a good kid and doing well, but I don't really need to hear about it(know what i mean). Also if money is tight or I have to tell COM we can't afford to do somethinhg they want, I resent having to pay CS for a child my H never wanted.
Some of the highs are seeing my H with COM and knowing they wouldn't having the great relationship they have had we not R'd. Knowing that he chose me and COM over everything else in his life is also a high. And I feel like he and I having a good marriage and honestly being in love and having a good life with our COM inspite of all that happened, it's the ultimate revenge .
One last thing is that although it can trigger me sometimes to even think of speaking to OW, my H is TOTALLY on board with all communication going through me. He is NEVER to speak to OW for anything and he has never fought me on the issue. That was a big condition for R. And since that was made a condition OW never really felt the need to call us,funny don't ya think .
[This message edited by auntcis at 3:40 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]
I would like us to enter into a new agreement. Since the last one now has been broken. Before we do that. I would like the following to be part of that.
This is what I feel now & will help us be a better team & relationship.
1. I will now give some trust back to you, But it is your choice to earn it & keep what I give to you..
2. I would like some how for her to stop saying ( I love you ) not a positive statement for me to hear. She needs to be told that there will be no future for you to as a couple. ( I realize that you have no control of what she chooses to do, but I feel that she is still in this mind set, because you choose to let her, and that you have encouraged this behavior by miss leading her.) She needs to be on the outside looking in.
3. There must never be any contact with her & just the kids without me, I will need to be included in, including any all visits.
4. I will now & from now on give you the benefit of the doubt.
5. Any & all contact & what is said good or bad must be disclosed to me & I give my word & promise to not take it personally or get upset or threaten to leave or tell you to.
6. The trust I will now start to give to you, Will be my final. I will not give anymore (1) more chances. I will be done & through if you break your word or promise to me again.
7. I will not accept anything but complete trust & honest communication to me. I promise to not get upset & want to leave by what you tell me. I already have been hurt deeply. What you tell me from now on, could not hurt anymore than what I have already been through. So please don't hold back to protect me. I only feel that you are protecting yourself then.
8. You will soon (tell her) ask her & explain why she must change the names. Please remember to take not just your Mom & sons feelings into consideration but also your brothers... This was not the right situation for this to be done in. This sounds very vendictive & hurtful to me & your family name. If she really wanted happily ever after why would she try to get pregnant by a married man. That means she wants your money... She simply toyed with your insecurities to get what she wanted..
9. Any and all contact must be disclosed to me. NO EXCEPTIONS PLEASE. I will not tolerate an emotional bond between you too. I will except conversation in regards to the babies only. Not on how your day is going or about us, or her.
10. I give my word & promise to you that I will now leave the past in the past & today is the start of our NEW BEGINNING.
11. I promise to Love those children as much as I love you. I have a lot of love to give & I will stand by you. Because I LOVE YOU & EVERY PART OF YOU. Which is those babies.
12. If you give me YOUR word & promise to the above requests. I will forgive you for all the past hurts.
IF you don't choose to do any of these that is ok. Because I know now that I and only me is the one that can really truly make me happy & I am stronger. I will really be ok...
I know now that I longer want her evil spirit in my life, and I have the choice to not let her or anyone else's decisions hurt me. I can not make choices for other people, only they can make the right choice for themselves. And I am going to be happy, because I choose that. Past hurts & disappointments will no longer be able to control my feelings or affect my future. They have empowered me to be stronger & accept them for my growth. There are 3 things I thought was my belief ( Growth-Stability-Decay) I now know there is only 2 (Growth & Decay) and I choose to Grow. I will not let the self destructive process continue in me. Resentment- Resistance- Revenge. I no longer want to feel like I have to check up on you, or spy, & not trust you to some level. Please help me with this, with your openness.
Everyday man crucifies himself
Between two thieves
Fear of Tomorrow
Regrets of Yesterday
the best part of it all... HIS sister gave me the blessing to "sue him for every penny he has"... her words. I know it's going to be a rocky road from this point on, but I know in the long run it will be for the good for me and the children.
this forum has been a life saver for me. I wanted to thank everyone here. I applaud all of you who are working to make their marriage work, but also wanted to give credit to your FWS who were willing to give it their all. It takes 2 to make it work... something we didn't have. good luck everyone.
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07
I am sorry that things are not the way you wanted them, but you seem strong and positive in the choice you are making.
Can you pass some of that over here?
How can I even try to start feeling anything for the OC's (twins)? how can you get pass whoe they are and where they came from, how can I? I know its not their fault but that is not a reason to even like them.
DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"
I can't really say as I would be much help with your problem. I myself have not found a way to bring myself to "like" OC. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish her harm or a bad life, I just don't really want her to be a part of mine.
usedtobeloved--it's not easy--they are a reminder of the whole cheating mess. But it has helped me somewhat to get to know him as a little person--also helps to have FWS in my camp so much--not that things are perfect by any means--some things are forever changed--but as far as seeing OC as a kid, it is possible--takes a lot of tears and visits and reassurance and tranparency on FWS part.
I forget your story--do you have much contact? And how is your H handling the whole contact/visit thing?
I know it's a bit easier for me since we such infrequent contact (they live in Europe, we're on the West Coast)--but the principal is the same. WS and BS united front, as much NC as possible with OW, and a LOT of self-talk about the innocence of OC in all this--
I finally met the OC about two weeks ago. I was dreading the entire experience but it wasn't that bad. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't easy but I didn't have a break down. - Success!!!!
I just try to remember what my IC said that the OC and I are in the same boat (one that we shouldn't have to be in) and that connection we will share. I am also trying to only see that he belongs to my H and not to the Tart. He really is innocent and needs someone to love him.
They really do not speak much now (minor rants from her calling my H a POS and that sort of thing). The OW's mother is taking care of the OC while she recovers from post partum depression. - It is hard to recover from that when you won't take your meds or see a Doctor.
Good luck. My thoughts are with you.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
Also, I think OW tricked the poor guy she is marrying. Cause her myspace page originally said they were getting married in December, now they are getting married just a few short months after meeting. Sounds to me like she finally got a guy who knocked her up to marry her, it only took her 3 tries
[This message edited by auntcis at 6:16 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]
My mother in law wants contact with the OC when she is born in Aug. Which means she'll also have contact with OW. Additionally, my MIL wants to be at the birth, as does my H. My H and I have opted for NC with either OW/OC. I'm pissed off that my mother law wants to have OC as a part of her life. My MIL is very family oriented. My H and I have been discussing boundaries around this, but my H doesn't think it's fair of us to ask that his family (mainly his mother) doesn't have contact with OC. Do you have advice on boundaries having gone down this road already?
As far as setting boundries all you and your H can do is ask them not share information about him or your personal lives with OC/OW. But as you can tell from my story most of the time people are gonna do whatever the hell they like anyway! Good luck
i'm confused...if you guys have decided on NC then why would H want to be at the birth? and if MIL is so family oriented, then she should be the 1st to understand that what her son did was a shameful thing and that his behaviour was not and is not condusive to a healthy family.
thats why this inappropriate continues to cycle itself generation after generation...b/c this society tells OW that what they did and that bringing an OC into this world is ok and that this behaviour is acceptable...so then the world continues to function this way and the hurt continues. if it is so simple and easy to have babies popping up all over the place w/ any women willing to spread her legs...than whats the point of marriage? whats the point of family?
As far as the inlaws wanting to see there grandchildren, I can see that logic. I can also see where it could hurt the bw very badly especially in the case of the girl whose sil had nothing to do w/the com but as soon as she left felt compeled to be Aunt of the year.
I've had conversations with gf's about this subject as well. I would never condone a affair (even with what I've gone through) and if one of my daughters did have one with all that I've taught them and they've seen what happened I'd kick there butt up on way and down the other.......but to not be apart of my grand child's life would not be option.
Of course I agree there COULD be no interference from the ow with my children's life...but to not be apart of all of my grandkids life would be a huge sacrifice to make for something I had nothing to do with. Does that make sense? I don't think it's condoning the affair. I think it's ackoweldging a child that my blood runs through.
IMHO you don't have to condone the ow/mm by accepting the child.
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.