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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC/Wimsey/Tryin24 - there is a former WS, now turned single OW (pregnant w/OC) who could really use your input on the wayward thread. You guys are "veterans" at the OC thing, and have had a good amount of time to digest all of this and heal (as best you can)- and I think she would appreciate your help ... if you are willing to give it.

Her original post:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231836

Her post specifically asking for help from wives:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231933

ETA: specific links for threads

[This message edited by over&out at 4:19 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help,
The OW is due in 7 weeks. She has been emailing me about things, and not knowing its me.(set up a dummy my space account and she invited me as a friend) Well I will try to make this as short as possible. But everytime I have posted in this thread, I get no reply, so I'm starting to feel this might be useless for me...

She has disclosed the names she has picked out for the babies ( Yes twins ) she is going to give them middle names one of my FWH and the other of his deciest brother. This bothers me very much. And she has told me in her emails that they are not married yet but next year sometime, they are planning on it. And that my FWH is helping with a big surprise for the baby shower coming up. And they are planning on a trip and looking for a new home, for after the babies are born. She also told me that my FWH went to her youngest sons game last friday. FWH came home early that night from work to try and surprise me. He did have some time to maybe check out the baseball game first, but he swears she is living some kind of fantasy life.

FWH has told me that I will bear with it cus I truely love my brown eyed girl. When I told him I don't like me when I get the way I do either. But I'm now trying meditation therapy, and next weekend going to a healing seminar. Hoping something will help me get through all this emotional collercoaster.

I some days just don't know if I love him that deep anymore, or I feel it slipping away from me. Is this a normal process of feelings. With her due date coming up soon. I have worked so hard to try to perserve our M now. Have been in R for 4 months going on 5. He did agree to get a pertinity test done once the babies are born. That is my stipulation so far. But not sure what kind of boundaries I should put in place. He tells me their not talking, but she knows alot about our life still, and he has co-workers that are good friends with her, thats how they met. And they supposibly told him the babies names. When I just asked him, he told me but not before I found out from her 1st.

Any help anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Just not sure if I should stay or go. FWH is trying hard I think. calling, staying home, no nights away without me. Doing things together. Buying me sexy lengerie, and more affection, and words of affermation.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer it is very normal to be going thru this because the birth of the OC makes it more real if that makes sense.

Please advise me again, what kind of involvement does your H want of any in the OC lives. The biggest thing if you are trying to make this work is that you do it as a united front. You both have to want the same thing here.

If it is NC and he gives a monthly check or if he has visitation, it has to be something you both want. Because if you are on different pages, you have no chance of R. The OW needs to be on the outside looking in. Best course of action is to come up with a plan now. DNA testing is vital as you can tell from my story that it stops years of what if's.

I suggest that you seek legal advice and work together to do the best you can to make this work for you on both of your terms. I made the OW go thru me for visitation, I picked them up and I dropped them off. And I let my H know what the consequences where if he went against what we had agreed upon. It was hard and we went thru months him trying to push me to the limit. But we are stronger than we have ever been the whole 20 yrs. we have been married. We still have our up and downs.

Good luck to you and I will be thinking of you doing this difficult time. (Check out the 1st page of the OC thread #1, there is a list of things to protect yourself and family in this situation.

AuntCis: You know I certainly understand why you would wish the new H of OW adopts OC. I have had that happen in my family and it actually went well. So I hope things go the way you want.

Over & Out: I did see that post and hopefully have encouraged her in someway.

MonkeyBiz: Until your H understands that you have to be a united front in handling this, you are going to have a difficult time. I went thru months of my H making excuses to talk to OW and reasons why I should not be mean to her. I had to set down the boundaries, he had to know that he did not want to lose his family and he had to know that while I welcomed the OC in our lives, there were going to be rules. I suggest that you also look at the 1st page of the 1st OC thread for the information on how to protect you and yours. and keeping things from you only makes it worse because you begin to question anything your H says. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:34 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys,
I wanted to share with you that today I feel hopeful. I was worried that May would be aweful b/c it is the one year anniversary month of the A, but it has actually been good. We took a car trip this weekend and were actually able to talk about the situation. Not yell, not get pissy, but actually talk. We have come up with a soultion concerning the OC. We will pursue joint custody but will do so in a few months. We will give ourselves more time to gt our ducks in a row, emotionally, spiritually and financially.
I am not sure how I will feel when the custody battle (and it will be a battle) actually starts. But I just wanted to share with you that I am ok. We haven't talked about the A since Sunday and I haven't even felt the need to. Our road to true recovery is long. But for the first time I truly have faith that we will get there.
THank you all for encouraging me. For listening to me vent. For showing me that survival is possible. I am convinced that I would not be at this place in my healing if it were not for all of you.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer1, it's entirely possible that the OW is making up all the things she's telling you. Has the OW mentioned that her babies' father is married? Or is she playing like they're a monogamous couple? So many people lie to make themselves more than they are on those sites. I guess it comes down to your gut feelings. Do you feel that your FWH is sincere?


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has anyone actually filed for CS for COM? I know some people suggest doing so to prevent OC from getting paid more CS. How does that work? Can you file for CS for COM without getting a D?

edit- I remember now, it depends on the state. TX, You can get a legal separation and file for CS, but not in TX where I live. You are either married or divorced, no such thing as legal separation.

[This message edited by monkeybiz at 2:36 AM, May 12th (Monday)]


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least in New York you can't file for CS for COM unless you D.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To other BSes with OCs...How did you handle it, emotionally I mean?

My WH has a baby due at the end of August. He has cut off contact with the OW--they broke up the day she got pregnant. However, she's still "around"--we see her every couple of weeks at a meeting of a trade organization that we belong to. She brags to others there about her "condition", is open about who the father is, has been described to me by others as seeming "delighted" at the situation.

He says that he wants NC with her or the baby, but wants to do what's best for the child whether it's what's best for him or not. If I say NC, he will go with it, but I don't think a baby growing up w/out a daddy (and with a crazy drama queen babymamma) can possibly be what's best. So here are my choices, as I see them:

1. let him go NC, which he will regret for the rest of his life

2. Press for partial custody, in which case i get to watch him fall in love with his daughter, put her in 1st place, almost certainly have contact w. the OW, give her partial control over my life

3. DO the above, but leave so I don't have to watch it.

We have no children tho were trying when he knocked up this crazy bitch. It's unlikely at this point that we ever will. He's joined a club that I can't be a member of. There are no good choices here.

How can I live with any of these decisions?


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((MollyJo))

My husband also is in a group that I don't belong to. Give yourself sometime to decide what to do. You don't have to come up with a solution today.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly Jo,

I'm facing the same decision as you. I wish I had an answer for you. I'm struggling as well. I'm in therapy and taking it day by day, but do feel as though I need/want to make a decision so I can move on with my life. Everyone tells me to slow down and just take time in making a decision. It's amazing how one selfish act has completely changed all of our lives.

My story:

My H had a very brief affair with his co-worker last Nov. She is now pregnant and due in early August, which happens to be our 14th wedding anniversary. My H and I have 2 young daughters 7 and 5. In early Jan I found out about the affair and pregnancy. My H moved out immediately. I was a week away from filing for divorce when he came back to me begging to take him back, that he loved me,and he would do anything to save our marriage, including quitting his job. My H and I have been been together for 18 yrs. He's my first love.

My H has said he will go NC with child, but does want to support child finacially, which I'm in agreement with. My H in a couple of years would like child in our life. I know it's not the child's fault, but I do not think I can emotionally handle the OW and this child in my life. I've never like the OW. She admitted to me when I confronted her afterI found out about the affair that she has been in love with my H for the past couple years. My H and I were having some problems in our marriage at the time of the affair. I often wonder if the OW knowing this info got pregnant on purpose.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MollyJo,

The answer is different for all of us. My H had A with anexGF 11 1/2 years ago. The OC turned 11 on April 25. We are NC, but he pays monthly CS. We attempted contact at first but FOW made that impossible and I couldn't live the crazy way we were living and told my H our family or OW/OC it's up to you. He chose to go NC and has been since OC was about a year old. We figure OC will probably contact my H when she gets older. We live 2500 miles away from them but they know where we are. If OC shows up some day we will deal with that then. I have asked H if he regrets not having OC in his life. He says no cause it would have meant losing me and our COM.

Again,every situation is different, and you need to do what is right for you,but this has been the best choice for us.Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dream--of course she did. My OW did the same thing when she found out we were doing IVF. Just 2 of the millions of women who've gotten it into their heads that the way to keep a man is have his baby. Yeah, it takes 2 to tango, and it wouldn't have happened if he'd bothered to put on a condom...and i just don't get college-educated professional women who think to themselves, "I know! I'll get knocked up by another woman's husband! That'll make my life better!"


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW in our situation got pregnant on purpose also. She figured that because I was pregnant with our first COM when H and I got married that,that was the only reason. and if he married me cause I was pregnant,then he would D me and marry her if she was pregnant . It couldn't possibly be that he married me cause he loves me


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly, you do have time to make this decision, and it partly depends on how much you and your H are on the same page.

As to the question of how to deal with it emotionally, I wish I knew. Most days I flew (and still fly) by the seat of my pants. Children make their own agendas, and the best laid plans H and I try to come up with are either sabotaged by some crisis with the child or with OW issues.

We have contact, but it's intermittently in person as they live a continent away. Phone contact every two weeks from home, but because of the time difference, there are sometimes calls when H is at work and they're home for the evening--and I hate that. As the child grows, he asks for dad, and so he "calls"--being only 2, of course OW calls and so gets to talk to H, and that part does feel like she has some partial control in our lives.

It's a day by day thing, only possible if my H can support me and take my meltdowns, and the tears and discussions that go on and on, usually without a perfect resolution. It's hard when H wants to be as good a dad as he can be long-distance and when OW hates and blames me and so tries to sabotage my being around as much as possible.

We do visit the child together, usually for 3 day stretches, during the day only still. And that works well--I can accept him as a congenial little kid 99% of the time, and don't blame him for what his fucked up parents did. But it's still incredibly hard.

In the early days, I can only advise to work on your marriage and above all, take care of yourself. I'm old and chose not to leave and throw away 25 good years, but the pain of the infidelity is always there. The hardest part with a OC is the fact that working on the marriage gets sidetracked so easily cuz of issues with the OC--kids can't wait till you trust again or have totally decided what you want.

Hang in there everyone. I'm almost 3 years out and most of the time it's pretty good. Just never thought I'd spend my "golden years" with a step-child and an unfaithful H. No choice but to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going since both H and I made the choice to stay together and try to rebuild.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly jo: before I post what I am abouit to post I want to tell you I'm a former ow/oc.

I have a very good friend that has I was having my affair (or right when mine started) she found out her husband was cheating on her with not one, but two woman. This woman and I had gone through a lot together. We met through our Infertilty doctor.

I can understand your feelings and go further since I've been in your shoes. It took xh and I 4 1/2 years of IVF and major harmone drugs, 8 miscarrages before I got my twins girls that are the pride and joy. Even after I had the succesful IVF pregnancy my infertitly problems did not go away. I still have PCO endo, fibriod tumors and my mother took a drug while pregnant w/me that caused all my miscarrages. I was told by my RE, my OB, and my high risk that I would never have children on my own or keep a pregnancy on my own ever.

I was lucky though I got my twins. My girlfriend is very lucky as well as she has two healthy adoptive girls. She could not hold a pregnancy at all. She told me when she kicked her husband out because he would not stop seeing the woman that the worse thing that could happen was that one of the ow's would get pregnant. (this is before my pregnancy w/oc). I was like J....he would never be that stupid, he'd never do that to you no matter what he has done so far......that is just to much......well not a month later he asked her lunch and he told her that both of the ow's had been pregnant not once but twice by him and he was not expecting 2 babies from two different ow's. It crushed her more than the affair. I felt so bad for her because I understand the whole can't get pregnant which is such a natural thing for woman to do and it was not working.

I just wanted to say to you that I am so sorry about this. I do feel your pain.

When I had gotten pregnant w/oc, I just did not believe it but I was in total shock and really think it was all a dream until I finally started to feel her move. I was scared to death to tell my gf with all she went through, but she was there for me every step of the way. Even at the hospital she was there. I asked her why she was there for me after what had happened to her and she said because I know you.

I just wanted you to know I know how your feeling.

[This message edited by marysway at 8:11 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who here gave WS ultimatum of OC or us? I feel like my H doesn't know what he wants, but goes to his visitation for his 10 mos old OC anyways.


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monkeybiz,

After trying to have contact with OC at first and having OW keep trying to fill my head with bulls**t lies about her and my H still being together I told my H it's OC or me and COM. I told him I couldn't live the crazy life we were living and gave him the ultimatum. He chose to be with me and our children. I told him to be sure cause I didn't want him to resent me years down the road for him not having a relationship with OC and that if he wanted a relationship with OC I wouldn't stop him from seeing COM but I couldn't be with him. He said he wanted to be with me and that the only reason he had tried to have a relationship with OC was pressure to not be the "bad guy". OC turned 11 years old a few weeks ago and we have not had contact since she was about a year old. We moved 2500 miles away and he never looked back. If OC contacts him when she is older we will deal with that then.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still pondering divorcing my WH. I'm having a lot of difficulty with the fact he cheated on me and got the OW pregnant. I am taking time to process this experience, as I do not want to make a decision that I will regret down the road. Regardless of contact or no contact with OW/OC. For those of you who are farther in the process than me,what was the reason or turning point in not leaving the marriage after you husband cheated and the OW became pregnant.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dream,

If I am being totally honest, a big part of why I stayed at first was I am stubborn. My daughter was 17 months old and I was pregnant with my first son when DNA test came back positive,up until then my H denied he ever cheated and said that OW was crazy. My first instinct was "it's over", but then I started thinking "why should I give up the life I want so easily for her(OW)". My H says that even if I had left, he wouldn't have ended up with OW, but at the time I firgured that he would have. My H was remorsful and wanted to do whatever it took to make our marriage work(although I didn't get the entire truth about A until 11 years after the fact)and I didn't want OW to win,and I would have felt that she had if we split up.

Looking back it seems a silly reason to stay, but I am very glad that I did. There have been times that it has been extremely difficult and I didn't think we would be able to make it work. I am not sure if there was any one specific "turning point" for me so much as a long process of slow forgivness. Not sure if this helps. Good luck to you

[This message edited by auntcis at 1:52 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis,

Thank you for your comments. How have your children reacted to OC?


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
Topic Posts: 329
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