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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
tryin24give
♀ New Member
Member # 15821
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We told my family and his family in the same week. It was hard, but i needed him to stop going to see the OC at the OW house and the only way that was going to happen is if he picked up OC and came home, so we had to tell them.
We now have full custody of the OC and it's very difficult going out in public with all three kids bc the OC and my son are only 4 months apart but they are basically the same size.. we get all the time " are they twins?" at first i was just saying, these 2 are ours and she's his and let them figure it out but now, i just say yeah and let it go.
It's difficult, and some days i wish she would go away, but then she smiles at me or calls me mama and i'm glad that we are the ones taking care of her. She really is a sweet little girl considering the hell that she lived in for the 1st year of her life.
My children love her, my oldest knows that OC has a different mommy, but i call myself mommy as to not confuse the little one even more.
Good luck to all of you, this is one sucky situation to be in, its bad enough that our h's had an affair/ons whatever, but knowing that there is an OC and some of us are actually raising those children, it's amazing, we are a STRONG group of women.

Question: In most cases it seems as though the OW is a nutjob/crackhead/loser/slut.. does it make you feel bad about yourself knowing that your H slept with this kind of person?? sometimes I wonder if that is the type of person he would rather be with? I know it sounds dumb but I can't help but wonder sometimes, my H and I are so different..
I know this kinda didn't make much sense.. i'm rambling i know.


Me: 29
Him: 28
Children: D-3, S-18mnths, D-22mnths
D-Day- March 2007

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PA
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin, you and the others with custody of OC are truly amazing--you're right, a very strong bunch!

I don't know if I could do it--but I guess none of us thought we'd be able to cope with infidelity, much less an OC. We just don't know.

The OW is H's case wasn't a dopehead or anything--just a selfish and neurotic colleague--a work-related infidelity. Don't know if that's better or worse--just different. I think a ONS might be a tad easier in the sense that there isn't the draw that might be there after an EA as well as the PA--but I see that wondering what the attraction was to the sort of person you describe would do even more damage to BS' self-esteem that is trashed when we find out about the infidelity.

It's just all painful.

I wonder about going out with OC when he's old enough to travel so far to our neck of the woods. Guess I'll deal with that when it happens--he's only 2 so it will be awhile. Just more of the painful stuff we have to face, right?


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it does seem like it might be easier to deal with an ONS but in my case, she was the fiancee of one of my H's groomsmen, so he had been friends with them for a while and I had been acquainted with them, we all used to double date. In fact, the last time we double dated, we talked about my niece's condition. The OW was well aware of the situation, but the two of them managed to conceive an OC anyway. It almost feels like a double betrayal, except I wasn't really close with her. I don't know what it feels like to deal with a LTA, but you're right, it's just all painful. He has opted for NC with the child so he hasn't had any contact with her since she let us know she would file for CS.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying, I all to well the pain that you deal with everday and I applaude you for taking on the task of raising the OC. I have 3 OC that I am raising and 2 are not my H's but we are trying to keep them anyway.

I like you would say these our my H's children and people would give me a look and understand what I meant. But like you, I got tired of living that everyday. They have been with us for 7 months and have been visiting for 1 yr. Most of the doctor's office and everrwhere I go they refer to me as mommy. The OC don't call me that, but they don't get confused when someone else refers to me as their "mommy".

The OW is a crackhead that has a total of 6 children, none of which she has custody of. The bitch even lived in my house after she had the 1st child and I had no idea. I was very hurt that my H put everything we have on the line to have an A with this loser and for 10 yrs! Alot of it had to do with his substance abuse too, but he was sober at some point during that 10 yrs.

I don't say anything to him about it anymore, but how could he, he had everything I could give him, and he betrayed me with someone who is lower than the dirt on my shoe and had kids with her (or so he thought).

I don't compare myself to OW anymore because there is no comparision and that is not me having a big head, I just know I am the better woman. My H knows it and now even her children know it, so I try not to dwell on it.

But it is a hard pill to swallow.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes wonder if it's just the excitement of the forbidden that make our partners go for women like many of these Ows. That (obviously) they're in the fog and not paying attention to the type of woman they're going after. If that makes sense. My H once told me that the OW "wasn't me" and was "younger" (hence the ego boost of attention from a younger woman). It wasn't until the fog lifted and her real personality came out that he realized what a huge mistake he'd made.

Lauren, our OW didn't find out she was pregnant until she was nine weeks along. Even though a pregnancy lasts 10 lunar months, you don't know until you miss your next period, which is when you are usually four weeks or so, give or take. And since your OW has been known to fake this before, it sounds more like this "miscarriage" is her getting her period and playing for sympathy.

[This message edited by redvixen at 11:31 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In most cases it seems as though the OW is a nutjob/crackhead/loser/slut.. does it make you feel bad about yourself knowing that your H slept with this kind of person?? sometimes I wonder if that is the type of person he would rather be with?

No, for 2 reasons. First, i think both we and our WSes overblow the "crazy" aspect of the OWs to make ourselves feel better.

Second, b/c I think we can all recognize the part of the OW that the WH was attracted to. In my OWs case, her drama queen/new-agey/crunchy/manipulative personality--the exact thing that he now describes as "nutty"--also made him feel desired, admired, and, of course, horny.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
tryin24give
♀ New Member
Member # 15821
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC: I have followed your story and you truly are an insperation to me. I even talked about your story with my H.

I know that personally I have not blown out of proportion the crazy aspect of OW. Multiple suicide attempts, bi-polar, druggie. Just nuts, to this day, her or her family just dont understand that we called DFS on them b/c she admitted to my H that one night(11pm) she put the baby in the car(front seat of a pickup-rear facing) and passed out while driving on the highway, crossed the median and drove up and embankment and does't understand how bad that is?? She thinks we did it for revenge and not b/c of the saftey of the OC. She has been hospitalized more times then I can count, in fact that is how we got custody of her. She was in the hospital, did not contact DFS and they considered that abandoment. The judge has told her repeatdly what she needs to do and she has done.. NOTHING. He basically told her at the final hearing that she will never have custody of her again.

I also REALLY dont understand the attraction. I understand that my H had a ONS and not a full blown affair, but still, to sleep with someone, there should at least be some kind of attraction there.
Dont see it, dont think i ever will.

Oh well, I have been dealing with this for over a year now and some days are harder then others. I'm just hoping that as time goes on, i dont resent the OC and that I can truly over her like I love my DS and DD.

Sorry this is so long..


Me: 29
Him: 28
Children: D-3, S-18mnths, D-22mnths
D-Day- March 2007

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PA
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he has chosen NC. LOng story short, she wants to pretend that her boyfirend is the father, my husband doesn't want to hurt me further so he is letting her keep up the lie. I am afraid that this will turn to resentment toward me. He is already defensive when I say the words "your bastard child". I know the phrase isn't helpful. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't understand why it still bothers me because he doesn't have contact with the child. He says that our lives haven't really been affected except now he is a more committed husband. He says he should not have told me. I told him that I measure time in before te A and after the A. I look back on events in our marriage and I think, yep he was banging her at this time. He just doesn't get it.

He is sorry and I've seen changes in him, but he doesn't understand how deep my hurt is.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying, wow I thought my OW was bad, they could be sisters. Thank you for the comment,I am just being me and it is hard somedays. Does the OW try to have contact at all?

Doistay, does your H feel that he was forced to go NC? Seriously you might want to consider IC or MC. And you might want to use the term OC or the child instead of what you are saying. It only causes more anomosity and assume you are trying to R.


How long ago was your d-day if you help me re-call? It is going to take time to try to heal from this and what he fails to understand is just because he is letting someone else claim the OC doesn't make it go away for you. I am 1 yr. past d-day and I have my good days, but I also have my days when I am "why am I still in tis marriage"? It is so hard when an A makes us question why we do things or even our own sanity.

Keep posting and venting here. There are some of us that that gone thru what you are feeling and can truly understand the pain and frustration.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't say he was forced to go to NC. He saus it is best for everyone. But then he talks about wanting a relationship with the child. I call her that name b/c 1. I can't say her name and 2. I know it upsets him and I want him to hurt as much as I do. I am angry with him for having and loving a child with someone else, especially when we have been trying to have a child. I have known since Jan. May is coming up on the 1 year anniversary on the physical affair.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
tryin24give
♀ New Member
Member # 15821
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC~
She has supervised visitation with the OC 2 times a week. My H, must stop his work day(he is self employed) to take her almost an hour away for a 1.5 hour visit. But yesterday b/c her nutty sister showed up at the visit on saturday and tried to see the OC, those visits have now been cancelled.
This is such a mess, its not even funny. The OW, MUST have supervised visits(court ordered) and we are supposed to be working on haveing her family supervise the visitations, however, the methadone the OW OD'd on in October was her mothersso no visits there) , and her sister(where the home visits are supposed to be) is now being investigated by DFS for child abuse,so those visits are now on hold too. It's ridiculous. Really, when everything runs smoothly and goes the way it should, its just life, but when things like this happen is when i start to trigger and think about what happened non-stop. Ya know?
There is no contact between the OW and my H, all contact must be made through her sister, but now, it's all being made through our lawyers.


Me: 29
Him: 28
Children: D-3, S-18mnths, D-22mnths
D-Day- March 2007

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PA
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doistay2008,
the OW in our situation also said she wanted my H to fall off the face of the planet, never wanted a dime from him, would say it is someone else's, (because he was #2 of 3 total men she slept with that week) blah blah blah. Now she's going to sue for paternity and child support, which is fine with me. He is sticking with the NC decision, but if he has to pay child support then so be it. Point is, she may not disappear so easily. Just brace yourself for what might be coming.
The decision for C or NC is a huge one, but you should make the one that is best for your marriage together.
Trust me, no one here blames you for being angry at the entire situation. Hang in there and take it one day at a time


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DoIstay,

I certainly understand the pain and frustration that you are feeling in this situation.

And I agree with first and third, don't be surprised if later down the line she changes her mind about this. Do you think your H will change his mind?


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you guys know that WH and I had been trying to have a baby.

Anyway,we were talking about that last night and he said. "Oh, I want a baby so badly." At first I felt angry, but then I said. "Well then you need to fight for the right to the one you have."

I can't believe I said that. I am so angry about this child and I want the whole situation to go away. Here I am telling him to fight to be a part of her life.

What does that mean? Am I inching toward forgivness? Am I crazy?

The thing is this. He wants to be in the child's life. So I guess I think he should fight to be in her life.

But I'm not sure what that means for me. I too, want a baby. The fact that he was able to have one with someone else makes me feel like a failure.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first found out about the OC, I insisted he take a prenatal DNA test and be in this kid's life. At the time I thought that was the only right thing to do. However, once stopping to consider the entire situation, I realized that the decision to go contact or no contact is very personal and only you know what you can live with. The infidelity rollercoaster is going to give you highs and lows so your feelings will be all over the place and this is still pretty new to you. There's no real rush to make this kind of decision. The OC won't be able to remember anything for at least a couple of years. This gives you some time to make sure you make the decision that is right for you and your marriage.
BTW, you are definitely not the failure, he is the one who broke your vows.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
laurensc82
New Member
Member # 19226
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What boundaries do I need to set-up concerning a pregnant OW? I have told my H that he can only come home under my terms, I would like to write something up, but not sure exactly what to say.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2008
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laurensc - try these:
- NC at all with OW
- if she attempts to contact him in any way he must tell you (if she calls he must hang up, if she e-mails he must forward to you, no deleting of any emails or voicemails, etc.)
- no money or support of any kind is to be offered to OW
- if something (bad) happens with the baby then OW is to have her doctor contact your H
- demand a paternity test at the earliest possible date (before birth if possible)
- if baby is his then contact (if any) must be on terms you and H agree on
- any support for OC must be court ordered

[This message edited by kwash at 1:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2007
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lauren,
I Echo Kwash. In my situation, Ow was trying to get my husband to babysit the child. I called Ow and told her to leave our family alone. I do not recommend this. But at the time I was not happy with the way husband was coddling her (imo) He wouldn't babysit but he liked to let her feel as if she had power. LOng story.
Anyway, the point is: We have agreed that he will not contact her. (for now) If she contacts him, he will tell me. THere will be no money or gift given to the child until a paternity test is taken. I hope some of this helps.
I'm sorry that you are in this place, but at least its good to know that you are not alone.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out recently OW is supposed to be getting married in about 7 months!

Is it bad of me that my first thought was "I hope her new H wants to adopt OC".

I asked my H what he would do if he got court papers asking him to sign away rights so OC could be adopted. He said he would sign on the dotted line and be done with the situation.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I year anniv to D-day is coming up. we just had a S few months ago, who was obviously unplanned. as I watched H change DS's diapers in the hospital, I realized that it wasn't his first time changing a boy's diaper (we have a 2yr old D). He's been visiting his OC the whole time and not have told me about it.

I also recently found out he got himself another cell phone because his main phone is under my account and it has GPS on it. He says he has been lying to me about things because they are things I don't want to hear about. He does not understand that him hiding things hurts me the most. I feel like the affair hasn't ended if he is lying to me like this. Sometimes I feel so stupid for still being here.

are there anyone here who's H took this long to wake up? if your H had no clue how to fix the marriage in the beginning, what was the turning point?

ok, he didn't say he's been lying, he said he's been hiding things from me. appearantly, they are different things to him.

[This message edited by monkeybiz at 4:39 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
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