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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do agree that there are some OW out there who thought they were in a committed relationship only later to find out that the man was married. I think that they do feel betrayed because they too were lied to. Everyone gets hurt here, even the WH, whether he knows it or not.

I guess what I am saying is that not all OW can be put in the same catergory, just like all cheating persons cant be and all BS cant be. All of our situations are different. The biggest common factor is the deception no matter who's part it is on.

Now I figure that people are thinking OC is 2nd class citizen or something. Not true, when I look at OC (just to define who I am speaking of) they are just children, who need everything a child needs. Does that change my feelings about how they got here? NO.

My H told me he did not want the OC and did not speak to OW for 3 months after that 1 night until she called to say she was pregnant. He told her he didn't want the child, she wanted the child anyway. Then he said he did not speak to her until the child was born. After the child was here he couldn't turn his back on him even though he knew he could lose his family over it. So started 10 yrs. of lying and sneaking around all the time getting closer to OW and depriving my COM and myself what we needed and deserved.

My COM dislike their brother and I don't know what to do to change that because they feel that he took something from them. I have tried to explain that was their father's choices that took things away from them. If I can't understand it completely, how can I expect my kids to?

Maybe the everyday pain goes away eventually. I know my grandmother, her niece had an affair with my grandfather and had 3 kids with him and married him. And I guess she got over it for the most part. But a couple of years ago when one of the daughter passed away suddenly, the niece wanted to bury her next to my grandfather, my grandmother went ballastic. That is the first time since I have been alive that I have seen the reprecussions of the affair is still felt even after 30 some yrs.

This is our lives, good or bad.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said
I beg to differ...It was and will always be the last step in which HE has control of conception. It is this defining moment that HE had the last opportunity to prevent his family this pain

Auntic said,

I disagree here, because there are plenty of ways for a woman to prevent pregnancy and other than abstaining there is only one way for a man to prevent pregnancy, a condom. And true it is the mans choice to wear one or not, but if OW was someone they trusted and she told MM that she was on birth control and the stupid 18 year old idiot believed her(sorry I digress )and she was lying to try and get pregnant on purpose do you think that is fair?

My point is. Had he not crossed that point(sex with condom or not) this would be a non issue for his family. It does not matter what the woman options are..he know his options and that he had control over.

I believe that there are women out there that lie about fertility to get pregnant in hopes of "getting the man", yet I know a whole lot more men that will lie about anything to get sex.

((Auntic)) I believe you have been hurt deeply by this situation. I believe your heart care about this child also. I can also see that you care how other see you H. Even after 11yrs this still haunts you. You should not be carrying the weight of this on your shoulders...your H created this child not you.

I can honestly say that I have no empathy, sympathy for any man or woman(ow) that find themselves in this situation unless they have fully stepped up to the plate taken full responsibility for their action and made amends to all parties.
You chose to reconile with your H. I understand that in order to do that you need to forgive him, love him and still respect him.

she was lying to try and get pregnant on purpose do you think that is fair?

"Fair" is one of the most subjective words I can think of. So my take is...no it was not fair if she did as you believe. I also think it was unfair that MM knowing he was married had unprotected sex with an 18yo(assumption)girl that was despart for a relationship with him that he had no intentions of have a relationship with. It was not fair to you that he was out having sex with another woman while you comitted yourself to the family. It is not fair to the child that resulted, to have this situation as a legacy of it's birth. It is not fair to the child who's life started with such a huge disadvantage of paternal abandonment. It is not fair to the COM to mentally lose mom for weeks, months, and sometimes years to the pain of this mess. It is not fair to the COM to perhaps go without because dad has now obligated himself elsewhere. It is not fair to any of the children that they will miss the opportunity to know and love a sibling or few.
Your H sought the unfair situation he got. You and the children didn't. For you and the children of this situation my heart bleed.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I was right! I guess some poeple just don't quit. Found out that the FOW who just got married is in fact pregnant! She had an A with a MM who was also one of her school teachers when she was 18 and got pregnant, that man and his wife took custody of the child. She had an A with a man who was in a serious relationship when she was 20 and got pregnant, she kept that child and the father has NC. Then at 21 she has an A with my H gets pregnant and well you know the story there. She finally found a sucker to marry her when she got pregnant.

[This message edited by auntcis at 11:05 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savory unlike "ME" you do realize that my oc never knew she was an ow? that she was living with the man and under the assumption they were getting married?
I knew what i was getting into.....well I think I was someone else at the time, but none of the less I knew he was married was friends with the man 13 years prior. She had no clue he was married.
Hi Mary, please do not hear that I wear victim around my neck. It was a tough lesson, one that like you I have used as a tool to grow. My pain is not for me, it is for my son and the potential implication this will have on his future. I accept what he did to me and I take pride in the mother I am to my incredible son. I still have a hard time with what he did and continues to do to our son but even that becomes better with time.



Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doistay, my MIL was upset but not to a point of normalcy. you see, MIL had been cheated on all her married life, and my H and his sister are OC that they adopted. She stayed in an unhappy marriage until FIL died of cancer. SIL says H is an carbon copy of FIL.

MIL has gotten immuned to all the cheating and lying, she is just lucky FIL passed away and she does not have to deal with it anymore. Now she is living in this fantasy that none of it ever happened. At first I gave her respect for taking in the OCs, but now I can only think how terrible it must've been for the 2 to be brought up in an unhappy family. It's probably the biggest reason why I've decided to file for a D. I do not want my kids growing up watching my H thinking he is a role model (as my H did his father). I believe I can be happier without my H, and offer my kids some sort of stability. gosh, that says alot about my WH...


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I always find it very interesting when the OW or xOW goes on and on about the child (oc). How the child must be thought of, the child didn't have a say in this, the child's best interest should be the #1 priority. I wonder, where was that way of thinking when the only child(ren) to be considered at the time, when deciding to have an A with a MM, was the COM.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 9:58 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coastofsomwhere---

What are your suggestions for helping my young children handle the OC?

I don't want my kids to resent anyone but I want them to know the truth when they are old enough to understand.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SadMommie...do y'all have contact?

If yes, I think the earlier you introduce your children to the oc, the better. And the fact that your children are so young, in their memory, the oc will have always just been a part of their lives. It will be different and difficult at first, but kids, especially young kids, are just so accepting. And if you show them that you are accepting of the oc, it will be easy for them to follow your lead.

If you don't have contact, I'm not sure. Honesty of course, but when...I haven't a clue. I found out when the oc was 8 and I was 20. It was a huge blow for me...and would have been if I had found out when the oc was born and I was 12. IMO, neither of those ages is a good age to find out such things, you know.

I'll tell you, one of the hardest things for me to accept was the double life my father led...from the beginning of his A until the oc was 8 years old. I questioned everything...and realized my past wasn't what I thought it to be. That still tears me up a little.

I think your children should be told...because even if you and your H have NC forever...there is still the possibility of someone else letting them know or the oc just showing up one day. But right now, they are so young and wouldn't understand or remember. Have you talked with a therapist about this...someone who specializes in family therapy?


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SadMommie, I hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts here. I agree with Coastofsomewhere, if you have contact you should introduce your COM now while they are more accepting of things they don't know.

As for us we don't have contact with OC, but our 2 older children know about her. My DD was about 7 and my oldest son 5 when we told them about her. They were upset at first at thier father hurting me, but they weren't that upset about having a 1/2 sister. We felt we needed to tell them because they had heard my H and I mention OC name and had begun to question who she was. Now they know of her and have seen pictures of her because OW sends a picture every year at Christmas, but haven't shown any desire to speak to her or get to know her. We will tell our youngest son soon as he will be 6 next month. I feel that younger children are quicker to forgive and my H and I also felt that COM would resent being kept in the dark if we waited until they were older. So in my opinion, although it isn't easy you should tell COM as soon as you think they are old enough to understand the basic concept of having another sibling.

[This message edited by auntcis at 11:05 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI again,

My kids have met the OC but they don't know that it is their brother. : ( They didn'y pay any attention to him. He is a 6 month old baby and they were more interested in toys.

They will learn who he is in time.

Thanks for the advice. I don't want my kids to have any issues that I could have avoided.

Thanks again. : )


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I always find it very interesting when the OW or xOW goes on and on about the child (oc). How the child must be thought of, the child didn't have a say in this, the child's best interest should be the #1 priority. I wonder, where was that way of thinking when the only child(ren) to be considered at the time, when deciding to have an A with a MM, was the COM.
If I had known of COM or even a marriage your would have never met me in cyberspace. Unfortunately for me and other in my real life situation I was not given the option of consideration. That's where I was...

Perhaps Mary will come along soon and give you a better answer.
Edited to add..I am sorry you were not given consideration by your father and his OW. I hope you atleast had your mom. prayers for you Coast

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 3:23 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I always find it very interesting when the OW or xOW goes on and on about the child (oc). How the child must be thought of, the child didn't have a say in this, the child's best interest should be the #1 priority. I wonder, where was that way of thinking when the only child(ren) to be considered at the time, when deciding to have an A with a MM, was the COM.

Well speaking from just how I felt......

Yes I felt/feel that my daughters feelings should be consider. I also feel that the COM of the marraige's feelings should be considered as well.......not to mention my already in this world kids feelings as well....in other words ALL THE CHILDREN.

As a mother don't we all want "our" childrens feelings considered? Despite the title of the child or the circumstances when we look into our children's faces we want our children validated, considered and noticed. It's just a natural thing.

Coast brought up a good point that (i think it was coast sorry if someone else) that our children go off of our actions. Children are more accepting than most adults because children have not yet learned as we have.

I've said it before and I'm saying now, children will probally accept it faster than the bs will. The older the child gets though the more the child has learned hate from US as adults and of the world from there peers.

It's a known fact that when an affair person is in the affair neither party is thinking of anyone but them. there world. I know that when it came down for me I did think of xmm's kids more than he did. He wanted to protect himself.......i wanted to protect his kids from this with the decissions we both had made.

Xmm had his head buried so far up his ass that he would have let his family be blindsided and slapped in the face with this when he got served. I had to trick the man into telling his wife. Either way I am still the bad guy but I did think of his kids although it was after the fact.

Yes I want valadation for my child just as much as the bw does. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't....but again it is what it is.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain, but I have decided NC for me with OC. We have agreed that he would see the child once a week but that it. It's to painful for me I don't want any involvement.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lonely&depressed)))

I feel your pain hon.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

loney and depressed,

I just sent you a PM.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just sent u two I hope it helps.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited because I misunderstood the poster.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 1:03 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't ever intend to have a relationship with his OC. The best I can do is not be unreasonable with him but there are just some things I just will never do. I have no desire to have her in my life or my personal space. That's her mother's job. I'm not going to pretend like to pretend like were all some big happy family. I respect all the women that can embrace the husband's OC because it not the childs fault. But on the other hand I have to think about whats best for me because my H didn't and the OW didn't. I don't need a constant reminder of his lies and betrayal in my face as if I have no feelings and just have to suck it up. The OC belongs with her mother and that it. It's not OK. Embracing his child to me would mean that his behavior (mistake or not) is exceptable. Excepting his OC in the end will nake my H, OW and OC all benefit from the situation and I'm left holding the bag feeling like a fool.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

L&D, good for you that you are doing what is best for you.

The OC in my case is far away, and we see him only sporadically--and with the price of airline tickets, it's getting burdensome. I would be okay with NC for myself with OC, at least til he's older--but for me, it's too stressful thinking of H visiting without me.

I know OW wants to play happy families with H, and is pissed that we visit him together and don't give her the chance to do that. I think you must be so strong in a way I'm not to have H see OC without you--I would just constantly be eaten alive with the worries that H and OW and OC are doing the family thing----it would just kill me. How do you do it?

Not much new here--still doing the biweekly phone calls and 3 day visits every 3 or 4 months--hard on H to have a long-distance R with OC--but easier on me to have them far away. Time to work on us and all the post-cheating stuff that needs addressing--

No good answers, are there?



Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The understanding we have is everything is done thru OW's Aunt. She's the middle person. All contact is thru her. OW can't be home when he visits OC.
It's a deal breaker if if the deviates from this.Period!

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
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