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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL wants to be at the birth, this is a decision she has made on her own. My H wants to be there as well, b/c the OW has no support system. Like I care. I told him that I didn't want him there, but the decision was his. I had hoped he would say no. He told me he wanted to be there, as he doesn't feel confident that him and I will make it and he doesn't want to miss the birth of this child. Needless to say I was pissed!!!

If by the grace of god we stay together b/c right now it's not looking too good. I know my MIL well enough that she won't be able to keep her big mouth shut and not talk about OW/OC to my H or me or vice versa. Ironically enough my MIL divorced my H's dad b/c he cheated on her 2x's (LTA's) You would think she would have learned what that looks and feels like.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so what is he saying? he wants NC is you two stay together, but if you split, he wants to be there for the OC? or does he want to be there because his mother is? furthermore, why does he care is OW has a support system or not? make it clear to him that he is not there for her. his first priority should be you and fixing your relationship. I, like a few of the other posters, am confused about his reasons for wanting to do this. Keep us updated.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dream, your H seems to be trying to cover all his bases, and be all things to all involved. But I agree that his first priority right now is you and your marriage. He might want a R with his OC, great--whether you're together or not--but being at the birth is not necessary for this. Plenty of time later to deal with the hows, limits, and realities of his fatherhood of this child.

I know that if my H had insisted on being at the birth, we would not be together now. I know he toyed with the idea--OW also didn't have a support system here--but in my opinion, that's not relevant to the sitch. So he visited in the hospital the next day, with me traveling with him to her city--although I didn't visit OC (and wasn't "allowed" to visit for months and months), H never was alone with her and OC--that was my particular boundary.

There's no good way to deal with all this--but he's only hurting you more by his inability to commit to your marriage. First things first.

Good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Shocked  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My in-laws(MIL,FIL, 2 SIL) didn't have any contact with OC for the first 3 1/2 years of her life,because my H and I had NC and he told his family he didn't want them to have contact.

I don't really expect that there is a good answer to this question but I must ask...What did you H's daughter EVER do to him to make her deserving of him not only abandoning her but alienating her paternal relatives as well? Am I the only one to feel that this is excessively cruel behavior toward a child, HIS CHILD, that did nothing but be born without a choice.

Do anyone else see that these man are the ones that CHOSE to have unprotected sex with a woman not his wife(as opposed to the child's choice) and then they punish the child(the outcome of his CHOSE) for his actions?

How can this be an acceptable thought process for a father/husband...How could this be an OK thought process for a mother/wife?

Ladies, I know you are in pain but for the love of GOD look at the men that you are reconciling with and in some cases supporting/demanding they abandon their children...He had and affair that produced a child. His ability to walk away from that child is not an act of his sacraficial love for you. It is a continuation of the selfish, asshat character disorder that put him and you in this situation.

I will bet the farm that the man that could walk away from his OC is the same man that will walk away from his COM if ever a divorce. I will also take doubles that you will become the same "lunitic, whore, druggie" that these OWs now are(him rewriting history). You will also be the reason he give to his family, friends and new love interest for not being able to be a part of his children life. How do you find day to day security in a marriage with a man capable of such atrocities?


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone who looks into the faces of 3 OC everyday, I know the hurt that a BS feels. I know how you think out of sight out of mind. These kids are innocent and did not asked to be here. Us BW's did not ask for this situation as well.

IMO, yes the WH went out there and made another child but so did the OW. Its like I told my OW, when you have a child with someone elses H you don't get a happy ever after, you dont get a full-time daddy for your child. The situation is what it is. And no disrespect to my friends here who are FOW and their children.

It is hard to deal with this situation and everybody relationship is different. Should the WH abandon is OC? I don't know that is a question everyone has to ask themselves. I know I didn't know who my father was until I 32 yrs. old, my mother raised me on her own and my childhood was pretty good and I think I turned out to be a very good person.

All 3 of my children have the same father and I was married to him. That was my choice for my life. Everyone has choices. If your BS choose to forgive you, the WH first responsibility is to his BW. However for me, I could not see my H abandoning OC because of all the efforts he took to keep them secret from me for so long.

Kids are forever, it is a personal choice on how they handle it.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:05 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC&ME, I understand that coming from the point of view of the OW with OC you have a totally different outlook as us BS here. And from what you have said in your previous posts I do believe that you are sorry for having made the mistake of being OW and only have what is best for your child in heart.

Having said that, you can only talk about what you see from your point of view and speak for how you would act in any give situation. There ARE some OW out there that are as messed up as we BS say they are. My H and I tried to have contact with OC and her mother made it impossible!! And we didn't want his family to have contact with OC cause we knew she would use OC as a way to get information bout my H and myself. And we were proven CORRECT since as soon as my H family stopped giving OC any information about us and our life OW started making it very hard for them to see OC.

So you see although you may have YOUR childs best intrest at heart not all OW are the same as you.

And I don't think my H would EVER walk away from our COM. There is a bond there that could never be broken. There is a bond that is created when a man loves the woman who is carrying his child, he falls in love with that child instantly. He spends every moment with that child, the good and the bad,not everyother weekend or part time through visitation.

So in some cases your opinion may be correct. But I have to say if you are speaking about my situation, you couldn't be more wrong about the man and father to my children that my H is.And you are wrong to think that all OW/FOW are like you, some of them truely are sick.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said BMC and aunt cis.

I think the main issue here is that many seem to think that having the father in the picture with the OC will create the "Disney Happy Ending". It isn't the case. There is no happy ending in this OC/COM scenario.

In a perfect world, not only would the WS have kept it in his pants, but the OW would have said no. He didn't, she didn't and along comes a pregnancy. And at that point the ball remains in the OW's court, not the WS.

The OWs choice to have an OC does not negate the rights of the COM and BS. My FWH's choice to put his family first does not make him the selfish asshat he was when he had the A. It was a painfully difficult choice that had to be made - and he made it in the best interests of all involved -- COM & OC.

Each situation is different. Imho it is better to leave each to choose what path is best for them.

Blessings to all,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - computer issues

[This message edited by soverysad at 7:37 PM, May 30th (Friday)]



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - computer issues

[This message edited by soverysad at 7:38 PM, May 30th (Friday)]



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - computer issues

[This message edited by soverysad at 7:39 PM, May 30th (Friday)]



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - computer issues

[This message edited by soverysad at 7:40 PM, May 30th (Friday)]



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - computer issues

[This message edited by soverysad at 7:37 PM, May 30th (Friday)]



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes the WH went out there and made another child but so did the OW. Its like I told my OW, when you have a child with someone elses H you don't get a happy ever after, you dont get a full-time daddy for your child.
This is not about OW, this is not about rewarding her with "daddy" for her(their)deed.

Pain is not be all excuse to hurt another. It is not! I hear that just a little too much by people who want to justify their actions. If all the OW of the world rationlized that they slept with BW's H becaues of the pain they experienced because another OW hurt her by having an A with her SO...would that be understandable? Could we support her because we know the pain that betrayal causes? I don't think so...

BMC I was raised in an intact family. I never saw my father treat my mother like anything less than an angel. He was a loving, responsible man who actions matched his every word. I know it is the strength of the man that I was raised by that would never allow me to settle for anything less than what he gave my mother. It was painful to walk away from the man the I had fallen deeply in love with even after finding out he was a married, lying asshat. I know if it was not for my father I would not have had the strength, self esteem and courage to handle the sitiation as I have. I happen to believe that I turned out significantly greater that "OK"!

Once biodad's colors were expose and he turned to walk away he paused to reassure me with the "my father wasn't in my life and I turned out OK...

So because my questions had NOTHING to do with OW or her role in this.. help me understand why even if HE chooses to not have a relationship with the child why would he deny her the love of other relatives that WANT to love her?


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC&ME, My H finally accepted the fact that his Family was going to have contact with OC. All he asked was that they don't give her information about us and our lives. And they did spend time with her until, like I said, her mother could no longer use her as a pawn to get information. Then they stopped hearing from OC. So it ISN'T my H that is preventing OC from seeing his family, it is OW.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang Savory that is some major computer problems. LOL

I agree w/meandmyoc. I also know "that it is what it is".

No, not all ow's are like meandmyoc or even me. But alot of ow's are not as bad as it seems either. Some are.....Some are even worse, but does not go with any title we hold? It's the person and not the title of who we really are.

We can get into the whole ow had the choice to the outcome but really that is neither here nor there.

I've seen it, and do believe that if a man can abandon one child he can abondand more. No matter how great of a father he while there. There are some men who can't do it to any of there kids under any circumstances.

it may not be popular but I just would not go nc with my grandkids or family because of an affair.

If boundries are set early and kept to it, and even court ordered procedures are in place and all the adults can act as such it can work. I've seen it work.

If both husband and wife are not on the same page and only doing it to appease the other than it is NOT gong to work. You have to have the heart in the right place for it on both sides of the marrige.

Some of us have gone through life experiences for our belief in all kids and some have not.........so it is easier in some ways for others. Some just cant get over the pain and bring themself to love the child and therefore they should stay away.

I'm here to judge it, I'm just putting MHO in it.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marysway, I'm not here to judge either, and I think it is great that some couples can make it work and still have contact with OC.

But it seems unfair to me that my H and I are judged for the choice we have made by some people. I don't believe that we are bad people, we are just people doing what we think is best in our situation.And for my H character to be judged by someone who is not privy to all the details of our personal situation just isn't right.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never said it was right or wrong for a father to have no contact with the OC or prevent his extended family from having contact, I just said that it is a personal choice.

Put yourself in our shoes for one second, not only do you find out that your H has betrayed you in the worse way that a man can betray a woman, he also did not have enough respect for you to have protected sex and created a child. A forever, constant reminder that he betrayed you.

Now imagine that not only do you have to deal with the knowledge of the child, but now your H family wants to be involved with the child, the constant reminder of your betrayal. Imagine your stomach twiching everytime one of the family members mentions the OC or the time spent with the OC. And you are expected to not let it bother you and even smile. Because I am gonna tell you some people can be insensitive even when they don't mean to be. Imagine all of your Holidays somehow changed because your H relatives are spending time with OC. Does OC deserve to have family, YES all children do. Not that I feel this way about my situation, but I can understand how difficult it is for some BW to feel that way. I don't condone anyone hating the OC in anyway, but I also don't think that the BW or even COM feelings should be made secondary to a situation that they did not ask for.

Yes, I say it again, it is what it is. I chose to have my kids even though I knew my H had a drug problem, but it is what it is.

And all I am saying is you don't have to have a father in your life to become a good, strong, and decent person. I have seen several single mothers do a wonderful job of raising not only girls but boys to be great, productive adults. It is all about the parent who is raising them. So that is why I am raising the 3 OC in my life, because that is what I want for them. If my H and I separate tomorrow, I still will be in their lives and raising them because that is my commitment.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC&ME, I understand that coming from the point of view of the OW with OC you have a totally different outlook as us BS here. And from what you have said in your previous posts I do believe that you are sorry for having made the mistake of being OW and only have what is best for your child in heart.
Correction, I was NEVER by choice the OW to any man and not for one nanosecond after I found out. My child was not an accident but a planned event with the man I lived with, shared ever aspect of my life and was actively planning a wedding. I'm sure the minor detail that he was already married with children just slipped his mine for five short years.

I don't exactly fit in any of these lables here Auntics. I think that the advantage I have is that I can see both sides of this situation.

I understand BS pain yet there is no blurried line as to the one subtracting factor that could have/should have prevented it. I understand her desire to preserve her family even though I can't understand how she stay after this level of betrayal.

I did not pursue a mm nor did I knowingly get pregnant by a MM to steal him from his family. I can't relate to the woman that CHOOSES this situation for herself or for her child. Yet, I understand OW in that I had a child from a mutal relationship(not rape) with a man that has now abandoned that child who did absolutely nothing to deserve that. I am now left to deal with all the continued lies and twisting of history. I am left with the disqust that this is what I gave my son as a father. Most painful is the knowledge that my son will more than likely experience the pain of "not being good enough" for even his parent to love. Yes, I understand the hatred that is developed for this man. I also know the HELL we will send them to when they hurt our children.

I also know that I am far from crazy, nor have I once said or done one thing to get revenge, hurt his family, or keep him away from his child....but that is not what the people in his world know.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 9:07 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And for my H character to be judged by someone who is not privy to all the details of our personal situation just isn't right
I am not judging your H...I am giving my opinion on men who create these situation and attempt to fix them the same way.

Put yourself in our shoes for one second, not only do you find out that your H has betrayed you in the worse way that a man can betray a woman, he also did not have enough respect for you to have protected sex and created a child. A forever, constant reminder that he betrayed you.

BMC I understand more than I could ever express in words. I can tell you that an A without a child is a deal breaker for me.

I find it interesting that the child, who did nothing, is the constant reminder of the affair yet it is the H that you have to live with/look at everyday knowing what he did do. Is it possible that these children are simply being scapegoats?

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 9:46 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how anyone else feels, but I look at my H everyday and I don't forget what he did. I remember the moment he told me like it was yesterday and sometimes my eyes just swell up. I play the conversations in my head and the talks I had with OW, sometimes Im at work and it just hits me.

And as for my H son, I will not lie, sometimes I look at him and I see his mother, a woman I hate, and it makes me sad. I sometimes see him being conceived in my head, I see the sexual act in my head. And I have to fight that and deal with the present. I had to separate my feelings for the OW from the OC. Not every BW is strong enough to do that. Because like it or not the OC will always be connected to the OW and the A, it is how you chose to deal with it that makes the difference.

Funniest thing is the OW thinks I won. What the hell did I win? I don't know what is wrong or right, all I know is that this is a shitty position to be in that I would not wish on anyone.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:19 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 329
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