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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I've visited this forum, simply because the flashbacks have stopped. But this is a weird morning, and I'd like some of you long-time-away-from-NPD folks to chime in.

Mr. Threnody is, in a word, amazing. We are completely open with one another, and we even had a conversation last night about how we don't have secrets.

So why, when he picked up my cell phone this morning and glanced at a text I'd received, did I flinch? I even knew what the text was -- it was my 7:30 Google calendar reminder to take my pill. Was it the way he just picked it up? Flipped it open? Didn't look at me first?

I can never look at his phone without feeling a twinge of guilt. Maybe I was expecting some visual clue that he also feels one?

Or maybe it's because I wanted to a cuddle a bit longer and he got up and paid attention to it instead of me? And I'm transferring my pout to the privacy issue instead of the validation issue?

Or maybe all those years of being checked, controlled, and observed caused this? I don't recall ever feeling like this before when Mr. T reads my email, my texts, etc. It took me entirely by surprise this morning.

For the BSs of NPDs who have moved on to a new, non-infidelity-affected relationship, is this normal?

I'm very puzzled by myself this morning. I'm not doing anything, talking to anyone, receiving messages, having feelings... not anything out of the ordinary. I'm nothing less than 100% devoted to him.

What a morning. It's uncomfortable, feeling resentment like this.


ďIf you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.Ē ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you think of it in terms of a trigger? You know, our minds patch together things in the most random of ways.

It would be 100% in character for me, personally, to have the issue be more validation (i.e. why am I second to the electronics this morning) than any sort of personal privacy violation.

Just my opinion.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29475 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hoping it is a trigger. How's that for screwed up? I really hope it's just that somehow the flash of light from the window and the feeling of coming second and the way the books were stacked just so on my desk caused me to have a flashback to another time when xF left a conversation or tender moment and went to check the thermometer or his email or the TV Guide.

I agree, our minds patch things together so strangely. For example, I couldn't eat sunflower seeds for a couple of years because they were kind of like the strange seeds I was examining and drawing on a camping trip with xF the first time he called me "fucking bitch" and I saw the mask fall away. We get plugged in to one particular (size, shape, smell, color, sound) and the association can be burned into our conscience.

I've continued to dwell on this today, and I don't think it had to do with privacy. Especially because (and this is proof of my whackiness)I have had the desire to forward a lot of my received items today to him to show him because I think he'll enjoy it, have an opinion I desire, etc. I haven't once had the thought of keeping anything away from him. Quite the opposite.

So it was a trigger where I've never had one before. I can accept that. He can too, and I know when I talk with him tonight about it he'll be reassuring and sweet and things'll be hunky-dory.

But... sigh. Why this? This is one thing that is so perfect in my relationship with him. I want to stamp my feet and yell at the sky, "Is nothing sacred?"


ďIf you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.Ē ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...Or maybe all those years of being checked, controlled, and observed caused this?

In my opinion, this is exactly what it is.

I'm in a very stable, very secure, very NON-secretive, very open, very trusting relationship now. Much like you and Mr. Threnody. But there are times when he will glance at my email, flip open my phone, ask an innocent question about a piece of paper that I've jotten something down on, and I get that pit in my stomach feeling of DREAD.

Why??

I have nothing to hide. I didn't have anything to hide when these seemingly innocent inquiries came from my XNPDH either, but the outcome was MUCH different. My XNPDH was LOOKING for something and (maybe because of his own guilt) he always found it, and made something out of nothing and I was in for WWIII even though I was totally innocent. I was in for a night of NO sleep and possibly physical harm.

So now, even today years later with a man who I love and trust, who has never betrayed me, I still flinch when he sometimes does things that have a hint of familiarity to that horrible man from my past.

I'd like to say it will go away, but I'm not sure.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help me!

I had to tell the parents what really happened with the ex-NPD a few weeks ago and they were devastated. They had really loved him.

I don't understand why he lied about the OW all the way through the divorce. Why didn't he just admit it when asked? He would have been "free to go" immediately.

I've been so upset over this that I want to pop off a nasty e-mail so bad. I know better and I haven't had contact in 4 years. I never got to tell him off over the OW and for how he's hurt my family as well as me. Here I am 4 years later (found out in Dec) and it feels like I'm going through it all over again.

Please stop me from contacting him and letting him have it! At times I feel like I'm going to implode.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threnrody, it's a trigger to a flashback feeling. I got them for years after getting away from my abusive NPD mother. It wouldn't matter who did the thing, it would just trigger the old feelings. Grabbing a door a certain way, certain sounds or phrases--many things. There are some things that still do that for me 32 years later. Some go away eventually and the strong ones get milder.

Isn't this a kind of PTSD?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Threnody)))No advice for you, but hugs.

Tribe,

I'd been doing pretty well, and now tonight I am down. As I am busying myself waiting for the kids, I am picking up, and I stop to read the mail. I open a letter from my attorney. Statement. My retainer is all used up, and I now have a balance due of $1300. NPD and his antics at our hearing in June cost me 5 hours of attorney's fees. Oh, the cost of disentangling from the NPD...first he drained the blood from my heart, and now he drains the funds from my bank accounts. Takes food from the mouths of his children. How I want this to just be done with.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 2:13 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wounded - sounds about right. It was the same for me. My legal fees could be paid in installments, can yours?
Thren - I think it is a natural reaction to what happened in your past. No matter how far away from the past you now are, your suffering is etched onto your consciousness. I don't think it will ever go away as, sadly, it is part of who you are. On a more postitive note, the fact that your realationship is so lovely gives us "I will never find anyone ever again" types some hope.

Out - what would contact achieve? Would it give him another opportunity to laugh in your face? Don't give him the ammunition to do that. We all know by now that these freaks, who pass themselves off as normal people, have no conscience or empathy. I don't think you would get the result you would want.

My freak is very quiet these days. My life is calm, I have money in the bank, my credit rating is almost repaired, my counselling is helping enormously. Why do I feel something is about to come and bite me on the arse?


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OFU))) Don't do it. Write it and get it all --ALL-- out, but don't send it. It was interesting what you said about PTSD and trigger-flashback stuff, because I think I am kind of going through the same things myself. By day, I am a non-smoking person with big ideas and plans and visions. The minute I step into that house, I want a cigarette and I want a drink. I go through the motions of family life, but after Lola is in bed, I just can't do anything but sit with a book and vegetate and drink and smoke. I'm getting pretty tired of it, too.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thren, I think OFU nailed it.
Kinda like a Pavlov's dogs kinda thing.

OFU, don't do it.
Just consider it more fallout from all the hell you went through and go on living your life.
The best answer is a nonanswer.

WB2, is there any way you can keep from telling him info like this in the future?
It just gives him ammo for thinking up ways to fuck w/you.
I have the attitude that what my freakazoid doesn't know won't hurt me.

I used to share everything w/him.Who I talked to, what we yakked about, etc.
Now I don't tell him diddly.
The only reason I talk to him anymore really is about our son or if and when he's going to pay me something he owes me.
No more long intellectual discussions about interesting things that make your brain think about new ideas or anything like that.
And that's the kind of stuff I like to talk about.

itsa, I've had that same feeling too.
It's like everything is going too well, what's going to happen next to mess it all up.
I think it's a reluctance to finally relaxing and being afraid of being caught unawares for whatever next crisis happens.
It wears you out being on full battle alert though.
You can't do it forever.
It'll grind you down.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear HB,
I have read so many of your posts and your story. I just want to drive to Oklahoma and hug you. You are such an amazing woman and you have endured so much heartache. I just wanted you to know how much I admire you and appreciate you!

I also wanted to comment on the "full battle alert". I spent ten years with my NPD always being on alert and "battle ready." The residue of that still exists. I am often very paranoid even around non-NPD people wondering what their motives are and anticipating when the "attack" will occur. It is very difficult to learn how to just relax and trust people again. But, it is also wonderful to finally see that trust and love actually occur. I'm learning slowly to take off all of my armor and put down my weapons. The war is over and the enemy is gone. LOL

Thank you.

<<TRIBE>>


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GillyB, if I ever get back to MO, I'll look you up.
I used to run up to Joplin all the time to meet stbx at the terminal.

Update for TRIBE...
stbx left a briefcase here while he went to Indy.
I went through it and found some interesting papers.

He had or has 2 10k ins policies on the kids.
I don't know if they're still in effect or how to find out.
Nothing was ever said about these when Niki died.
I'm wondering if he collected on it and kept the $$$.
If he did, that makes him one of the lowest bottom feeders under the scum.

He's been saying that I'm still the beneficiary of his life ins.It's written up in the TO that neither one of us can change any assets in any way.
I found a piece of paper that shows he has his stepmother as beneficiary dated sometime back in 2007.
AFTER the TO was in effect.

He told me Saturday evening that he will keep me as beneficiary on his ins.

He doesn't know what I now know.

I took all this stuff to copy place and copied everything.


My L is going to have a field day w/this when I give him the info.

I don't mean to sound like a money grubbing shrew and I feel like all of this has turned me into one.
But I feel like it's only reasonable to expect my fair share.
His SM is well off from what she and his dad had and I still have his son to raise and put through college if something happens to him.

He told me yrs ago that his dad told him that he would inherit over a million $$$ when his dad died.
I haven't heard anything about that since his dad died.
I'm sure it's being kept very quiet from me because of the D.
I don't want any of his inheritance.
The only thing I would want is whatever genealogy info his dad may have had in his records.


I think I'm just about ready to tell the L to proceed w/D process.
I will when I get stronger.

Like Bette Davis said "Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride".


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we need a TRIBE anthem song.

I have a few that I like.
Here's one by Theory Of A Dead Man called "So Happy".
It works on so many levels.

Put the bottle down, finally got somethiní to say
Take another look around and find someone else to play
Needless to say .. That youíve got problems
Thereís no f#kiní way .. that Iím gonna solve them
Itís never the same .. every time you slip, then you fall down, down, down

Ever wonder what I been thinkiní about?
I been thinkiní bout throwiní you out

Chorus
Iím so happy about you .. Iím fed up, so get up and get out
Iím so happy now weíre through .. Iím fed up, so get up and get out
I was so afraid, now youíre gone away
Sent you packing, look whoís laughiní now
Iím so happy that I feel this way
Iím so happy that I threw you away

Put your problems down and pick up whatís left of the pain
Take a good look at yourself and see whoís really to blame
Needless to say .. you got issues
Thereís no f#kiní way .. that Iím gonna fix you
Itís never the same .. ever since you went falliní down, down, down

Ever wonder what I been thinkiní about?
I been thinkiní bout throwiní you out

Chorus
Iím so happy about you .. Iím fed up, so get up and get out
Iím so happy now weíre through .. Iím fed up, so get up and get out
I was so afraid, now youíre gone away
Sent you packing, look whoís laughiní now
Iím so happy that I feel this way
Iím so happy that I threw you away

Chorus
Iím so happy about you .. Iím fed up, so get up and get out
Iím so happy now weíre through .. Iím fed up, so get up and get out
I was so afraid, now youíre gone away
Sent you packing, look whoís laughiní now
Iím so happy that I feel this way
Iím so happy that I threw you away


Ain't it great?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This a good one to sing in your head when your NPD freakazoid is telling you everything is your fault blah blah blah.

By Puddle of Mudd and called "Psycho".

It wouldn't let me paste the lyrics but here'e the link.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/psycho-lyrics-puddle-of-mudd.html

Rock on awesome TRIBE!!!

BA, how's the jawb interview going today?
I've been thinking about you since I woke up this am.
I hope you rocked their world, gf!

I sent you some mojo this am.
Hope it worked.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't contact him.

You're all so wonderful. All the things you've endured and are enduring and you're all still there ready to help a fellow tribesman.

I wrote up a letter and got the anger out. I was really, really mad and finally got burned out. I dumped the letter. No attention in any manner for that SOB.

Then I had a little epiphany that is probably a "duh" to the rest of you. I was watching a movie about a child who was physically abused and I was finally able to link up emotional abuse as real abuse. I would see the abuser come home and I was able to equate the NPD coming home and being emotionally abusive. I surfed emotional abuse and read a good article that described the ex to a T. I was sitting there yelling, "That's him! That's him!"

I realized I still haven't GOTTEN it that emotional abuse is true abuse. The physical was obvious to me. But the emotional is harder for me to get my brain around, and I think it's also harder because I did go through the physical stuff.

I think it's worse because it's easier to feel like you've caused it or don't know how to relate or might be like your parent abuser or are just too sensitive or have gone crazy because you were abused. Well, you're already conditioned to think you are a bad person and then here's the "Prize" catch telling you that you are. And you wonder if you have a right to complain about such things since it could be so much worse--the physical.

I need reprogramming. Emotional abuse is truly abuse. When I can make that connection, I get the "thank goodness he's gone" feelings. But I have to work at it.

Do I just sound dumb?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ofu( I keep wanting to call you UFO )
Yes, it's emo abuse.
Emo abuse usually goes along w/other forms of abuse.

No, you don't sound dumb at all.
Victims of abuse don't always realize it is abuse until they're away from their abuser and have gotten some perspective from a distance.

Just like when I was a kid and suffered all forms of abuse from my eggdonar mother.
I thought that I was the only person in the world in that sitch.
I thought all mothers were like her.
Now how could I have those two totally different thoughts?

Because she programmed me to.

It's great you had an epiphany.
May you have more "light bulb" moments.
It helps with the healing and personal growth.
It has helped me so much to come in this thread and bounce stuff off the TRIBE and get feedback from other survivors.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Fucktard strikes again!


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got off the ph w/shitferbrains.
I found out that the insurance won't kick in for another 90 days.

That violates the TO.

Wunnder iffen ah kin get the L to have his ass back in court ASAP muey pronto?

Adding another item to my list.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB, I think both of your anthem songs are perfect for us. Did fucktard realize that he had left his briefcase at the house? I'm glad you put your L onto this. I gather he knows that you found the documents in the briefcase?

ofu, I had a similar realization that what my kids and I had suffered was truly abuse. Verbal and emotional. For the kids some physical abuse (never severe - pushing, grabbing, manhandling type of stuff). And some stuff that was borderline sexual abuse for me. (I'm still working on this. Processing it in my own mind.) It just seems so bizarre that we really only see the severity of this stuff once we have some distance.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't talked to L yet.
I think I will tomorrow.

I don't have proof yet about the ins not being in effect.
I wonder how to handle that.
All FOTY thinks about is himself.
I'm fed up with him putting us last.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
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