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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can read Vanakin's stuff on his website. He has tons of articles addressing many aspects of this disorder.
I think one of the things that bothers me about NPd is that there is this concept that it is primarily a disorder among males, just like BPD is often applied to females more frequently.
I think, in reality, both disorders are equally represented. But, for societal reasons and other factors, more men get the NPD dx and more women the BPD dx. In reality, they seem like, essentially, the same disorder.
Richard Skeritt write about this in his e-book, "Meaning from Madness". It's cheap, about $10, and is very enlightening. The behaviors he describes are eerily like those of my XWW.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oooh....i have to jump in on the 'watching' thing....

Oftentimes, I would have to go and meet my WH - airports, restaurants, etc...invariably, he would be there when I arrived and would never 'show' himself to me...he would be off to the side (playing with his phone) and kind of just watching me like some peeping tom or something waiting for me to 'find' him...it made me incredibly uncomfortable to be the one having to stand and turn in circles to see if I could spot him. It's like he was hiding from me and testing me to see if I could 'spot' him. He would never show himself out in the open or walk up to me when he spotted me...always just hung back propping up some wall waiting for me to find him....creepy...


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine would "watch" me in public too. At the time I thought he was gooey eyeing me with love. Gag - Puke

Now, I think he was studying me to learn HUMAN behavior and how to apply HUMAN emotion to life situations. He didn't have a clue.

During our time together these were the things that left my head spinning on more than one occasion. In emotionally charged situations,(like a death or a serious accicent) he either completely went FLAT, overreacted, or had very little reaction. It was very strange. Another example was how he would apply the emotion "missing" or "to yearn". He was completely off the mark. There were other situations and his choice of words and or reactions that never fit.

I was always left thinking, "WTF???"


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was under constant scrutiny, as well. My NPd would interrogate me each time I returned from picking up my boys at my first wife's house. Same with when I dropped them off.
"Did you see her?" "What was she wearing?" "What did she say?"
And, she was morbidly interested in my first wife's life, always posing questions about what she was like and what her new husband was like, etc.
She wanted to hear about any contact i had with her and even any contact i had with my sons from the first marriage. And, it was not out of concern for the boys as she would be pissed if there was to much interaction.
Did any of you guys start lying about this stuff to avoid a silent treatment or rage? I found myself lying like crazy after a while as the punishment for simply discussing parenting logistics or talking to my sons was too much to face.
I realize much of this was projection. Since she was so capable of cheating, she assumed I was, too and felt threatened by my first wife. I hated all the lying and felt like a coward but the consequences seemed just too much.
I was busted a couple of times and she would rage at how she hates liars. Yet, she was lying herself a lot, about the money she spent, the checks she bounced and her affairs.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jonesy -- YAY! So glad to hear you got that bachelorette pad!

(((ALL))) Our sex life has always been about me trying to please him, but it's been different. In our case, he enjoyed marathon sessions and withholding orgasms. It would be 2 hours into a session, I'd be on my second application of K-Y, and he still would not be satisfied. Or think of ways of stimulating me. Many sessions didn't involve any foreplay (for me, that is -- me giving him a blowjob was pretty much de rigeur and sometimes it was the only thing that went on. my jaw would be ready to lock from exhaustion because he liked to prolong that as well). It would pretty much be in, out, in out, in out, for hours at a time. Finishing often would involve him putting me in an excruciating position where he basically ground into me from the most uncomfortable angle possible. I couldn't cuddle afterwards; I was often too sore and if I didn't go soak in some warm water, walking would be impossible the next day. If I initiated sex, I was coming on too strong, and he could not get it up. But he complained all the time about how I never initiated sex.

WRT Housework: He doesn't help clean up the house because if I cared about it, it would be clean already. So since I "don't care," he doesn't need to help clean, and if I "did care," then the house would be clean and he wouldn't need to do any housework, anyway. See how that works out for him???

*different man, but the same story, over and over again*

[This message edited by veritas at 10:13 AM, July 14th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh*

Divorce is final. Apparently the judge signed it on Friday.

I KNOW that him being gone is best. (Really what type of man demands an abortion or a divorce the month after he tells her they should try to have another baby????)

BUT ARGH!!!!! I hate this. And of course, I have an OB appt today. The timing is ironic.

Bad day. bad day.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another NPD moment:

Last weekend was my X's weekend with our daughters. He wanted me to drive two hours to St. Louis and drop them off on Friday. Then on Friday, he decides that He wants me to wait until Saturday. And he wants me to drive one of his friend's cars instead of my own. I wait all day Saturday for the friend to drop off the car. It never happens. At 7pm, he calls to say that I will have to wait until Sunday morning.
Sunday morning he calls to tell me that the friend already drove the car to St. Louis so now I will have to drive my own car.
I drive the girls to St. Louis. Then he asks me to stay in St. Louis for seven hours while he and my daughters go to a birthday party. I will need to pick the girls up because he will be drinking. I say, "you can't control yourself and not drink in the afternoon so that you can bring the girls back?"
"no."
Fine, so I wait in St. Louis for seven hours and then drive the two hours back home.
I'm not a big fan of every other weekend when it means that I have to wait around for him to decide when the girls can come see him and then I have to drive them to him and wait around for him to be done. However, I am also not a big fan of him driving drunk with the girls. I guess I would rather drive them then risk their lives in his car with him. Why does he have visitation?


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gillian, WTF? Don't let this jerk call the shots like that. If he shows up drunk and want to drive the kids, simply refuse and call the cops if he objects.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok y'all, I have some new developments and need y'alls advice.
Stbx is due in tonight or tomorrow.
He's quitting his job w/ current trucking co.
He's going back to previous trucking co.
He'll be here til next Monday when he has to be there for orientation.
Then he'll come back here after orientation to pick up DS.
He'll probably stay a few days then too.
grrrrr

I don't think I can stand to be around him for that long.
It's going to delay my camping plans for a little longer.
He doesn't know about those.
I try to keep my life and my plans to myself.
Those aren't his concern any more.
It just bothers me that even w/o realizing it he still interferes w/my life.

I'm sure that he discussed this at length w/OW.
I don't care about that.
I don't care what he does w/his life.
But remember one of their terminals is 7 miles away from her house.
How convenient for them both.

Had to snark for a minute on that one.
If there was any chance of R w/him (there's not) I woul've been triggering on that fact big time.
Thought about it, and didn't care.
I think that shows how much I've moved on in a good way.

How in hell do I deal with him being here for so long?
I don't care to have anymore discussions w/him about anything.
I don't want to fight w/him anymore.
I just don't want him to be around me at all really.
It's stressful when he is.

What can I do?
What are my options?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Ron. He can't order you around like that. How is the visitation written? I would document this incident and if this type of thing is a habit for him, I would take him back to court and insist that he have a court appointed baby-sitter when he has visitation.

What an ASS!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see a pattern here and see it in the way I dealt with both my cheating disordered wives after D-Day and divorce( i know, two times. So, I not only doubt if I just bandy this disordered label about to make myself feel better but, if they are N's, that says a lot about my messed up self).
In any case, after discovering my first wife was serially cheating and divorcing, I would do all types of stuff at her request. I changed her storm windows and mowed her grass for a long time. On the mornings she had the kids, I still picked them up from her house and brought them to school. All tyopes of stuff like that.
I really believe that one is beaten down so far and has so little self esteem left after dealing with these N's, that we do not see how we continue to be subserviant. They have guilted us so much about almost everything that we reflexively do what they ask, even though they stabbed us in the back.
BA is picking up her N's car or delivering it to the shop. Someone else is driving two hours and waiting for 7 hours on the guy. HB is changing her plans as he is in town. I did this stuff, too, so i am not putting anyone down.
We can all see , from this distance, how we continue to serve them. But, like I said, we've been trained that we are nothing and everything is at their whim.
I'm pissed that I did this.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gillian,

You do not have to run the kids around the state for him! Holy Toledo. That has got to stop. He needs to arrange his life to accommodate his children. What a fucktard he is.

HB--

Tell me, please, that your freak is not staying at your house while he is in town this week. I think there must be a nice motel close by for him to spend the week in. Heck, can't he stay with OW??


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refuse to drive my kids to hy ex for vistation. If he can't come get them, he misses out on visits. If he arrived drunk then cops would be called (since he would be driving drunk). if he arrived home with my kids and had been drinking I would call the police. I also would document it and give him one chance. The next time I would document and then call the lawyer to have visitation revisited with supervised visits since he endangers the children's live.

No games, no arguments just hardball.

HB NC. He might be in town but as long as he is not living with you then you won't have to deal with him other than if he came to get DS and then it would be as few words as possible. I would even go so far as to write anything you needed to say to him about DS in a note and send that with DS as he is leaving. NC, NC did I mention No contact?


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


NC, NC did I mention No contact?

HB, did we mention NC?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is going to sound lame to y'all.
I'm not real happy about it either.
The NC stuff I totally understand and follow as best as I can.
It's just that in this sitch if I do tell him to stay at his bro's house or get a motel rm(he can't afford it) it gives him ammo to use against me to everyone about what a Bytchh I am and "Poor lil' ol' me" routine he uses so well.
Also, we've temporarily delayed the finalizing of the D so I can use his health ins and because I'm not emo or mentally ready for that since Niki died.

If I let him stay here then presumably things will stay calm.
I won't be interacting w/him much.
Won't be sleeping w/him at all.
If I let him stay here, it'll be easier for me in many ways.
I just have the stress of it.
And I won't be able to post here until he's gone.
SI is my "go to" place.
This is where my friends and buddies are that have been through what I'm going through and these friends "get it".

If I send him down the road, then it opens up a whole can of worms of fighting and stupid accusations and I don't need that.

Told y'all it sounded lame.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think you're taking the toughest road then hb.
even more that i maybe stand in awe.

i always tell people how i look is your problem.

i hope it turns out easiest for you though. i REALLY do!
i just like to think of hb laughing in everybody's face.
make it a private joke tween u & DS.
maybe i'm just being selfish for wanting to laugh.
yeah ron, workin on my picker too!
me 2. though i could not claim the substance it must have taken to survive
2 OF THESE!
more awe.
at least my first wasn't an N.
She had the 'decency' to have me served by surprise one christmas when i was alone.
2?
NO FREAKIN WAY!
still, i'm happy for cj!
& hugs for the rest of the weirdofreakozoidsurvivors!


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H ow do you figure it'll be tougher JJ?
Is there something I'm, not seeing?
It's very possible.
Since Niki died, I don't see stuff clearly like I should.
I feel these days.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

I think you, and only you, can gauge what you can cope with at this time in your life.

You are still dealing with the loss of your daughter, that is HUGE.

We often hear that we have to "pick our battles" and it sounds like you've chosen the one you are best armed for at this point in time.

If you aren't up to dealing with whatever crap he's apt to pull if you don't let him stay there and just want things to be as calm as possible, I understand and respect that.

((((((HB))))))



Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, I think I'm being punished.

H is in Iraq and has been since January. He typically e-mails every day to every other day and calls if, for some reason, he's unable to e-mail for longer than that.

Since I started posting in this thread, I've heard nothing from him but he's been in contact with other people in that time frame, so I know he has the ability to make contact now.

I think he may have found my posts here and, since it's something that would piss him off, he's shut down communication with me. When he's mad at me, I get ignored, the cold shoulder, shut out, etc.

I can't prove he's been reading here but the timing of his withdrawal from me makes me wonder.

H, if you are reading here, all you're doing by ignoring me is proving my suspicions correct. And I'm sure by addressing you directly, you'll think I've just given you a reason to blow off our anniversary on Thursday. Go ahead, blow it off, prove me right. That way, I'll know for sure.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunny, I kind of have the attitude that if he does pull something I'll kick his ass out again.
It wouldn't be the first time.

I just don't want any drama caused by doing it for no apparent reason.
Do I even make any sense?
A couple of Niki's little friends came by yesterday to let me know they got the disc of Pics from the Christmas play of Niki and them together.
Just talking to them made me break down.

I don't think the new meds are helping me any.


I plan on being cool, calm, collected while he's here.
And distant, as in MT. Kilomanjaro or Mt. Fuji Or Mt. Everest,or K2.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
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