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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. hb? o man, they feel soooooooo much better! their breathing is not EVEN as labored, trying to throw off heat -
she's nekkid,
AND SHE LIKES IT!
lolololol!

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron,

What you said about being accused of "being too sensitive". Wow. That really hit home for me!

My STBXH NPD used to say or do cruel things to me and then say, "What, you can't take a joke?" or "Oh, I can't even joke with you anymore?" All indignant and all.

He really wore me down to a stub. Even now, I'm thinking about things that I haven't thought about for a long time. How humiliating some things were to me. How wrong it was to make me feel like I was some kind of prudish freak for not wanting to participate in his "fantasies". I was really only an object to him.

It's so nice to not be walking on eggshells all the time now. To not have that feeling of dread upon pulling up to the house. To not have to fear his temper. To not have to endure his groping or his cruel sarcasm. I'm so glad that he is gone from my home. If I could just magically make him be gone from my life - well, that would be nice.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB2, you brought another point there.
My stbx has always made some derogatory comment about me to me many times over the years.
And when I've called him on it, he always says he was just joking or just playing.
That would piss me off a second time.

I told him that jokes and playing that hurts someone isn't funny or fun.
Did he ever quit?
HELL NO
He just got sneakier at it.
Muttering it under his breath where I couldn't quite catch what he was saying.
Now I realize that was typical P/A behaviour in action.

And Ron, sensitive guys are a wonderful rare thing.
I was more guys were sensitive.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a way, I am thankful for the egregious stuff, the no penis, you are like a woman, the dousings, the bounced checks, the affairs. I say this because the subtler stuff, the sarcasm, eye rolling, silent treatments, being ignored when I asked a simple question, is harder to wrap your brain around as being abusive. I cannot explain to folks what is was like to try to converse with her and the lack of respect, the condecension, the sarcasm. But folks understand that being doused with freezing water repeatedly in the shower is crazy , or being told, out of the blue, you have no penis is wrong and abusive. Shit, I was afraid to shower or undress around her. But, the constant ambient abuse, the subtle stuff will make you doubt your perceptions.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your perceptions and your sanity.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your self esteem.
I had begun to wonder if everyone thought this kind of stuff about me over the years.
You also begin to doubt your own common sense and judgement.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, and then you have to come to grips with the fact that you LET THIS HAPPEN. I should have pulled the plug way earlier.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Question  Posted: 1:34 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you figure you just let this happen?
Didn't it start small and build gradually over the years?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
woundedby2
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Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think the abuse did just gradually happen. Although, even early on there were red flags that I was too young and inexperienced to have really recognized.

Sadtoo said this:

The abuse starts slow and in spurts. We justify it as, "he's having a bad day, everyone is entitled to a bad day, right?" Then it starts to happen more and more often and it's more and more severe. We still justify and question our own judgement,
"Is it really this bad? Am I overacting? Maybe I am the one to blame, maybe I did bring this on. Maybe I am the one who needs help."

This is so true. I read somewhere also that at first you see mostly the good, charming side with an occasionnal glimpse at the ugliness, and in the end you see hardly any of the good and more and more of the ugly side.

My IC recommended this book called "Men who hate women and the women who love them". It's dated (from the mid '80s and the author is only dealing with men who are abusing women, but the psychology of her "misogynists" seems to me to be very similar to what we all deal with here.

There was a tidbit in this book very early on about how these types who are incapable of love break you down, ruin your self-image, turn you into a weak, depressed being and then despise you for it.

I think I may have to read that book again. Now that I have a little more distance and more insight into these NPD behaviors. I've learned a lot since I read that book back in October.

Ron -- yes, the subtle stuff. Sarcasm, P/A crap, muttering under the breath, speaking to you as they're walking away, ignoring you, acting as if they didn't hear you or understand, making you repeat yourself over and over, insisting that they told you things that you know full well they never did, making plans without even asking you first. Oh, yes, I could go on and on.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My npdstbx is also a misogynist.
He has so much trouble accepting women in positions of authority.
Especially women cops.
Or women with short hair.
Or women that look like they might be butch.
One of his brothers asked him years ago if I was a dyke because I like guns and knives.

But yet, he told me years ago that he was attracted to me because I was such a strong person.

Now I'm wondering if it wasn't so much me he was into.
Was it the challenge?
Was it the opportunity to feed himself off of my strength?

He and I have always had different political views and religious views but we always stayed out of each others R&P views for the most part.

I wonder why he did that now too.
Wouldn't that have been a rich lode for him to mine?

And so many times when the kids were little he'd pop off some racist remark in front of them.
I asked him several times to not do that.
I've tried very hard to raise my kids so that they wouldn't be prejudiced against people of other races.

I feel like by him doing that he had no respect for me or the kids.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
gillianbx
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Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X always told me how I lucky I was that he stayed married to me. He told me that nobody else would want me. Then he would point out my obvious faults and exaggerate all of them to drive his points home.
I was 20 pounds overweight and he told me how disgustingly fat I was. (I believed him).
I struggled in college with learning a foreign language. He told me I was stupid. (Again, I belived him, even though we both took IQ tests together and I scored 40 points higher than him. He hated it that I was actually smarter than him, so he particularly tried to pick at things about me that proved that I was stupid.)
I prefer natural beauty rather than fake, barbie beauty. So, he always told me how ugly I was compared to the bleach-blonde, heavily made-up tramps that he was attracted to.

So, I was ugly and fat and stupid and no other man would have me and I was so lucky to be married to my NPD. I should be grateful to him and bring him another beer and shut-up with all of my talk about communication.

I would never have left him because I believed his lies. I am now so grateful that he is gone!!!


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gilly B, I found out from his best friend on Christmas my stbx considers me old, fat, and ugly.

I'm younger than he is.
And yes, I'm over weight and I know I'm not pretty by any means.
But I wonder if he had to tell himself and his friends and who knows who else that to help justify his A's with his SIL's sister and mother.

Every time I think about who he chose to screw around with, I think about Jeff Foxworthy's joke about going to family reunions to pick up women.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex told my I was fat and ugly for years. I am a size 10-12. I am not ugly either. It is his delusion not mine. His new wife is alot heavier. I am sure that he will do the same to her.

I am struggling with my kids. They fight alot and the oldest is especially resorting to hitting his brother during the fights. He seems to be following in his father's footsteps. The whole thing is making my life terribly difficult because even at 12 and 15 I can't leave them alone for any length of time when I need to. I work part-time and I almost have to get a baby sitter for kids old enough to babysit if I want to work. I am so frustrated. I have no idea what to do.

Anyone else seen this happening with the children?


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Heartless, your X is filthy! Family reunions to pick up skanks. That is funny. LOL

The truth that I can now see is that I am very intelligent. I am the perfect weight and I am beautiful.

Any man would want me and the right man will cherish and adore me.

The truth is wonderful, isn't it?


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

L2, since Niki died, my son has no one to fight with.
He just won't do anything except watch tv and play video games.

Gilly B, I can't say that any man would have me.
I may be looking at spending the rest of my life w/o a love interest in my life.
Not sure I'm up to processing that yet.
It's too much on top of losing my daughter and this eternal D I'm going through.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied,
My DS12 begain acting out in rages after we separated. He was already in IC and on ADs. I called his psychiatrist who saw us quickly, and she put him on another med ("mood stabilizer") to help with this anger and rage.

The anger is definitely meant for STBXH and OW, but it was DD and I who were the targets of this rage. And, unfortunately, like your kids, his role model is NPD rage-aholic.

If your kids aren't in counseling, it might be worthwile to have them talk to someone - even if it's just a few sessions.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are all bastards and I hope they all rot in hell. How dare they treat normal,loving people like this.
The legacy of my freak returns...I had my neighbour,who is a builder, to come and put some lights up for me this morning. I warned him that the ex was the last one to mess with the electrics. Well, the neighbour found live wires that anyone of us could of touched at any time. I used to think I was paranoid when I thought he wanted to kill me. Even my neighbour said it looks like he wanted me dead.
But what about the kids in all of this, they could of touched the wire.
It will cost thousands of pounds to put right but I will be getting some quotes tomorrow. I wish I could even act surprised at this but I am so used to it.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
OutFromUnder
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Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the list of "can't you take a joke?"

Most of the things mine did were subtle and were much more quiet than the NPD parents so I thought he was really laid back for years and I was being mean to him.

When I would get angry about his flirting he would tell me that he was a people person and and I wasn't. He'd tell me I wanted him to treat others with disrespect.

Yeah, try telling people they're forgetting and losing stuff on purpose, messing up repairs on purpose, the unbelievably stupid things they argue about, the insinuations, leaving things around that could hurt you, etc. And THEN just try to explain one of those conversations that goes off on tangents and goes around and around and around until your head's spinning! I couldn't reconstruct one of those conversations to save my life.

I also remember saying things to him like "you're selfish" and then gasping at myself. How could I call this wonderful man that everyone loved "selfish?" And then he'd get this look of disdain and disgust like how could you think such a thing of me? Where do you get off thinking such a thing of such a wonderful guy like me? You obviously think so little of me who has done so much for you, you disgusting little nothing.

Eeewwwww. I just want to push him down some stairs thinking about it.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OFU, you brought up something else my npd did.
For years when we were out together, he'd be eyeballing other women and usually making some comment.
Especially if she had big boobs.
When I'd call him on it, he'd say something about he can still look at the menu.
And when I'd confront him about making a comment or noise, he'd say something like "you know I'm a titman".

No respect for me at all.
Or the kids when they were with us.

Oh! Get this...
he prides himself on being an asshole.
he's even made up a little song about it.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! Get this...
he prides himself on being an asshole.
he's even made up a little song about it.

OMG, HB.

Well, I guess when you've got your head up your ass enough, you're bound to get in touch with your "inner asshole".

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 7:06 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
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