Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied - I so hear you about setting the bar so high! Lots of my friends/acquaintances who divorced when I did have now found themselves in "relationships" whilst I am nowhere close to it. I look at the men they are seeing and I think "if that is all that is on offer I won't bother. There are already inconsistencies in the stories of the men and it just freaks me out. I think if any man who I have any type of relationship tells me one lie I will just go mental!!
However, I would still like to sip cocktails with someone these days!

I also feel quite distant from people these days, like I am not really engaged with them. These friends of mine, who were so supportive when I divorced, are making these decisions with me and it makes me loose respect for them. Some of them are seeing married men, others are going for anyone just to say they have a bloke, another friend has started smoking again just because her new bloke does etc etc. I sound a right miserable cow but I look at them and think that they are all compromising themselves. I guess I had so many years of doing that, that I just don't like to see it anymore. It makes me think I could never have a relationship ever again. Combined with my lack of self-esteem issues, the fact I have no confidence in my appearance etc etc seems to ensure I will be on my own forever! I can't even try internet dating as I feel too insecure. The legacy of my freak. Bastard.

Happy 4th July!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ron and L2.
You've given me much to think about.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa,
I went through the same thing you did. I had friends who I had known all my life. After my divorce, it seemed I saw EVERYTHING in a different light. I used to think I was paranoid, but now I realize that I was just much more tuned in to what was acceptable behavior and what was not. I went through a "house cleaning" phase. Any friends who dated married men, told lies, or engaged in any other behavior that caused me discomfort, I distanced myself and eventually ended the friendship. When I first started dating, my "Are you a liar-are you a rat-could you be a cheater-radar" was in HIGH gear. Any guy I went out with who I even had ONE inkling he might be any of these things, it was O-V-E-R.

It's not worth lowering your standards. You deserve to have someone wonderful in your life. Give it time.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:50 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and when you meet someone you go into testing mode. It is horrible. You ask questions and evaluate answers with far more critical listening that you ever would have considered before.

I try so hard to not pick everyone apart but I just can't help myself. I would rather be alone than settle. I know it would drive me over the edge to go through this all again. I know it will be a very special person who can handle being evaluated as I get to know them. I just can't help myself. I swear it is worse because I have kids and Really don't want to put them through the pain if I did get involved with someone seriously. I Know in time it will happen.

I have to admit that over time I am feeling less broken and my self-esteem is slowly going up. I have alot of offer someone and they will need to be able to give back. I have to admit that I am wondering if I am not going through a midlife crisis of sorts because I am also very aware of the fact that my kids are growing up and that I have a limited amount with my kids and they will be grown. I don't want to miss out on that time by being so focused on having a man in my life (because society seems to evaluate you based on if you have a mate ot not). I am a worthwhile person even if I am divorced (from a scumbag) and alone. Anyone who can't deal with that can kiss my....

As for people who settle I just have to look at the ex's new wife and what she settled for. It sends shivers down my spine thinking I could still be dealing with that. I feel so lucky.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2, I did the same thing when I met my SO. I swear, I put the poor man through the ringer. Like you, I couldn't help myself. Looking back, it's amazing that he's still around.

However, he has seen some of what I have been through and is very understanding about my state of mind. He was here to see some of the damage my XNPDH has done through his continued efforts of stalking, terrorism, vandalism, etc. My SO said that had he not seen it with his own eyes, he would not believe it because it is all so bizarre.

This is just one more thing that we as survivors have to deal with. The damage and the rubble that is left behind from these monsters is so unspeakable that even if we could articulate what happened, it would be unbelievable to the average person.

I remember in the beginning. Nobody understood. Nobody could believe that "he" could be doing all of these things I was accusing him of doing. I had to be exaggerating or something, after all he was such a nice guy.

You are right. It does take a very, very special person.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:16 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobody understood. Nobody could believe that "he" could be doing all of these things I was accusing him of doing. I had to be exaggerating or something, after all he was such a nice guy

Isnt' that the truth. Even still, no one can believe that he has had multiple affairs, impregnanted several women, and demanded me to have an abortion or it was a divorce.

My STBXH (final this week)is this "nicest" guy in the whole world. Everybody loves him. Until they get to know him that is. He moved in with this guy he worked with and he got kicked out within a month.

I just started reading this thread, as my counselor said he was NPD. wow, it amazes me that what is wrong with him has a name, and im not as crazy and stupid as he has liked to say i am.

*sigh* I'm exhausted dealing from dealing with him today,


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i remember the release in me, finding this place.
i was gillian to a T.

finding tribe like sad & lied, so so many! that understood!
what it was like to not be believed.

i think it's that - that has kept me from the deeper stuff. it's there. but i just can't seem to articulate it in anything but verse.
i think it's become my way of healing. i'm pretty sure it's ok, also, i think it's ok to be here. i feel like i'm with understanding friends and i love you all.

she doesn't know that i know about the motel6. i'm afraid. but it's something i'm going to make work FOR me. I have been thinking about the "reveal" (the best 'how to', that is).

I hope this works - I've never done either before -
photobucket OR doggins, lol!

[img}http://s309.photobucket.com/albums/kk384/JJCT_2008/?action=view¤t=P1010026-2.jpg[/img]


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

apparently, it didn't post the pic.
sorry.
it shows a matted black & white border collie
lol it doesnt show the thick brown undercoat!
"before"
the shavenbathe.

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

after

& elefino why it's not posting the pic!
but this is after "the ordeal" lol.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol
ok
wow.
Now i gotta figure out how NOT to screw this thread up!
lol!

she's a little 'new' to her new skin...
she's a perfect dog.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she's next.
LOL!
she slept the whole time i was working on her 'sis', & at one point she woke up & started the yappy "who is this?" bark! LOLOLOL!
i laffed my ass off! she didn't RECOGNIZE her!
lol!
LOL!


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying Oreo 'before' ...again.
(any wonder why my oldest son named her? lol!)

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't recognise herself. That is too funny.

Mine gets all freaked at mirrors. It is like she thinks the dog in the mirror is anther dog instead of her. It is cute as heck.

My dog is such a sweety and as much a light as my kids.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myprareysrightnowareforyew
ALL
of you!

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, jj--

You must've had quite a time with those doggies! My little handful has regressed in his house training. Rather, I have likely regressed in my remembering to take him outside frequently. Ah, puppies! Good thing they're so darn cute...

lostsahm --
Welcome to this place. You will find that those of us posting here understand fully what you're dealing with.

((((tribe))))

Yes, this, struck a chord once again with me:

Nobody understood. Nobody could believe that "he" could be doing all of these things I was accusing him of doing. I had to be exaggerating or something, after all he was such a nice guy

I think this is something that we've all experienced, and I think it's one of the hardest things to deal with in NPD-land. It really hurts that our perspective and our "story" will never be truly heard or understood or considered.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,
I've been pondering this for a couple of days, and I talked a little bit with my IC today about this. NPD got me thinking about this after we had a "discussion" where he threw at me something sarcastic about, "Since I was so horrible to you, I would think you would be happy that I'm gone." I guess this was to make me want to thank OW for taking him off my hands. Like it was a gift. Intentional to help me. Right.

Do any of you wonder about this:

"If it was really so bad, why did you stay with him?" What is the answer to that?

Why did I put up with it for so long? Why couldn't I see how bad it was? Why didn't I realize that he was abusing me and my kids? Why couldn't I see this until the "bomb" was dropped on me? Why can I see it so clearly now in retrospect? Why did I allow him to obliterate "me"? Why didn't I see it and leave?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wounded,

I fell upon the same kinds of questions. My IC lead me to the question "What were you getting out of it?". We certainly were not in the abusive relationship because we are stupid, ignorant , or naive. But obviously we stayed; so we must have been getting something out of it.

This has got to be one of the hardest questions to deal with. But it also appears to have been one of the last in my healing process. It is also a key to unlock the dynamics of other relationships in your life.

How to answer the question? I started by looking at an answer to a much earlier question. The question of What do you want in your life? My early answer to that was peace, the same as many other victims of NPD. Then I had to look at what was not peaceful about the relationship, how I responded to those situations, and how I continued the patterns.

Along the way, it is important to remember the only thing you can control is yourself. Don't let the memories tangent you from the mission of finding the answer that only concerns you.

May I also mention that this statement:

"Since I was so horrible to you, I would think you would be happy that I'm gone."

is really just a form of blame shifting. The N is looking for your permission to continue to pass the guilt of their own bad behavior onto you. Don't fall for this one. Remember what would have made us all happy would have been a loyal, faithful, honest spouse. We own no part in their choices. Being "happy" to be rid of them is only a "next best" alternative.

Many positive thoughts for you.

DF


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see nekkid Border collies!

Those before pics look so much like our BC.
She is so fluffy and wooly just like yours, JJ.

WB2, my answer to your question about why did I stay w/my NPD is that he gave me just enough to give me a false cruel hope and a desire for more.
Plus, the fact of being made to think that whatever fuckup of the day/week/month/year was my fault.
He called me bytchh for years.
He knew it was an instant pissoff button to push.
I don't know how many hundreds of times over the yrs I asked him not to do that.
Did he stop?
NO
I didn't know that was a red flag all those yrs.
Now I do.
Now I know it was him showing me no respect and manipulating me.
So one day I decided if I'm going to be accused of being one I might as well be the biggest baddest one of all and let him taste just how much of a bytchh I can be.
I don't like being one, but don't push me.
He pushed.

Fallen,the question about what you were getting out of it...
I think you have to look at it a different way.
Like "what did you THINK you were getting out of it?".

I think NPDSTBX was so good to keep me thinking I was getting something out of it.

I thought I had a decent husband.
He didn't drink, didn't beat me, didn't rape me,didn't do drugs, was good with the kids (or so I thought back then).
I thought I had a decent M.

Sure we had some problems, what M doesn't?
But I thought we could deal with anything.
We've had some bad times together over the years but we had a major debt monkey we were finally close to getting off our back and financially things would've been better.

I was looking for ward to having the kids in college in a few years and going on the truck w/him and spending more time w/him.
It's hard being a trucker's W.
You have to handle all the day to day stuff by yourself.
Like if a pipe breaks and water's shooting everywhere.

I can't help that he decided he wasn't happy w/his life.
I just thought he was hitting some kind of male MLC starting back in 2003 and if I just kept on being myself, taking care of the daily stuff, and gave him some room to work it out, he'd be ok.

Boy, was I ever frikken' wrong!


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hells bells - am i oversimplifying this?

i stayed because i am a good and true person with alot of love in me.
i even spent (xyz time, energy, effort) trying to fix things. it took awhile to figure it out, but hell, even i can see the difference between fixing things (doing all that was demanded of me for the marriage)
& fixing *you*.
sure, it's *taken time* - because of how much i loved you and cared, and because it took *this long* for this sharp-as-a-marble sufferer to finally get it that you could not be fixed (by me, anyway).

& downfall -
"Since I was so horrible to you, I would think you would be happy that I'm gone."

is really just a form of blame shifting.

Why isn't the answer simply "Yeah, i AM happy!" (the N is out of my life)?

that would seem to make:
Being "happy" to be rid of them is only a "next best" alternative.
more like the "best alternative" - to me.

maybe i'm missing something -
highly likely, lol!
i'm just trying to simplify some of this crazy crap so i can understand it (remember, i gots me a duhgree)...

my *tough question* is;
"If I was all into the OM, wouldn't I want a divorce? Why do you hear me say I don't want a D?"

answering to her; "because you want your cake..." just does not seem satisfying enough. doesn't have the BOOM i'm looking for.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downfall,
Your words are so wise. I am going to think about what it was that I was getting or as HB suggested what it was that I thought I was getting out of it.

It's always good to hear that others get stuck on these same issues. It so often comes back to the same self-doubt -- thinking that I was foolish or stupid. At least I am past feeling like I deserved any of it, or caused any of it. One step at a time, I guess.

Thanks for the support today.

((((Tribe))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.