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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

s2 - right, the "other reversal".
How interesting!
and another thing, it "fits" like a shoe!
ALL the things I struggled for years to see and understand -
in myself! To 'take blame for' to consider; "am I really an emotional desert?"
I am now seeing are NOT true at all - of ME!
But am just gnashing at the bit to point out how REALLY TRUE all those things are - of HER!

I'm fine. No worries. Just pukin on a stupid floor.
LOL!


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went throught the same thing. I thought there were so many things wrong with me. I was so desperate to save the marriage. I even sought treatment from a psychiatrist for paranoia because a "continually wrongfully accused my husband of infidelity." I was in treatment for almost two years. He would not partake in the treatment (announcing "this is HER problem") leaving it all up to me. Finally this strange woman came to my door with a toddler in tow asking me when I was going to move out. She went on to tell me that she an my husband were in love and as soon as I was "committed" she was moving in and they were going to raise their daughter together.

Needless to say, I didn't move anywhere. He found his shit on the front lawn.

I cannot even explain to you how angry I was after discovering the level of deception I had been through.

You are so right about the "reversal" thing. I remember one time my then husband (who was 6' 3") and was screaming his head off and jumping up and down yelling, "YOU ARE SO IMMATURE!!!"

That kind of stuff drove me up the wall. I'd be looking at him going, "ME???"


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

s2, I've been sitting here re-reading your post for 20 minutes, and each time, I think of; "what in the world could I ever say to that?"

I've said it before, and your story reminds me again of something I think of when I read the tribe's posts.

There's something about male N's that makes them worse. Yes, male narcissism is more frequent, but there's a "quality" of horrid in the women's stories here that -
frankly-
it just boggles my mind.
2 years in psych? That alone makes me want to physically de-license that *doctor*!
Then the discovery of a plan to have you put away - and in such an oh-so-wonderful way?

there are no words to describe how terrible with anger I feel.
I think I'll say it this way - in a positive way ...
Whenever the 'weaker sex' bullcrap conversation arises, I will think of you.
ALL of you (((TRIBE)))!
It staggers my mind to hear what you have endured, and what you are continuing to endure!
And I'll think of that, and how I've seen now, through your stories - what real strength is. My stuff seems like dirt on a carpet (puke on a floor lol!)...some asshole chauvinist will get the sharp side of my tongue, & I hope to God I'll be able to stay out of jail if I ever knowingly know of one of these male N's!

What you've gone through humbles the hell out of me. I don't think I've ever known such anger in me. Wow.
What? Hugs?
ok! (((((()))))))
you all are simply amazing people.


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and why the hell couldn't I have met one of you?

Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've posted here only once before. I have not read all 22 pages and hope I'm not breaking some protocol.
I am in the midst of a highly contentious D with STBXNPDH. I sure all of you can relate. My issue involves my son and how to protect him from his dad but not sever all contact with his dad.

So, we go to trial next week, unless we work out something this week. STBXH attorney is pushing for a child advocate instead of addressing custody at trial. I WANT the court to see the very compelling photos of S hand. I want STBXH held responsible.

I'm looking for guidance. How should I approach this? (I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about S being with his dad 50% of the time)

Last fall, I filed for and received a CPO against STBXH after I walked in on him sitting on top of my 14 y/o son's chest while my son was gasping for air and stating,"get off of me! I can't breathe. (The truth is, S was having a hard time breathing.)
(My STBWXH has been verbally and emotionally abusive and at times physically (pushing, grabbing my arm)throughout our marriage.) That event pushed me over the edge and led to the CPO.

Since STBHX moved his GF here a month after he was thrown out of the marital home and lived with her, he had no place to take my son for overnights. In January, he moved into our rental house alone since I wouldn't allow his HO to live there. Although anxious, I have allowed my S to spend the night a couple times a week, always speaking to my S as to how it went after he would get home.
Fast forward to the end of March. My S came home on a Saturday morning after spending the night with STBXH and would not talk about his time at his dad's. S did not have contact with his dad the rest of the weekend and would not allow his dad to pick him up to take him to school on Monday. When I asked what was going on between he and his dad, S replied that if I knew I would be mad. As luck would have it, our attorneys, STBXH and me had a meeting scheduled on Monday, so I had my attorney ask. STBXH refused to answer.

On Mother's Day, I picked up my S from STBXH's house. S had gauze wrapped around his wrist. I asked what happened. S stated he had a burn. I asked how it happened and he once again said if I knew, I would be mad. He would not let me see it. STBXH did not communicate anything about what happened nor that it should be cared for. That Monday, S went on a week long trip with his school. I contacted S school and spoke to an adult on the trip, requesting that S's burn be tended to morning and night. When S returned, I looked at his burn. I was horrified. A second degree burn that was an inch wide and 3/4 of the way across his wrist. S would not tell me how it happened. That week we had depositions. My attorney asked what happened. STBXH looked chagrinned but laughed it off as an accident when he tried to remove a wart on S's hand. When I got home, I had S tell me what happened and said I wanted to hear if the stories "jived".

Here's the kicker. My STBXH is a family physician. He did not use authorized treatment for wart removal. Instead he used the canned air for cleaning computer keyboards. It makes me cringe to think of how much this must have hurt S. I am FURIOUS. What was he thinking? Clearly not. Now instead of a scar the size of a pencil eraser, he has a scar the size of an egg.

STBXH is still clamoring for 50/50 joint custody. I don't want that. I limited my son's time with STBXH for a week after I found out the details of how he got the burn. However, S was begging to go with his dad. STBXH is a typical NPD in that he controls S by lavishing him with gifts, takes him out to dinner, etc. I'm sure you're familiar with the routine.

I'm very concerned about my S well being while in STBXH care. Just as concerning is the fact that S stated that it was his fault as he asked if warts could be removed with the canned air. I see my S slipping into the role that I had in my marriage, and quite frankly, I'm terrified.

I'm looking for guidance. STBXH attorney does not want to take this to trial-ya think? I want the court to see photos of S hand and make decisions accordingly. STBXH attorney is pushing for a child advocate to decide on custody.

[This message edited by WantOut at 9:28 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,
Actually, going to therapy for *paranoia* was the best thing I ever did. See, the doctor was very good. He realized that I wasn't "paranoid" and that I was actually in a very abusive relationship. He began to treat me for depression and very gently guided me to the truth about my marriage. He helped me build my self esteem back up and boost my confidence back to where I could stand up for myself. It's amazing how far in DENIAL I was.

As far as measuring which types of PD's are worse or weather male vs female npd's are more evil, it's really all relative. They are all horrible.

Wantout,
((Hugs)) We don't offer legal advice here. I can tell you that fighting an NPD in divorce court, custody court, or any court can go on FOREVER. They will nickle and dime you until you are broke. I don't know where you are from or what the laws are there, but MOST courts want children to have a relationship with BOTH parents, unless there is documented abuse that has gone on for years resulting in arrest, etc.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never mind. I was not asking for legal advice-only what is best for my son and if anyone has been in a similar situation and what worked or did not work for them in dealing with an abusive NPD parent. Is not a burn scar on his hand documented abuse?!? At the very least this shows very poor judgement for a physician.

Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not my intention.

There are others here that are maybe better able to help. Hopefully they will be along soon.

Again, my apologies. I hope everything turns out okay for you and your son.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

s2 - excellent then...I'm glad you had help (it sounded like part of the prob, that's ok, i just didn't know the story)...
I understand it's all relative, there's probably just more (quantitatively) male N's, and I just can't deny the frequency of physical abuse etc. (qualitative horridness) attributed to them.
case in point - WantOut's story.

((((WantOut))))
What's best for your son seems to me to be talking about his feelings openly.
I see it's a week till trial - & I think you should definitely have your say to the judge with pictures-
not much time durnit,

But it seems like he's holding stuff in - damaging to him.
therefore, i hope you're able to get counseling for him. I'm sure you're covering that, right?

It must be hell for you (& him) though -
the sooner an abusive freak like that is outed, the better!

Hugs and strength to you!


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

s2-Oh, that's okay-I'm just lashing out, out of frustration. I am fed up with his attorney stating repeatedly that "there is no reason that there should not be 50/50 custody." Is she F*cking blind?

jjct-Thanks for your input. Yes, I've had an ongoing conversation with S about therapy. He does not want to go. And now, quite honestly, I can't afford it as insurance does not cover it and STBXH has decided to cut my maintenance and that is still being addressed. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone with STBXH running the show.

I got my 17 y/o D into therapy last fall and as a result she has severed all ties with her dad. I have very mixed feelings about that but it was a decision she came to with her therapist. My D is happier than she's been in years, although how much of her unhappiness was due normal teenage angst I'll never know.

As I stated, I am terrified that my S will be my STBXH's new victim. He is playing such mind games with my S that it is frightening. Of course, S does not see it. Just the fact that my S took responsibility for his injury inflicted by his dad speaks volumues to me.

I think you are right- I should push for a trial to address custody (after we hopefully work out a property division and support agreement )


Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wantout,
No worries. I completely understand your frustration. Dealing with these people is maddening.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wantout I am still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor.

If he is a doctor and is treating your son like that my first thought is to call the medical board and have him investigated for malpractice because that is just plain abusive and damning. Of anyone, he would know the kind of damage he has done. Pissible infection, nerve damage. Oh man, your poor son. I can only imagine the kind of pain he was in as well.

I was given sole custody of my children because their father abused them and was investigated repeatedly for child abuse. The last few straws were holding my oldest to wall by the neck, exposing them to porn, and emotional abuse. He has access at my discression and now if not seeing the boys because he refuses to give me him home phone number. At this point that means the children will miss his wedding in 2 days because I have no wedding information and no phone number. He is showing his true colours.

In my case child protective services got involved and the fight to give me custody was with them and the courts so it was not something I had to pay for. You might want to consider having this insident reported to them and get them involved. When your son goes with his father in visits it would be totally out of your hands to protect him. The only people with jurisdiction to protect them at that point is the courts and protective services. It would defintially be worth asking them.

SOmeone with NPD disorder getting help. Hmm Nope, I don't think so. They make all kinds of sound to appease you but in reality they can get help and really change if they don't think there is a problem. People don't fix things that aren't broken.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
layla22
♀ Member
Member # 19765
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! I am new to the site and this thread and OMG, this is my WH to a tee.

To be fair, he is probably not full out NPD but he does have traits of it, combined with knight in shining armor syndrome (that's what fooled me about the NPD).

My dad is NPD and my two other serious bf's before WH were, but WH seemed so different, until he cheated and it all became my fault.

The apology I got was "I am sorry that you are feeling hurt. What I did was not intended to hurt you or even to become known by you. You just had to snoop and had to ask, it's your own fault you are hurting now!" Our MC said it was classic NPD, to which WH responded "But if I admit that I have NPD then I can't have NPD because a true NPD person would never admit they have it!" How's that for convoluted NPD reasoning?


Silence is golden and duct tape is silver (courtesy of my 13 year old son)


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere out there
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow. They all just wear me out. I don't even know what to say to all of you.

WantOut, I hope things work out for you and I would definitely report that doctor. I work for a health care org and it needs to be reported.

Sad2, yikes. Kinda reminds me of mine. I'm glad he wanted us to go to therapy (to expose me as troubled) because as you said, she outted HIM and wanted to treat me for depression cuz of him.

jjct, My mother and sister are NPD's and the females can be pretty darned awful as well.

lied2, you have custody so I would just totally ignore that dolt. So the kids miss one of his weddings. Oh well.

And layla2, what yours said was the icing on the page. So NPD. When I told mine he was passive aggressive he said "If I am, you're making me that way."

What a lovely group, the NPDs. And I got an e-mail forwarded to me by my NPD mother from my NPD sister bragging up a storm about her life and her things. What a perfectly NPD day. Wretch!

I say HUGS all around today.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Tribe!
Checking in today after my Mandatory Custody Mediation with STBXNPDH. Wow, it was gruelling. Really.

2 1/2 hours.
In the same room.
Just me and my NPD
and the mediator behind her desk.

My attorney had prepped me for this. She had told me how to act. Things to say and not say. What to bring up and how to say them so they don't sound really paranoid or vengeful. I had my ideal parenting plan written out with alternatives - just in case. I had my log book of wacky NPD behaviors with me and photos of DS's recent texts saying his dad was hitting him and grabbing him. My attorney told me that don't usually look at these things, but to take them.

STBX strolls in without anything prepared. I don't think he had given any thought to holiday schedules at all. His attorney obviously hadn't prepped him for this. Poor him...

I remained cool and calm. My declaration told of the verbal and emotional abuse and the violent temper. The stalking and harassment was also in there. I had disclosed a visit by CPS in January, so the mediator had a copy of that report sent up to her. He tried to claim that these events were more than 2 years ago. I explained that they continue on, with the most recent being Memorial Day weekend. I expressed that I want him to not go into my home. The mediator agreed that with the history of stalking and harassment allegations that this is reasonable. He would not agree to this. And he said to me, " I KNEW you were going to bring this up against me." Duh, no shit, Sherlock....

I could go on and on. I remained calm. He got hot under the collar several times, but never fully went into a rage - darn. I refused to budge on giving him what he wants. I kept speaking in terms of what's best for the kids and what's comfortable for the kids. He was saying I, Me, etc.

I still can't believe that he refused to agree to stay out of my house. He told the mediator that his attorney has told him that he has the right to be there. He feels justified in going in there to get DS to go with him for visits (I am at work). So, now the judge gets to see this refusal. What a dumbass. Did he just shoot himself in the foot or what?

He is still holding out for more visits - he wants everyday after school. It is too much for the kids. I hope the judge will agree. My attorney is getting DSs IC to do a declaration also. I think she may have reported the Memorial Day incident to CPS as well.

NPDs - gotta love 'em...
Or LEAVE 'em!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7615 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Wb2, Usually all you have to do is let them talk and they will be the best player on YOUR team!!

Every time I went to court with my XNPDH he insisted on testifying and talked his way right into my favor. One time he was explaining to the JUDGE his version of legal process. Like the judge doesn't know. Good move there.

Unbelievable.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya Tribe!

I'm back from my trip to 2 different states now and I'm dying of exhaustion and pain.

Car trips just KILL me!

(No, jj, have not gone to see that doc yet -- will PM u about being probably something else...! )

Anyway, due to "lurker alert", cannot go into much detail here but I need hugs, prayers, and healing thoughts from all of you, please!

Thank you!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dream)))
Hugs and strength!

Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you.

I am a bit better this morning.

Its really so true how N's are so selfish, inner-focused, and wear a *Mask*.

N knows I'm not feeling well, but its a very "canned" response (if even one at all) as he rushes on writing to me via e-mails about his "Graphical Novel" which, of course, is ALL ABOUT HIM.

The dis-connect is also clearly there as its NOT supposed to be an autobiography!

I just feel so incredibly SAD for all here who have a child/children with an N.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Male or female they are abusive as hell.
I don't think there are more male NPD's. It's just that the females get tagged with the BPD label more frequently. These disorders are essentially the same.
If you read on this stuff, you'll see that physical violence is just as common among the females. It just gets under reported.
Onw question: was your NPD very fixated on his or her physical appearance. My XWW would go on crah diets eating only steamed broccoli and cauliflower and saltines with diet ranch dressing. She would buy tons of clothing such that we went into debt. She needed to tan for hours each day and liked to stroll around in bikinis.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
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