If I were you, I would get all you can get. Worry about what you can use later. Use audio, video, photo, journals, eye witness accounts, text messages, emails, etc. Gather ALL YOU can and take it to your attorney. Let him/her make the determination as to what can be used.
Your violent STBXH has put you into this position. You need to protect yourself against HIS violent and agressive behavior. You need to use what ever is available to you to PROVE what he is doing. You have a RIGHT to be safe in your own home. You have a right to protect your children.
Do not allow him to bully you further by turning this around into, "You are doing this, or you are doing that..."
HE did this, and it's time that he learns that there are consequences for his behavior.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
I do agree that he needs to learn that he will have to pay the piper for his actions. I know that my ex is now less likely to push me when he feels like it because I now don't back down like I used to. Pushing me is a very bad idea because I push back HARD.
I know that we do teach people how to treat us and we have taught some of these NPD people that they can treat us like crap. It is time to change that and teach them different. It is hard to retrain them but what choice do we have? If you have kids you end up dealing with them. My ex now will comply with the court order at the very last second. He does comply now because he knows I will take him back to court if I have to (even for the slightest variance)
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Being married to one of these nuts just sucks. They suck the life right out of you.
*I* am fine ~ busy as hell with working, going to school, and getting ready for a party this weekend when my daughter and her boyfriend move to North Carolina (Sunday A.M.!) I will miss her dearly.
Okay, thats not my question yet.
I have almost COMPLETELY detached from WTF, and my daughter and I have been looking at local apartments for several days. Toured them, got prices, *kinda* narrowed it down. Its all good and she says she feels a LOT better knowing that I am "halfway out the door" from this whack-job.
Still not a question.
Here's the thing..WTF's passive-aggressive anger/hostility seems to be ramping up a bit. I am not fearful for my safety (physically), or I'd be GONE in a heart beat. What he's *doing* is really odd though.
He picked up my dress shoes that I had set on top of my long dresser (in the master bedroom) and threw them on the chair in the corner (that I use for dressing).
I had taken apart and cleaned the *real* whipped cream maker and left it on the counter. I haven't had a chance to pick up more of those N2O cartridges, so it was left apart and out. He reassembled it (empty) and put it in the cooler bag that I use to carry pop when I go ANYWHERE.
This one is the most assinine: Today was "garbage day." HE takes out the garbage, everyone just puts bags in the canisters in the garage or next to them if they're full. I had FOUR big black garbage bags over the last week that were sitting there. He takes them OUT of the garage, but did NOT take them out to the road ~ they were sitting there when I went outside this afternoon (way past garbage pickup). Apparently, if its MY garbage, he won't take it to the road.
My daughter has been around alot the last several days and she cannot BELIEVE how incredibly hostile he is towards the human race. Its REALLY obvious. I think part of his anger is because of some really good karma that came my way in the last month (PM if ya wanna know), and he is EXTREMELY angry at me.
We live near hockeytown (Detroit) and my daughter, her boyfriend and I are big fans. The Wings are in the Finals right now, and he REFUSED to turn it on the big screen tv (his) in the great room, so we've watched the games downstairs (its not a *bad* TV, its just that we are NOT ALLOWED to watch *his* tv).
My daughter cannot BELIEVE the amount of hostility he shows on a daily basis. It really is amazing. I cannot even describe it ~ its like this seething anger, boiling just under the surface in him.
Now, granted, I no longer CARE about it ~ and wonder if thats what he *knows* now. Maybe he realizes that he has completely lost his power to manipulate, control or hurt me. Maybe he knows that his *power* is gone?
He has become his abusive father. Almost mirror image. Not nice. Ever. To anyone.
I DO see him getting more hostile, even though its kept under wraps. It is expressed through the little things that I mentioned above, and probably a lot of other things I haven't noticed. I just don't GET why he would expend so much energy on bein a hater. I've OFFERED to let him just walk way (and I'd get roommates to cover his half of the house). He won't leave. And he also won't extend the same deal to me.
I have no fear of him (physically) and emotionally I've cut him off. I'm just very surprised at this new expression of anger. I don't know if he's trying to get a reaction out of me or not ! In the past, I would feel something when I saw his expression of hate ~ now I just wonder; "what ta hell?"
Do you all think this is just an extreme show of passive-aggression, the frustration of losing his *power*, or something else?
I just wonder why he would expend SO MUCH hating emotion on *me*. He's the one that didn't WANT to save the marriage !
I know, I'm looking at his reactions, but these were blatant and my daughter noticed it!
ETA: He receives no *reaction* from me. He hasn't spoken a word to me in 32 days now. He will not speak to me, and will not enter the room if I am in it. My daughter FINALLY understood this "feeling." Yeah, its easy to say "Good! ~ let him be that way!" But she said today that she could see that he tries to 'break your soul' with this. She understands how horrible it feels (even after just a few days of watching it) and cannot imagine how I've survived this long.
<jonesey ~ get back to your homework>
[This message edited by cjonesjag at 9:53 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]
Toward the end of my marriage, I was sleeping on the couch, we were not speaking, etc. He wouldn't leave, I offered him a HUGE generous settlement and he refused, blah, blah. My "WTF" started to act like yours is acting too. I didn't feel real threatened, just felt it was strange. Once I made my move and had him thrown out, he went totally nuts. I fear that once you make your move and move out, yours may do the same.
It's like they "dare" us to divorce them, or treat us so shitty to the point that any other *normal* human being would have been long gone. Then when we finally say, "Okay, I've had enough!" ...they have the nerve to be pissed off.
Be safe, CJ and try not to figure out what makes the idiot think. You'll just waste alot of precious energy.
My freak is still a freak. He has been saying things that are subtly derogatory about me to the kids. He told my dd that he owned 14% of mommy's house. He does in theory but he is not entitled to it until 2023! What a freak, saying that to a 10 year old. Just to prove his point though???????
He also said things about my appearance as well. Funnily enough he wasn't saying what a hottie I am!
I am beginning to consider moving away to be nearer my folks. This would be a good thing financially for me as well as getting help with childcare. The other thing that would happen is that I would be totally free of him. He can have his 14% (he is legally entitled to it if I make a voluntary house sale) and the kids would see him infrequently. I can't see him putting himself out much to drive 100 miles to collect them every sunday! These are to clear bonuses.
At the risk of sounding paranoid, I find it quite difficult to deal with that there is someone out there determined to make my life as unpleasant as possible. Always in the background. I have even had a couple of friends in the last week say to me that he will never totally leave you alone, he will always try and get to you through the kids or financially.
Has anyone else moved far away from the ex? Did it help?
It would not be a rushed decision as I have another 18 months to go until I need to remortgage. My eldest child would be leaving junior school and my son would be leaving infant school. I would also be at a natural break in my job. The thought of escaping him, geographically, seems very appealing. Or am I deluding myself?
Any thoughts guys? You know I always value your opinions.
Vee - how is your little girl?
As Sadtoo stated, Once you actually leave you will be int eh most danger and you have to make sure you protect yourself as much as possible. It is a common theme and it is because the abuser feels he is losing his power over you.
In my case my ex still has that hostility towards me and holds on the tiny bits of power he thinks he has. In my case it is his home phone number. He totally refuses to give it to me. He has nothing else to hold over me.
I think that the anger feeds something inside them. Perhaps it gives them a feeling of power or they are addicted to adrenaline or something. They all certainly strive to be angry almost to the point of making things to be angry about.
I do think we get used to them being angry. The interesting thing is that my ex claims to not be angry around the fiance and in some ways talks much calmer at times. However, towards me and the children, when he is around us or talking to us on the phone, he flies into a rage. He definitally attempts to wear 2 hats, a raging jerk with me and the children and the nice guy who never gets mad with others. I know it doesn't hold because he did hit the fiance in front of my kids. I wonder how often she sets him off and if, as time goes on, she will set him off more and more as he builds a nice accounting books full of everything she has ever done wrong to him. (mine certainly seemed to have such a book).
Hope everyone is doing well and doing something good for themselves each day.
My feeling about it at the time was that he was trying to make me knuckle under so he'd feel powerful. I felt like he was torturing me on the way out. I think they have to do any little thing they can to feel like they have stuck it to us to get some satisfaction. You know, they're showing us. Very childish. I got out okay but he wasn't going to make it pleasant. Bide your time and stay calm. Keep ignoring him and if the little dumb stuff is the price you pay to get out, consider the price a deal.
Mine did the PA stuff for a couple of months while he was looking for a place to move. He would barely lift a finger around the house. Barely. Please be prepared for his actions to get weirder and weirder. My WTF has done the stalking and phone harassment. He was snooping through my stuff and also going into the computer history and cache, etc. He was parking in front of my house. I don't even know what else he was doing. I do remember a time, now that you get me thinking about this weird stuff, when he was already moved out of the house, and I was constantly finding the back garage door unlocked. The kids rarely use that door, so I can only assume that he was leaving it open to make me feel scared or because he thought he might be able to sneak in there? I don't know. I started checking it every night.
...my ex claims to not be angry around the fiance and in some ways talks much calmer at times. However, towards me and the children, when he is around us or talking to us on the phone, he flies into a rage. He definitally attempts to wear 2 hats, a raging jerk with me and the children and the nice guy who never gets mad with others.
I'm waiting to hear from my attorney regarding the TRO. I hope we can get it. I'm so tired of this crap.
Yesterday he called me and started with a legitimate pretense regarding the kids, and then he switched hats and launched into his NPD BS about the incident on Friday afternoon with DS. In this conversation, he actually had the nerve to say that my words and actions are turning the kids against him. It is not fair to the kids, and it is not fair to him. (Poor him - I told him that I was not concerned with what is fair to him). He then said that this is wrong, and that I need to change. (Really? I need to change?)
He also added that DS had said to him that whenever he comes to the house that he yells at me. This bothered him because - direct quote here- "Wounded, I don't yell at you."
I said, "Really? You don't?" Then I gave him, "I need to go now." and hung up.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
The other abuse is so insidious and constantly leaves you wondering if you're imaging things or just being overly sensitive and petty. I would constantly second guess myself. Maybe it's me; no, I think it's him; well maybe I'm being too picky; no there is something wrong with him; I'm being petty; no..... On and on and on.
Well, DANG IT! It WAS him! I WAS right. Nobody but a professional saw it and thank goodness she did.
WRT Throwing: There must be something in the water, because my NPD was throwing and arguing this week. He came through the living room, picked up the book that I had been reading before I put it down and started feeding Lola, and threw it into a box (you can only put things down if you are him, or if that spot is the spot he has designated for it). He went outside to smoke, comes into the house, and throws my purse into the middle of the living room. I then asked him if he wanted me to throw his telephone charger, which he had unplugged my telephone charger to replace. He said, "What are you talking about? It's not like I'm throwing all of your stuff around. I threw that because I was mad because you left it in your car all night, so yeah, if I leave stuff in my car all night, you can throw it. What else of yours have I thrown this morning? Huh? I betcha can't name anything? Huh?" I reminded him about the book, and he said, "What, I have to place things somewhere? I can't just throw them? I am so offended that you are comparing me throwing the book in the box with me throwing your book. One of those was out of anger; one of those was because I didn't think I had to place anything. Besides, if you leave your stuff in your car all night, that means you don't care. And if you don't care, I don't care. I don't even see where you can make those kinds of connections and assumptions at all."
*my head is still spinning*
This is so true.
My attorney is now saying that she doesn't think we should pursue her going ex parte for the TRO. That it will cost lots of $$ and it is likely that it wouldn't be granted. I was so wanting that order...
She called my STBXHs attorney and has requested that they advise him to back off, or will be seeking the TRO next week. Hopefully that will some effect on him.
We have the court ordered mediation for custody issues on Wednesday. I can't even begin to predict what kind of crap he might pull. My attorney will prep me for that, but I feel weak and intimidated and self-doubting --again....
This stuff hurts me to the core. I'm a good person and I don't deserve any of this shit that he keeps shovelling in my path. Neither do my kids.
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 2:37 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
I hope that when you do mediation that you can have a different room than your STBX. That way you can have some space and he will get to you less. I could never have done the mediation with my ex.
lied2 offered an excellent suggestion!
Be strong. Grip yourself hard.
"Become" impenetrable in there.
When he can't breach your fortress walls to "get to you",
how much you wanna bet he'll make a complete and utter ass of himself?
Uh huh. A public mask-slipping is just what is ordered for the battle-plan.
Think how great it will feel when you see understanding in others' eyes!
You. Can. Do. This.
He is telling them big lies e,g they were at my parents on Wednesday as I was working in London on the Thursday. My car was in the garage being repaired. He told the kids that he waited outside the house for two hours to take them to tea. What lies! I texted him to say they could not make it and I was in the front room that afternoon doing some work. I may have noticed my npd, stalker-like ex-husband sitting outside the front of the house.
Ds was so confused by this that he kept saying to me that daddy needs to know when we can't see him. Talk about mind games!
He was also so late bringing them back and not answering his phone, that I nearly called the police.
Would you believe that I am meant to be divorced from this man but he is still playing his stupid games? But this time because he can't mess with my head anymore, he is going for the kids. How sick is that? My lovely little babies.
I am phoning the solicitor today, as I want to know what I can do about all of this.