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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

asked a question awhile back & yeah BoB, i'll be there, after the furniture-movin party -

what do you say when...????

an N says they're introspective?( indeed ! in that special 'way' they have lol!)

OR


an N asks you; "How could I be illogical,
And agree with you at the same time?"

LOL!

actions disagreeing, got the second one

[This message edited by jjct at 9:42 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Ron))) & (((Tribe))),

That BPD site is very helpful.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here ever try writing a Graphic Novel via e-mail with their N?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,

what do you say when...????
an N says they're introspective?

I imagined that if my ex NPD said that to me I would burst out laughing and probably fall down on the floor and roll around and then start crying when my gut hurt.

My ex told me I had no passion before he left. He doesn't even know what the word means. He was the one with no passion.

This month will mark 4 years of divorce for me. It STILL hurts a lot and I feel like a loser. I have no contact with him and no feelings (except anger) for him. So it's not him; it's the fallout from living most of my life with him. I am tired of being alone, and I really don't know how to get out and meet people. I, too, am hypervigilant when it comes to seeing NPD traits. I have taken steps to move on but it all seems to go so agonizingly slow. Shouldn't I be doing so much better by this time? What is wrong with me? I feel like part of my core is rotted.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out, my N also had "no passion"...like darn near a year straight of it!

Are you in IC?

N's can really n totally screw you up...IC has really helped ME to Recover.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Cheerfull_1
Member
Member # 18219
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OutFromUnder-
I got the same thing. No passion. Then why stay with me so long? There's nothing wrong with you. Its just that. The fallout. Don't be so hard on yourself.You'll move to the next step when your ready. I'm in no rush right now. I'm improving myself and taking care of DS. When the time is right, it'll find you.Your healing at your perfect rate. No one can tell you how long its going to take to get to the next step. Take care.


BS(me)-32
STBX(him)-32
DS- 9
1 Mo EA turned PA.

D-day 12/06/07,day b4 b-day admitted 2 wk EA.

Success is failure turned inside out.
"Illusion never changed into something real." Torn - Natalie Imbrulia.
Divored n Feb 09


Posts: 378 | Registered: Feb 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OFU))) - Exactly! So true - it was during a phone call when the "introspective" comment was made.
Yes, it did take alot of control to stay off the floor - that's so funny what you said!

I'm kinda with you on another thing too, & it troubles me - the "getting out" & feeling rotten inside, or wrong...or something!
I just haven't been "right" lately - ok....for months, there, i said it.
I do ok at work, mostly, because my job is about helping other people, & i like doing that, so i'm blessed in that regard...

But out in the world, by myself...it's like i sometimes don't know how to act, (i'm thinking thinking thinking - or just trying to process what i'm hearing, seeing) and i believe im somehow "discordant" with situations.

An example:
a few months ago, i had a meeting set up with some similarly betrayed & hurting folks.
it was on the other side of town, so i drove to get there early & find it...plus, i was all nervous about meeting these folk (see? "discordant").
so here i am, about an hour before the meeting, at a restaurant, and since i hadn't been eating (the "diet"), i just decided to order something.

What happened? I find myself @ an hour later, sitting at a table with three others -
who are also there, btw, to share, heal, help, etc...(the fellowship) -
and i end up sitting there not eating with them!
What a fucking doofus!
and i called the fucking meeting!
THEN, oh here's proof of my dumbassness -
the check comes, & did his dumbassness offer to pay?
nope.
i just sat there like some idiot, some cheapass assclown, while they all dug through purses for money to pay-
(yeah, right - i was the only male in the group)

To top it all off
(my processing ability has been altered, slowed down)
- it took me months
MONTHS! to figure it out - what an asshole i came off as.

THEY sure as hell didn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm just one more fuckin weirdo in lives too full of trying to get away from weirdos!
and i sure as hell don't blame them, either.

How & why I have 'let this happen' to me, or 'become this'...thing?
I'm working on it, by God's grace.
Someday I hope to say I'm sorry.

im sorry.
i think i have to maybe go away for awhile


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does IC stand for? Some kind of counseling? I had a little with him and then without him. I would love to go back to that psychologist as she really had his number but I don't feel like I can afford it.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I have a friend that tells me that but then there are those who think it's bad that it still troubles me after 4 years.

jjct, let me tell you what I see in your response. Wow! You set up a meeting? You got yourself out there? That is an accomplishment I have been unable to make. I wish I had what it took to do that. If I were part of that group, I would have naturally expected to pitch in my share and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It wouldn't have even occurred to me that one person should offer to pay. As for eating ahead of time, you just told them you were too hungry to wait, didn't you? That should have been fine. Speaking of being too hard on one's self, I think you are doing just that. I see a lot of positives in what you wrote.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't remember saying i was too hungry & ate earlier...
i think i just kinda left them hanging...
That's the thing.
It's like I couldn't think, process, just "be".

Then, in the middle of it all, I pop off with some damned opinion -
not even being sensitive to the one i was giving it to...
turns out,
she's been to hell & back.
WAYYYY more abused than me - and walking out, she was struggling a little with her coat, i just reached over to help & she visible flinched & pulled away from me, like i was scaring her.

me & my big mouth!
i had always been the funny guy, friendly, yadayada-
trying to 'network' - be helpful,
pfffft!

i blew that - big time...
thanks ofu, you're kind! for trying to put a good spin on it-
i'm an insensitive dolt,
i'm feeling the feeling rotten inside thing,
i don't feel fit for company.
it's like no one knows,
i'm cocooned in silence.
fuck.
now im whining


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Balancing Act
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Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jjct)))

I could have written those posts of yours. I don't know who the hell I am these days. I get so easily irritated at the smallest things - I'm not fit for public consumption!!

It's like my body is there, but I don't know the first thing to do or say to anyone - and these can be friends I've had for years!

I think that I will find my way back to being me eventually. I just let people know that I'm out of sorts and on edge and to please take me with a grain of salt these days. Most have been completely understanding and have just hugged me to help me through it.

If you think you came off as an asshole, just say so to the people you think you offended...I know they will forgive and understand...

((((jjct))))


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
OutFromUnder
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Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, I think this is actually good for me as well. I see some of myself in what you write. Baby steps, we just have to take baby steps. I see progress there but okay, so maybe you goofed some things up. But also consider that maybe you didn't goof them up as bad as you think. You said the others had been through the bad stuff as well. As has been discussed, many of us are a bit hypervigilant. The woman that pulled away may be hypervigilant as well. You'll just keep getting better and better at it. We can't go through a major trauma and magically have it all together right away. Hang in there and keep moving forward.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you both!

it's a measure of the newness -
the hypervigilant.

but i never was before.

i mean it. i would give BOTH OF MY ARMS to have even ONE of them as friends!
fuck

so you know what?
i KNOW - inside
SOMEWHERE!
i will write of me to them.
"letters to the ones I lost"

if my eyes mean anything to the invisible ones -
let them then
RECORD IT!

it seems, for some reason i don't understand -
that i must go to this place

and speak of heart essence somehow through one foot on bananapeel words


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Balancing and jjct, it's the "picking up fleas" thing. After a relationship with an NPD, one is so messed up that it is impossible to be normal for a while.
If you've been with an NPB or BPD for any length of time, you will be fucked up and not yourself.
I never got mean or anything, but I think I had PTSD. I was so jumpy as I had been exposed to so much weirdness.
I strongly urge anyone that has been in a relationship with one of these monsters to get therapy> They destroy self esteem and confidence. They pick on you all the time, some times subtly, other time flagrantly.
ALso, I recommend and e-book by Richard Skerrit called "Meaning from Madness". It describes this stuff to a T. Also, "Stop Walikng on Eggshells" by Randi Krueger. It talks about relationships with a BPD but, these disorders are , for the most part, the same.
I am so glad to be out and to have other folks here that understand this nightmare.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
OutFromUnder
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Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's that subtle stuff that really got me. I know all about the rages and the violent stuff because I grew up with that. The constant picking on you--it can completely break your spirit.

Then I got out and thought I had found this wonderful person who turned out to be once again NPD only subtle--subtle picking. Maybe because he was a coward. I was completely blindsided. Who would have thought they could be subtle? I didn't recognize it at all. I knew my mother was crazy and resisted the things she said but then it got subtly reinforced. And then they started working together on me. Brrrrrr. They really can do a number on people.

This site is SO helpful.

[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 9:34 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Ron7127
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Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the subtle stuff, the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the picking your opinions apart all the time really does damage. I think it is because it is harder to identify and we doubt ourselves.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
itsabattle
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Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I have previously posted, I had a couple of issues this week with the feak's inablility to pay his child maintainence. For the first time ever I stood up to him and called him a poor father. I was fully expecting to have to deal with his nastiness when he was picking up the kids to day. But do you know what happened? He sent his bitch to pick them up and when he dropped them off he did not get out of the car. I have a last realised that he is a coward. On this particular point of him taking financial responsibility for his kids I will not be backing down. He must by now, know that.
And he hasn't the guts to face me. Coward. Because that is what they all are, underneath the evil facade, they are all the same as him. It makes me wish I stood up to him a long time ago. I can now see that he is a repulsive individual who preyed on my insecurities and morals. He is a nothing - merely a boil on the backside of humanity.
I have thrown off his legacy today. I am no longer afraid of him. I am no longer afraid to confrount him any more.By not paying the 150 he is meant to pay, he has me something much more. I think I am free. I am free of him as I am not frightened of him anymore.
It sickens me to recognise that I was scared of him but no more. Never again. After all, what is there to be scared of now? Oh my goodness, something has happened to me today with this happening. I feel really different. Released? I don't know what it is but it is something. Wow!

jj - you are beating yourself up about something that is not important. We all do things that we look back at and think "well, I look a prat now". You always feel far worse than what you look like!
This feeling is a legacy of your time with the nutter. Look into cognitive behaviour therapy, because this re-trains the mind. The example you have given is text-book stuff for someone who would benefit from cbt. Trust me on this one jj.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itsa, you are right. They are BIG cowards. They are just childhood-aged bullies. When you stand up to them, they get scared and back off big time. I learned that about my ex long ago. The first time I backed him down he was so scared looking, I almost burst out laughing. I think mine is a subtle NPD because he IS such a big coward.

I don't know if it works as well with the ragers. It seems like they have better control because living through their rages is so miserable no one challenges them.

"The nutter." I like that phrase. That's what I'm going to start calling my ex-NPD. It's apt but yet diminishes him in a trivial, goofy kind of way.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trust ya itsa! and I am so happy to read your post!
WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!

besides CBT, (have been looking, when i can, for IC -'nother story),

I wanted to understand what was happening to me there, in 'that place' -

briefly, due to Ron's comment about picking up fleas, I went back to where he posted the link to the bpdfamily.org site.

Interestingly, I believe what has recently happened - the 'reliving' - is the result of having been under the stress of this for ...hmm - a year, now (approaching DDay antiversary).

I didn't want to go off & leave, well, I did, because I was just so down. What happened is that the serotonin levels have been depleted to the point of depression - the serotonin levels my brain has been producing - in quantity - to help deal with the stress, I guess it took *this long* to finally venture into the territory of depression; that is, there's just *not enough* anymore.

So I cycle shameful stuff. (I'm still bent about that episode. I did act that way. There's no getting around my discordance - I'm working on that too, trying to get out more).

But I was fully on the hamster wheel of depression there - and am not going to let it dominate or get the better of me!

So maybe this will help others -
EAT FOODS THAT MAKE YOU PRODUCE SEROTONIN!
(from: http://www.restoreunity.org/blocking_reabsorption_of_seroton.htm)

1. Serotonin is synthesized from the amino acid tryptophan. Thus to produce serotonin, you need tryptophan. Tryptophan is an amino acid that you can only obtain by consumption. Therefore you want to consider eating foods containing sufficient levels of tryptophan to help replenish your serotonin levels each day. The following is a list:

1. Cottage cheese.
2. Brown rice.
3. Avocados.
4. Bananas.
5. Walnuts.
6. Tomatoes.
7. Soy protein.
8. Meat.
9. Turkey is probably the highest serotonin containing food. Eat turkey to help increase serotonin levels.

Much more there! Good tips - also when is best to eat pasta - at night (my favorite comfort food).
I am the spaghetti monster!
lol!

So all-in-all, I am out of that phase - I will survive this!
DAMMIT JIM!
lol!

((((itsa)))) (((((TRIBE)))))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and I'l have you know - allthough kinda late, today's lunch is...

a double turkey sammich!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
teacher
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Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where would you like to go out to dinner? These words would evoke terror in me. I would say I don't have a preference so where do you want to go. He would press - tell me what you would like. What NPD really meant was try to guess and quickly where I want to go out to dinner.

I would rack my brain trying to think of clues that he had given me about a particular restaurant. I would reply "Chinese?" H would respond that's the only food I'm not in the mood for.

OK now I'm thinking he's such a health food nut that he wants some red meat since we never have that. So I say how about a steak house? H responds "oh my God how could you suggest that - you know how I'm avoiding red meat!"

Finally, I say Fishbone and H says, "Honey, what a great choice, I'll be happy to take you there."

Can anyone relate?


Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay 7/14/05
Married since 73
Divorcing

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